Page 4 | DH wants to start gym every day before work

thepariscrimefiles · 05/03/2025 12:43

Mamof3downsouth · 05/03/2025 10:26

@SkaneTos he doesn’t want to put the kids to bed on his own, so I can but once the children are in bed and I’d have to take the baby, which is why I think I find it hard!

@CobaltSky I’m still getting most my maternity pay and will go back before stat ends as I earn more than he does so need it to afford bills etc. I do get that but also feel like we both chose to have the children and the then he’s having one hour a day with them 🙈

You seem too accepting of him not wanting to put the kids to bed on his own. Of course he can do it, he just doesn't want to. He doesn't need to go to the gym every morning before work unless he is specifically training for some imminent event. He just wants to get out of helping you in the mornings.

You are the higher earner and you seem to do all the wife-work and child care as well. What does he bring to the table?

HelmholtzWatson · 05/03/2025 12:41

Men don't like parenting as much as women. More news at 11.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 05/03/2025 12:40

Mamof3downsouth · 05/03/2025 10:21

So as the post says my DH has said he wants to start going to the gym every morning before work so 6-7.

He leaves for work at 7 and gets home just after 5. We have 3 DC, age 3, 2 and 6 months old. I’m currently on mat leave and my eldest is in nursery so I do the nursery drop off and pick up every day, which is a 15 minute drive

He is self employed the the only day he finishes early is Friday so he can go to the pub.

I’ve asked him if he can go to the gym 8-9 when the oldest 2 are in bed so I’m not doing the whole morning on my own but this isn’t convenient for him, our eldest wake up between 5.30 and 6 (but they go to bed at half 6!)

am I being unreasonable wanting the extra help on a morning? Not sure if I’m just exhausted and want the extra support but being unreasonable.

as he’s self employed, he’s often out weekend mornings looking at/quoting jobs

I just find it very full on with 3 and still BF the baby so the help on a morning is appreciated. He just occupies them; gets the oldest 2 dressed then I sort pack lunch, breakfast and getting them in the car for the nursery run.

Ask him at what time of the day he’s having all of the children so you can go to the gym every day. You obviously don’t have to go to the gym, just go out for an hour to meet a friend, see family etc. He’s taking the mickey.

ProfessionalPirate · 05/03/2025 12:40

Saharafordessert · 05/03/2025 11:04

I think a better compromise is every other morning or something similar. Training in the evening as late as 9pm isn’t ideal as it’s too late to eat afterwards.
Everyone should have the opportunity to exercise tho so make sure you do too.
It does sound as if he’s checking out of family life tho.
Hats off to you OP, 3 under 3 is crazy!

Even every other morning would still be potentially too much - OP will be going back to work soon enough and then it will be all hands on deck mon-Fri making sure everyone gets out to work and nursery on time.

Evening work outs are fine, lots of us do them with no other choice. No need to have a big meal afterwards. There’s always the weekend too.

The only reason the OP’s DH has chosen this time is because he would much rather lose an hour of morning chaos than an hour of relaxing evening sofa time.

Tiswa · 05/03/2025 12:36

Mamof3downsouth · 05/03/2025 12:32

I don’t think there’s anything close to an affair going on. I think it’s because the man he works with goes 6-7 then they go to work from him finishing is the reason he also wants to now join. He also has children and I know his partner, and she struggles with it but they seem to think doing all this is ok. He doesn’t miss bedtime going to the pub on a Friday, his excuse is that he can go every Friday because he finishes early to go so is still home at 5/half 5 like every other day in the week

How will this work with you being vac at work

Bumblebeestiltskin · 05/03/2025 12:35

Kitchensinktoday · 05/03/2025 12:25

If he's self employed, could he delay starting work until 8/8.30 am, and help out with the mornings?

@IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads as I said earlier in the thread, being self employed does not mean you can work whichever hours you fancy!

I mean, it mainly does. I've been self employed for 15 years and choose my work hours, and I can't think of a single one of my self employed friends who make themselves work at specific times. It's one of the benefits of being your own boss.

Original poster

Mamof3downsouth · 05/03/2025 12:32

I don’t think there’s anything close to an affair going on. I think it’s because the man he works with goes 6-7 then they go to work from him finishing is the reason he also wants to now join. He also has children and I know his partner, and she struggles with it but they seem to think doing all this is ok. He doesn’t miss bedtime going to the pub on a Friday, his excuse is that he can go every Friday because he finishes early to go so is still home at 5/half 5 like every other day in the week

OP posts:

Catza · 05/03/2025 12:30

Cheeseburger85 · 05/03/2025 11:51

Alot of shoulds there.

This happens when men get told they don't matter by society. Men used to have a defined role. Work. Women would do the house and children.

Was that good for all involved? Who knows? I wasn't there. But men had to sacrifice family time to bring in the money. Work isn't an escape as some idiots would have you think.

I have a genuine question. Why is it that women think men "should" be available? What is in it for them? Being a "good dad/husband" isn't enough. Because men don't seem to find that emotionally motivating. So, how can we get men to take more of a lead? I say this is a very involved dad who does all but the washing up!

Endlessly browbeating men is NOT getting them to be better dads and partners. So give me an alternative... because this isn't working for anyone.

Show quote history

Why is that the men think that women should be available to take care of the children? Why do they assume that women will make it happen no matter what and, therefore, men can absolve themselves from any responsibility for the family they, presumably, wanted? Why do you think women consider it enough to be a "good mum/wife"?
I have a way to get my man to take more of a lead by refusing to be a default household manager. He has no other option but to pick up the slack or he can abandon his responsibilities as a father and a partner and choose a single life if he is not finding it emotionally motivating.
I have no interest in browbeating men, no interest at all. They are adults and free to make a choice, Just don't make a choice to have a family and then bellow "but what do I get out of that?!" when it comes with additional responsibilities.

Imbusytodaysorry · 05/03/2025 12:30

@Mamof3downsouth you trying not to be a “bad “ wife is allowing him to be a shit husband and dad.
He needs to step up .
Once you’re ready if he is out Friday at the pub fine . You are at Friends Saturday for food and wine.
You do the weekly shop on a Sunday he cooks it.
then split the other 6 days of chores between you . He is having a laugh with the swanning around he is doing like he is single with no wife or kids.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 05/03/2025 12:29

@Mamof3downsouth you don't sound particularly angry, I'd be FUMING.

Also, I hate to be that person 😂, but aren't you a bit suspicious about his sudden interest in going to the gym that he HAS to go every day?

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/03/2025 12:26

Mamof3downsouth · 05/03/2025 12:19

He did want the children - the first two were very much planned and he was very on board and he was the one wanted a close age gap, like his own siblings. The third was a surprise baby, I was on the pill, but also very much loved and wanted!

Then why does he think he can just opt out of putting them to bed? You can't just opt out of the things you don't like. You don't get to, why should he?

Kitchensinktoday · 05/03/2025 12:25

If he's self employed, could he delay starting work until 8/8.30 am, and help out with the mornings?

@IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads as I said earlier in the thread, being self employed does not mean you can work whichever hours you fancy!

DuchessOfNarcissex · 05/03/2025 12:23

@Cheeseburger85 , your argument is fine, for the 1950s model, but women often have to work, and often want to work. Modern families can't all survive on one wage. Women are often staying at home because her wage wouldn't cover the cost of childcare. it's her career and financial security that suffers.

OP is a working mother on maternity leave and is the main breadwinner, yet you think she should be some sort of 1950s wife and prop up her husband's ego.

tallhotpinkflamingo · 05/03/2025 12:23

Mamof3downsouth · 05/03/2025 11:03

@LBFseBrom he isn’t addicted to the gym because he’s never been in the 8 years we’ve been together - it’s just something he’s deciding he wants to do 🫣 I have no idea why he’s suddenly decided when it’s never been something he’s interested in. I’d get it if he had always gone but it’s difficult at the minute and it just doesn’t feel ideal but like I said before, not sure if I’m being tired from multiple wakings every night and unreasonable 😂 I don’t want to come across an awful wife telling him what to do but how far do I let it go before he’s just taking the mick? 😭

He's suddenly decided he wants to go to the gym every day after not going at all in 8 years? He's not going to the gym. Sorry.

There was a thread a while back where someone's husband started going to the gym early in the morning, of course he was actually meeting up with a woman who was also married. Absolute cliche for men with very young kids/pregnant wives.

Original poster

Mamof3downsouth · 05/03/2025 12:19

He did want the children - the first two were very much planned and he was very on board and he was the one wanted a close age gap, like his own siblings. The third was a surprise baby, I was on the pill, but also very much loved and wanted!

OP posts:

Aalasya · 05/03/2025 12:19

@Cheeseburger85 awwww poor men.

Why are you mansplaining work to women, most of whom work?

I don't see who's being browbeaten, women are on here talking to each other, which you don't seem to like.

So, how can we get men to take more of a lead? I say this is a very involved dad who does all but the washing up!

Why the fuck is this women's job to figure out. Go ask some men. Why should women do your thinking? You want to not be told there's a lot of men not stepping up, but then you want us to accept it's women's fault because we are not "giving you alternatives" or telling men how useful they are to society and giving them cookies for adulting?

It's honestly pathetic.

Aalasya · 05/03/2025 12:15

Cattreesea · 05/03/2025 10:35

Often I ask myself why do women keep having children with men who are blatantly not interested in doing their fair share of childcare?

Surely the share of home admin and childcare should be established beforehand and if the father does not step up after the first child it should be a red flag, not a green light to continue to expand the family to the point where it is not manageable?

I think the gym issue is just a red herring and your main problem is that you have a partner who does not pull his weight financially (if you are the main breadwinner) and who is not a hands on father either.

Don't blame OP because someone who is not her doesn't want to parent. Her husband's bad behaviour is NOT her responsibility.

SilenceInside · 05/03/2025 12:14

Oh @Mamof3downsouth going supermarket shopping on your own for an hour isn't time to yourself. Goodness me.

Your BF baby is 6 months old, and surely able to go a little while between feeds, even if they won't take a bottle. If you don't want to be apart from them then no worries, but it could easily be managed if you wanted to.

Hankunamatata · 05/03/2025 12:14

Join 24 hour gym and he can go 5.30 - 6.30am, then he can come back and help with getting kids dressed

Original poster

Mamof3downsouth · 05/03/2025 12:10

I don’t have any time on my own at the minute as the BF baby won’t take a bottle, however, I have started to go food shopping on a Sunday instead of having it delivered just to have an hour on my own.

I don’t mind not going and doing things on my own. I see friends regularly through the week with our children together, even if it’s just soft play and a coffee. It isn’t about him having time on his own, it’s just the most inconvenient time for us, which is why I’d suggested when the older 2 are in bed- they are both usually asleep by 7.

OP posts:

AngelicKaty · 05/03/2025 12:10

@Mamof3downsouth YANBU OP. Apart from the childish sulking when he doesn't get what he wants, I'd also be annoyed about his apparent lack of desire to spend any time with the family. He finishes work early on a Friday so he can go to the pub, rather than come home and spend time with you and the DC, and now he wants to reduce the time he spends with you all further by going to the gym for an hour every morning, leaving you to shoulder the burden at the busiest time of the day. He is taking the mick, OP. He seems to view the children as yours, not his. Did he actually want children, OP, or did he just like the idea of them?

Tiswa · 05/03/2025 12:08

Cheeseburger85 · 05/03/2025 11:51

Alot of shoulds there.

This happens when men get told they don't matter by society. Men used to have a defined role. Work. Women would do the house and children.

Was that good for all involved? Who knows? I wasn't there. But men had to sacrifice family time to bring in the money. Work isn't an escape as some idiots would have you think.

I have a genuine question. Why is it that women think men "should" be available? What is in it for them? Being a "good dad/husband" isn't enough. Because men don't seem to find that emotionally motivating. So, how can we get men to take more of a lead? I say this is a very involved dad who does all but the washing up!

Endlessly browbeating men is NOT getting them to be better dads and partners. So give me an alternative... because this isn't working for anyone.

Show quote history

But being a wife and mother should be?

browbeating shouldn’t be necessary and certainly saying you can’t go to the gym shouldn’t be either

you are right times have changed women now rightly work and have to balance that alongside being a wife and a mother and an individual in their own right who gets to sometimes do things for themselves

men should do and be able to do the same because of course being a husband and father isn’t enough to be fulfilled but you also need to see them as responsibilities you have chosen.
being someone’s partner and someone’s dad is a choice if you don’t want the responsibility that come with it don’t do it

and by the way doing washing up thiugh commendable is one task in a list of many

Cheeseburger85 · 05/03/2025 12:05

Patterncarmen · 05/03/2025 11:55

I'm sure a lot of men could easily live without having kids. If you wanted to do that, you should have stayed single, or married a women who doesn't want children.

Don't agree to be a parent, and then have the woman do everything, and say .... well she wanted them, I didn't want them, so she can do all the work.

Don't frame doing any parenting as being kind to your wife. That's your job as the kid's dad.

And I wonder what your kid will think of you when she finds out you only had her because of your wife, and you didn't really want to be a dad...you were coerced into it. You going to have a daughter who won't trust men and who feels like she is an inconvenience or burden to you because she upended your life. That's as bad as telling your daughter she was a birth control accident.

Of course having your daughter upended your life. What did you think would happen?

Show quote history

I knew my life would change and I opted for that.
I'm an adoring dad and love my daughter more than life. You can have a view in your early 20s that you don't have later. It's called maturing.

You're projecting. If she ever asks she will realise that despite my demands in life I sacrificed that because I loved her mum and it was the best decision of my life.

If someone doesn't trust men because of that they need therapy. Nobody makes you feel a certain way.

In short I'm a good dad who is always spending time w my child. And I am adult enough to own that I've changed over time. Novel huh!?

NeedsMustNet · 05/03/2025 12:04

How often every week / month do you get to go to the gym by yourself while he or someone else looks after the kids? And how often do you get to go to the pub or see your friends or go to the cinema, unaccompanied by children and without your husband?

5 times a week at the gym is far, far too much. If he’s so desperate to go why can’t he go one evening a week and one morning? Or one weekend day and one week morning?

I really despair. It’s as if you are the below stairs staff and he is the Lord of the manor. When he says he wants to go to the gym 5 times a week, please don’t even take this request seriously. Or at least - not unless you do it all one week and he does it the next, until you go back to work.

NameChangedForThis2025 · 05/03/2025 12:03

@Cheeseburger85

I (female) had a child because my partner (male) really wanted one.

That’s got fuck all to do with whether or not I should be an equally committed parent now that I have a child. And if I wanted to swan off and avoid the morning routine every day of the work week, I’d be taking the absolute piss.

Maybe we could keep the conversation relevant to the OPs actual query instead of derailing it.