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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable in this visiting disagreement?

56 replies

WhatFreshHellisThese · 04/03/2025 15:44

Annie saw that a theatre production she liked was playing in a city she often visits and booked herself some tickets for it. Annie told Belinda she would be in her city (Annie and Belinda live in different cities) and advised she would be visiting from X date to Y date. Annie suggested she would book herself into a B+B near Belinda’s house for part of her visit so she could visit Belinda. Belinda said ok, just to let you know that is the day after a big deadline for my course. You will need to take us as you find us! Annie ended up not catching up with Belinda during the trip, as she thought Belinda was rude and unwelcoming towards her. Annie thinks Belinda was rude and ill mannered, especially as she never updated her that the part of the visit to Belinda wasn’t happening.

There was a similar situation about a year or so ago. Then as now, Annie thinks Belinda needs to be more flexible. Belinda thinks Annie needs to check if people are available before booking to visit them so they can plan.

Feel free to ask if more information is required. I will update later on about if l am Annie, Belinda or someone else

YABU means you think Annie is being unreasonable
YANBU means you think Belinda is being unreasonable

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Original poster
WhatFreshHellisThese · 10/03/2025 12:20

@DaisyChain505 all good advice thank you. I can't change her behavior, just the way l react to it as the saying goes.

I could provide a long list of examples of her being unreasonable and behaving badly e.g. -her being annoyed we told her she couldn't stay at our house the night of our wedding. We were going on honeymoon on another day and wanted it to be just the 2 of us
-her taking my dads ashes hostage so my siblings and l couldn't scatter them. They had split up over 15 years before his death
-Her trying to make me take my brother when he moved away to university. I couldn't drive and didn't have a car at that point

Funnily enough l talked through the situation with some friends and "exhausting" was what a lot of them said about it all

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DaisyChain505 · 10/03/2025 11:55

WhatFreshHellisThese · 10/03/2025 11:52

She really really hates boundaries! I will be asking for an explanation and an apology. Which she will HATE and most definitely will cause her to double down

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Sometimes you have to just accept that you will never get through to a person or be able to make them see how bad their behaviour is.

Sometimes you have to just send a clear message that what they’re doing is acceptable and you’re not entertaining it and leave them to it.

It must be exhausting constantly trying to not rock the boat and then when you do, having to over explain yourself knowing they she’ll never see her wrong doing.

Just because she’s your mother doesn’t mean you have to just accept the way she treats you. You don’t have to jump to no contact with her but also you don’t need to be making your life hell by trying to please someone who can’t be pleased.

Original poster
WhatFreshHellisThese · 10/03/2025 11:52

DaisyChain505 · 05/03/2025 10:25

Just because she’s your mother doesn’t mean you have to put up with this toxic behaviour.

Don’t be afraid to set boundaries and don’t feel guilty or like you have to over explain yourself when she behaves like this.

If you know yourself that you have been fair and haven’t done anything wrong just remind yourself of that and let her continue with her tantrum.

She really really hates boundaries! I will be asking for an explanation and an apology. Which she will HATE and most definitely will cause her to double down

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Original poster
WhatFreshHellisThese · 10/03/2025 11:50

fruitbrewhaha · 05/03/2025 10:03

Holy shit. No, your mother is not supposed to behave like this. The correct answer from her would have been “what can I do to help?”.

Sorry, you have shit mother.

Thanks. She's very good at being unreasonable and then painting you as the one who is being unreasonable

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ExIssues · 05/03/2025 10:29

They're both oversensitive. This is a non event. Poor communication all round.

Annie should have said she was thinking of meeting up on X date. Not presented it as an arrangement that belinda had to fit in with. Belinda should have said no if not convenient. Not a half arsed "come if you must". Then they should have both communicated about the details well in advance so they Belinda knew if Annie was coming.

DaisyChain505 · 05/03/2025 10:25

Just because she’s your mother doesn’t mean you have to put up with this toxic behaviour.

Don’t be afraid to set boundaries and don’t feel guilty or like you have to over explain yourself when she behaves like this.

If you know yourself that you have been fair and haven’t done anything wrong just remind yourself of that and let her continue with her tantrum.

fruitbrewhaha · 05/03/2025 10:03

Holy shit. No, your mother is not supposed to behave like this. The correct answer from her would have been “what can I do to help?”.

Sorry, you have shit mother.

Original poster
WhatFreshHellisThese · 05/03/2025 09:12

@WiddlinDiddlin yes, sorry for the confusion with the names. I didn't change the plan no. Sourced food from Cook and was planning a speed clean of the house

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Original poster
WhatFreshHellisThese · 05/03/2025 08:06

It IS a long production with many dates

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Original poster
WhatFreshHellisThese · 05/03/2025 07:59

@AuntAgathaGregson good question. Zero thought given to me re theatre tickets and it is the kind of thing l would want to see. She will have known this. So l was good enough to host but not do the theatre. It's not a long production so we could have picked a date after my deadline

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WiddlinDiddlin · 04/03/2025 22:23

I think you've got your Annies and Belindas mixed up at the end of that, surely it was Annie who did not let Belinda know she wasn't bothering to pop round, Belinda had no updates to give, she didn't change the plan.

Annies a bellend of the highest order - she announces her visit without asking if its convenient, and has only arranged it because it is convenient to her, fitting in with her existing plans, that Belinda is not a part of.

Then she gets the hump that Belinda won't be rolling out the red carpet because its her first day after working towards a huge deadline.

Then she (I assume, given confusion in OP) doesn't even tell Belinda she isn't bothering to come round just doesn't turn up...

Annie is a dick.

AuntAgathaGregson · 04/03/2025 22:22

WhatFreshHellisThese · 04/03/2025 21:46

Basically this Annie would have rocked up expecting the full red carpet treatment with spotless house, garden like something from RHS and a 3 course meal. In reality l would be sleep deprived and burned out! She knows full well l work full time, have 2 year old toddlers and had an imminent deadline. Annie likes to be hosted and will be unhappy with the state of play

There a fair few back stories of Annie doing this time and again. About 10 years ago she rang me up to enquire about staying in a few weekends time. I said fine to come but l have plans for the Saturday night as it's a friends big birthday night out. She screamed at me, shouted at me, swore and then smashed the phone down

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I think the screaming and shouting would have been the end of the friendship there and then for me. You must be extremely tolerant.

As a matter of interest,did Annie ask you if you wanted a ticket for the theatre show?

takealettermsjones · 04/03/2025 22:14

WhatFreshHellisThese · 04/03/2025 22:11

@takealettermsjones l thought the mum thing might muddy the waters! It doesn't help that some of her beliefs include she knows best and l should respect her as she's my mother. I don't agree with those things and her behaviour makes it difficult

No I get it, it probably would have done! 😂 To be fair, I probably would overlook more bad behaviour from my mother than I would a friend, so I can see now why you didn't cut her off after the previous incident!

Original poster
WhatFreshHellisThese · 04/03/2025 22:11

@takealettermsjones l thought the mum thing might muddy the waters! It doesn't help that some of her beliefs include she knows best and l should respect her as she's my mother. I don't agree with those things and her behaviour makes it difficult

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Ponderingwindow · 04/03/2025 22:06

I’m too polite to type the phrase I uttered about Annie as I read the OP.

Annie needs to check dates before making plans in the future. People have busy lives and are not always available on demand.

Snowmanscarf · 04/03/2025 22:05

Annie shouldn’t assume she can just rock up at peoples houses whenever she wants. She should check first whenever it’s convenient to visit.

Belinda wasn’t being rude, but honest . She didn’t say that she couldn’t come, just that the house may May be a bit if a mess .

( Annie sounds like someone I know who would assume that they can stay at anyone’s house, anytime, and even’s friends in-laws who they’ve barely met, if in-laws live in a city they want to visit)

Original poster
WhatFreshHellisThese · 04/03/2025 22:03

Projectme · 04/03/2025 17:45

if this is a true reflection of what was said and done then Annie is being unreasonable. Guessing you're Belinda OP.

Pretty much. Bar the bit where she said l was harsh, spoke to her like a child and lm mean

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Original poster
WhatFreshHellisThese · 04/03/2025 22:02

Moveoverdarlin · 04/03/2025 17:42

Annie thinks the world revolves around her. Belinda thinks Annie is a twat and made up some bullshit deadline to try and put her off visiting. Annie didn’t take the hint.

Wish it was a bullshit deadline. It was the bane of my life!

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Original poster
WhatFreshHellisThese · 04/03/2025 22:01

Naunet · 04/03/2025 17:01

Annie sounds like a bit of a self important twat.

🤣🤣🤣 she just won't plan ahead and discuss. Next time lm probably not going to get into a debate and just say "lm at work that / those days" or "l have a few days off at the end of July?".

The 2nd to last time she did this l was at work. I suggested doing after work but that was "too late" apparently (l finish work at 530pm)

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Original poster
WhatFreshHellisThese · 04/03/2025 21:58

TomatoSandwiches · 04/03/2025 16:35

Annie sounds like hard work.

Yep. Hilarious thing is she's loves to say "lm dead laidback me". It kills my husband when she says that

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takealettermsjones · 04/03/2025 21:57

WhatFreshHellisThese · 04/03/2025 21:54

@ArtTheClownIsNotAMime I get what you mean but she's my mother 🙄

😯😯😯 Plot twist!!

Original poster
WhatFreshHellisThese · 04/03/2025 21:56

@AFairDistance she's my mum. We are LC. There have been big phases of us not speaking due to her behaviour

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AFairDistance · 04/03/2025 21:55

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 04/03/2025 21:50

I will never understand why so many people on MN have "friends" that they don't like or who treat them like shit. Or both in this case.

Yes, it’s the single oddest thing about Mn.

OP, the only mysterious thing here is why you appear to have renewed a friendship with someone who’d previously invited herself to stay at short notice and screamed and swore at you when you said you had plans for one night. I mean, did she grovel, apologise profusely and say she’d been taking drugs?

Original poster
WhatFreshHellisThese · 04/03/2025 21:54

@ArtTheClownIsNotAMime I get what you mean but she's my mother 🙄

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Original poster
WhatFreshHellisThese · 04/03/2025 21:52

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 04/03/2025 15:59

Annie was definitely being unreasonable, taking umbrage when Belinda advised her that she would be happy for her to visit, but to be prepared to take her as she found her because she's been busy. She dropped the visit on Belinda, just expecting her to be free, and then, even though Belinda didn't say that she wasn't free, simply warned her that things were a bit messy, she cancelled her visit, and didn't even let her know. If I were Annie, I'd be wondering if Belinda was the friend I thought she was.

So, who are you OP?

I'm Belinda. I had tried to smoothie the whole thing over before the know show. One of the things l did was text:

know that we live far apart and it is this l have in mind when l am asking you to co-ordinate with me. It makes it better for everyone. It becomes a problem when we have work / childminder or other prior commitments x

I have reminded her a few times l have limited annual leave and childcare is fixed so l can't just cancel last minute

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