to tell ex that if parents evening is that important, he can sodding well go?

Read the thread. Several posters said similar to yourself so OP went back and talked to her DD who was emphatic that she not only doesn’t want OP to go to parents evening, but she doesn’t want her to go to the options evening either. It’s nothing to do with not being arsed - OP is in regular contact every fortnight with DD’s head of year, so she’s more clued up than most parents. And your opening comment about projecting - what do you think you’re doing here ?

The role of a governing body is the education of the child, not the diseases they are suffering from. It was the job of the governing body to ensure that what the children needed was supplied. There was no diagnosis of ND before the 1990s, and ADHD was coined in 2000, the 21st century.

“Neurodivergent” isn't a medical term, condition or diagnosis. People who are neurodivergent have differences in the way their brain works. This is still true even for people with the same medical diagnosis. That means people with very different signs and symptoms can still have the same diagnosis.

It was described in the late 1990s

ADHD has only been a recognised diagnosis since 2000.

I am not embarrassed or hurt by your very rude post on my character. It may well be known to all on here. It is not to me. I suspect I am not alone.

I don't. Why would I? You mothers ask questions and I answer them. We are supposed to be a democratic country with free speech.

Why ask questions if you only expect people to agree with you? I have always maintained that there are two sides to every question.

If you think having my responses deleted has any sort of affect on me, you are wrong. I answer with my opinion. If I refuse to accept that there could be a more amicable arrangement when it comes to children's education, I have the right to say it.

I will not agree with someone who thinks they have the right to throw insults as a response.

Parents should love their children more than they hate each other. They should stand united when it comes to anything to do with the children they have made together. There is no need for abuse on either side when they are divorced.

I'm more worried about you having a vote. Your levels of comprehension and empathy are seriously lacking but you have insisted on taking over this thread with your uninformed, self-satisfied, tone deaf contributions.

Oh FFS can you just stop !! It’s exhausting. I’ve said my piece several times over, and I’m not alone by any means. You’ve derailed the entire thread with this nonsense and you’ve clearly worn the OP out to the point where she’s abandoned the thread. Hope you’re proud.

For someone who professes to have been chairman on the board of governors of more than one school for the disabled, you don’t seem to have a very good grasp of what they entail. And I’m trying very hard not to see your last sentence as shockingly ableist, and I’m afraid I’m failing.

Honestly one of you should go. Maybe take it in turns

Bloody hell, what a lot of projection on this thread.

Someone should go, regardless if the child is Einstein. One day, they'll look back with the view their parents couldn't be arsed. I know, because I do. Show up for your kid and stop making excuses.

I divorced my first husband. I stated that on a previous post. Why would you think I have no experience of abusive men?

I read and re-read every post the OP wrote.

OP says she doesn't consider herself a victim, how is anything me or anyone else says 'victim bashing' ? It is common sense. If there are no victims in a divorce, there are none after.

That word is overused and watered down. What will it mean in the future?

If you know what starts him off, why press his buttons? It is a very dangerous thing to do.

The OP admitted that she lost her temper. She said 'lost her s---' which I take to mean the same. Once you lose your temper, you lose an argument. Common knowledge.

When he called her a 'bad mother' she rounded on him and said him NEVER going made him a worse (s---) DF. Did he ever go to his DD's school all the years they were married?

That is what she wrote. Am I wrong? I called it six of one and half a dozen of the other. It has nothing to do with 'victim bashing', especially if she says she isn't a victim.

The OP is divorced. They only need to contact one another for the sake of the child. In this case the first contact was the DF who asked the OP if she was keeping the appointment. Why did it start a row? She could just have said 'no'.

When you make a child together, it is the responsibility of both to ensure that child grows up to be a level headed adult.

Parents have to love the child more than they hate each other. They have to be civil to one another for the child's sake.

DD has visitation with her DF, who messaged the OP about his DD's meet teacher appointment.

Don't blame me for her posts' confusions. The OP said she was sure she was right, but there was a 'but', so she wasn't sure. I filled in the 'but' and she didn't agree. Did you all have to use bad language to tell me that you didn't agree?

Did I touch a raw nerve?

As I said, while you are having a go at me, you are leaving some other poor soul alone, because you all have to have a go at someone, don't you?

The meet teacher evening is important. Many posters said so. It is a meeting of parents and class teachers, about the child's progress and future. It is not a head teacher meeting about health issues. The two are separate.

A 16 year old with issues should decide if the parents go or not. Other posters said how important it is. The parents must make up their own minds. If the child doesn't want to go, the parents can go alone. Don't you agree?

In the OPs first post, she berated posters because none had answered her question properly. She just wanted to have our approval at the abuse of her X.

I told her if she knew he was abusive, why respond to him? Nothing to do with victim bashing. Good sound advice. Free counselling, if you like. They don't live together, so why reply?

When I said 'after having 6 children she should know what angers him, she responded with the news that actually, this was his only child with her.

For 11 school years he had NEVER been to any of her schools to meet teachers? If true, it was very bad indeed. Was it only acceptable after the divorce? Was it never discussed in the marriage?

How can divorced parents row about not wanting to go to meet their DD teachers? He asked if she was keeping the appointment. Instead of saying just 'no' she told him that she had NO INTENTION of going. I got the first impression that she COULDN'T go, and OP balled me out because I wrote 'couldn't' instead. I really though that no parent would refuse to meet their child's teachers. My sympathy was for DD, not for him.

She was asking if she was justified in calling him a SF after he called her a bad mother'? You have to love your children more than you hate each other. If she didn't persuade him to go when they were married, why expect it now?

You won't agree with me, but for the OP to say her X was so afraid of her he 'cowered behind a door' when she dropped off DD is nasty. Did he just want to avoid another row?

We can’t because it was deleted! All the threads you are on you get embroiled in an argument with people saying you are being rude. Do you genuinely have such little self reflection?

Please tell me when I said I could understand why he was upset.

I simply don’t believe that a victim of domestic abuse would have even thought any of this bullshit, much less said it. You’ve spent the thread basically telling a woman who has been abused at the hands of a partner that she’s somehow brought it on herself and that instead of standing up for herself when she inevitably has to be in contact with him about her DD, she should try to appease him and not ‘provoke’ him.

You weren’t ’too kind’, you’ve been rude and dismissive of the OP and you’ve only skimmed her posts instead of reading them properly because you clearly haven’t understood any of them. And what you haven’t understood you’ve invented to suit your own narrative - which, curiously, seems to be supporting and apologising for abusive, controlling men.

OP’s daughter didn’t want to attend the parents evening. OP agreed they were a waste of time - and wait for it, here’s the crucial bit - that’s because OP is in regular contact with DD’s head of year every couple of weeks, so the parents’ evening wouldn’t have told her anything she didn’t already know. And there is a GCSE choices meeting to which OP has already said she will be going.

Now see if you can wrap your head around the concept that OP isn’t the one who needs to attend the parents evening - her ex is. Because up to this point he’s never been and he hasn’t got the benefit of OP’s regular contact with the school. He’s not going himself but he wants OP to. That’s a control issue - OP is no longer allowing him to control her, so he flew into a rage and verbally abused her.

What concerns me most about your posts is that a victim of domestic abuse would be able to recognise this for what it is - coercive control. The last thing they would do to another victim of domestic abuse is to try to minimise and excuse the behaviour, or try to suggest that OP was ‘provoking’ him - because they would know that these men don’t need provocation. Any contact will likely end in verbal abuse because that’s who he is. Why do you not recognise any of these things ? Why do you advocate for the abuser ?

As DDs parents they will need contact sometimes until she is an adult. Until then OP isn’t really free of his abusive behaviour. She’s not allowing him to control her any longer and he clearly doesn’t like it - hence the abuse. But she doesn’t have to meekly accept it.

You seem new to MN and if you’re going to be a regular contributor you’re going to have to get used to the colourful language. And in the spirit of that, here’s a bit of advice. You’re also going to have to recognise that if you come on to a thread, paint yourself as a victim of DV while demonstrating no understanding of the issues involved - and worse, apologising for abusive controlling pieces of shit, while blaming the victim - you’re going to get your arse handed to you. Every single time.

But you had to Google ND ???????

No, you advised her not to ‘provoke’ him and said you could understand why he was ‘upset’. That’s failing to recognise coercive control and victim blaming. If you’re a victim of DV yourself it’s very concerning that you don’t understand that.

When you have 6 kids they learn to go without and not complain.

I don't see how you can ever fully know she is not holding up a mirror to you, reflecting YOUR opinion because she has learned to go without and not complain.

She will already be a forgotten child because that's what happens with a big family. You can't help it.

I guarantee you, whether either of you admit it, there will be a little part of her feeling that little doubt of neither parent could be bothered. She probably hates it you've both argued over it, even if ex is in the wrong.

Regardless, I would go, just to carve the time to openly celebrate her and take her for a treat on the way home. She might brush it off at the time (still reflecting YOUR opinion) but she won't be able to stop herself also carrying it with her as a positive.

God help us if this labour government gives 16 year olds the vote.

If you are not a 'cowed victim' as you say, why accuse me of victim bashing when I advised you not to respond to his messages?

I am sorry I made a typing error. It was ND not MD. I really must get a new keyboard. I would have done before, but when someone else went to use it they didn't know where the letters were so I kept it for security.

I have a lot of sympathy and understanding for disabled children. I was chairman of the governors of more than one special school.

I googled MD because I wasn't sure what it was. I had an idea, but wanted to be right. I have copied and posted it below:

Neurodivergent (ND) describes individuals with brains that are structured differently due to a natural variation in brain development and function. Neurodivergence includes autistic people and those with ADHD, dyslexia, dyscalculia, developmental language disorder (DLD) and Tourette syndrome.

I am very sorry your daughter has this problem. I can understand why she doesn't want to attend, but I cannot understand why you don't want to.

Op, I've read most of the FT now. In light of his physical and emotional DV, which you had not included in your OP, YABVU.

But not for calling him out. That was NU even if it could be seen as slightly hypocritical (I won't go, but you go if it's important to you, and you're as equally a shitty parent if you do the same as me, ie, refuse to go).

YABU for replying to his query about whether you're attending.

When an ex is abusive, you do well to learn to ignore ignore ignore.

You do not need to offer him the courtesy of a reply like you would do a normal non-abusive person.

He is in an entirely different category of his own. He needs the special treatment of being entirely ignored.

It's none of his business. He's your ex. If he wants to go he can organise it with school. If he doesn't want to go he can shut up and go away. What he can't do is pester you about whether you're going. It's none of his business because he is your ex. It's none of his business because he's not just your ex but he's your extremely abusive ex. You know? The one that is receiving the special treatment of full-on ignore.

So it should go like this:
Abusive ex receiving special ignore treatment: "are you going to school parent evening?"
You:

(Ignoring)

Abusive ex receiving special ignore treatment: " I need to know!"
You:
(Still ignoring, confident that he doesn't need to know, he's just trying to control you)

They eventually learn OP, but they only learn if off you by being ignored.

You shouldn't have to be the one to teach them but it's the only way, other than a non molestation order forbidding all contact.