Colleague’s child is very ill - how to cope

It sounds like you’re feeling some personal responsibility for his situation. Are HR aware that you’re doing most of his work?

You’ve been kind and probably went into emergency mode at the diagnosis doing everything you could. Unfortunately as this is now a long term situation it’s unsustainable. It’s not that your colleague doesn’t need support but the business needs to provide that, not just you. There needs to be a better plan than you covering all the work and supporting. Take a step back and work out what needs to be escalated, whether you need to bring in additional resources, or cut out some of the workload.

I think that's a bit harsh. I work with traumatised children who have suffered the worst things imaginable. My company provides weekly therapy sessions for us. Sometimes we need a coping mechanism so we can get through and continue to help the kids through their trauma and that's all the Op is asking for - a mechanism, not a sarky remark.

Second hand trauma is a thing - and a reason why a compassionate approach also needs to include compassion for yourself and boundaries when supporting others. It sounds like you've been carrying a lot of stress in managing this situation, but haven't included looking after yourself or maintaining boundaries between professional and personal involvement, which has meant you're now burning out and struggling to cope.

The situation, while awful for your colleague and his family, is not your fault or personal responsibility. You don't need to carry any guilt about what's happening in your own life, whether good or bad. You don't need to feel unable to celebrate when something good happens for your children, or stop doing nice things for yourself. Arguably, doing nice things for yourself is particularly important when you're experiencing a prolonged and difficult situation at work - it's a way of being compassionate to yourself and re-filling your reserves so you can continue to feel able to support your colleague effectively.

It might help to speak with your own manager about the situation. They may be able to provide some informal support for you, or mentoring or access to leadership training about how to support colleagues going through such things (many people have to manage colleagues who are going through difficulties). They may also have some ideas on how to support your colleague as effectively as possible. I'd also suggest taking some time off work using your own annual leave, to re-charge and to remind yourself that professional life and personal life can be separate.

I disagree. WTF is the colleague’s wife doing on their Teams calls?

"He simply told me about the situation every now and then. A couple of times his wife showed up on the teams call."

If this is the case, then this isn't a work issue per se. He isn't doing anything wrong, he isn't burdening you emotionally, using you as a therapist etc.

So while this sounds hard for you, it does sound rather like you are internalising his issues and being a little 'main character ' over it. It doesn't sound like it is a constant theme from him or whatever.

I think some of the replies you’re getting are because it sounds like you’re been listening to him talk about this for hours on end.

Secondary trauma is a very real thing and sounds like it could be affecting you here. Do you have an employee assistance programme (EAP) at your workplace that offers referrals for counselling? I would recommend that for you AND him. Hollow laugh at @Catza’s suggestion of IAPT - they have very long waiting lists and are more geared up for mild depression and anxiety. I hope your employee is also aware of supportive charities like MacMillan.

It sounds like there’s an unsustainable combination of things happening for you - you’re finding it hard to hear anything about his situation AND you’re doing too much of his work. Being supportive is one thing but taking over most of his workload is a lot.

Have you spoken to your own manager about any of this?

I think this sort of stuff does take a toll and it’s not the OP making it about her. I’ve had similar situations where reports were found through bereavements and later mental health challenges and one in particular did use me as a bit of an emotional crutch. It can be very easy to blur the line between supportive line manager to being the person someone offloads to. On the one hand they trust you which is good but it really can grind you down after a while. I felt emotionally free when I left that job and hadn’t quite realised how demanding it had been on me emotionally until I’d left.

You have been there for your colleague and I’m sure they are grateful for your continued support, but you have to live your life to the full and do things that make you and your family happy. You sound like a very good friend, I understand it’s probably quite draining on everyone, it’s hard because although we spend a huge part of our life with working colleagues, you could leave one day and never hear from them again.

Did you not have anyone to direct him to? They should have been offered emotional support via their care team, Including how to apply for DLA/Carers allowance. It's a lesson learned about professional boundaries. My DH got and died from cancer while I was working, my manager was supportive re working hours etc, but wouldn't have allowed me to trauma dump. You've burned out on this. As said, you can't take on other people's hurt. You need to carry on having fun and look up strategies that suit you, like meditation to reason this all out.

You need to stop being the support system for your subordinate and to refer the situation to HR or your own boss. I completely understand why you have covered the situation yourself but it is untenable for you.

You need to be kind to yourself. You have had 12 months of covering their work, doing extra hours etc., to be supportive to them. Now you need to be supportive of yourself.

As the child is in remission, can you discuss with your colleague a timetable for a phased return to some in-office days if that would take some of the extra load from you? This might need to be agreed with HR, but to be honest I think you should have got HR involved before now.

As others have said, this seems to be consuming you a bit. Probably there is worry that this could happen to your children and possibly a feeling of not wanting to "jinx" it, pride comes before a fall, etc.

You need some space between you and their situation.

But well done for making things as easy as possible for your colleague. Many wouldn't have.

Can everyone stop being mean to the OP? It IS hard to support someone going through difficult times. She's not being selfish by finding it traumatic FFS.
I found it difficult when a woman I was stuck with for the day did a massive trauma dump on me about the gory death of her sister, and that was only one day!

I would just stop discussing all your personal stuff with him at work and focus and your work and just being supportive towards him in general.

There's not really any need to discuss those things with colleagues anyway.

You need to see if your job will provide extra support for both of you.
If the work situation continues you are doing 2 jobs and providing emotional support (even if its in a limited way). While the child remains ill the Dad will continue to need support so is any others on his team willing or have capacity to provide extra cover?

You are not trained to provide the emotional support and have taken on an emotional burden.
You need to detach a little as this is someone you line manage not a family friend while also accepting that you are very grateful that its not your life.

This. Find supporting strategies for yourself but remain empathetic.

I hope HR are being supportive as well (as much as HR ever are).

Ah stop. That’s very unhelpful.
I’m sure OP isn’t burdening her colleague with any of this. It’s difficult for everyone, obviously the child’s family most of all. That doesn’t mean the people around them are robots!

Finding it difficult to cope is about the OP.
Is there anyone you could talk to OP? Counsellor maybe?

You failed to maintain professional boundaries. Your subordinate should not have been put in a position where you provide counselling space without due training. You should have advised he seeks help of that kind elsewhere. Your duty is to support with work-related issues as a result of personal circumstances. You majorly overstepped on this.
And now you are making it about you when, in reality, it has nothing at all to do with you. Self-refer to IAPT in your local area if you feel you need to deal with your emotions about this but more importantly, talk to HR about support with managing this colleague as I think you should step back.

Well no, over a year, but not long.

OP you cope by counting your blessings and being glad it’s not you. Don’t borrow problems.

Is it that you've been overworking to cover your colleague's work, and have become burned out? I don't think it's normal to be affected to this extent by the illness of a colleague's child. Could you book a couple of weeks' holiday to get right away from work and hearing about your colleague's child?