to tell ex that if parents evening is that important, he can sodding well go?

Christ, the OP did not ask if she was being unreasonable not to go but about her exes behaviour. OP I teach secondary and completely understand and appreciate parents who make a conscious decision not to attend when all is great and there is no real info to pass on. It means I have a little more time with those whose situations are nuanced and I can give plenty of praise during lessons and feedback to the ones who are flying along.
As to your ex, I have v similar. My kids are struggling with ND and EBSA and he has plenty to say about my handling of it but is unprepared to actually dig in, make some changes to his life and be there to actively help. It's utterly infuriating and you can only do as others have suggested and call him out on not going himself. It does not require a vagina to make the appointments 🙄

You are def not being unreasonable @PyongyangKipperbang

I think parents evenings in their current guise are a waste of time for high performing kids too.

Your ex is OOO who does he think he is ordering you about. Good you stood up to him.

I'd probably call the school say her father should be making the appointment this time.

I hate parents evenings. The tables are too close so you can almost strain to hear what is being said at next table. Only slightly outdone by show your parents your school books morning, cue 36 parents trying to cram into a class room, all the while nodding and making thumbs up signs at their kids exercise books. Pointless…

If they are usually once a year, but every term in GCSE year, I’d imagine that’s because the school want to meet every parent at least once in GCSE year. Not because they want to meet the keen ones three times. And you went to the last one so you’re good!

Youngest or eldest, you should treat them all the same.

I was the sixth, parents also had done enough parenting by the time they got to me.

I was “good”, so parents evening was ignored.

I think you are both BU, by not going.

This is not your problem. He can go if he wants, do not engage on this. It is not your problem to manage his appointments or whether he goes to the parents evening, just ignore anything more on it.

I go to my kid's ones which are a similar experience (they do it a bit differently - it's a big hall with the teachers sat around the edge, no appointments, you just join queues for 2 hours to talk to people). I spend a couple of hours, with a coffee, having teachers telling me my son's lovely and doing well, and I go home with a big grin and glowing pride, I can't deny it. I use it to lift me up a bit because a lot of being a single mum is otherwise a bit shit.

And to show my face so the teachers know that I am engaged (DS doesn't really like me talking to his school otherwise! So if I don't go, I don't find out anything at all)

But if you and your daughter have decided you don't need to go, if she's doing well, and you have plenty of other contact with the school, and it's not even her GCSE years yet, then there is no reason you can't skip it! Enjoy your evening instead.

"Okay ex, I'm a shitty parent for not going. So are you going instead or are you admitting to being a shitty parent too?"

I know you've already dealt with him but my god the hypocrisy makes my blood boil.

we have five children.my husband has never been to our kids parents evenings.all of our do really well at school.to me it important to go,disappointed my husband doesn’t go,but even more-so important to go.my parents never went to any of mine.even though my kids do well they like to know i am going.

But what if the daughter genuinely doesn’t want to go? This is a GCSE options evening, which she has already chosen.

OP keep the time slot but do something of your dd’s choosing. So she still gets your time, but you will both have a better evening.

Parents evening =/= mothers evening!

You are absolutely reasonable! I’d only reply passive agressive deflections ‘it’s a shame you don’t care enough about dd to go to a single parents evening ever. I wish you realised she’s such a lovely girl and very talented. Her teachers will tell you that if you can ever be bothered to go.’
’I agree parents nights are important and you really should go to one. Gcse choice year seems a perfect time to show you care and go to your first parents night.’

‘it’s ok I’ve told dd you refuse to go, in case you were worried about telling her yourself’

Good on you for telling him straight. What a hypocrite he is. As long as your daughter is fine with you not going then great!

He doesn’t think it’s important- but he thinks it’s OK to dictate how you spend your time, and to use your non-compliance to verbally abuse you.

Don’t go to this one, just to let him know you won’t be bullied by him.

Someone should go. It should be taken in turns, but if he's unreliable then unfortunately you have to go.

If the evening is all compliments for your DD the enjoy that and make it a positive for you both. But attending each time means if anything changes you'll still be in the habit of going.

My two are very academic and it was always the same in the latter years, a sales pitch for their subject. But I wouldn’t not go, it’s an hour out of your life. One of you should go.

Three parents evenings a year is a lot. With dd’s schools it has only even been 1 and 2 in GCSE year. I imagine that will now be replicated for A level. I actually think 2 every year would have been beneficial for my dd. I’m not generally in contact much with the school regarding academics, it is more her other needs.

You shouldn’t have told him at the point you decided not to go so that he had the opportunity to arrange it himself instead.

I do find your attitude of well I have 6 kids and she’s doing well a bit rough. I get it but it’s important you don’t give her less attention as she is doing well and make her feel unimportant.

I’m the youngest of 5and my parents had also checked out of school stuff by the time I did GCSEs and didn’t come to my parents evenings/awards nights etc - in all honesty it was quite painful for me although I’d pretend it was fine (like your daughter I was also doing very well) and I’m still feeling the repercussions now years later (low self esteem being a massive one) one of you should def go - if he can’t be trusted to make an appt then it should be you.

It’s one evening and that’s what I used to struggle with, that one of them couldn’t carve out 2 hours for me and I guess processed that as ‘I’m not worth 2 hours’ a really shitty feeling.

it took meeting my partner and having kids to build up my self worth again. Not saying this will happen to your daughter at all but just to give you a different perspective.

What a massive hypocrite! If there’s nothing you need to discuss re subjects I don’t blame you. It’s the parents that never go that are a concern.

That would enrage me too. Would you text to say, 'what time are you picking up dd?' or a super helpful, 'You will need to book those appointments quick or the best times slots will be gone.'
At least he is your ex. He can't have it both ways. He states(opinion) that not going is proof of being a bad parent, then is he too thick to grasp what that makes him?
There is a reason he is an ex. Very few more years until you have the option of never speaking to him again.

I voted YABU only because, after single-handedly managing all the meetings and decisions all these years, why encourage him to weigh in now with an opinion? You run the risk of him insisting on input in decisions you’ve heretofore made on your own.

I feel for you, been there, done that. Just be careful of suddenly finding all your informed decision-making being challenged when Newly Interested Dad wants a say. So it’s a very mild and friendly YABU.

We were assiduous attenders of parents evenings but tbh if you know your kid is doing fine and you've nothing you want to discuss then it's probably a bit of a waste of everyone's time - some families need more than the allotted few minutes and they always end up running late. It's not a holy rite.

I'd not engage or respond to him at all, only communicate when he is civil and polite and only if you absolutely must. What's the point in responding?

Any form of rudeness, aggression, belittling or blaming would be completely ignored or your showing he still has power of you.

As for not attending her parents evening I think unless your unwell, working or caring for someone then it's lazy not just not go, regardless if you have 6 or 26 kids,

YANBU

I'd have replied: "It's called parents evening Graham, not mothers evening, and yet you've never been to a single one of them. Dad of the year."

Ah, the classic game of passing the baton. But here's the truth: if he wants to play the concerned parent role now, he can step up or stop complaining from the sidelines. You've been doing the heavy lifting all along, and if he suddenly has opinions on what’s "important," then let him prove it. The only thing you're guilty of is expecting him to actually follow through on what he preaches. If he wants a seat at the table, he can bloody well take one otherwise, silence speaks louder than any tantrum he throws.

Agree they are pointless. My DC didn't have them at all in 6th form ..