Colleague’s child is very ill - how to cope

That’s ok because the OP isn’t talking to her colleague. She hasn’t even talked about it to HR! So there is no risk of tye colkeague being grossed out by the OP issues

She is asking here, a group of anonymous people how to handle things.
Which is totally fine seeing that
1- posters on MN have no relationship with the colleague
2- the OP HAS an issue that is affecting her MH (regardless of the reason)

The OP is very affected by the situation at work and at home. She is asking for advice. She already feels bad so why rub her nose in it?

Thanks so much.

I’d be pretty grossed out if one of my colleagues was making my cancer all about how sad they are buying nice things. If you need support with your workload, ask for it. Otherwise, you sound like a bit of a grief vulture. Be grateful and enjoy your life.

on the contrary, what she is asking is about her. And it is better that she ask strangers than the colleague.

OP I'm sure part of your problem is that you have been working too much. So first off you need to find out what the company's plan is to either reinstate the colleague full time with or without support, if he will come back part-time or flexibly and (most important) how his workload is going to be distributed going forward.

It helps nobody if you burn out too and your workload is added to the pile.

As for your thoughts: you are a parent. Things often seem overwhelming and insurmountable. But. As long as it is not you or your child that is directly affected your job here is to carry on being the parent to your child, making sure that you all live healthy, fulfilled lives, and that you have plans that you can activate if/when something similar happens. (so you know in advance that you have childcare in place etc etc)

You need to get on top of those feelings, because parenting is a very bumpy ride, even without these additional anxieties.

👍🏻

Mean comment , its a terrible situation and as the op is extremely aware it is not about them they are absolutely reasonable to feel and express on here how someone else's life affects them.

Keep in mind that this sort of situation can happen to you any time, can happen to us all any time, or do you think you are immune or we are immune? Enjoy and be happy every day because you don't know what tomorrow will bring you.

So when you see someone in a lot of emotional trouble. Put your emotional rain jacket on. I’m t means you can support them without getting wet and they might realise because you are wearing a jacket that it is actually raining

love this

@Kirbert2 I am so sorry your family has had to go through such a horrible illness. I wish your child and your family the very best and hopes for "clear of cancer" sign in the future. {{HUGS}}

she’s asked how to deal with her own emotions and explained where the emotions coming from…
Because of maybe her character and personal circumstances OP feels particularly deeply for her colleague and his family and can’t just get them out of her head. It often happens. Some people are more sensitive emotionally than others and some problems touch us more than others.

I totally understand this. But I also do think it’s important that people point out to OP that this situation actually isn’t about her; indeed OP’s problem seems to be that she has mistaken it for being so.

It is a question of perspective taking, separation of self from other, and an important part of being an emotionally mature adult.

Other people around you are going to have serious problems in their life. Right now , for example, I have a friend whose 5 year old has stage 4 neuroblastoma; I have a neighbour with three children under 5 (including a 3 month old baby) who has just been diagnosed with metastatised cancer; I have a close friend whose mother has just been diagnosed with MND; another friend has just lost both her parents, suddenly and in quick succession. My heart honestly breaks for all these people, but I also have to learn how to separate what’s mine from what is their’s or I honestly wouldn’t cope.

I agree with the comment but I imagine empathy as a rain jacket.

If you saw someone standing out in the rain you might be tempted to run out and try and cover them but they are so wet they are numb to the rain. After a while you also get so wet you become numb to the rain too.

So when you see someone in a lot of emotional trouble. Put your emotional rain jacket on. I’m t means you can support them without getting wet and they might realise because you are wearing a jacket that it is actually raining.

@BridgetJones55 From what you said in your OP, you are doing the majority of the work this man cannot do, due to time, dealing with his situation, etc.

Am I right in assuming that you don't want upper management/HR to know how much you are doing because you don't want him to have to go to p/t or lose his job?

That is what I am getting from your post so if I am incorrect, please tell me.

You could be talking about my child except he's older at 9. My son is also now in remission but cancer has done it's damage and his body will never be quite the same again.

You feel guilty because it happened to someone else's child. Everyone knows that childhood cancer exists but it is easy to almost push it aside until it hits someone you know and then it feels real. Children get cancer, it could've been your child but it wasn't and it makes you feel a certain way.

It's completely normal. It's just like when my son was diagnosed and then also had to deal with the surgeries and complications, I often found myself thinking 'Why did it have to be him?' but then I'd feel guilty because if it wasn't him then it would be some other child.

It's obviously hardest for the child and their family but it is absolutely hard for those who know the child and family too.

Is the child recently in remission? I think what also doesn't help is that when people hear remission, they automatically think it is over and life can go back to normal when it is rarely that simple. Again, this is obviously more about the child and the family but can also hit those who know the child and family too. Remission can be almost as scary as the child going through the actual treatment because finding the new normal is hard, especially doing it knowing that relapse is a possibility.

Give yourself some time. Allow it to show you that life is precious and it is exactly for spending money on nice things and I promise you that your colleague will still tell his child off and push his child to do what he can achieve and he will do it with a smile on his face because it means that his child is still here and is healthy enough to achieve things and do something to be told off!

I promise you, what you are feeling is normal. Childhood cancer really does touch everyone involved.

Also - sorry - posting lots on this thread as I feel there are many unsupportive comments towards @BridgetJones55 and I don’t want her to feel disheartened.
Often a colleague’s relationship with other colleagues can be quite intense in these types of situations - even a friend can stop phoning for a day or so - but a colleague is there every day working side by side with the person struggling. And the way they can help is by covering or picking up their slack.. it’s intense.

This is incredibly helpful, thank you. As a project manager I often absorb a lot of other people's emotions. As one step removed from what are often people's once in a lifetime career passion projects I don't feel as emotional about them but supporting calmly while actively managing deadlines etc. is hard work and I am often drained by it. I love the idea that I can pass my stress outwards again to somebody even less emotionally involved and that will help it to dissipate.

It sounds like you are suffering from vicarious trauma, please seek professional help and support for yourself.

You could probably benefit from therapy to deal with your reaction around this so it doesn’t affect your own family.
i would talk to HR as you shouldn’t be doing two peoples jobs (if that’s the case?)
I’ve been in a similar situation to this man and nobody picked up the slack for my husband at work! Maybe you took on too much?

Does your employer offer an EAP or similar for you? Can you off load to someone?

Don't feel guilty for living your life and loving your children. His situation is sad but it's not your situation to mourn

You are being a carrying manager checking in on this man which is obviously a very challenging time for his family. He will be grateful for the space and time you give him

Speak to your manager about longer term support or spreading the work more fairly. You do need to look after yourself too so you don't become unwell/burnt out

I think you need to give your head a wobble with this rageful comment to be honest.

My perspective was perfectly reasonable and I think it’s one the OP could do well to hear.

Sometimes what is squarely in order is a little bit of perspective taking.

I dont think you read the OP properly.

The OP isnt trying to make her colleagues situation about her. But she is a casualty of it because she has taken on his workload as well as her own and is understandably stressed as a result.

OP does your work have a longer term plan for your colleagues workload because you cannot sustain shouldering yours and his work. It is obviously making you vulnerable.

Two things will help you

• engage support for you and your team at work
• Try CBT, this will help you unpick the recent choices you have made at work (taking on someone elses work is kind but unrealistic and unhelpful to all in the long term) and how to adapt going forward and will also help you with healthy coping mechanisms in times of stress and how to deal with the intrusive/unwelcome throughts you are having.

The complete lack of empathy and compassion is disgraceful in this thread.

Is the OP not allowed to be human in this and have feelings and emotions? Managing someone going through a traumatic situation is hard. You can have all the training in the world but sometimes it doesn't prepare you for a real life situation.

When you are taking on a whole extra workload and it's starting to affect your own mental wellbeing the OP's management should be taking note of that and supporting them! Why have they not intervened earlier? It's been over a year?

What is going on with her colleague doesn't make how the OP feels invalid or means she can't talk about it because someone else is going through worse. It's absolutely terrible what he is going through but as his manager the OP has a job to support him and inevitably his child going through cancer is going come into conversation as the OP quite rightly stated they need to know what days off he needs for appointments etc.

If you don't let something like that affect you, especially when you have children then there is obviously something very wrong with your heart. The OP has had to deal with this for over a year, not just a few days. And it sounds like it's not going to end anytime soon either.

Use whatever supports is available to you OP. Employee Assistance Lines, Occupational Health, your own GP. Speak to your managers about the best way forward now in perhaps gradually giving him some of his workload back or sharing it between others.

I hope you come to a resolution and please know it's ok to feel this way. You are only human and the fact you feel like this shows you are a very kind one too

I am pretty sure the world is safe from that possibility. 😎😉

Other people are allowed to get upset though. It must be hard to have to be a therapist as well as a manager when you are not trained in such. Be kind.

OP is not making it about her at all, she’s asked how to deal with her own emotions and explained where the emotions coming from. She is there for very specific advice.
Because of maybe her character and personal circumstances OP feels particularly deeply for her colleague and his family and can’t just get them out of her head. It often happens. Some people are more sensitive emotionally than others and some problems touch us more than others.