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Original poster

To not want people to feel sorry for my children

140 replies

cadburyegg · 04/03/2025 21:21

A few months ago my friend was telling me of a situation where her husband went away for work for a few days. Her child was upset with daddy being away. My friend told her "well at least daddy is here with us most of the time - cadburyegg's children's dad don't live with them. So we are really lucky." She happily told me about this conversation.

Last weekend I went to a different friend's house, and she told me "I feel so sorry for your children, because they don't have a reliable father figure".

I feel like something has died in me. I am sick of this attitude. Being a single mum is really hard but I don't want people saying this to me. I just want to move on and live my best life but I feel like I'm being held back. It's fair enough if someone feels for my kids or thinks they're unlucky but why do they have to say it TO MY FACE?

I'm not a victim and I don't want my children to grow up with a "poor me" attitude because their dad no longer lives here. They don't want for anything. I have a lot of guilt for picking the wrong father for my kids but I am trying to work on myself and my self esteem. These comments are not helpful for this. I am sick of it. The double takes when I say I'm divorced. The sad faces and head tilts.

AIBU to ask how to deal with this?

OP posts:
StrawberryLane · 04/03/2025 21:44

gerispringer · 04/03/2025 21:37

But the kids might be sad. I remember my niece saying to my son( her cousin) - “ You’re lucky - you have a daddy at home and I don’t”. Of course I chimed in with “lots of people don’t have their daddy at home”, but I could see she was unhappy about it.

Doesn't make it OK for these women to make tactless /upsetting comments does it.

StrawberryLane · 04/03/2025 21:42

Your friends are tactless. I've noticed that women with lots of friends are tactful and tactless ones lose friends rapidly.

LaineyCee · 04/03/2025 21:39

Aren’t your kids fortunate to have more time with their mum because her attention isn’t divided between them and a husband?

Isn’t it great that within their own family they have a role model, who shows them that women can have jobs, homes and children without a man? That women can be truly independent and that they never need to settle?

Do your married friends feel that their kids are worse off than kids raised in poly relationships/communes, where children have numerous “parents?” I suspect not.

Dreamerinme · 04/03/2025 21:39

You need new friends. What a pair of nasty, thoughtless women.

gerispringer · 04/03/2025 21:37

But the kids might be sad. I remember my niece saying to my son( her cousin) - “ You’re lucky - you have a daddy at home and I don’t”. Of course I chimed in with “lots of people don’t have their daddy at home”, but I could see she was unhappy about it.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 04/03/2025 21:37

serene8 · 04/03/2025 21:33

I'd be extremely offended by this too. Such comments lack empathy ... I don't know why someone would say this? To make themselves feel better?

This, their lives are probably shit but its 'oh well at least I'm not a single mum'.

I suspect my neighbour has this attitude towards my dd. On one of their dc's birthdays, he made a point of telling me about his dad, was weird. I just brushed it off tbh, but this is how people are now. Disgusting

Sid077 · 04/03/2025 21:36

what nasty bitches. You don’t have to spend time with them, make the right choice for you, if you do decide to spend time with them remind them you are not interested in their nasty opinions on your life and find it hard to believe they spoke to their children about yours in those terms. Gobsmacked that any adult would say this stuff out loud.

AFairDistance · 04/03/2025 21:35

I’d be reconsidering who my friends are. And I suspect there’s some likely self-delusion going on, too. ‘My Nigel may be feckless, alcoholic, chronically unfaithful and addicted to gaming, but at least he lives with us…’

CheckoutChump · 04/03/2025 21:34

Eastie77Returns · 04/03/2025 21:29

Your ‘friends’ sound awful.

This.

serene8 · 04/03/2025 21:33

I'd be extremely offended by this too. Such comments lack empathy ... I don't know why someone would say this? To make themselves feel better?

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 04/03/2025 21:32

I mean this in all seriousness

CUT THEM OFF

I'd be fucking pissed off by that. And it's a popular attitude. Single mums are the new punching bags now.

It's perfectly acceptable to have a different family type but these bellends with their Instagram families love to shame everyone else

It's just me and dd and I'm not a fucking victim, I'm a very proud mum.

We're regressing as a society honestly

Penguinmouse · 04/03/2025 21:31

What were the circumstances of your divorce? In response to someone saying they don’t have a reliable father figure, perhaps a response is “you’re right, they don’t have a reliable father figure, that’s why we’re divorced!” I think have some stock responses will help. People are quite ignorant - nobody goes into a relationship wanting it to end but a lot of the time, it is better for the couple and for the children.

mbosnz · 04/03/2025 21:30

I think they're incredibly bloody rude. Your children have a loving, committed, engaged mother. A lot of children don't have that. It is a blessing that is a pearl beyond price.

Eastie77Returns · 04/03/2025 21:29

Your ‘friends’ sound awful.

RedHelenB · 04/03/2025 21:27

In some ways, they're right. All you can say is that families come in all shapes and sizes and what matters is that they have people to love them, no matter who.