Page 5 | Crying over children’s behaviour at work

Themanuscript · 2025-03-04T19:15:58+00:00

I’ll preface this by saying there are some wonderful parents out there who parent beautifully with and without limited means and raise lovely, well mannered children and I’ve encountered many over my 13 years experience of nurseries/nannying and schools. But after the past 5 years, I think I’m finally going to walk away from the childcare industry. I’ve just walked in to the house after being tearful the whole way home and broke down after another day of sheer abuse from the children I nanny. No matter how well I teach and model behaviour, parents are not backing it up. Modern work/life balance is so bad that parents are giving into their children out of guilt and creating children that are unpleasant to be around. There should be no such thing as an unpleasant child! I should not be being hit for not giving them more sweets after they’ve had treats all night because they’ve screamed at me for not originally giving in and their parents have come out of the home office and given in to keep them quiet, undermining me in the process. I should not be having water thrown at me for telling them not to hit eachother in the bath. I should not be looked in the eye while telling a child an instruction or not to hurt another child for them to smirk and not listen and just walk away. These are primary aged children and I’m being shouted at constantly because they aren’t being taught ‘no’ at all. I’ve worked with disadvantaged children who have come from foster care, poverty and abusive households and none of those children ever treated me as bad as the middle class KS1/2 children in beautiful homes who never go without. Today an 8 year old child was asked what they wanted for dinner, I made said dinner which they decided they didn’t want and because I would not make an entirely different meal they threw it on the floor and later jumped on me full body weight while we’re sat on the couch. Meanwhile I’ve come home to an empty fridge and bank account and they have no idea how fortunate they are. this isn’t an isolated thing. Like I said previously, this is 80% of the children in past 5 years. I spend all week trying To instil good behaviour, they don’t see me for 2 days over the weekend and it’s back on to square one on Monday AIBU to walk away from working with children at all? I expect age appropriate challenging behaviour but I am sick of being abused all evening long every single day.

Hexagonsareneverround · 04/03/2025 21:26

ThejoyofNC · 04/03/2025 19:27

It's because kids barely see their parents these days. So like you said, they feel like they have to make up for that during the couple of hours they spend together.

I blame the fact that many families can only survive if both parents work full time.

And of course, gentle fucking parenting.

How much did they use to see their parents before? In the 50s/60s I guess you are referring to? Dad working hard outside the house, mum slaving away inside the house, the kids playing out all day, not to be seen or heard.
Parents didn't use to coddle or play with you much at all and the childhood wasn't child centric.
Before that, not only did your mum work if you weren't too well off but you went to work with her or even went to work by yourself, depending on what magical time it is you are talking about.
Always one with a dig at working mothers. Mothers never parented more.

Bippityboppitybooo · 04/03/2025 21:25

I think it's easy as parents (especially full time working or after relationship breakdowns) to fall into the guilt trap. God knows I buy my kids too much stuff to 'treat' them, when what they really want is me on the floor playing. I know, I'm just very tired. But I have boundaries, consequences, and 'no' is said daily. Some of the things a few of the other year 1s are doing to their mums, and in public...

There's one boy in my son's class. Frequent hitter since reception. Mum works part time around him and has majority care. She's a lovely human being and one of the nicest mums I've met at the school. But - when he kicks or pushes or punches another boy in the park after school, in front of us all, she says in a quiet meek voice, "now now, people don't like being kicked." His response is a boat load of swearing at her. At the grand age of 6. I feel like he's probably copying his dad (yes ive judged him after seeing him once), but she has zero boundaries!

My son would never dare to speak to us like that (and doesn't know fuck or cunt yet, unlike his classmate - he checks occasionally on finger action meanings and new words with us).

MOST of the kids at school seem normal and nice, not perfect though, so 80% seems huge. But I know many are different at home, so you never know.

user1492757084 · 04/03/2025 21:21

Can you work part time while also running two businesses:

Write short stories based on terrible parenting.

Set up as a counsellor for parents of brats who want to have nicer children.

What you put up with is more than you should have to bear. Can you instruct the parents and point out what is happening?
Nearing the end of your placement, it might be easier for you to tellthemsome truths, even show them this page.

Original poster

Themanuscript · 04/03/2025 21:16

Why the arsy response?

Because you say it like I couldn’t possibly know what I’m talking about. I have years of experience, cared and educated hundreds of children across nurseries, schools and in their own homes. I have been on countless behavioural courses, SEN training, have qualifications in child development, early years education and I have a broader knowledge what is usual in children than a parent who generally only sees what goes on in their own home.

OP posts:

Original poster

Themanuscript · 04/03/2025 21:13

I refute and resent the implication that women working is the cause of this phenomenon. What utter tripe.

It is work guilt. But the difference is that some parents, like mine growing up, had no way to make up for it other than with the time they had, attention and love.

Some Parents who are in a better financial position make up for it with spoiling their child rather than the quality time they’re desperate for and use gifts and toys to subdue their outbursts.

It’ll ruffle some feathers on here with me saying this but all of the behaviour I have received like this has been from children who come from middle class homes. It was never the children in school with plain cheese sandwiches and their siblings old school shoes.

OP posts:

CowboyJoanna · 04/03/2025 21:12

My old friend was a childminder. Most of the children that she encountered in this sort of occupation were rich spoilt brats, whose parents gave in to their every demand and when the parents went off to work (or holiday, or to play golf) theyd pay a nanny to look after the child. You couldnt discipline them otherwise the parents would go ballistic over their little darlings not being treated like the sun shines out their arses.

Childminded kids are not reflective of most kids, you do get a lot more privileged little sproglets for the reason above.

Rainingalldayonmyhead · 04/03/2025 21:10

Aalasya · 04/03/2025 21:05

@Rainingalldayonmyhead another one who doesn't know what gentle parenting actually means.

No I do. Just because I don’t agree doesn’t mean I don’t understand. Having an opinion doesn’t make someone wrong not does it mean they don’t completely understand what gentle parenting is. It’s a lazy argument because you don’t like the perceived criticism of my opinion.

Another gentle parent who doesn’t actually know the consequences of it.

Californianpoppy · 04/03/2025 21:07

I'm so sick of 'both parents work full time' as an excuse for shit parenting.

My grandparents both worked full time, in shit jobs. Kids looked after by a range of neighbours then, later, older siblings.

Dh and I worked full time through the early years. And I'll admit, the kids I teach often took precedence. But we managed to potty train and bring up well mannered, well behaved kids. No magic wand- we were just consistent all the way; not afraid to say no and didn't want to be friends with our kids.

Aalasya · 04/03/2025 21:05

@Rainingalldayonmyhead another one who doesn't know what gentle parenting actually means.

Glitterbomb123 · 04/03/2025 21:04

ThejoyofNC · 04/03/2025 19:27

It's because kids barely see their parents these days. So like you said, they feel like they have to make up for that during the couple of hours they spend together.

I blame the fact that many families can only survive if both parents work full time.

And of course, gentle fucking parenting.

I blame the fact that many families can only survive if both parents work full time.

The OP has stated these are middle class families with beautiful big houses. That's why they have to work full time. The parents are prioritising having a big house and nice things over spending time with their children. They would 'survive' very easily in a smaller/not so beautiful house with less 'nice stuff'

Aalasya · 04/03/2025 21:03

OP, you don't know what gentle parenting is. It's not the same as permissive parenting.

Those children sound like extremely hard work.

There should be no such thing as an unpleasant child!
This is silly though, kids are individuals, they lead different lives. Some less idea than others. I agree no child should be ill, neurodivergent, traumatised, bullied or struggling, but that's so far from the world we live in that your statement is just a judgemental generalisation.

t’s the result of the work guilty coinciding with the ‘gentle parenting’ fad. But thanks for your input.

If you already know everything, why post?

Thanks, though, for the generous acknowledgment that good parents do exist 😂

Cctviswatchingme001 · 04/03/2025 21:01

I'm a Nanny and I totally understand. I turn down any job involving school aged children.

Nanny0gg · 04/03/2025 21:01

Motheranddaughter · 04/03/2025 20:58

Well said
Blame the working mothers,as usual

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I think the issue for this nanny is the working parents situation

If they both work from home they can hear what their kids are doing and when they're being called for and can come out and interfere

It would be better all round if they were out of the house

ZiggyXena · 04/03/2025 21:00

I'm sorry you have been through this and this is all terrible behaviour.

However, these aren't children who have everything. They don't have parents who are actively involved in their upbringing. Material things and bribing with sweets won't make up for that.

JenniferBooth · 04/03/2025 21:00

TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse44 · 04/03/2025 20:48

I was sat on the bus a few days ago, there was a kid sat on the backrest of his seat balancing on his hands with his backside in the air. The mother was completely oblivious/ uninterested. I told him to get down in the end as if the bus had jolted not only could he have badly hurt the people behind him he could have been thrown out the window of the top deck !

He looked me dead in the eye, smirked and shook his head. Kid was about 9 with the attitude of a cocky 30 Yr old. Just vile. And the mother still didn't interject. Far more interested in her phone rather than looking at the half dozen kids running amok........I of course did the adult thing and gave him the middle finger as I got off the bus spent the rest of the journey praying the driver would need to slam the brakes on !!

Rarely has my flabber been so gasted !!

What a little idiot

Motheranddaughter · 04/03/2025 20:58

Farageisacupidstunt · 04/03/2025 20:32

I refute and resent the implication that women working is the cause of this phenomenon. What utter tripe. I returned to work full time from when my child was six months. A friend returned to full time work when all three of her children were three months old. All four of these children were correctly disciplined and cared for and have grown into caring, empathetic, strong, independent adults. The parenting style is the problem. My SIL, a SAHM, indulges in this sort of lazy parenting and guess what, her kids are rapidly turning into twatty adults. It isn't about time spent. It is, as with a lot of things in life, about the quality of that time

Well said
Blame the working mothers,as usual

Hankunamatata · 04/03/2025 20:58

Good qualified nannies are like gold dust. Do you do trials before taking the family on?

Motheranddaughter · 04/03/2025 20:57

We both worked and our DC behaved well,and did very well at school
They both have a great work ethic which they get from watching us work hard

Merryoldgoat · 04/03/2025 20:55

Farageisacupidstunt · 04/03/2025 20:32

I refute and resent the implication that women working is the cause of this phenomenon. What utter tripe. I returned to work full time from when my child was six months. A friend returned to full time work when all three of her children were three months old. All four of these children were correctly disciplined and cared for and have grown into caring, empathetic, strong, independent adults. The parenting style is the problem. My SIL, a SAHM, indulges in this sort of lazy parenting and guess what, her kids are rapidly turning into twatty adults. It isn't about time spent. It is, as with a lot of things in life, about the quality of that time

Hard agree.

I went back to work after a year and have had a combination of family care, childminders, wraparound care, and a nanny over the last 12 years.

I am gentle, but have boundaries and high expectations. Both my boys are autistic and have significant challenges. Even my non-verbal boy (7 years old but developmental age of around 2/3) is aware of the boundaries and I absolutely could not accept the behaviour OP describes.

At their most dysregulated their behaviour wouldn’t approach what’s described.

JenniferBooth · 04/03/2025 20:54

goody2shooz · 04/03/2025 20:49

@BooomShakeTheRoom you really think what the op has described is normal behaviour for 8 yr olds?! Body slamming their nanny? Throwing food on the floor? Not normal, sorry. That’s appalling behaviour at that age.

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Many many years ago (im 51) when i was a toddler the lady pensioner from the top of our road used to babysit to fill the gap between my dad coming home and DM going out to work. I can tell you that behaviour at this age and older wouldnt have even entered my head Same with DB We wouldnt have dared. She was a lovely babysitter She had the Mollie Sugden hair thing going on

goody2shooz · 04/03/2025 20:49

BooomShakeTheRoom · 04/03/2025 20:06

Do you have children OP?

Whilst some of what you’re describing is extremely poor behaviour (hitting, throwing things at you, throwing food etc), some of it sounds like normal child development. Such as crying and screaming to get their own way, not listening, bounding at people on the sofa.

Im not a permissive parent, neither am I overly strict. I’d say I’m laid back with morals and high expectations. And my 6 and 7 year olds run me wild at home. Angels as school, terrors at home. They’ll grow into nice adults. How do I know? Because I was the same, lots of kids are. The energy, development of ego and esteem, tiredness etc are all playing a large part part in their behaviour.

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@BooomShakeTheRoom you really think what the op has described is normal behaviour for 8 yr olds?! Body slamming their nanny? Throwing food on the floor? Not normal, sorry. That’s appalling behaviour at that age.

TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse44 · 04/03/2025 20:48

I was sat on the bus a few days ago, there was a kid sat on the backrest of his seat balancing on his hands with his backside in the air. The mother was completely oblivious/ uninterested. I told him to get down in the end as if the bus had jolted not only could he have badly hurt the people behind him he could have been thrown out the window of the top deck !

He looked me dead in the eye, smirked and shook his head. Kid was about 9 with the attitude of a cocky 30 Yr old. Just vile. And the mother still didn't interject. Far more interested in her phone rather than looking at the half dozen kids running amok........I of course did the adult thing and gave him the middle finger as I got off the bus spent the rest of the journey praying the driver would need to slam the brakes on !!

Rarely has my flabber been so gasted !!

JenniferBooth · 04/03/2025 20:39

CrispieCake · 04/03/2025 20:09

I know some delightful children of those ages, but having endured an uncomfortable number of children's parties over the past few years (including ones I was running), I am amazed at how wet/uninterested some parents seem to be. I have stood around arguing with a boy who had taken all his clothes off except his pants that he wasn't getting a party bag until he had his shoes on ready to go because that was my "rule". And the little cretin still tried three times to wrestle it out of my hand three times. I have seen children throwing food at walls, deliberately spilling drinks, sticking their fingers into the birthday child's cake and destroying stuff while their parents stand by and do nothing.

I am probably a bit soft as a parent and my kids are no angels, but if they behaved as badly as I've seen some do, they'd get a cross telling-off and physically taken away from the situation, and parties would be a no-go until behaviour improved.

I would not like to be a nanny to lots of these kids, OP. Some of them I don't even trust I could keep them safe on the walk home from school, the behaviour and listening is so poor, so I won't even have them round for playdates.

This behaviour has become so normalized that it is even featured in a car advert

21ZIGGY · 04/03/2025 20:39

BooomShakeTheRoom · 04/03/2025 20:20

Why the arsy response?

It’s very easy to judge parents when you aren’t one. I have a friend who’s an ex nanny. She was telling me the other day about how she used to have a very clear idea on how to parent when a nanny as she thought she’d seen it all, but once she became a parent her whole style changed. Why? Because it’s totally different being a parent than being a nanny.

Im not excusing the poor behaviour, but I assure you that all young children behave badly sometimes and in some environments. Kids are kids, always have been, always will be.

You’re welcome for my input 😀

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No. Its very easy to blame the nanny when youre a shit and/or absent parent.

What OP says explains it all. Parents deign to leave their at home office to ply the kids with sweets so the parents dont have to do anything

Doingmybestbut · 04/03/2025 20:38

Farageisacupidstunt · 04/03/2025 20:32

I refute and resent the implication that women working is the cause of this phenomenon. What utter tripe. I returned to work full time from when my child was six months. A friend returned to full time work when all three of her children were three months old. All four of these children were correctly disciplined and cared for and have grown into caring, empathetic, strong, independent adults. The parenting style is the problem. My SIL, a SAHM, indulges in this sort of lazy parenting and guess what, her kids are rapidly turning into twatty adults. It isn't about time spent. It is, as with a lot of things in life, about the quality of that time

It isn't about time spent. It is, as with a lot of things in life, about the quality of that time.

To a certain degree. But if the time spent is two hours a fortnight with a nine year old, it doesn’t matter if you’re Mary Poppins. I’ve worked in boarding schools. There are some parents who utterly check out.