Colleague’s child is very ill - how to cope

My take on this is a bit different to some others.

I think it's completely natural that you feel uncomfortable when you think about the difference in your circumstances- that's not to say you should feel guilty (of course you shouldn't) but we all put to the back of our minds just how fortunate we are compared to others until something comes along that makes it impossible to ignore. I had a similar situation where my friend had a stillbirth when I had a newborn, and I still fretted (to myself) about things like weight gain and sleepsuits while also feeling how incredibly lucky I was and how unfair life can be. It's also completely natural that you have cried about your colleague's son- I don't think that's odd at all.

I would say that this is part of life- a hard part- that we keep going even when we can't ignore how bad things can be. Even in the worst situations, people focus on aspects that might in hindsight seem trivial (I think of the heart-breaking passages in Anne Frank's diary where she worries about falling behind with schoolwork).

For you, you're experiencing it all at one remove- this isn't your child, it's your colleague's- but it still brings home these sort of existential questions, how we keep going when we know what might happen, how we keep thinking about clubs and schoolwork and beauty treatments even while being aware that we're all ultimately galloping towards the grave. It's normal to feel sad and guilty. It's also normal to then process that sadness and guilt and keep going.

As for what to do, if it's affecting you more than you can manage, maybe a therapist would be helpful. But I don't think your reaction in itself is wrong or in need of treatment and you may find that just some time and reading and thinking will help you through.

But not in this case.

It doesn’t matter that the trigger forvtye OP struggles are a child with cancer.
The OP is struggling with very c,ear anxiety related thoughts. She needs support that’s it,

Making it all about her colleague and that she isn’t allowed to have struggles ‘because look how hard things are for them’ is shit imo.
Her anxiety/reaction isn’t affecting him. It’s affecting her and her family.

The idea that it’s somehow less worthy or that the OP and her family aren’t as worthy of support is distasteful tbh.

Some really harsh comments here. All this talk of 'professional boundaries' is crazy. It doesn't sound like anything unprofessional is going on.

The colleague has gone through a horrendous time – a seriously ill child is beyond anything most of us have ever gone through – and it's natural that he would discuss it with colleagues, and that it would affect his work.

You sound burnt out by the situation. It might be good to access counselling yourself. Or at least be kind to yourself – have some time off when you can disengage from it.

I think it's reasonable to point out to you that you have missed the point, and I think anyone trying to explain it to you will just be wasting finger movements.

Some people are just incapable of human emotion and empathy.

OP, maybe move this thread to 'work' rather than AIBU. You'll get more measured replies.

Personally, if I was your manager, i would be worried that if you are experiencing heightened emotions around his situation, it might mean you are close to stress / burnout from effectively doing 2 jobs for over a year. Our personal resilience goes down and so what might not have affected you so badly a year ago, is doing now. How is your relationship with your own manager? Can you talk to them for help in putting a longer term plan in place for this colleague? Maybe addressing the workload situation, plus speaking to HR or your employee assistance programme (if you have one) will give you a bit of space from everything.

With respect this person has supported the parent and it will obviously have a ripple affect. Although the OP isn't at the opening of the volcano they are at the bottom and its having an impact on their life.

Just to reiterate that your professional reaction has been spot on. You e supported this man as much as you could within your professional boundaries - knowing what was going on to give him leave/wfh etc….

The fact you’re been affected by the situation isn’t surprising. Your colleague has basically been a reminder that things dint always go well. That people get ill and that things can be really unfair. Even though we all know that, it’s very different when it’s played out right in front of you day in and day out.

I think you’d be quite heartless to not be somehow affected by it.
But I also think your reaction is much stronger than most people. It somehow has touched a nerve for you and triggered massive anxiety (around illness, death??). The best you can do is to get counselling. Through work or privately so this affects you, and your family, in that way.

Don’t feel guilty about your reactions (unlike some posters suggest…). Anxiety is anxiety. It doesn’t matter what the trigger is. But do seek support for it, like you would if you were anxious for any other reason.

Some people do actually need to hear that sometimes.

Well said OP.
This corporate speak moron can F off. You’ve done nothing but show humanity.

Personally, I think youve been a great person helping your colleague. I would do the same in your position.

His child is in remission now so you need to start discussing how he can start to pick more work up gradually, maybe to come into the office some days or work flexibly around his child. Not doing this may cause major issues if you leave ... he could potentially lose his job as he's not doing it.

Perhaps talk to your manager. The company may have a strategy to support which is not mostly you.

It is a work issue if the OP needs to sign off on his time off wants and wishes. Then, add to that, the OP is helping him by working extra to cover what he cannot get done.

I want to know, how is this NOT a work issue?

@BridgetJones55 There are some real nasties on here. Just ignore them and get the advice from the PP who have been helpful to you. I have zero advice because I have walked in your shoes, but I am impressed that you have done so much for that family by covering work issues. I hope you get some help from your work before you totally burn out from exhaustion (emotional, mental and physical).

I think some posters have missed the fact that this colleague is not in the UK.

I hope noone ever makes you a manager

Perhaps you should read more about it actually, if you really think this isn’t about the OP. Or maybe just don’t comment on this subject if you are too poorly educated on it to understand second hand trauma or the strain and emotional upset caused by listening to other people’s upsetting situations.

In honesty, I cannot think about this sort of thing for too long without hurting, as I have a son a similar age. I can well imagine it hurts OP. Even if it isn't loaded on you directly. Realistically, I don't know what can be done bar speaking to work and getting your workload lessened and taking some time to work on yourself.

This really isn’t about you.

what the fuck have I just read

You can't maintain doing the job of 2 people. Speak to your HR if he is still WFH to try and get him on a staged return back to office working.

Do you have an EAP available for you to speak to. They can offer counselling, help and advice. Do you have a Manager who you can speak to about whats going on and to see if you can find a way forward.

It sounds like you have become very emotionally involved, which is understandable as you are able to empathise but it certainly will have taken it's toll on you too.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago although not related to a child. Like it or not we spend a lot of time with colleagues and emotions and empathy creep in to professional situations. It called being human. This is about the OP. Their feelings and emotions are every bit as valid as her colleague’s. If your workplace has some form of assistance programme please use it or maybe your union has a programme. Don’t let anyone minimise your feelings because ‘this is not about you’. The way you feel is about you. I hope both you and your colleague get the help you need. Good luck.

NO - that’s NOT the case @GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

Working intensely in any business where a colleague is struggling in such an awful way can impact people around them.
This sounds like it’s being going on a while; not all businesses have excess employees to pick up extra work; or even magic HR departments with all the answers in work distribution. IF a business needs to incur extra costs to cover someone who’s sick/ struggling, they will often recoup that cost by reducing salary from that person by paying them less for their reduced hours. It sounds like @BridgetJones55 has been picking up his work so it’s not affected the company from a cost perspective.
I’ve managed many many people directly who’ve got sick in varying degrees and over a long period and working out how to support them with full pay and reduced work - but still please the board and deliver results is HARD. And after a long time - this can be wearing and the more tired you get it’s harder set boundaries. she’s entitled to vent and ask for support in how to deal with this ongoing.

This

(And I manage a team. And some of them have had various family emergencies come up - including a truly awful situation for one person who is in the uk as a refugee under terrible circumstances. I do take some of it on myself and it does affect me, but at the end of the day my responsibility is about them as coworkers, and not take responsibility for the rest of their lives. So yes it's super hard but I have to leave it at the end of the workday and enjoy the things that are good in my own life too)

If he really can't do his job then it's time to explore what he can do. You have been an amazing boss but you can't fix this sadly.

I think she is referring to January 2024 when she says last January.

This. I think you have been very empathetic - but he should access the workplace support / counselling system and you should maybe flag higher up that you need support with workload. It’s awful but it shouldn’t be affecting you this much. So either it’s something underlying with you or you have lacked boundaries.

While heartbreaking, that can't mean that you do extra work every week forever. You have your life to live as well.

With all the support and care in the world, where is this heading? It's a chronic situation now so you need to have a realistic discussion about what this means for him. Flexible working / going part time / etc has to be part of the discussion. It's terribly sad but you can't take care of his workload forever.