Crying over children’s behaviour at work

This made me laugh- people always assume that badly behaved kids are working class. Yet when I lived in a very MC area of Cheshire, the amount of screaming and crying kids running around pubs, with their floaty Boden dress-wearing mums calling "Oliver! Oliver darling! Don't do that! Come on darling! Oliver! Don't bite darling! Please don't throw your cup Florence darling!" Etc was unbelievable!

I was thinking this. Both DH and I worked full time, after 41/2 months maternity leave, as did most of my friends. Working in school, it’s shocking how some parents give in to their DC demands, even witnessed families where DC choose holiday destinations! Parents need to learn the word ‘no’ and stick to it.

OP, I hear you. My children go to school in a v privileged area (state school) and I see this behaviour all the time from their class mates. It is insane and I absolutely detest it. The entitlement from even very young children is staggering. Sure, all children will 'test boundaries' but surely that is where parents come in to reaffirm that boundary, not give in to it?

I am not a perfect parent by any means, I have had years where I have worked too much and have been short and snappy. I don't cook organic well balanced diets all the time. I give them too much screen time and I didn't breast feed. I have also handled the makeup of my family wrong many a times (white privilege) etc etc. I get it wrong alot. But I do parent them. I teach them right from wrong, how to treat others and their behaviour have consequences, good and bad. I have kids with beautiful & respectful manners, I'd be mortified if they were badly behaved. And to another poster who said throwing food/water etc was normal...I am not sure. That would never happen in my house. I have children with adhd etc and it is hard work at times, but they are respectful, kind and aware of others. They don't chat back, they respect boundaries and do what is asked of them (with some prompts and reminders for the adhd one).

Working and “a big house” doesn’t = awfully behaved children.

There could be a deficit even sahp have deficits in there parenting why should you be different? The only people who will judge us is our children not strangers on the internet. I won't be the one banging on your table and you won't be banging on mine.

I would also say that she is one of the most emotionally aware, attuned and empathetic children (as constantly commented on by teachers).

I don't know if this is a good or a bad way to feel at a young age I don't know her. All I know is you work to keep a big house going to pay the mortgage and bills every month.

I agree with this. I'm in my 30s, both my parents worked full time and I was with a childminder around primary school, so I really only saw them at the weekend (especially my dad) but I was firmly parented. In some ways I disagree with (primary school teachers used to scream at the kids sometimes and I was smacked by the childminder). DH and I sometimes tear our hair out at our 4 year olds behaviour and wonder why we were never really like that. I think the answer is that someone would have hit us by that point. I'm not saying I think this was a good thing AT ALL and obviously there is a middle ground between shouty/threatening parenting and permissive parenting, but I see a lot of parents where we live doing the latter. This morning at a class with my kids I took a water bottle off my 18 month old because he was pouring water on the floor which led him to have a tantrum (obviously I cuddled and distracted), but the look i was given by several well-meaning people was that I had done something appalling.

I think private schools (as they are now) have a lot to answer for here, in conjunction with some appalling parenting.

I worked in two as a second career, teaching years 7-13 (mostly older years) and both schools really hated parental complaints, even totally unjustified ones. The corollary of this is that the children of known complainers got handled with kid gloves.

However, I don’t think the majority of children or parents are appalling, most of them were really nice (or I wouldn’t have stuck it out for a decade). But there is a meaningful minority of pupils and parents who thought their teachers were an extension of the domestic staff (not that that is an excuse, anyway). Demands were made for revision notes, detentions revoked, tests postponed because their daughter had been in the school play, term time holidays etc etc. And, if a parent complained, however trivially, there were always endless meetings, extra lesson observations and sometimes having to apologise for having just told a pupil off perfectly reasonably.
And SLT generally acquiesced to the parents, because they needed the fees to keep rolling in.

I was privately educated many years ago and I can assure you that we had to respect the teachers. If I had told a teacher to print extra revision notes because ‘I am paying you’, I think I would have been cleaning the lab sinks for a week. But these days that kind of behaviour has become normalised.

I was quite a stroppy old teacher and didn’t take too much crap, mainly because, ultimately, I wasn’t doing it for the money. And I think I was actually respected for it. But virtually every parents’ evening one or two of the younger teachers were left in tears by parents haranguing them.

I do recognise what OP is saying here.

If I could give this comment a thousand ''Likes'', I would.

I came to say the same. I was a part time nanny for my last couple of years at uni. I turned down two families before finding the right fit.

I knew for example that I would find it very difficult to work in a family where I didn’t feel they were being parented well whether that was too spoiled, too harsh, emotionally neglectful or obvious favouritism.

I knew I wanted to work with a family who were loving and had clear boundaries and rules for me to uphold but also willing to give me some free reign beyond those non negotiables to figure what worked best.

That means asking lots of questions, asking what the routine was, whether they were allowed to watch tv and for how long, whether homework had to be done etc. You are seeing if they even have any boundaries and routine for one thing and if they do whether they seem sane and work for you.

I was lucky to find a lovely family with two funny, happy primary school girls who I ended up looking after for the rest of my time in that city. They valued and respected me and my input and were considerate and generous in return.

Interview them!

I personally wouldn’t have been badly behaved as my mum would have been furious

I think part of the problem is that many people think we shouldn’t ever be “furious” with our children, whatever they do, as it might damage their ego and esteem, and they may feel hurt…. And that we should suppress our feelings and remain calm at all times irrespective of the provocation.

That just leads to some kids thinking they can do whatever the hell they like.

Childrens behaviour has massively declined over the last few years.

I personally wouldn’t have been badly behaved as my mum would have been furious, my own children behave most of the time with an odd blip , last week at work I was told to fuck off from a 4 year old.. I’ve been hit and kicked by children who should know better. These children have no ASN.

behvaiour is terrible and it’s down to parental guidance. We have parents who don’t say no to their children and have requested we don’t say no too! 😂

When you go for your next job interview, remember that you are choosing them as much as they are choosing you.
Ask them about their parenting style. Explain that it’s important you agree about discipline etc so as not to undermine each other. Say that you expect their support as much as they should be able to expect yours.

Your current position sounds grim. Start looking for a new role now and resign asap.

Good luck!

To summarise....... many parents are crap parents but don't realise they are crap so don't realise their children are little shits or choose to excuse the poor behaviour.

Many crap parents (who don't realise they are crap) post on threads such as this with anecdotal evidence to dismiss the OP and anyone who is not in agreement with.

Putting babies into a childcare setting at 3/4 months is nothing to be proud of.

You don't need to put your career first to pass on a good work ethic.

Quality time is subjective.

I think it's the permissive parenting rather than both parents working full time.

I'm saying this as I grew up in communist Eastern Europe, where everyone worked equally - men and women, all full time, from very early on (i.e. short mat leave).
This was the case with the entire country (and the countries around us), and there weren't behavioural problems like you see nowadays, let alone widespread.

I agree. Some of the worst behaviour we have in our school is the children of families where both parents are working and earning high salaries. They just throw money at the children instead of doing the hard work of proper parenting.

‘Cut out’ wasn’t the right frame of words. I just think if you’re finding the behaviour too difficult and you don’t feel you can manage it - maybe it’s not for you. It does sound like very hard work indeed.

Crying and screaming to get their own way and bounding at people on the sofa is not normal behaviour in primary aged kids 😳😳
That should have been nipped in the bud when they were like, 2. And they very quickly learn no point crying /screaming to get their own way if it does not get them their own way!!
And there should absolutely be consequences for them even trying the screaming to get their own way!!
If you think this is normal you are very much part of the problem

I have seen that with my grand children and nieces and nephews - the daughter in laws who are stricter have children who are easier to have visiting will eat most things, behave when we say no and easier at bedtime. The others believe in soft parenting and children are very fussy about what they eat, sulk if we say no and have a very complicated bedtime routine.

My view is there’s a belief amongst many that believes that any parenting that isn’t “gentle” is abusive, or at least borderline so.

For many children, gentle parenting (and I don’t mean permissive parenting) does work, and if it does, it’s the ideal. It has with my two for instance, or at least has done 99% of the time. But there are some children who, frankly, need harsher parenting and more discipline. I’m not talking about thrashing them with a belt til their black and blue, but if a child has become an unruly, unkind bully who is uncontrollable and scoffs at their parent/carer, then in my view that parent/carer needs to dial up the discipline as far as necessary to exert reasonable parental boundaries…. The problem comes when parents are too weak or too empathetic to do this. If that involves shouting, or even in extreme cases administering a smack, then so be it. But too many of us are too squeamish to do that these days.

I should add that’s how I was bought up, and there were occasions when I was a shit and completely disrespected my parents, and I’m grateful for them for not being “gentle” and getting me back in line. I should also add I had a great relationship with my parents, in large part because I knew the boundaries, and that there would be consequences if I disregarded them.

You sound resentful and jealous of these 'middle-class families'. There are good and parents across the social spectrum; it has nothing to do with wealth. I recommend you change career.

It's been proven than sending kids to nursery under the age of 2 years is detrimental to their wellbeing.

Many parents have to send them anyway. Other parents choose to send them anyway.

Unfortunately, children are rarely prioritised in our society. We need better parental leave etc.

I was going to respond but you’ve reply was far more articulate than I could have written.

Sorry this has happened to you OP, being bodyslammed then being unsupported afterwards is a horrible way to be treated at work. I hope you have a better day today.

@Proudestmumofone1 I feel as you do, that I am proud to show my daughter (and my son) that I can work and be a good parent, and put effort and focus into both those elements. However because women are so judged by society for whatever they do, I find that this always raises a defensive response, it’s disheartening. I am glad other women are mothers and also doctors or nurses or pilots or lawyers or retail workers, also glad if women or men are fulfilled stay at home parents, I want all these role models for my children. We should celebrate being proud of our own path as you do.

The OPs response wasn’t arsey. You’re the one being prickly.

An 8 year old throwing a dinner on the floor is not ok.

I would honestly do paediatric nursing.