Ex’s wife has died

You really are quite determined to make this all about you, aren’t you OP

I think this is good advice. How was your relationship before the death? Were you a support person? Even though I'm now in a relationship, my ExW is a support person as I am to her. When I was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago, she came to some hospital appointments when my GF couldn't make it and my surgery. However, we have 2 children, live abroad and work together so we make a conscious effort of 'still being a family' and being there for each other when we need it (looking after each other's dogs), swapping days with the kids to accommodate our lives and work commitments or just to moan about our boss.
If her partner had recently died, I'd be there for her straight away but I'd have to text first.
So yeah text him, say how sorry you are for his loss and ask if he wants/needs to meet.

It is very sad, particularly for HER family. Why is your former MIL spending the afternoon with you, as opposed to comforting her own DS?

Maybe it would be best if your ex-MIL went to support her son rather than spending the day with you? I know you have no control over what another person does but she sounds terrible.

I wonder what will happen to her poor kids now - is their DF on the scene?

You don't have a positive relationship with him, a call is all that's required, you weren't friendly with her, it's not the time to be intrusive in a situation that's not yours

The OP’s instincts led her to marry a serial cheater

I think that, when there has been a sudden death like this, even if isn't someone you will grieve for, the shock can still make you want to talk to someone also affected. In this sort of situation, I think you have to take care to only speak to those who are as affected as you, not those more directly affected like your ex.
In these circumstances, it is slightly different as it is your DD's step-mum who has died. How old is your DD? How often does she go to her dad's? Does she have half siblings as well as step siblings? How well do they get on? All of this might impact on your next steps. Might DD want to spend more time at her dad's or less? What does he want? How can you help your DD and her DF navigate their relationship at this difficult time? And how can you best support your DD who might be experiencing a whole range of emotions including worry about how best to interact with her DF and the other children?

Trust your instincts OP. Go if you feel like it’s the right thing to do. My ex (dcs dad) was very supportive when my husband died and it was very much appreciated.

Why on earth would you write that you want to "respect his and her children's privacy at this awful time"?!
Just send a condolence card and leave them be.
I really don't understand why it would even occur to you that just turning up might be a good idea. I can't imagine you'd be welcome.

It is with these types of events that I ask of myself "What would Audrey Hepburn do?"

She would have written a letter, expressing her condolences warmly and sincerely, while confirming that he will find strength through his family - and especially his children - to move forward, even though the present may look grey. Audrey would have directed his energy to his loved ones, while trying to give him strength to do so. In particular, she would not impart any notion that she plays a part in his grief or his future salvation. The letter would be clear, absolute and final.

She would have arranged for it to be hand delivered by a courier. She would never have sent a text, which is informal and makes those who do omnipresent. The latter must be avoided.

He cheated on you constantly - why do you give a damn about what he thinks and want to waste your time on him?

Ignore your instinct, you are the ex partner of her husband, her death has nothing to do with you.
You can send your ex condolences but theres no need for anything else

I’d send a condolence card and make sure I talk to my DC about their feelings. A sudden death at what I assume is a relatively young age is always shocking, however you feel about the deceased or their spouse

Struggling to see why you’d want to go round or even really why you’re so upset - she doesn’t sound like a positive influence in your or your child’s life.
Send a card if you must, but otherwise keep out of it.

I wouldn’t do anything. She wasn’t nice to your daughter and your ex was serially unfaithful to you.

If things are civil between you now I’d put a condolence card through the door next week and offer to pick your DD up from the funeral (if she wants to go). Support your DD. Your ex doesn’t need bothering about.

Nothing. He will be contacted by lots of people over the next few weeks and some of them will have unpleasant motivations (the number of exes that crawled out of the woodwork to try and hit on me after my husband died was truly vile). Obviously that's not why you would be doing it, but you don't want to be misinterpreted and lumped in with them.

I would text him with condolences in a few days and say that when he's ready, you're happy to discuss how best to support your daughter.

OP it sounds like you're not over him.

It is concerning op that you likely would have done this if you hadn’t posted on mumsnet

I dread to think of scenarios where you haven’t asked mumsnet

A simple message saying 'I am sorry for your loss. Please do let me know if you need any help navigating this with Daughter'.
That is as far as your relationship should go with him.

I am going to write in the card that I want to respect his and her children’s privacy at this awful time.
Definitely do not write this. It is not about you. Main character syndrome.

I am going to write in the card that I want to respect his and her children’s privacy at this awful time.

But why on earth wouldn't you respect it? You aren't doing him a massive favour that needs pointing out.

You don't need to tell him this FFS, you just need to do it. It should be a given, frankly. He has his parents, her parents, her siblings and friends, her children, maybe they had shared children together.

He. Doesn't. Need. You. There. And probably doesn't want you there either.

He especially doesn't need you intimating that you think he needs you there, but out of respect for her family you are heroically agreeing to step into the background.

Do not thinking going round! Don’t even suggest it. Why on earth do you feel numb? Did you know her?

I wouldn’t go. He’s your ex and he’s just lost his wife, last need him or the children need is the ex wife turning up. Just send him a text saying “I’m sorry for your loss” or send him a card. Sounds like your ex isn’t the nicest of people anyway so I wouldn’t be giving him too much sympathy.