Colleague’s child is very ill - how to cope

We are a small company. If I push it too much with my manager (CEO) and HR, we’ll have to consider replacing this employee. He will probably be asked to go on 6month unpaid leave and claim insurance - this won’t be enough for his expenses.

This isn't your problem, it's his. You work for the business. You're employed to make your company run as efficiently as possible. The mere fact that you appear to know his monthly household expenses is an indication of how over-involved you are in his life.

Do you fancy him, OP? Is there a bit more to it than just over-identifying with his family situation and his child's illness? This doesn't seem a healthy state of affairs, tbh.

You have been an amazing boss @BridgetJones55 and when your colleague looks back on this period - hopefully with a healthy child - you will be one of the people he feels most grateful to. Company support and an income is critical at these times.
It’s tough on you. You shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling joy - you are doing so much for him and his family by ensuring his salary isn’t cut by picking up his understandable slack.
take some leave and maybe try and talk to someone so you can recharge and continue to support.
People like you are special x

You can be over-empathetic and pulled into people's dramas if you' re not careful. Empathy can be as toxic as anything else. OP is his manager, she needs to be professional.

Really?,ffs

This. In the early days you should have involved HR and probably Occupational Health to manage his distress and work issues. All this 'be kind' and 'bring your whole self to work' stuff is toxic, as you've discovered, OP.

You bring your professional self to work, and if you can't do that then you get help to make it possible. You bear some responsibility in this outcome because you seem to have become over-involved in his drama. What he probably needs from you is some boundaries, so he doesn't bring home to work with him. Those boundaries may actually give him some relief from the talking/worrying cycle and protect you too.

You're now over-involved and need to take yourself to HR for support to get the situation back in balance. Good luck.

It's called being empathetic, ffs

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I think she has supported him by working hard and shouldering a work burden for him for over a year. She thinks about him, feels sad for him and guilty that she can still feel joy and this is playing in her after all this time.

It’s then hard to talk about this IRL because of course the main issue is what her colleague is going through but in this anonymous forum she’s entitled to ask for help for support so she can continue to support him.

This is not what she’s saying.
shes tired and for over a year she’s helped support colleague from a work burden perspective, so he hasn’t had to take a potential salary reduction which could have caused the family financial problems on top of everything else.
sounds like she’s human and is asking for support on dealing with this situation - work burden AND just being so close to this sadness every day and the guilt she’s feeling that she’s ok.
she sounds highly empathetic and people who aren’t so much are misinterpreting her.

A colleague had nothing similar some 20 years ago and the baby died - it stays with you - that poor family, bit I often think about that time.

It is emotionally draining especially when you have similar aged kids.

Be proactive, ask for support on the work front. Ask for a mental health chat with a professional

Wow. I assumed this would be work related, ie colleague not able to be pulling his weight, and you having to do too much.

Just finding it difficult to hear about someone’s ill child, because you have children? Get over yourself and stop being so selfish.

Above sounds about right to me. OP this thread went weird from the first (inappropriate) response. You don't deserve any of the judgment. You do need more distance though, don't feel guilty about your children being well.

I've had ppl struggling who report to me at work and it gets to me every time. Not everyone can just switch off. Got to keep trying though....

What is it that you feel you need support to 'cope' with then?

This comes up once a week, and necessarily informs decisions you need to make as a manager in terms of workload, time off etc. That doesn't sound too onerous?

Are you still taking on the bulk of his workload? In which case I can see why you'd need support with that, and I think the best bet is to go to your manager/ HR and look at potential solutions that don't involve you doing the work of two people.

Your initial post sounded more personal though - like it was affecting your thoughts/ life/ parenting and making you feel guilty for parenting choices or for doing things that could be seen as 'frivolous' such as beauty treatments. I can understand that to some extent - I have a friend with a young child the same age as mine, and that friend has been very seriously ill. I've obviously felt very sad and worried - because she's my friend - but also felt that guilt and sense of unfairness that I'm moaning about a broken night's sleep or looking forward to a nice holiday whilst she's dealing with so much more. And the only thing you can do really is remember it's not ultimately about you, that you not having your beauty treatment or not doing something nice for your kids will make precisely zero difference to his situation. Obviously don't put any of these feelings or concerns onto him - of course you wouldn't - and focus on what you can do to best support him and his family in your capacity as his manager. That you've been supportive this far has already made a difference and no doubt made the situation more manageable for them, keep doing that.

I think it's fair enough that you've cried about it - it's a heartbreaking situation and to have no response would be strange - again as long as you're not showing that response to your colleague. If it's really playing on your mind/ becoming more intrusive maybe consider some counselling for yourself to help.

The second post this week where the OP has main character syndrome. As someone who has had a very ill child, who then died, I despise this behaviour. Support your colleague; do not make this in any way about you.

Yes, it’s hard. She’s in trouble and it doesn’t help with all the hyenas here saying she’s making it about herself

I find trauma-dumping difficult in office spaces. I have a colleague who talks about the death of her parent from cancer just about every single day. You have the complicated juxtaposition of feelings of pitying them, being glad that's not you/your loved one, guilty for that feeling and aware how fragile life can be, all at once. It's exhausting.
I think OP needs to take a step back. Firstly, stop covering the extra work. Go to whoever is your boss and ask for redistribution. Secondly, take some leave and go cold turkey on this poor family's hard time. Put your head back into your own life rather than some else's and learn about professional boundaries.

Kindly, that's not your problem.

Your problems are:
-having to walk on eggshells about sharing your life's ups because he is sharing all of his life's downs.
-taking on additional work when you also have the burden of looking after your own young family.

You need to:
-stop walking on eggshells. You don't need to make your life smaller to give him more space.
-insist the company follows the capability for work procedure for him. If you're having to do much of his workload then he isn't capable of working in his current condition. He needs to figure that shit out. Not you.
-speak to your overheads about the unfairness of the workload and insist you'll only be doing your workload. Ask for a risk assessment for mental health grounds for yourself to hammer it home that this is not sustainable and is having an impact on your own mental health.

@Tandora I think your post was helpful and sensible, exactly the advice OP was asking for, however some people were unnecessarily harsh and dismissive.

It can difficult if you are a naturally caring person as well as a manager sometimes. I would be accessing the services you have in the workplace, eg Employee Assistance Programme if you have it? There may be counselling available. I would also be considering speaking to your GP about help if you feel you need to. Defo keep your own line manager in the loop about your feelings too, and also HR if they are available. Managers have a dual role here, supporting your team member while getting the job done, and that can be tough for sure - you need to stay professional in the workplace, while looking after yourself too op.

Have you considered a bit of therapy, to help you take some distance from their situation?

Absolutely this

oh dear.

@Kirbert2 thank you fir sharing that with us.

I really hope your child will keep in remission and the ‘after effects’ of the treatments will be as manageable as possible.

I think it’s a really important take too.
Hope it will make some posters think twice too.

I think this really hits home when a child you know or know of is diagnosed with cancer.

Even when it's you, it didn't even cross my mind that it was cancer. Even when my son was at his sickest and we knew cancer was possible, it wouldn't be cancer because cancer happens to other families, not us.

I think it's often how we try and protect ourselves to bad things that can and do happen, especially when it comes to children.

Jesus some responses have made me question what on earth is wrong with people.
OP it’s ok to have reached the max of your mental load. You’ve helped your colleague - this now absolutely is about you and how you are coping. It’s ok to think about yourself.