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Original poster

To think if he won’t commit after almost 2 years he never will?

43 replies

Carswell · 04/03/2025 22:20

We’re early 30s and he is two years younger than me. The relationship has been a happy one but I’ve had a creeping feeling that he isn’t committed in a forever kind of way. No real reason why because he does talk about kids and us in the future, decades from now.

Outwardly his actions are loving and kind consistently. He makes a big effort with my family who loves him etc. He’s an excellent partner in the sense of right now.

But he is not keen to discuss the future, getting married or having children. I am starting to worry I’m the placeholder while he waits for someone else. Would this reluctance to discuss our future plans worry you at two years in?

OP posts:
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Original poster
Carswell · 07/03/2025 19:10

Ariela · 07/03/2025 18:26

@Carswell what is YOUR ideal timeline? How do you see this panning out?

I think ideally moving in together properly by Jan next year, maybe a trial period of 2 months or so later this year first. I own my home so if I did move to his (more likely because my work is more flexible) it would be a good way to test the waters before I rent out my place and make the move.

then start trying for kids in the next 2 years. My gran had her kids in her 40s but I don’t think that’s something I can rely on. I wouldn’t want to push it too late.

OP posts:
Ariela · 07/03/2025 18:26

@Carswell what is YOUR ideal timeline? How do you see this panning out?

Original poster
Carswell · 07/03/2025 17:58

I really love him though. More than any person I’ve been with, so it isn’t easy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Carswell · 07/03/2025 17:57

ViciousCurrentBun · 06/03/2025 09:17

@Carswell how are you doing having had others give opinions. There are threads like this all the time on MN but your posts have resonated and I do hope your head is coming to terms with some possibly very hard decisions.

He said he wants to talk about it to come up with a timeline in two weeks so I think I need to give him time to process what I said and hear him out first.

But I have felt different since this conversation. I can feel myself pulling away and being more distant because I feel rejected.

@PullTheBricksDown he has talked about wanting children and he has raised it more than me. Also about getting a house together. These were all green signals to me, so his response surprised me.

OP posts:
JHound · 06/03/2025 22:03

Mielikki · 06/03/2025 09:16

"I am starting to worry I’m the placeholder while he waits for someone else. "

I'm not sure why you would think this? He wants you - he just doesn't want marriage and children. Lots of men (and increasingly women) are like this: they want to spend the rest of their life with someone in a monogamous relationship, but they don't want a traditional marriage and they don't want children.

So she needs to leave then.

BadSkiingMum · 06/03/2025 09:33

I would either tell him that you would like to plan together for a winter wedding at the end of 2025 and getting pregnant in 2026.

Or, just withdraw and start making plans for a different future.

His reaction to either of those situations will be your answer.

My only warning would be that the man who ‘comes around’ to marriage may still have underlying doubts that bubble up again at a much later date. Post marriage and children that unleashes a whole different world of pain.

PullTheBricksDown · 06/03/2025 09:22

Has there been no talk of anything that would move you closer to these things? I take it you don't live together - has it ever been discussed other than in those vague future terms? Has he ever talked about wanting children?

ViciousCurrentBun · 06/03/2025 09:17

@Carswell how are you doing having had others give opinions. There are threads like this all the time on MN but your posts have resonated and I do hope your head is coming to terms with some possibly very hard decisions.

Mielikki · 06/03/2025 09:16

"I am starting to worry I’m the placeholder while he waits for someone else. "

I'm not sure why you would think this? He wants you - he just doesn't want marriage and children. Lots of men (and increasingly women) are like this: they want to spend the rest of their life with someone in a monogamous relationship, but they don't want a traditional marriage and they don't want children.

CanOfMangoTango · 06/03/2025 09:12

Agree with PP

He needs to shit or get off the pot.

I met and married my husband in 3 years. By 18 months it was clear that was where we were headed, got engaged 2 years in. Most happy couples follow a similar or shorter timeline.

On the other hand I know a number of men with LT partners who evaded any talk of marriage until the subject was pushed, they broke up and within a year they'd had a baby with someone else and sent wedding invitations. Very very hard for their ex partners but they were all young enough to move on and have a family with someone else.

You don't have that luxury. It's go or no time.

Qwee · 06/03/2025 09:08

OP, after two years you know.
He doesn't even want to talk about it.
Not the actions of a man in love.

Actions not words are what count and his actions are, you are ok for now.

Time to move on.
I'm sorry, but don't be used.

Pinkdreams · 06/03/2025 09:05

I agree, look at the men who are with a woman 10 years never proposed, next woman they're engaged within a month. If he wanted to he would, get out now

Valeriekat · 06/03/2025 09:03

Yes don't mess about, it is now or never!

AmusedGoose · 05/03/2025 07:59

My DH was like this. He was 4 years younger than me and didn't understand that I didn't have forever to have a baby. Eventually I did what you should never do and gave him an ultimatum- if I'm the ONE you must know after 4 years and if not let's not waste any more time. Took about 2 months but he came round and we bought a house together, got married and had a baby in the next 2 years. That was 25 years ago and we are happy, financially comfortable and retired early so I think it was the right choice for us both in the end.

healthybychristmas · 05/03/2025 05:22

Honestly, I would move on and find someone else. He needs to know that you have options.

RickiRaccoon · 05/03/2025 03:25

Sorry. If he can't talk about commitment at age 31, I don't think he's interested in it with you. If you're definitely set on marriage/ house/ kids, I'd move on and find someone who is as well.

Northernstar01 · 05/03/2025 02:28

I’ve been in your shoes. And for years I thought I was in an happy relationship. But every serious conversation about moving the relationship forward (living together, children, marriage, finances) came from me. He always panicked, resisted but sometimes actually eventually agreed. Ten years later and a beautiful child together, I ended things. All the things I ‘wanted’ from a relationship were perfectly natural but I was trying to get them from an emotionally stunted man who was never going to just naturally lean in. It got too exhausting to continue

Franjipanl8r · 05/03/2025 01:41

My ex was never quite ready for kids and strung me along for years. Funnily enough as soon as we broke up he met someone else and they had kids very quickly. If you’re the one he’ll be talking about the future if you want to talk about it, not shutting you down sorry.

Original poster
Carswell · 05/03/2025 01:23

I recently turned 33. He is 31, 32 soon.

OP posts:
ViciousCurrentBun · 05/03/2025 01:19

You say early thirties, is that just 31/32.

Genetic issues such as a higher risk of autism are linked to older fathers, a lot of ongoing research is looking in to other possible factors though.

Original poster
Carswell · 05/03/2025 01:12

@ViciousCurrentBun i actually feel envious of men who can put it off for years when we women don’t have that luxury.

Because he seems so committed and loving day to day, it was a bit of a shock to find he didn’t want to talk about it yet. I was and am hurt by it.

The issue is I feel like he’s the one for me (first time ever feeling that way despite other LTRs) and it took years of dating to find him.

OP posts:
ViciousCurrentBun · 05/03/2025 01:04

With every year it does get a little harder. Plus if it isn’t going to happen and your suddenly late thirties harder still to find an ok bloke.

Get him to have the conversation and if you are not ok with the outcome then it’s over. I was 31 when I started dating DH we were married within 18 months and had DS a year later. Would have preferred to have had longer just dating but didn’t see the point in waiting as fertility does decline and that’s the bottom line. For every I had babies at 40 plus there are many who sadly didn’t manage it.

You sure know when they are keen to settle as there is no ambiguity.

WearyAuldWumman · 05/03/2025 00:56

My uni boyfriend and I had been dating for more than 3 yrs by the time I was 25. I knew that there was no future when he said that his dream for us was for us each to have our own flat in the same city...

At work one day, a colleague referred to my BF as my 'fiancé'. I corrected him.

'How long have you been going out? Three years? And he's not proposed? What's wrong with him?'

I married my colleague.

JHound · 05/03/2025 00:53

Darkmorningsarethepits · 04/03/2025 23:26

I’m always really disturbed by women on here who are determined to get a full on commitment seemingly early in a relationship.

BUT there are definite red flags for me here.

It would be fine for him to say, ‘I see you as a long term partner and could definitely see us married with children but I’m enjoying our time building a life together so don’t want to rush it but that’s the direction it’s going in’

Or he could say he isn’t sure if it will be long term (it might be) but he would like to carry on seeing where it’s going but understands if definite commitment is a necessary factor for you at two years in then he would have to be honest he can’t give it.

Panicking, avoiding, refusing to discuss it are all problematic. And coupled with lots of charm and contentment at the status quo suggest either a man who is never going to feel comfortable with commitment but doesn’t want out or one who knows it isn’t forever but is very happy with it for now and so wants to keep you in place.

30s feels early but if you want a family it’s not unreasonable to ask him to clarify where his head is. The tough part is following through and leaving if he’s flakey or not on the same page.

This has happened to two friends of mine. They both gave a deadline after seemingly very happy relationships where the man wouldn’t commit or even discuss the future at about three years in although claimed not to want to split.
In both cases nothing changed and both women left. Both distraught and late 30s. Both men then met someone else and married within a year. Make of that what you will.

I have seen this happen so many times. With acquaintances and friends. And in all cases when the man meets the woman he actually wants - he moves quickly.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/03/2025 00:51

@Carswell

You're early 30s, if I were you the first thing I'd want to figure out would be my own 'timeframe'? Because once you know that, you'll know whether or not his refusal to commit 'right now' is something you need to worry about now. If you want marriage and children before, say 35, then you need to have a shit or get off the pot discussion with him and be prepared to cut him loose. But if your timeframe is age 40, maybe you can wait a year or so and see if he commits.

I had a serious and frank discussion with DH very early on in our relationship because I was getting close to the age where I wanted to be 'settled down'. I basically told him I wanted marriage and children (not specifically with him, just that that was how I saw my future) and if he wasn't interested in those things he needed to tell me now so I didn't waste my (and his) time. Obviously he gave the 'correct' answers and we've been married over 35 years.