Colleague’s child is very ill - how to cope

OP you sound like a lovely and deeply empathic person. I think you need to separate this into two things, the work load you have taken on and secondly the emotional impact its had on you.

It's time to get the workload sorted so you are not being overworked. Make a plan and talk to you colleagues and managers to put that in place.

The emotional side is harder I'd look at getting some counselling this would help you in general as it sounds like you are someone who might take on a lot of the problems of the world and there's a lot of those about.

Look after your own health and wellbeing. Practice some mindfulness and meditation to help you relax, look after yourself physically make sure you are getting plenty of rest, eating well getting enough exercise and fresh air. Each of those might only have a small effect but added together, over time it will build up.

I think the mindfulness helps you practise being present in the moment which will then help you start to spend more of your free time with your own family without these worries playing on your mind. You will get better at setting them aside. That's best for you and the family.

What an unhelpful and pointless answer. The OP is asking for advice not judgement

it is about her, the thread is literally about her. It is about the emotional impact on her of supporting her team member through a traumatic life event.

The lack of understanding from many posters on here is staggering.

@MissHollysDolly if you read the OP carefully you will see that she has been having short catch ups with him for the past 14 months as she’s his line manager - in a small business and she reports into the CEO.
Those short catch ups and general awareness of what is going on can mount up in time.
SECONDLY - HOW do you know whether this is accurate in terms of colleague / illness/ child… it could be representative in order for her to convey her scenario of dealing with someone daily for 14 months who dealing with a critically ill young child.

Your responses don't add up, first you give a lot of personal detail about someone else's family (and to be clear that's super problematic in itself) and then you say you've only talked about it a few times 1-2 minutes at a time. Which is it?

I think people are jumping on you very unreasonably. You’ve done nothing wrong @BridgetJones55, the way that you feel is real and valid.

I think the only advice I can give you is distraction. You need to keep yourself (your mind as well as your body) occupied and focused on other things. When the thoughts pop up “you shouldn’t be spending this money when X is so poorly” treat it like an intrusive thought: Notice it, recognise that it is an unhelpful thought, decide not to listen to it, let go of it and give yourself permission to move on to something else.

If you google ‘intrusive thoughts’ you will get more guidance. Good luck!

Yeah this. I get it's taking a toll on you (so step back ever so slightly, for a little while?) but this isn't about you and your beauty treatments

But why are you impacted by this? It's his life, not yours. He's not even talking at length about it to you other than giving you periodic updates.

You seem to be desperately trying to make it all about you. I'd suggest therapy for you to try and understand why you're trying to be so parasitic about someone elses pain.

As his manager, her support of him should start and finish with managing his workload, attendance and some basic human empathy for his situation.

OP has repeatedly said that this is not her main issue. Her main issue is that she is miserable because a colleague's child is sick. She's become ridiculously emotionally over involved to the point that she can't enjoy a simple treat because her colleague's family can't afford them.

So there are two options...either this is the most horrendous case of Main Character Syndrome, or OP is simply not cut out to be managing people if she can't help but get caught up in their personal lives.

She can't carry on doing another person's full workload but she won't do the right thing and let the company deal with it proper because of the financial impact it will have on her colleagues. So what happens if another colleague's wife gets sick? Or their parent?

I'm all for employers/managers going out of their way to help people in genuine need, but this has gone way beyond that.

But again, OP doesn't feel that the work thing is the main issue, it's that she's sad about someone else's personal circumstances - she's not going to get a lot of sympathy from most about that.

Thank you for taking time to think things through, @Rainbowclouds101 I wasn't trying to be inflammatory but it seemed a fairly obvious consideration to bear in mind.

I didn't report OP's post, by the way. I prefer to let things stand so that everyone can see how a thread has unfolded.

Seeing as you ask me, no. Be sympathetic sure. But I have never nor would I ever take on someone else’s workload or feel their finances were my responsibility.

I read the comment. I can see why it annoyed her. I don’t think it justified that response.

And yet.....

I don’t think she is though, and that is why she is struggling.

She's not making it about her. She has a very real problem - that trying to support him has made life very difficult for her.

To use the old analogy OP, I think you're in danger of instead of throwing a life jacket to save a drowning man, jumping in with him and drowning yourself. His circumstances are very difficult and it's difficult for you to experience that indirectly. But, you are being paid to do the job of managing him in the interests of the business, not to rearrange the business around his needs. I don't see how with the best will in the world you can be doing your work and his to the required standards, but are in danger of making yourself ill trying. You need to do the sensible and professional thing here and talk to your own manager. Decisions on whether to retain an employee who can't do their job in your company are beyond your remit, and you need to stop concealing this from the aporopriate person and let them decide how to proceed.

I didn’t agree with your comment at first, but actually reading the article is quite interesting.

It reminds me, a friend of mine had to quit her job (health visitor type job) because she kept thinking of other woman’s issues and things going on in their lives so much it affected her at home. This sounds exactly what OP is doing, and she is over compensating for colleague by taking on his work load.

My friend had to have counselling.

Yes but can’t you see how this happened and could easily happen to you?

she starts working with him. His child gets very sick. She’s understanding (as everyone would be!) and says don’t worry I got you covered and starts to take on some of his work load to allow him to be with his child. The problem is this keeps going on and then he tells her that he has difficult finances and the whole family will collapse if he loses his job. His work aren’t prepared to give him any paid leave and so emotionally the burden has been passed to the OP. She can say no to taking on the workload but she knows is she does he might lose his job. He then tells her occasionally about how difficult it is. His wife is brought in. The OP feels guilty for putting her healthy family first and so has become unintendedly responsible for his family. I can totally see how she feels an emotional wreck.

very easy for people to say she’s too invested but I think the employer and the colleague are responsible for putting this pressure on the OP.

I know I have watched way too many crap Netflix shows about scams, but do you know his story is definitely true? Sorry to ask…

It is indeed.

https://www.getinflow.io/post/adhd-toxic-empathy

Something that people who know/ live with/ work with people with ADHD will be aware of but not just limited to those with ADHD. You can be too empathetic: many women are exploited by men who play on their empathy and use it to abuse them. (Not that I'm suggesting that this is what's happening here, clearly not.)

OP, I see you're really furious with me, but I think it was a reasonable question to ask. Many of us who've been managers will have seen colleagues we really like going through difficult times without identifying with them. I wondered whether, over the year of having him lean heavily on you, you'd got very close.

The problem with being a manager is that you are often required to take difficult decisions — like sacking people, or applying performance or disciplinary measures, or having to have difficult conversations with them.

I think that poster makes a valid point that people don’t normally make this much sacrifice for others unless they are family or in a relationship.

Instead of being insulting and defensive OP might reflect on that.

I think the OP is well aware of that.

What a stupid thing to say.

You perhaps are not aware how far outside the norm your behaviour and choices are. Inevitably that begs the question as to why.

It sounds to me like you’re bleeding into this man’s life from issues of your own rather than anything to do with him personally but I can see why someone might make that inference.

I'm sure she would love to, but can't bc her colleague needs support!!

I personally think what’s happened here is you’ve got too over involved (with good intentions) with your colleagues hard times that you’ve become over empathetic to the point you’ve taken on his work load and extra overtime for the last 14 months, you think about his situation too much that it has been unhealthy for you. So you feel burnt out but don’t want to tell anyone you’re drowning as you feel like you’re going to affect your colleague.

Op please you HAVE to tell HR how you are feeling. You are a mum to a young child, you can’t afford to be burnt out.