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Original poster

Ex’s wife has died

260 replies

CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 16:52

Just that my ex’s wife died very suddenly yesterday.

I don’t know what to think or do.

Husband was constantly unfaithful but she was not the other woman but she made my daughter’s relationship with her father very difficult. Obviously he was culpable too.

My ex in-laws found her very intrusive.

I want to drive to the house and see him but don’t know how I will be greeted. I don’t care for myself but wouldn’t want to upset him or her kids.

it obviously isn’t about me or even my daughter but I am completely numb and don’t know what to do.

What would you do?

OP posts:
0ctavia · 04/03/2025 17:23

Just send a card, that’s enough. This is not about you.

What does your daughter want to do? does she need support from you ?

I assume you are not trying to get back together with him? And even if you are , this REALLY is not the time.

TomatoSandwiches · 04/03/2025 17:23

I think I'd take the lead from your DD tbh, send the card via MIL is ok enough and leave it at that.

SunnieShine · 04/03/2025 17:23

Are you hoping to get back with him?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/03/2025 17:22

In the nicest possible way, are you trying to rescue him? This is his issue to cope with. You are not his partner and your intentions could be misunderstood.

Longingforspringtime · 04/03/2025 17:22

My ex husband's wife died and he wanted my support for him and their DD. He asked me and my DH to go to the funeral and we helped with the wake etc. A message is a good idea and ask if he wants any help.

Original poster
CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 17:21

She and my daughter did not have a good relationship. My daughter seems frankly indifferent and doesn’t want to talk about it.

I am sending a card via my ex MiL.

OP posts:
minnienono · 04/03/2025 17:19

Send a text saying you are so sorry and thinking about him, send a card in the mail

Hwi · 04/03/2025 17:19

Keep away, nothing to do with you.

sandyhappypeople · 04/03/2025 17:19

Were you close with your ex and/or his wife? I would say it's a weird response to go round there where her children presumably live?

Definitely don't go round.

Buddhalover · 04/03/2025 17:18

I don't think it's really appropriate tbh, for you to turn up at the house. A simple sympathy card would suffice just offering your condolences.

Chillilounger · 04/03/2025 17:18

I would go with a care package and card and see how he reacts. You'll be able to tell if he needs the company or if he just wants to be left alone ( in which case you have paid respects in person).

AgnesXNitt · 04/03/2025 17:17

If I were to die the last thing my DH would want would be his ex turning up at the door and we actually have a very cordial, pleasant relationship and great relationships all round with the adult DC. She, however, doesn't feature as a "support" person in his life and I'd say the same applies equally for her. Please don't land at his door.

Edited to add: she would ofcourse be welcome at a funeral and attended DFIL's but she is not close family to my DH anymore and he would find it stressful if she appeared at the house.

crashbandicooty · 04/03/2025 17:14

I can't think of anything worse, in a situation where my DH had just died, than my XH turning up at my house. Why would you do this?

Sebella · 04/03/2025 17:13

CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 17:07

My instinct is telling me to go and see him but my brain is telling me that this would disturb her children.

I think I will text him.

I can imagine you are in shock and this is not a clear path to navigate.

Hold back. Step away. Look out for your DD who may need comforting right now and who's relationship with her DF will become more complex as he grieves.

Let the dust settle - focus on your DD for the foreseeable.

Chuchoter · 04/03/2025 17:11

It's absolutely nothing to do with you.

WilmaTitsDrop · 04/03/2025 17:11

CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 17:07

My instinct is telling me to go and see him but my brain is telling me that this would disturb her children.

I think I will text him.

Yes, texting would be the obvious choice.

He's probably got a whole houseful right now.

SheridansPortSalut · 04/03/2025 17:10

Do nothing for now.

Bluenotgreen · 04/03/2025 17:08

Why would you go to their home?

I would stay out of it to be honest. Send a card or text but leave it at that.

Original poster
CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 17:07

My instinct is telling me to go and see him but my brain is telling me that this would disturb her children.

I think I will text him.

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 04/03/2025 17:06

If it was my ex I'd speak to our children and see what they thought. But if he marries his gf and she dies, I'd not be doing much as I'd be living a long way away by then and plan to not speak to him once I move.

Chasingsquirrels · 04/03/2025 17:02

My exH (father of my children so ongoing involvement) sent a condolences card when my late-DH died, and wrote some lovely comments about him. It was much appreciated, but I wouldn't have wanted anything more.

WilmaTitsDrop · 04/03/2025 17:02

You can't just drive to his house.

Obviously you'd need to speak to him/message him first to see if he wants you to.

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 04/03/2025 17:01

I mean, kindly, it’s surely got nothing to do with you? I don’t mean ‘back off, I just mean that it’s unfortunate, but not much more unfortunate than any other death that is someone you barely know.

How old is your daughter? How has she been impacted by her relationship with her dad being made ‘very difficult’? Does she have contact?

Wingedharpy · 04/03/2025 17:00

Send message of condolence via text or email.
He probably won't know which way is up at the moment so, personally, I would not turn up in person unannounced.

TwistedWonder · 04/03/2025 16:59

Message offering condolences and say he knows where you are if he needs anything.

And leave it at that

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