To not want people to feel sorry for my children

God they sounds like c-nts. Horrible attitude! I am married (100 years roughly - feel like it! LOL kidding or am I😄) and I have NEVER pitied a single mum! Admired them yep, but pitied them because they don't have a bloke. LOL fucking hell. As if!!!😆 If I said that to ANY of my single mum friends/single friends, they'd laugh at me, or tell me to fuck off, then start giving me a wide berth for being a c-nt to them.

As pps have said, start seeing less of these 'friends!'

Don't worry.. another few years and more of the fu*kers will be divorced and they'll stop saying this pitiful stuff.
Work on yourself and revel in the simplicity of a home without a man and his BS and the work he creates (and I say this as a largely happily married woman). Single motherdom can be fantastic fun (and I had a few years of it) and really cosy for you and your kid. Lean in and enjoy it

Her child was upset with daddy being away. My friend told her "well at least daddy is here with us most of the time - cadburyegg's children's dad don't live with them. So we are really lucky."

Her telling you she said this is really bitchy.

But her saying it to her child is also awful - that's the kind of thing children repeat "my mummy says I'm lucky because my dad lives with us and yours doesn't"

It’s very offensive and agree it’s rude!!
However.. people who aren’t divorced will definitely have never thought about it from your POV. They’ll simply think it’s a less desirable family set up and not think further than that and it is a bit ignorant of them. If this is good friends saying this to you I think cutting them off is fine!!!!

@YourFairCyanReader This. I was definitely NOT sorry I got divorced. I in fact framed my decree nisi! 😆
I also get confused looks when I'm asked my title now I'm (re)married -.nope, not a Mrs. Not Ms HisName either!

The epitome of nastiness your friends are. Awful people, not friends. How is it helpful? What does it achieve? They are just plain nasty. Also, they are tempting fate by saying things like that - who says their 'reliable father figures' 'at least living with them' will not be run over by a bus tomorrow, or won't leave them for his mistress? Who can guarantee it for them? They should guard their wicked tongues. And you should drop them!!!!!

Not the same but had so much judgement for being divorced.

Them ...something "your husband"
Me: I don't have a husband, I'm divorced
Them: Oh I'm so sorry
Me: Why?

'Very true! And my children are lucky to have a Mum with some emotional intelligence and social skills!'

Your judgemental friends would dislike me even more - my sons live with their dad the majority and have done for a number of years now! What would they think of me as a mother? And tbh I couldn't care less because they don't know my story!! Judge away...

What an asshole! Tbh I think more people do think like this but not everyone vocalises it.

They sound like arses to be honest.

Your friend sounds like a tit saying that to you.

How rude! I may be biased since I'm part way through a divorce, but far better that DD lives in 2 happy homes than both of us together.
Can you come up with stock responses that make it just as personal, head tilt back at them, better me & the kids than (insert their husband's most annoying trait here), tinkly laugh.
Yes, I chose who to have children with STBX but he changed dramatically when we did. That's why DD is an only. Please don't pity us for living our best lives.

The happiest time of my childhood was when it was just me, my mum and my siblings with no man in the house drinking, shouting and doing all of that horrible stuff men so often do. Your children have a calm and loving home and that means everything.

Time to change friends.

I would feel sad and uncomfortable too if people that I thought of as friends said that to me. I would question the depth of those friendships and if they are valuable to me, I would tell them how I feel about what they said. If the friendship is worth anything they will be very sorry for being thoughtless with their words and say sorry. If they’re not sorry for hurting your feelings, I would seriously consider distancing myself from the them. Have you known these friends very long? Are they friends you’ve made since you became a parent or are they friends from pre parent days? You didn’t choose the wrong father at all. You chose the right father to produce your beautiful children with! You have moved on and it’s a very brave thing to do. Maybe it’s time to be brave once more and move on from those friends. They were useful for support maybe while you were going through your divorce however now you’re out the other side, you’re a new you! It’s probably the right time for you to start making new healthier friendships now. You have a new bright future to look forward to and the opportunity to find someone new to share your life with when you feel ready. Your friends should watch themselves for being smug, divorce is very common and not unusual. It takes a lot of courage to step away from an unhealthy marriage and build yourself back up. I think you will find your next step to increasing your self esteem will be to detach yourself from them. Xx

Christ. Well with friends like that, who needs enemies?

Could you go with the old Mumsnet favourite "did you mean to be so rude?" Sorry I know it's not very original, but it's probably marginally better than "fuck off" (which was going to be my next suggestion 😈)!

A more polite version... "well, my kids absolutely don't need any sympathy, they're happy and they have a great mum who loves them to bits."

How rude of them!

Children needs love, care, encouragement and security. I really don't think it matters who provides it but more than it is

I would be more concerned by the fact their kids are being raised by someone with limited emotional intelligence and a lack of tact and with a limited view of the world.

Thats infuriating! If it’s any consolation I would be much more drawn to you as a strong single parent, than the smug marrieds gang. I’m not a single parent but we have an unconventional family/set up. You find your tribe and they often have more depth. Definitely avoid these toxic ‘friends’ !!

People think they have the right to be outrageously rude to single mums. I've had people ask me straight out if I did it for a council house (never lived in one), had I considered an abortion, was I working in a traditionally male job to try and meet a man ASAP. They have suggested there's no point in striving to do anything nice because people won't expect it of "someone like you". The same people usually think single dads are heroes because they have to do school runs and get in from work and wash the kids' uniforms.

God, I can remember this shit when I got divorced and had three primary aged children and a bellend ex husband. The head tilts, the sad half smiles, the ‘but how are the kids really doing?’ after they had tried to find out what was happening and I refused to give them any information or break down in a wailing heap in the middle of the playground. Used to drive me insane! It does get easier with time but it is fucking annoying!

I don't know is this massively unhelpful, but you didn't choose your kids father... you chose your coparent. Those kids wouldn't exist without him, they'd be different kids. So feel sorry for yourself but there's no point being guilty on their behalf because they only exist with him, for them it's him or nothing.

edited to add- regardless, your friends are horrific. I can't imagine being so obnoxious that you'd use other children's feelings and emotions (imagined or otherwise) as a teaching moment for your own kids.

AIBU to ask how to deal with this?

Of course you are not being unreasonable to ask.

In my years as a lone parent I've never had anyone say such a thing to me so I think you need different friends.

When it has come up, I say that their Dad is an arse and that they (and I) are fortunate to have good male role models. It was bittersweet when DS around aged 9 or 10 put his football coach/manager down as one of his favourite people in some school thing. The manager was really touched when I told him how he was impacting DS's life.

Sounds like you know some strange, rude people.

I think you need to lose the 'friends' as well as the ex husband OP. What a bunch of condescending pricks! Hold your head up high, you had the strength to walk away, they probably don't. You should be so proud of yourself, don't let them make you feel small. You are strong and powerful.