Ex’s wife has died

Just check in by text and say you can be totally flexible with any childcare arrangements as and when he needs and to get in touch if he needs anything practical.

In my experience, a lot of women flock round with casseroles and emotional support when a man is widowed, much more than they do with women.

I think it would depend on how you usually communicate. If you keep in regular contact regarding your daughter via text, then I would send a short but sweet text like the one Moveoverdarlin suggested. Your focus should be on your daughter x

@CrispyDosa AIBU is a shout out to the bullys. You are in shock with this sudden untimely death of a mother with children. It will impact your DD.

You only stated that you didnt know what to do in your OP - this is understandable in a state of shock. Please ignore the vipers - your family need comfort and calm right now. You have a long road ahead. Take it easy.

Send a card. He is your ex for a reason, don't fall into the trap of being his rock because you really are not.

I doubt his kids want you turning up, you can send flowers a card and text

I hope you're not putting that ridiculous idea into your daughter's head! About misplaced guilt at not liking her much now she's dead.

Your instincts telling you to go over there are wrong. Your daughter didn't care for her, if she needs support, she can come to you. You would be really overstepping to go over. You didn't love or care for her, that's pretty obvious from your post.

Intruding in on the grief of people who loved her would make things far worse for them. Do you really want to be that person?

I recently learned an expression on here, which I like very much: 'Main character syndrome'. You seem to have a case of that, OP. It is very much not your place to go barging round there in this scenario, even if you think your presence is very important.

Send your sincere condolences by text, follow up with a card, that's ALL. Going over there would be a bad idea. He will have her close family members around him and they will almost certainly find it inappropriate and insensitive to see his ex-wife there.

You were not her friend, she wasn't great with your daughter. There is really no need to insert yourself into this.

Feeling 'numb' is shock.

There'll be a lot of fall-out for everyone in the coming days, weeks and months.

I am sure you had thoughts of what if this happened to your DD etc. Shock makes us panic.

Take it easy @CrispyDosa - sending a card via ILs is an appropriate response.

Are her children your ex's bio children?

What age are all the children in the equation? And do they have shared DC?

I wouldn’t do anything. When people are grieving they can misdirect their anger about it - and he is your ex for a reason.

Send a card, it’s far to intrusive to go around, as @Sebella explained well there are issues that may come up now or in the future re your daughter and how she and her siblings cope with the grief, concentrate on her as that’s what you can help with, the rest of the situation isn’t yours to solve unless you are asked to help

This is all seriously weird.

Are you generally a Grief Thief?

Why do you think he would want his ex wife popping around when his wife has just died? If you must do something then send a text.

Anything more is weird. This is not about you at all.

Because of your original post!
It seems as if you really want to get in contact, despite your daughter's difficulties with this woman.

I am going to write in the card that I want to respect his and her children’s privacy at this awful time.

This is odd. And the idea of rushing round is odd.

Just a very simple condolence message is fine.

Just leave it. Don't be a drama llama trying to put yourself into the narrative.

I wouldnt be doing anything, it's up to the kids what they want to do

So if your daughter isn't bothered, he was consistently unfaithful to you, and you've been divorced for years, so why are you bothering?
Weird to feel 'numb'

Just why? Maybe her kids don't want you there. If I lost a parent and their partner's ex turned up, I'd be thinking they're a fucking grief vulture or there for gossip. It's got bugger all to do with you

You don’t sound very keen on her, and he’s your ex for a reason, are you with anyone now or no?

Send or text condolences. Do not go over, it would be really intrusive and I doubt your ex and her kids would appreciate it right now.

Your DD might have some unacknowledged 'guilt' that might trouble her or come through later.

Keep listening, checking in and supporting her. She has a lot ahead of her. She will watch at clsoe range her half siblings grieve the sudden loss of their mother for years to come. Also he DF may be unable to parent her for some time.

Your DD life has changed drastrically and she will need your support for the medium term even if she doesnt want to talk about it right now - she has. lot to process and experience going forward with her family that no onw had anticipated.