Ex’s wife has died

The fact he’s your ex and yet you want to go over. It’s not an outrageous suggestion given your post.

This does not mean I want him back and it is grotesque for people to think that.

“Grotesque” is going a bit far. I think people are just genuinely bewildered by your motivation here. Your daughter didn’t have a particularly good relationship with her, so it’s not about reassuring your ex that you’ll support your child through this. It doesn’t sound like your ex treated you very well, and nothing you’ve said suggests you’ve become friends, or even particularly friendly beyond standard co-parenting.

She was nothing to you - get you describe as “completely numb”. People are just trying to understand why you care at all, beyond the standard level of sadness that someone has died too young and left children behind.

Don’t be a grief thief. Just leave him to it. If he needs you, he’ll ask he won’t.

My god OP, stop. You’re trying to rationalise inappropriate feelings, simple as.

If my DH died and my ex knocked on my door I’d be livid till the end of my days - it would make me feel like I was being unfaithful.

I wouldn't really care tbh, especially not if she helped make the father daughter relationship difficult.

Say nothing and do nothing, no need to get involved

Send a text saying "heard the news, hope you're ok" and leave it at that.

I would do this.

Henry VIII themed card? He has a divorced and a died.

Listen to your brain, this isn’t about you so if you want to do anything just send a card (which I read you’re going to do) or a text. Imagine if everyone who heard the news turned up on his and his children’s doorstep, it would be far to much and intrusive. No more is needed from you, ex will have family and friends to help him. The only thing you need to do is make sure your DD is ok.

EOW - you assume? That’s a bery bold assumption when OP said here that her daughter doesn’t see her dad often at all. She also has previous posts saying her daughter refused for over 9 months to even visit her father.

Rushing back to “comfort” the ex who clearly has repeatedly let DD down? Nah. OP is inserting herself where she does not belong when she should be focused on DD.

It would be weird in the OP's case. Not many people just turn up at a bereaved person's house if they are not really close. OP just needs to send a text or a card if she wants to do anything.

That can be done by text though and the OP has said that the relationship between her DD and her ex was strained and she rarely went there. If there isn't much relationship between the child and her father there is even less reason for the OP to need to involve herself.

His wife dies and his ex wife is on the scene in a matter of days.

The thing is, they have a child together.
Who still goes there EOW (I assume).

So yes, having the ex on the scene in a matter of days is to be expected. If only for that. If only to say ‘appreciate it’s a hard time for you. Do you want dd to come or would you prefer she stays at home with me’

If they had no link what so ever, then yes, it would be really weird. But they do.

It wouldn't look good.

His wife dies and his ex wife is on the scene in a matter of days.

Let him grieve.

I would send a text offering condolences and letting him know you are there if he needs anything.

Send a handwritten card saying you are very sorry for his loss and would be glad to see him if he’d like that. Don’t go round , it’s too soon.

My mother-in-law inserted herself into the situation when my father-in-law's 2nd wife died, and all she did was upset everyone including her own sons.
Send condolence, then just be there if anyone needs you.

Gosh, I’ve just done this and realised which poster it is. The idea that they would want to be there for this man is even more unbelievable now.

Massive main character/drama/grief vulture.

Don't do anything except support your daughter if she needs it. Why would you?

This all sounds very empath / grief vampire to me. Support your daughter and let your ex-MIL Support her son and his family.

Send a sympathy card and do nothing else.

The man chose this woman and her feelings over his own child.Fuck him and her.You owe them both nothing.

@CrispyDosa

Send a generic, not 'soppy', sympathy card and sign it "My condolences on your loss, CrispyDosa". That's it. No visits, no texts or phone calls. If he feels he needs to speak to you, let him make that move.

Do not attend the funeral unless your DD specifically requests that you support her. And don't force or encourage her to go if she doesn't want to.

Not sure why you'd feel that you need to do anything tbh? He's your ex and is likely being supported by his own friends and family.

My honest thoughts are that your ex & her family won’t want you there . It’s not your place to be with your ex and it’ll probably be awkward for those who are grieving
. Stay at home and look after your daughter , she’s your priority

A sudden death is a horrendous shock and tbh you visiting wouldn’t help at all simply because nothing will help in these very early days.
They’ll have doctors, coroners office, funeral directors and a hundred other things to do, papers to find, honestly it’s a nightmare situation.
What helped me was people sending condolences, just saying they were thinking of me. I really couldn’t cope with visitors.
Just a card offering your condolences and saying they are in your thoughts is the best thing you can do right now.