to tell ex that if parents evening is that important, he can sodding well go?

Parents evening once a term is outrageous surely that could be an email if absolutely necessary?!

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · Today 10:02

I left something out of my reply to you.

''If he thought it was important he should go himself''. Could that be taken as a reminder that he had never taken an interest in any of his children? This it hurtful. How would anyone reply to that?

I suggested she had nothing to do with him, and am castigated for that. Why?

I am far from misogynist, believe me.

Why would any woman respond to a message sent by a nasty violent man and not ignore it? Worse, respond to it and accuse him? It is the last thing I would do. I never contacted my X, knowing what I would get if I did.

The OP admits losing her temper with him when he called her names. Understandable.

The DD is 16, the youngest of 6. The OP must have been married to him for a considerable time, and knew what he was capable of. Now it appears he was physically violent as well.

He has no right to message her. She would not have been given an earful if she had not responded to the message. It isn't as though she didn't know much about him, is it?

I just advised her not to give him a heads up by responding to his message. We don't know how long they have been divorced. Divorces now are victimless. As he was violent towards her, she should not have any contact with him at all, because it just encourages him to hurt her more.

It is advice. What if she chooses to ignore that advice and continues to respond to his messages? What then?

The op said that she lost her temper with him. If she had not responded to the message he sent, he would not have had the opportunity t o be rude to her.

The youngest of six is taking GCSE exams. As the youngest is 16, the OP must have been married to her X for some considerable time. She knows him upside down and inside out by now. Why have anything to do with him? I said divorced people have to be civil to each other until the children are 18, but now, we hear that he is violent too, even more reason to have nothing to do with him, also about the children.

If you knew someone was violent, would you contact them?

I gave my advice, which was to have nothing to do with him, don't respond to his messages. That way you will not be abused.

I stand by the advice I gave. You made 6 children between you. You know what he is like. I suggested you have no contact with him, then you cannot be wrong. What is wrong with that advice? It is up to you. Either you avoid contact so that you are not abused, or you stay in contact and continue getting what you are getting from him.

What is wrong with that?

Divorces now are 'victimless'. It makes it easier. After that, when you meet, presumably, there is then a victim of crime when one speaks politely to the other x partner and gets a tirade of abuse in return, and still the 'victim' doesn't respond in kind.

So the bad language was just for our benefit? I apologise. She let off steam to us but was perfectly polite to her X? I quote:

    ''So that was when I lost my shit and said "Well considering you have never been to a single one of her parents evenings, perhaps this is the time you should go if you think it matters so much". Radio Silence.''

Would there have been the same row had she not responded to the message?

If you saw someone you knew had a peanut allergy, tucking into a peanut butter sandwich, what would you think?

That person would only be a victim if they had no idea they were eating peanut butter. However, if they knew what they were eating, what would you think?

OP didn’t shout or use bad language - where did she say that ? Her ex contacted her to ask if she had booked the appointment. He didn’t have anything to criticise, it was a simple, normal exchange. ‘Have you made the appointment ?’ ‘No, I’m not going.’ What else do you suggest she should have said ?

Glad you’re not interested any more because with every post you’ve clearly demonstrated that you haven’t grasped the situation - you’ve actually invented a few things in your efforts to victim blame and that really doesn’t bring anything to the discussion. And the notion that OP was ‘provoking’ him is downright offensive. If you stop apologising for abusive arseholes like this you might realise that they will find any excuse to abuse, and appeasing them achieves nothing.

Where on earth has OP said that she shouted and used bad language to her ex-DH? She said:

'So that was when I lost my shit and said "Well considering you have never been to a single one of her parents evenings, perhaps this is the time you should go if you think it matters so much".'

Her response to her DH's goading was much more measured than mine would have been. She hasn't done anything to provoke him apart from turning his double standards back on him. You are just making up stuff to show OP in a bad light.

He asked if OP would be going. She said no and basically told him if it was so important to him then he should go himself. How is that ‘goading him’ ? He’s DD’s daughter, if he was so bothered then what’s stopping him ? What should she have said, given that he contacted her ? You’ve been deleted twice and still you’re trying to excuse his abusive attitude.

One of you should go. It doesn't have to be you

I shall. Many divorced men, who are to blame for the split, spend the rest of their lives justifying themselves against their X wives.

They will take every opportunity to try to convince people that is wasn't their fault. The problem is that when children are involved you are tied to an X until they are 18, and unless every effort is made to be polite to one another, there will be occasions when something like the OP has experienced happens.

Of course it is wrong, and nasty. It could have been avoided, and I merely suggested that if on another occasion she doesn't shout and use bad language, he would have nothing to criticise. It was just common sense. If the OP insists he was not provoked, then I accept it.

Not interested any more.

I gave advice. I divorced my CF, and it was for a lot more than name calling.

I learned to avoid anything that might give him the upper hand. I cannot understand why my reply was victim blaming. It seems incredible to me that passing on advice from experience would be taken as victim blaming.

If you know what someone is like, you don't goad them into another attack, do you?

I have three children. On some occasions the open day, where parents are free to wander to see the work done in the school while waiting their turn to meet teacher.

Others was just a meet teacher. I had one spirited visit with my DD. She was six. The teacher told me she was doing very well. I taught all mine to read before they went to school, and tell the time, and tie their laces.

I said I was surprised because she came home from school the other day and said ''we learned the time again. That is the third time we learned to tell the time''. To which the teacher then said: 'Well she doesn't always pay attention'. I replied: 'She tells me that the children talk all the time and she cannot hear the teacher'. The teacher said it was not always easy to stop children talking.

That is when I told her that next term she would be going to a private school. Six other children also moved out of that school to the private school.

Sometimes, open days can be quite illuminating. That occasion began with the teacher saying how well my DD was doing.

Are you that permanently furious poster who moved to Australia? Your poor DD is all I can say.

If he believes that are so important then yes he should have found time to go to some. '

It is bloody annoying when decsions have been made and people try for their own reasons to talk your DC into changing them. Our youngest is being houded because she doesn't want to stay at sixth form - she has a nice acceptable reason and more she's not stated- they don't do one of the A-levels she wants - but she still be dragged to three meetings, been contacted on teams and we've had e-mails. Though with GCSE choices we found teachers backed off when we backed our kids chocies.

I did occaionally find the parent meeting with odd subject teacher useful - ideas to support the DC or resources we weren't aware of and last year why she was struggling with two subjects - it was very clear upon meeting teachers why she had problems with their approaches. However mostly not that useful at all.

He’s a waste of space. Well done for putting your foot down. You don’t need to go. Ask the school if they have any concerns to raise and if non then fine. If they do they can raise them over the phone. Missing one won’t hurt

My ex is like yours, he never goes to any of the school things and has now stopped bothering with most hospital appointments and such too. When he does come he either spends 80% of the time talking about him and his struggles or he makes ridiculous suggestions like upsetting our son with SEN's happy and settled routine or shaking up his newly developed coping mechanisms just to seem Important. He adds no value really to anything as he only shows up when he has an audience and thinks he's the most important person in the room and gets angry if people especially me don't play along.
My kids are much younger but I get termly updates and meetings with my son's teacher and the psa's that help him so parents evening is a waste of time frankly, 5 minutes isn't enough time to talk about anything in depth. I go as I'm there for my daughter anyway and she doesn't need the extra meetings so it's good to touch base with her teacher. I suffered years of abuse from the father of my kids. I can tolerate being around him for the sake of the kids if I have to so it's almost like most people don't believe he was abusive cos I can sit next to him and make polite small talk. People in general choose to be blind to what horrible See You Next Tuesdays some men can be as the they have always been nice when I met them mentality is rife. But no you 100% are not being unreasonable to tell him to go although its probably better for your daughter that he doesn't as I'm sure you already know

I've got 4 kids and Im a teacher ( I don't have to do parents evening as I teach resit maths) I have said the same as you for years. I'm not sure it's the best use of anyone's time. In 5 minutes you can't discuss anything. Any real issues would be delt with outside this time. Yes it's great to hear great things about your kids but I already know my kids are great. I do still go if it's an important year for decisions but we didn't go to my son's y8 he was more than happy. I'm with you.

Agree

It is victim blaming and it is disgusting, do you always tell victims of abuse that they asked for it 0 because they didn't carefully watch their words every single moment? You are quite literally blaming OP for her Exs abuse, what you've written is indefensible and YOU should know better. Your behaviour is the problem here, not OPs.