To not want people to feel sorry for my children

People with pity I used to steer clear when ds was younger. You don't need these twats.

Do they have a grandad or uncle that takes the male role in their lives? Just say that. And that they are really loved and kept in a comfy and nurishing home.
It hurts, but it is true. It is more desirable to have two loving and devoted parents. Now, there are many life circumstances that makes this impossible: abuse, separation, divorce, death....
Do not let it bring you fown OP. You are not alone in this predicament.

It’s difficult because in an ideal world every child would grow up with a loving mother and a loving father. Of course the world isn’t ideal and there are many types of family, but having both loving parents (who are positive role models) on the scene would probably be what most parents would want for their child.

I know two single mothers where the dads are arseholes and who have had nothing to do with the children since they were born and in those scenarios the children are FAR better off not having those particular men in their lives, but I still feel sorry for them having to grow up without a father.

I also know a dad raising three children on his own and I feel sorry for those children having to grow up without a mother.

I do think that if the parents are loving, attentive and they are positive people to be in the child’s life, then to be without one of them means the child is missing a fundamental relationship from their lives.

If one of the parents is a waste of space then I don’t think the child is missing out in any way by not having the chance to have a relationship with that specific parent, they are probably much better without that person in their life, but they are still having to grow up without a positive mother or father relationship and that’s what I feel sad about.

However, I would NEVER say this to anyone who was a single parent, especially not to my friends!!!!

Fuck em. I really can't abide a lack of tact and empathy in adults (I know slip ups happen but this was glaring, it didn't need saying at all). Just really awful manners .

Apologies if my post doesn't make sense! What I was trying to say, obviously badly, is that the single parent reason often isn't the only reason and very often is linked to the broken system you describe @HeyDrake and that some children will do better if their parents don't live together.

@Hall84 sorry re-read and I know what you meant, not disagreeing.

@Hall84 would you feel comfortable voicing those same views about black children? Because statistically speaking, the poor outcomes are of a similar level for children of single parent families and black children. But we know that the reason why black children end up not achieving the same success as white children is racism, both institutional and the impact of racism on self esteem, ambition, health, sense of safety etc. Yet with single parent families, we blame the mother?
We don't say to black families, 'if you could just be white then your child could achieve more', so why do we say to single parents 'you know your child would do better if you were still with their father'. It's messed up!

Let's sort out the systemic issues which explain why the children of single parents have poorer outcomes such as maternal poverty, lack of flexible jobs, draconian benefits that don't incentivise hard work or bettering yourself (I lost my UC when I went back to university as a single parent), better and more readily available childcare, rather than blaming parents.

Their attitude just seems really outdated and ill-informed. Daft thing to say as well, because how do they know how their own marriages or those of their children will pan out? Is it the right message to send?
Were you not tempted to be like ‘are you okay? Cos you just said that shit out loud.’

We can all only play the hand we’re dealt, right?

When I was small I used to wish my mum hadn’t married my dad. And then I sussed babies didn’t arrive via stork like in Dumbo simply because their parents got hitched. So my Mum being my mum but another Dad would mean I wouldn’t exist. Sometimes that seemed preferable to life at home, I genuinely would have ticked the ‘not here’ option.

My mum fell out with my sister quite badly when she was about 13/14 (for saying the quiet part out loud) and their mother/daughter relationship never really recovered. Before our mum died she said some stuff she’d never said before. We didn’t really know what to say in response. It was way too late for us to confirm her fears.

Sometimes it’s the brave and decent thing to say ‘enough.’ Don’t know why people in 2025 still think any father in the house is preferable to none. Your ex is responsible for his own actions, not you. And real friends think before they speak.

X

Let's be clear, some children of single parent households have worse outcomes. In the same way as some children in 2 parent households have worse outcomes. Given the divorce stats these days the single parent reason is likely to be one of many other socio-economic factors. Some may grow up in lower income households, perhaps because Mum is the one that stuck around on a lower wage that fits round school whilst Dad is busy hiding his self-employed earnings from CMS. But that will not be true for all. Many will have much more secure childhoods in stable, calm homes, where they aren't tiptoeing around arguing/grumpy parents. I would far rather DD grows up knowing the value of a kind/loving/equal relationship and that it's OK to walk away if that's not what's on the table. For what it's worth, she does well at school, is happy and well adjusted with the circumstances. Her lifestyle has not changed. She still does her hobbies, days out haven't changed. Yes, our car and house are slightly smaller but (1) there's 2 not 3 of us and (2) they are filled with love. I am a better parent now that I'm not living with her Dad.
As per PP 'better to have 1 fantastic parent than 2 crappy idiots!' (I will be stealing that phrase!)

It's very hard to say what the impact of your family dynamics and your 'friend's' family dynamics will have on your respective children. I grew up with no father figure, I remember going to friend's houses and we would have to tiptoe around grumpy dads, or they would be sleeping and we couldn't make any noise or they would drive me home and not talk to me at all and I would think 'thank god I don't have to deal with a dad!' My life was like Matilda's at the end of the film where her and Ms Honey dance, and play, and feel utterly at peace in their home.
I endeavour to give my kids the same but I'm a single parent who co- parents with their dad and the dynamics are different. They have to adapt to two houses, two sets of rules, lots of transitions and again, the tiptoeing around grumpy and sensitive menfolk which my friends at school had to.

I don't think not having a dad affects you, it's consistency, happiness and unconditional love which makes your childhood happy.

These are NOT friends. Friends support, they don’t try and make you feel diminished.

There is an unpleasant woman in my village who has told people on social media that my children are not allowed any fun…because one has major physical disabilities, needs wheelchair etc, and the others often choose to stay home with sibling rather than go and play out with her (quite mean) daughter. It really hurt at first, that someone could think so little of our little family and how happy we are, and want to put us down. You must have felt similar, and I’m sorry “friends” did this. It helped when I thought stuff the lot of them - they know nothing about us and are nothing to us.

Your family is missing nothing, it’s a loving family that’s ALL that matters, and you are doing brilliantly.

You should google some of the Daily Mail's headlines - single mums were the immigrants of the 90s.

That point notwithstanding, children of single parents have worse outcomes in all aspects of life compared with children in two parent households. It's something no one wants to talk about but it's a significant factor in why "society is regressing".

It's a tactless thing to say. I do have an amazing dad but he's a loving engaged parent. Plenty of kids have dad's who aren't and bring more turmoil in their lives than happiness. It isn't a case of one upmanship. She should have explained to her kids that all families come in different sizes and no one is better than the other. We deal with the cards we are dealt and she was rude to speak to you like this. Do you really need such people in your life? As I get older I'm selective about how I spend my time and I wouldn't want to put myself out for people with such views.

Yes to this.

Better no father than one who doesn't care for his children or his wife. Kids know when things are not right between their parents, and when they're getting short-changed by one or other of them.

Also - find new friends.

Your family unit is not inferior to theirs. Tell them that.

Plan a retort for these types of comments “It’s much better for them to grow up in a stable, happy household with me than in an unhappy household where the parents don’t get along”.

This

Am a single parent and nobody has ever said this to me certainly
Not friends or people I associate with. Very patronising and condescending I would say something

It's hard to imagine these situations, especially twice in a few days. You okay, OP?

Your friend is not a friend. The things she's saying are nasty and hurtful. I'd not think twice just snip snip.

Single mums are the new punching bags now.

I can assure you, there's nothing new about it.

My great Gran was a single mum in the 1890's. She was "sent away", and ostracised from her community for life. My Grandpa (her son) was termed a 'bastard' from toddlerhood, and was forbidden from mixing with other children in the new neighbourhood.

My own mother was a single mum in the 1980s. She (and us kids) were also socially isolated, gossiped about, and othered.

I was a single mum myself from 1998. By then, it was pretty much normalised. Not always easy of course but, societally, I wasn't thrown out of my community.

It's hard for single mums still, for lots of reasons, but I don't consider that there's been a regression.

Shitty comments from people who are probably insecure in their relationships & envious that you’re capable of raising your children in a loving, secure fashion by yourself. Ignore & possibly find more considerate friends. Single parenting is hard but also deeply rewarding and isn’t something for others to use as a benchmark to judge their own relationships.

The fact you keep getting sad faces at being divorced…is it the 1930s where you live?!

That's exactly what I was wondering? Your 'friends' are very strange OP!

Wow, you have some seriously awful friends -the second one especially. I guess the first one was just trying to comfort her child, but she shouldn’t have told you what she said (it’s a bit “at least you aren’t one of the kids starving in Africa” isnt it?).

Afaik about half of kids in the UK have separated parents - your kids situation is hardly unique and while obviously not ideal, imo it’s far better parents being separated than growing up in an unhappy/very argumentative household.

Just ignore, they are clearly trying to make themselves feel better at your expense. I suspect their own marriages might not be as happy as they appear or else they have other problems in their lives and it makes them feel better “pitying” your situation.

Love it and its certainly true. I knew a few people growing up who apparently can from 2 parent happy homes and I was better off than them with my 1 parent because neither of their parents were good ones.

The ideal is 2 good parents living in the same home, the reality is that a lot of kids are better off in two homes or just with mum or dad due to what the other parent is like. Having 2 parents at home doesn't mean it's a happy house or thats what best for those specific kids. Mine get on better with their dad now they see him 2 days a week and not having him in the home. I wouldn't call him an involved dad but he's more involved then he was and has a better relationship with them now.

That's bloody grim and your friends aren't friends. How dare they?! I wouldn’t have one more word to say to them without getting very angry and making their bullshit very well known to them!