Ex’s wife has died

Perhaps old patterns of learnt behaviour are surfacing for you? Or in your heart of hearts you miss him? You had a shared history, a relationship and children that ended. Perhaps you didn't want it to? However he cheated on you and had moved on. It's ok to feel how you do. Also death of another immediately reminds us that it comes to us all, makes us think what if that was me? How would I feel? What would I want? But in this case unless you and the ex are best friends leave him alone.

Exactly this.

She's nothing to any of your family. And everything to another's.

Leave your ex's family alone you're like some weird hanger on with attachment issues. You aren't needed, but you're so desperate to be part of his life that you're even trying to justify your absence. There's no justification required. You aren't supposed to be there. It's nothing to do with you and your daughter barely sees your ex and couldn't stand the poor woman who's passed.

Leave them alone, have some dignity.

You overly invested in this poor woman’s death. Why’s it matter if your kid never even went round? Why are you assuming your daughter would feel bad? Just send him a card, you’re thinking of him and for him to reach out if he needs anything. Then go about your business.

It’s way too soon for anything.

I’m not really sure why you’d want to go and see him.
He’s busy with his family and the last thing him or his kids need is the ex trying to be part of if all.

Send a condolences card and leave it at that.

Your job is to focus on your DD and explain how her dad may be physically or emotionally unavailable for a little while.

Your ex's wife just died.
You don't like her
Your DD doesn't or didn't like her
Your ex in laws don't like her

Yet, your 'instincts' are telling you to go and be with your ex? what for? anybody with a brain will come to the conclusion your rushing to insert yourself back into his life. Fake offers of help with the kids etc

A sensible person will think, 'Oh, that's awful' a call to pass on your condolences and maybe arrange to have the kids while he gets himself together. Nothing more. You seem to think your physical presence is needed at his side for reasons only you can fathom and think everyone thinking you're trying to get back with him is 'grotesque'. Ok.

OP, please just keep out of it.

Your ex barely sees your daughter. In what will this poor woman’s death actually impact you?

Just get on with your day and leave the people who actually knew the poor woman to grieve.

This made me laugh.

I could imagine my DH's ex turning up with a roast dinner and a cake to make sure my DH didn't starve.

From what you have posted, it sounds like you didn't like her at all, and you don't like your ex much either.

It's therefore really hard to understand a good motive as to why you would want to go and see him immediately after her death, and very, very easy to think up unpleasant ones e.g.: you want to get back with him, or you want to rub it in his face that the life he made after you has fallen apart, and he should have stayed with you.

I'm not saying those are your motives, OP, but they make a much more coherent explanation than what you have been able to articulate, and so that is probably how people's minds will run.

Maybe the Mil went to see her granddaughter. Maybe the OP remained close to her mil when she split with her ex.

I don’t understand what is supposed to be odd here, this sort of shit happens all the time.

although this does remind me of my sister.. she had an affair, moved in with another man and after 2 years, her ex husband (although still married) died.

she attended the funeral as his wife, she greived as his wife. acted like his wife, even though she has been at war with him for 2 years and engaged to a different man!

people are odd

As you say, it isn’t about you. You’re not involved in this situation, don’t insert yourself into it.

I assume the OP was crying down the phone to her ex-MIL as she’s so very sad.

Ex MiL spent this afternoon with me. All very sad.

Why didn't she spend it with her grieving son?

Are you sure you don't still have feelings for him?

Your reaction is really odd IMO. I don't understand why you'd want to even send a card, let alone go to his house?

ask yourself why you feel the need to do anything? did you have a good relationship with your ex's wife? do you still have a good relationship with your ex?

my ex passed recently, all my pain and grief was for our children! but everyone assumed i was upset because i was still in love with my ex, which was entirely untrue.

If your children saw this woman as a 'step parent', direct your actions towards your children and not your ex.

this is a very strange story, just very odd

What a weird post 🙄

@Sayitagainmyl Because the op is the main character here. Her ex husband's wife has died. Obviously that means that her ex husband's mother should be supporting her

Yes. Why was your ex-MIL with you and not her son, who is the one actually bereaved?!

Really strange dynamics.

I think what's really confusing people here is that part of the picture is missing - how long have you been divorced, what is the relationship with him like?
Even in a relationship where you still get on enough to attend events amicably, kids birthday parties, maybe the odd bbq in the summer i can't think why your instinct would be to go round instead of text. Unless this is a cultural thing?

It’s got absolutely nothing to do with you. Keep out of it. If you happen to see him then of course say sorry for his loss but apart from that mind your own business

I thought the very same, unfinished business here!

I agree with others that a card is absolutely the right way to go, never mind what your instinct is saying.

But she made my daughter’s relationship with her father very difficult.
So did my dad's new wife, my dad and I barely spoke for 10 years because of her. Things improved immeasurably once his wife died. In your position I would do/say nothing, except maybe send a sympathies card. And hopefully your daughter will begin to enjoy a relationship with her dad again.