to tell ex that if parents evening is that important, he can sodding well go?

Op, I've read most of the FT now. In light of his physical and emotional DV, which you had not included in your OP, YABVU.

But not for calling him out. That was NU even if it could be seen as slightly hypocritical (I won't go, but you go if it's important to you, and you're as equally a shitty parent if you do the same as me, ie, refuse to go).

YABU for replying to his query about whether you're attending.

When an ex is abusive, you do well to learn to ignore ignore ignore.

You do not need to offer him the courtesy of a reply like you would do a normal non-abusive person.

He is in an entirely different category of his own. He needs the special treatment of being entirely ignored.

It's none of his business. He's your ex. If he wants to go he can organise it with school. If he doesn't want to go he can shut up and go away. What he can't do is pester you about whether you're going. It's none of his business because he is your ex. It's none of his business because he's not just your ex but he's your extremely abusive ex. You know? The one that is receiving the special treatment of full-on ignore.

So it should go like this:
Abusive ex receiving special ignore treatment: "are you going to school parent evening?"
You:

(Ignoring)

Abusive ex receiving special ignore treatment: " I need to know!"
You:
(Still ignoring, confident that he doesn't need to know, he's just trying to control you)

They eventually learn OP, but they only learn if off you by being ignored.

You shouldn't have to be the one to teach them but it's the only way, other than a non molestation order forbidding all contact.

I simply don’t believe that a victim of domestic abuse would have even thought any of this bullshit, much less said it. You’ve spent the thread basically telling a woman who has been abused at the hands of a partner that she’s somehow brought it on herself and that instead of standing up for herself when she inevitably has to be in contact with him about her DD, she should try to appease him and not ‘provoke’ him.

You weren’t ’too kind’, you’ve been rude and dismissive of the OP and you’ve only skimmed her posts instead of reading them properly because you clearly haven’t understood any of them. And what you haven’t understood you’ve invented to suit your own narrative - which, curiously, seems to be supporting and apologising for abusive, controlling men.

OP’s daughter didn’t want to attend the parents evening. OP agreed they were a waste of time - and wait for it, here’s the crucial bit - that’s because OP is in regular contact with DD’s head of year every couple of weeks, so the parents’ evening wouldn’t have told her anything she didn’t already know. And there is a GCSE choices meeting to which OP has already said she will be going.

Now see if you can wrap your head around the concept that OP isn’t the one who needs to attend the parents evening - her ex is. Because up to this point he’s never been and he hasn’t got the benefit of OP’s regular contact with the school. He’s not going himself but he wants OP to. That’s a control issue - OP is no longer allowing him to control her, so he flew into a rage and verbally abused her.

What concerns me most about your posts is that a victim of domestic abuse would be able to recognise this for what it is - coercive control. The last thing they would do to another victim of domestic abuse is to try to minimise and excuse the behaviour, or try to suggest that OP was ‘provoking’ him - because they would know that these men don’t need provocation. Any contact will likely end in verbal abuse because that’s who he is. Why do you not recognise any of these things ? Why do you advocate for the abuser ?

As DDs parents they will need contact sometimes until she is an adult. Until then OP isn’t really free of his abusive behaviour. She’s not allowing him to control her any longer and he clearly doesn’t like it - hence the abuse. But she doesn’t have to meekly accept it.

You seem new to MN and if you’re going to be a regular contributor you’re going to have to get used to the colourful language. And in the spirit of that, here’s a bit of advice. You’re also going to have to recognise that if you come on to a thread, paint yourself as a victim of DV while demonstrating no understanding of the issues involved - and worse, apologising for abusive controlling pieces of shit, while blaming the victim - you’re going to get your arse handed to you. Every single time.

ND is a very commonly used acronym on here, can’t believe you haven’t come across it.

Also having read your posts, I agree with PP that you are harassing and clearly can’t see you are in the wrong. You need to stop posting

Sorry - DD not DS.
I 've gone back and read some of the last few posts before I noticed I got that wrong! I'm confused now about how the arsey posts are even relevant. 16 year olds voting. What? How did they get there from exH being a dick about parents evening.
I now have to go back and read the rest.
Sorry OP you had to put up with what looks like complete nonsense

I agree that if you have a kid that's doing well there's little point in going to parents evening, especially if they don't want to go. Each appointment is over in 2 minutes and they don't say anything you don't already know. If he paid attention to his DS instead of trying to score points he would know that.
YWNU.

If you seriously think that you have been too kind, you need some sort of psychological or psychiatric help.

Your posting style, hectoring tone and volume of posts seem like harassment to me.

Your support of OP's neglectful and abusive ex-husband is nauseating. OP is missing one parents' evening because her daughter doesn't want to go. OP's DH has never attended even one parents' evening for any of his 4 children but you undertand why he is upset about OP's non-attendance?

I would tell you to leave the OP alone, but as you are enjoying upsetting her and revelling in your smug, misguided self-righteousness, I doubt you would take this advice on board.

When you have 6 kids they learn to go without and not complain.

I don't see how you can ever fully know she is not holding up a mirror to you, reflecting YOUR opinion because she has learned to go without and not complain.

She will already be a forgotten child because that's what happens with a big family. You can't help it.

I guarantee you, whether either of you admit it, there will be a little part of her feeling that little doubt of neither parent could be bothered. She probably hates it you've both argued over it, even if ex is in the wrong.

Regardless, I would go, just to carve the time to openly celebrate her and take her for a treat on the way home. She might brush it off at the time (still reflecting YOUR opinion) but she won't be able to stop herself also carrying it with her as a positive.

Have you actually read the OP?

I'm more worried about you having a vote. Your levels of comprehension and empathy are seriously lacking but you have insisted on taking over this thread with your uninformed, self-satisfied, tone deaf contributions.

You misread a huge amount! And misinterpreted the rest.

But there is no way you will accept that. Instead you keep hassling the OP. You have blamed her repeatedly for her ex’s bad behaviour and said ‘they deserve each other. Maybe take a look at your own attitudes.

As for ‘bad language’ it is swearing. You are trying to apply your morals onto others and attempting to police other people’s language. Given your moral compass being so ropey it is really amusing you think this makes you morally superior.

Be quiet. I’ve reported you for continually harassing the OP. Please get some help

Just give it a rest now

I don’t think you should go, it’s a waste of time, you know what you need to know. I’ll be going to my sons parents evening this year but not going to my daughters, I know she’s doing very well academically and last year that was basically the whole conversation, she’s doing great, keep doing that….

God help us if this labour government gives 16 year olds the vote.

Why blame me? The OP told us her DD has ND.

I wasn't familiar with the initials shortening the illness. I wanted to understand a bit more.

If the OP did not want us to know that her daughter has ND, why tell us?

We live in the world and have to survive. Survival depends on knowing why people do the things they do.

I am sorry if no one believes that enough to follow it, but don't dismiss it.

I am sorry I made a typing error. It was ND not MD. I really must get a new keyboard. I would have done before, but when someone else went to use it they didn't know where the letters were so I kept it for security.

I have a lot of sympathy and understanding for disabled children. I was chairman of the governors of more than one special school.

If you are not a 'cowed victim' as you say, why accuse me of victim bashing when I advised you not to respond to his messages?

Ok at this point I know you're on the wind up now. Ignore them OP.

I whole heartedly agree with you he just wants to be a knob and thinks it’s your job to do all the parents evenings and it’s his job to berate you for not going to one but thinks him not going is absolutely fine. I can see why he’s an ex I imagine this was his attitude towards you and the kids when you were married. You’ve discussed it with your DD she’s fine with you not going it’s as boring for her as it is for you and you already know how well she’s doing you don’t need to sit there all night to be told the same thing by all of her teachers if it’s that important to him then he can take himself down there and listen to the teachers for the first time in his life. Doesn’t take a genius to figure out who the shit parent is.

I googled MD because I wasn't sure what it was. I had an idea, but wanted to be right. I have copied and posted it below:

Neurodivergent (ND) describes individuals with brains that are structured differently due to a natural variation in brain development and function. Neurodivergence includes autistic people and those with ADHD, dyslexia, dyscalculia, developmental language disorder (DLD) and Tourette syndrome.

I am very sorry your daughter has this problem. I can understand why she doesn't want to attend, but I cannot understand why you don't want to.

You are sure deep down you are right?

You have a 'but' ? Were you inviting comments because you are not sure? Is that why posters who look at it another way get short shrift?

If you know you are right deep down, why did you invite comments in the first place, comments that have been received by you with some very biting remarks.

I misread the 'WOULDN'T for couldn't.

I see now that I was too kind. You refused to attend the child's meet teacher evening because you didn't think it was worth going, as you were only going to be told what you knew already, that your DD was doing well.

I can see why that would upset her father. He was wrong to use bad language and call you a bad mother. He should have known that would upset you, but why would you tell him you had no intention of going because it wasn't worth it, then bawled him out because he wasn't going either.

It is either worth it or it isn't. I am sorry if you don't like my posts. I have little to no experience of posts with so many expletives in them. I have managed without them so far. I hope you only write them down and don't allow your six children to use them. They may have to live in a different world where such language is frowned on.

I wish you well on your journey through life. I hope you are able to find a new partner who will treat you better than the first two.

I hope you have a chance to read this before you bin it.