Colleague’s child is very ill - how to cope

208 replies

BridgetJones55 · 05/03/2025 07:33

I moved to a new job last January. Within 2 weeks, a colleague (reports to me) was given the devastating news that his 6yr old had cancer. I supported him as much as I can, taking over most of his workload (working over time for this) and allowing him to work remotely full time.

The child is now in remission, but the disease/ surgeries caused a lot of damage - he is in rehab, with multiple serious problems that can become life threatening any minute. This colleague is the sole earner and they have been under financial stress due to extra expenses related to hospitalisations ( taxis, meals, childcare for the other child etc)

This whole thing has been causing significant stress to me. As a parent of young children, it has been very hard to hear about that child, my colleague’s problems, breaking down, his wife breaking down etc. I’ve been very supportive, I’m not sure how to cope, but I feel super guilty when I buy nice things, when I push my kids to achieve something, I feel guilty for having “disappointments”, for spending money on beauty treatments etc. His situation has been heading like a cloud over my head. I’ve cried several times.

Appreciate advice to help deal with all this.

OP posts:

Quinlan · 05/03/2025 07:41

Slobberchops1 · 05/03/2025 07:37

You’ve only known this person a couple of weeks . Take a step back and stop making about yourself

It’s been a year. She has been used as a pseudo therapist for a year whilst also covering his work load. She is burning out. That is real. It isn’t as simple as “don’t make it about you.” It is about her. This is a very real issue.

Quinlan · 05/03/2025 07:40

If you are struggling with being an emotional sounding board during work time, because that is emotionally draining and exhausting, then speak to your manager or HR. They do have to manage that.
As awful as his situation is, it actually isn’t yours to deal with and if you’ve had a year of listening to his trauma dumps then that will be seriously affecting you and you may need some time off or a therapist to talk to.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying that you need a break from listening to ll this upsetting stuff. You’re not his therapist, you’re not his family or even a friend. You’re a colleague who is covering a huge amount of his work, which is already enough to cause burn out. Doing that, plus being used as a vent for him… it is too much.

People are going to call you selfish and say that it isn’t about you and all the rest of it, but not everyone appreciates the exhaustion and trauma that can be caused by being an emotional support when you are already close to burn out and don’t actually have any training in it or support for yourself to deal with the information you have been told.

Speak to your manager. Tell them you are close to burn out and you need a break and some protection from this.

Thirteenblackcat · 05/03/2025 07:39

That poor boy, and his family 😢

You’ll be ok though

redfishcat · 05/03/2025 07:39

Access the support service at work yourself, this is exactly what is designed for

I used them when my colleague had multiple miscarriages and I had to carry her at work and not talk about my own small children.

Hard for both sides in these situations

prettyneededchill · 05/03/2025 07:38

If you genuinely feel it’s affecting your work and mental health call your EAP for support.

Slobberchops1 · 05/03/2025 07:37

You’ve only known this person a couple of weeks . Take a step back and stop making about yourself

MadamePeriwinkle · 05/03/2025 07:36

It's a horrible situation, but it sounds as though you've allowed this colleague to use you as a therapist as much as a manager.

Does your workplace have access to support services that you can direct him to?

Motnight · 05/03/2025 07:34

With respect, this situation isn't about you.

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