Ex’s wife has died

He's your ex. It's best you give him and her close family space right now.
If he was your best mate it'd be different, but I don't think you'll be able to help. Though it's kind that you wish to.
Maybe once it's clear the news could have spread to you organically, just send a text saying sorry for your loss, and I'm here to chat if you need. But leave it a week or so. There will be lots going on for him right now.

I wouldn't do anything.

Literally a short card is the only appropriate action to take here - and that does not include a message saying you were going to call round but didn't want to intrude, as that makes it very much about you.

The thoughtlessness of this is actually quite breath taking

I want to drive to the house and see him but don’t know how I will be greeted.

Its got absolutely nothing to do with you and you are not duty bound to do or say anything as it seems you feel you are. He is your past.
You aren't a bad person if you feel nothing about this so don't try to.
If you feel the need, just say you are sorry to hear the sad news and leave it at that. A simple acknowledgement. Don't add that you are there if he needs anything, it's not your place.

Pwfeff...I wouldn't. I would be on my daughters side.

It really genuinely bizarre you’d even think to do this given your daughter, the person who had the most interaction with the person, had an appalling relationship with.

And this happened yesterday. You will be one of the last people he’s thinking about op

a thoughtful card

Don’t be that person.

If you were close to him or his wife then maybe a card or text but it doesn’t sound like you had a good relationship with either of them.

How old is your dd?

Absolutely agree. The last person anyone wants hanging about is an ex. A card is sufficient.

It’s very sad for their children and you’re obviously in shock. definitely don’t go around there! If you’re in touch with your MIL, let her know that you’re there if they need you. Send a card.

You need to focus a lot less on your ex and more about your DD and that she will have very complicated feelings about this despite seeing “unbothered”. Even if she’s not strictly upset as they didn’t have a good relationship, she will have to experience the grief of others such as her dad and siblings.

You have massive main character energy. Why are you sending card via ex MIL rather than post? Leave the poor man be, he’ll be shattered and you intruding will not help.

If I die and my DH’s ex-wife rushes round to say how numb she feels, you best bet I’ll be resurrecting myself right back down to earth.

Don’t go.
Send the “so sorry to hear blah blah”

Let me know if I can help you.

the end

I think it really depends on the type of relationship you have with your ex.

Good co-parenting relationship: text him, offer condoléances. Stay in touch with him re your dd. Even though your dd didn’t like her, it’s still her step mother that died. It will have a huge impact on her.
Assuming the young dcs you mention are dcs she had with your ex, it also means huge changes there too.
Offer help and see how it goes.

Bad co-parenting relationship (whatever the reason): stick to the minimum. Send a card and see how things are panning out re contact.

'I am going to write in the card that I want to respect his and her children’s privacy at this awful time'

Why say that? Just say so sorry for your loss. That's it.

Why is your instinct telling you to go and see him. I think what your brain is telling you he is feeling is probably way, way off what he is actually feeling.
Also, if you think it will upset her kids then absolutely stay away. Their mums just died, leave them all in peace and offer to help via text or phone.

The fact that you are so invested in this?

Your children weren't keen but any condolences should come from them

Are you one of those people that like to hijack life events and make it all about you ?

You sound like a lovely person OP

Just send a card and / or text with your condolences

If he wants to talk to you then he will

Your behaviour, even your protests, suggests that you still have feelings for your ex. You’re attempting to involve yourself in a situation that has nothing to do with you. If you want to show that you are thinking of your ex-husband, in a way that is sincere and not led by an ulterior motive, then a card is more than appropriate. Going round there and offering a shoulder to cry on does not seem appropriate, unless you were doing that during his marriage to his wife (and to her knowledge). Anything else comes across as opportunistic.

I don't understand why you think you should involve yourself or do anything - how much involvement do you normally have with your ex? Is this just rubber-necking or grief tourism?

Thank you! I was just trying to explain how I feel about this. I think the OP has this need to make herself relevant to him. It's like 'look at how magnanimous and grown up I am, in spite of him leaving me, I can deal with this for him as a friend.' As though by riding in on her white horse to take charge and be chief soother and hand patter, he and all of his dead wife's family will realise how fabulous she is. It's the kind of thing my mother likes to do and it makes me cringe. Main character Syndrome sums it up well.

I don’t think the OP is a Grief Thief that’s why I asked about rescuing. I suspect the OP had years of being the responsible one in their relationship, the one who worked to keep her ex happy when he was being selfish. I think the OP defaulted to her old habit of trying to fix his moods and stress.

It's sad but I don't think you should do anything. Concentrate on your DC.

Do nothing.

If I had a bereavement today, I would be utterly appalled and horrified if any of my exes appeared at my door.