To not want people to feel sorry for my children

It is pretty awful to be giving your all to your children and then to be undermined in this way. There is still a stigma about being a single parent family whatever the circumstances; I wouldn’t want their pity either.

I wouldn't be happy with people saying stuff like that to me either. How bloody rude! I'd be rethinking my friendship with these people. Let's hope their relationships never break down eh?

My friend used to get the sympathetic looks and pointed comments (her parents had split up when she was quite young). I always remember her turning round and saying (in her very posh Edinburgh accent) " yes, but Mummy always say it's better having one fantastic parent than two crappy idiots" and walking away.
I thought she was amazing. Her Mum was too.

How are they right?

The West children had a reliable father figure, does that mean they had a happier childhood because their dad Fred was around?

How is the friend right to point out to her child that OP's children don't live with their father, so it could be worse?

How are either of these women right?

Please get new friends OP and don't be afraid to tell them why. Disgusing "smugmarrieds". I suspect their men aren't as angelic as they think they are.

Your children have YOU and that's what matters.

I gave up on meeting a group of mum friends when my exH went off with OW and their initial support evolved to, 'poor you' and, 'of course my DH wouldn't do it to me' (meaning 'I'm better than you).
These women likewise aren't being your friend, they are using you and your situation to highlight that they are better.
Let them take their arrogance and shove it up their...

I cannot believe the insensitivity of your ‘friends’. How thoughtless and hurtful can someone be? In your shoes I’d have been dreadfully hurt at the unutterable smugness of these people. People like these are best avoided, they’ve shown you how they really feel.

I’m not a single parent, but I’ve seen enough of it to understand how hard it is, all credit to you, try and disregard this ignorance.

Tell them to do one.

Your children are blessed to have a kind, attentive mum who will protect and love them unconditionally. Yes, your children will grow up with feelings about their father as it affects your sense of identity, but they will also remember your love and the memories and happiness you gave them. It's sad for anyone to not have contact with or have a loving parent figure, but your friends shouldn't be commenting on this. That's for your kids to explore themselves one day, if they want to.

I'd be ticked off too, OP. You don't want, nor do you need, pity. Nor do your kids, if they're loved, happy and healthy. They've got you, and it sounds like you're a strong caring mum. Families come in so many different forms and it's ridiculous of people to suggest that your children are lacking just because they don't have their dad around. Some of my most successful friends had a single parent childhood and a v close relationship with their mum - they don't feel they've missed out because their mums were present. My eldest is a happy and healthy young man with his own home in his early 20s. He had no support from his dad (particularly financially) his entire life. We're incredibly close and he's a v well balanced young man. Ignore them.

Did you inform your friends that your kid's father is unreliable?
Is he unreliable?
Why would they assume these things?
Spend more time with the friends who don't offend you.

As a friend, showing genuine concerns for your children would be absolutely fine, especially if they could see you/them struggling in some way.

Using your children as an example to calm hers though, is a bitch move. She needs to focus more energy on getting her husband to be more present for his children than using yours to try and pacify hers. I'd have a few truths for her too.

What strange things to say, especially for you to hear. I think I'm fortunate that I have a partner to share the load a bit and offer some companionship, but I also know that sometimes children are better off without a terrible father in their lives and with a single mother. As someone else said, families come in all shapes and sizes.

How rude of them. Really thoughtless or spiteful. Who says stuff like that.
Tbh you are the lucky one, no man to annoy you and moan about stuff. Free to run your house without compromise.

You are probably a better parent on your own than the two of them and their husbands put together! I don't know why single mums are always thought badly of when they're the parent who stuck around!

I do think you need new friends!

I need to say this again - you need new friends. They are thick and ignorant.

Nobody needs to feel sorry for anybody because their father does not share a home with them. I presume there is good reason for that. For the friends I have who are no longer with their kids father if I felt anything I would feel happy for the children to not have to deal with a trash man in the house - or happy that their parents moved on to healthier partnerships setting a better example.

You need new friends.

Or next time play dumb and say “why do you feel sorry for them?” “Do you think poor quality relationships are better for kids? Weird”.

The fact you keep getting sad faces at being divorced…is it the 1930s where you live?!

Yanbu, I remember one time a friend told me her kid had been upset that she only sees her dad a few times a year because he lives aboard (as well as lots of phone/Skype calls) and she'd used my daughter as an example of someone who also has an "absent" father, except my daughters father had badly abused us all and was in prison, never to be seen or spoken to again by my daughter. She couldn't see the difference between her daughters situation and mine, I was really quite upset by it.

I’d be offended by those comments and wouldn’t let them slide. There are so many families with parents who are in very unhealthy relationships, damaging their children far more than single parents. E.g. it’s crazy how many couples turn a blind eye to repeated infidelity rather than separate. I agree that you need a few stock responses to use in the future. I’d suggest something along the lines of ‘were you trying to insult me and my children because that’s how you’ve made me feel’.

You need new friends.

Seriously you need new friends.

It’s a fucked up thing to say.

Id pull them up on it.

Make your point by doing it right back.
Say that you feel so sorry for their children because of something. And you were telling yours how lucky they were compared to their children.

Wow, that’s patronising. I think I’d have to say something even if it was just to tell them that they don’t need to feel sorry, you and your kids are doing just fine.

@ThisFluentBiscuit Or...they're very lucky to have a mummy that didn't just stay with daddy for the money/lifestyle 😆

Say brightly, "My children are very lucky that their security isn't dependent on Mummy continuing to put out for Daddy no matter how awful he is, and that they don't have a grumpy dad making the household a misery! We are so lucky to live in peace and on our own terms."

Sex and a man throwing his weight around like King Kong are the bugbears of many, many a marriage. I'm sure you'll hit a few targets square between the eyes if you go with this. 🤭

I agree with this - DD longed for the nuclear family that most of her friends had and even now aged 20 does resent the fact that she didn’t have a proper father figure. As a single mum I did my best and gave her wonderful opportunities I could only have dreamed of as a child but really there’s only so much you can do. Yes, her upbringing was imperfect, I don’t feel sorry for her but I do wish that things would’ve worked out with her father.

What everyone said

Very thoughtless comments

Yes, that is rude. Unfortunately, it probably won't be the last time that people think that it is totally fine to say things like that or just unleash a barrage of personal questions. Questions/comments I've been asked:

Were you in a proper relationship or were you just f*ck buddies? (Erm... none of your business)
Do your children have the same dad? (None of your business)
So... what's the deal here? (Erm, none of your business)
Do your children have any sort of... "good" male role models? (Do you? I mean... none of your business)
I imagine this isn't the life you'd want for them is it? (Is this what you pictured for yours?!)

I had one conversation that was so rude I actually had to walk away. Why people think they have the right to query or comment on anyone else's life, let alone dole out pity for how someone else is living!

Maybe try: "Yeah, thanks for your concern, but I wouldn't swap places with you if you paid me!"