Is this abuse | Mumsnet

Coffeecupsmiles · 2025-03-04T14:58:48+00:00

Just to give an outline, DH insisted on sitting in bathroom to watch me shower in early stage of relationship. Also watching me apply makeup, and although it seemed a bit intense he said he loved me so much he just liked watching me, to the point he would be disappointed in me if Id gone ahead without him there. I've realised now that it was a bit strange, although this was the start of the relationship and he seemed to to really care about me. He changed a lot once married and began criticising and blowing up if he wasnt happy about something or if I disagree with him. Now that I am more aware of things I don't feel comfortable with him watching me and he has said he wants to see me get undressed again etc. like it was before. In the early days he used to suggest we should all be able to walk about naked at home (at the time I had 2 teenage DD from previous marriage) which I said wasnt appropriate with my DDs there, and I recently remembered (coming into awareness of stuff) and I questioned him about this and he furiously denied ever saying it. He showed me so much attention in the early years that I didn't realise it was quite controlling. He showed a lot of interest in what I wore, and realise now that by doing this he chose everything I bought as he always came shopping saying he loved helping. At home, he would suggest outfits for each event etc. He would suggest I put my hair up etc. Fast forward 20 years and I'm still stuck trying to make sense of it all although the early behaviours have been replaced with others, as I've begun to challenge them but it feels relentless. I feel anxious around him all the time but when I mentioned this he said it's my trauma from my past making me fearful (DV in childhood and previous marriage) when I don't need to be. There's constant pressure about virtually everything even having a cup of coffee, and I'm left wondering if my PTSD is causing me to think this way or if this relationship has caused the PTSD. Despite my previous trauma it does feel like this level of anxiety and fearfulness has happened in this relationship but I keep wondering if it's my fault for being so naive in the first place.

Original poster

Coffeecupsmiles · 05/03/2025 15:08

ConnieSlow · 05/03/2025 13:42

So you went through DV in your previous relationship and you thought this was a good man to bring around your teenage daughters?? I'm very certain that they have a few stories to tell you too.

Thank you for your comments. After childhood SA within my family and the previous DV marriage unfortunately I had no sense of a healthy relationship so I wasn't aware this man was also abusive until recent years. He's very charming and helpful (was keen to support me with the children in early years) which has confused me so much as i wasnt used to having any help or someone saying they loved me. The more ive become aware, and felt unhappy, the harder I've tried to get him to understand what I'm unhappy about, which I understand is common for survivors of CSA (who often have high levels of tolerance), but i know now he has minimised, ignored, confused and gaslighted me everytime, making me feel like the problem for raising the issues. As things have got worse, Ive told him I'm uncomfortable with the physical side of things, and he has just increased the pressure, responding with more rage, arguments and shame, and even said by not complying 'I'm controlling him', and its 'screwing him up'. He is a 'pillar of the community' well known and respected. This all adds to my sense of being trapped. I share your concerns about my DDs and I live with this and the repercussions that his behaviour has potentially had for them. It haunts me that I was so blind. I recently discovered I'm autistic and I now understand I'm naturally naive, and have a lot of relationship vulnerabilities, but I will forever live with the shame of my mistakes and the price my children may have paid.

OP posts:

Original poster

Coffeecupsmiles · 05/03/2025 13:46

WhatAliceSaid · 05/03/2025 09:52

Boundary's don’t work with abusers. Neither does trying to get them to see your point of veiw. They know exactly what they’re doing. You need to leave asap even if it means staying temporarily with your daughter. Housing issues and legal stuff can be sorted out once you’re away.

You cannot think straight when you’re dealing with that level of anxiety. Abusers know this. Your marriage is finished, there’s no coming back from what he’s done. You don’t have to stay in the same house and earn your way out of the marriage. You can just leave.

Thank you, I know you're right. I need to get some more advice from womens aid although I'm waiting for a support worker from there to help me get out, I can see it might need to happen quicker, because I know I am really struggling mentally having spent years trying to set boundaries and trying to get him to understand, it hits hard reading that he knows what he's doing but it makes sense 😞

OP posts:

toomuchfaff · 05/03/2025 13:42

Coffeecupsmiles · 05/03/2025 13:39

Thank you so much for your feedback which I found really helpful, and I completed the quiz with a score of 67 (it says anything over 5 indicates abuse). Thank you x

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That gives you something concrete, its not peoples opinions, it's an organisation dedicated to this very topic.

I have started using chatgpt to ask for ideas to help (mine isn't abuse it's another topic), it gives you a wealth of advice at your fingertips, and offers you ability to refine the advice for your specific scenario.

ConnieSlow · 05/03/2025 13:42

So you went through DV in your previous relationship and you thought this was a good man to bring around your teenage daughters?? I'm very certain that they have a few stories to tell you too.

Original poster

Coffeecupsmiles · 05/03/2025 13:39

toomuchfaff · 05/03/2025 07:56

https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?%3E

This test is handy to do, a lot of the questions i didn't even think about clothes and dressing but its on there. The reason you feel anxious and eggshells is your subconcious brain knows its not right, but you hadn't caught up. Now you have. Get yourself out of there. It won't change, it won't become livable. You won't fix it.

Thank you so much for your feedback which I found really helpful, and I completed the quiz with a score of 67 (it says anything over 5 indicates abuse). Thank you x

OP posts:

WhatAliceSaid · 05/03/2025 09:52

Boundary's don’t work with abusers. Neither does trying to get them to see your point of veiw. They know exactly what they’re doing. You need to leave asap even if it means staying temporarily with your daughter. Housing issues and legal stuff can be sorted out once you’re away.

You cannot think straight when you’re dealing with that level of anxiety. Abusers know this. Your marriage is finished, there’s no coming back from what he’s done. You don’t have to stay in the same house and earn your way out of the marriage. You can just leave.

crossstitchingnana · 05/03/2025 08:05

It definitely sounds abusive. It's not healthy to feel anxious around your partner.

toomuchfaff · 05/03/2025 07:56

https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?%3E

This test is handy to do, a lot of the questions i didn't even think about clothes and dressing but its on there. The reason you feel anxious and eggshells is your subconcious brain knows its not right, but you hadn't caught up. Now you have. Get yourself out of there. It won't change, it won't become livable. You won't fix it.

Original poster

Coffeecupsmiles · 04/03/2025 17:43

DazedDragon · 04/03/2025 16:59

This is VERY controlling and manipulative behaviour.

Definitely have a chat to women's aid to see if they can offer you support.

It's quite common that people that have been in an abusive situation are then pulled towards someone else with similar character traits.

If if he suggested you wore a particular outfit, and you said "no, actually I think I'll wear this one today!", what would his response be.

LISTEN to your daughters. They will be able to speak the truth about what they see.

Thank you. It causes a lot of tension if I disagree with anything, his responses include the silent treatment. I'm no longer wearing what he suggests, this was in the early years, but I've realised that any boundary I've set becomes irrelevant because he keeps creating the same dynamics with everything.

OP posts:

DazedDragon · 04/03/2025 16:59

This is VERY controlling and manipulative behaviour.

Definitely have a chat to women's aid to see if they can offer you support.

It's quite common that people that have been in an abusive situation are then pulled towards someone else with similar character traits.

If if he suggested you wore a particular outfit, and you said "no, actually I think I'll wear this one today!", what would his response be.

LISTEN to your daughters. They will be able to speak the truth about what they see.

Original poster

Coffeecupsmiles · 04/03/2025 16:26

Maitri108 · 04/03/2025 16:21

No problem. You can chat to Refuge and double check how you're feeling. It really helps to have a professional tell you what's going on. They're open till 10pm.

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Thank you Maitri108 🌸

OP posts:

Original poster

Coffeecupsmiles · 04/03/2025 16:22

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 04/03/2025 16:15

OP, I'm so sorry that you've gone from one type of abuser to another, and totally get why you didn't realise immediately what was going on. It was easy for him to fool you into thinking he wanted you to do these things for him, because he kept telling you how much he loved you, but in actual fact, he was controlling you, people like this are extremely clever, so please don't feel that you should have seen it.

Sadly, my DD is with a man like this, who has alienated her from all of her friends, and as much of the family as he could manage. We see him for what he is, and I even liked him initially, as he seemed so respectful and caring towards me, and my daughter, but then when challenged about anything, the facade drops and you see the real him! They have been together for about 10 years now, and she still doesn't see it. The fact that you've been with your abuser for more than 20 years, and are finally seeing his behaviour for what it is, gives me hope that one day she will free herself from him, so thank you for sharing your situation.

Please follow all the advice given and get yourself away from him as soon as you possibly can, although as another poster said, it is likely to take time, as you've become so used to doing as he wishes, that it's hard to break the habit. I wish you all the best, and do please keep coming back to tell us how things are going.

I'm sorry to hear about your DDs experience and hoping one day things will be better for her ❤ thank you for your encouragement

OP posts:

Maitri108 · 04/03/2025 16:21

Coffeecupsmiles · 04/03/2025 16:18

I think you're right, it took a long time for me to realise this, thank you 😊

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No problem. You can chat to Refuge and double check how you're feeling. It really helps to have a professional tell you what's going on. They're open till 10pm.

Use our chatbot - National Domestic Abuse Helpline

We understand it can be difficult to pick up the phone. You can use Refuge's live chat service to talk to our expert, all-female team.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/chat-to-us-online/

Original poster

Coffeecupsmiles · 04/03/2025 16:18

Maitri108 · 04/03/2025 16:13

OP he's very controlling, please don't doubt yourself.

Stop challenging him as there's no point and it only winds him up. You're wasting energy trying to change him or get him to understand you; he doesn't care and he won't change.

He may escalate if you tell him you want to leave so keep any plans to yourself. You need advice on how to leave safely.

I think you're right, it took a long time for me to realise this, thank you 😊

OP posts:

Original poster

Coffeecupsmiles · 04/03/2025 16:15

Endofyear · 04/03/2025 16:01

It's controlling and emotional abuse. You should be able to feel safe and comfortable in your own home, have privacy in the bathroom and agency over what you choose to buy and wear. Men who want to choose their wives clothing and tag along when they're shopping give me the creeps. I suspect the behaviour you've described is the tip of the iceberg.

The fact that he tries to make it difficult for you to see your family is disturbing. He is trying to isolate you so that he has more control over you.

You do need to leave. Women's Aid will be able to advise you how to do this safely. Once you've made the break, you need to see a solicitor. Get your essential documents and valuables together (passport, certificates, insurance etc) and take them somewhere safe, out of the house (leave them with a friend or your daughter)

Good luck OP, you really do need to get away from this man 💐

Thank you. I think it feels so difficult to move forwards because I've been here before and never imagined I'd be here again and feel I've lost another 20 years, and it's hard to see the wood for the trees. Also every time i think ive created a boundary it just seems to increase the tension so I can see that boundary setting although helpful isnt working as it's intended. Thank you, I will keep going 😊🙏

OP posts:

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 04/03/2025 16:15

OP, I'm so sorry that you've gone from one type of abuser to another, and totally get why you didn't realise immediately what was going on. It was easy for him to fool you into thinking he wanted you to do these things for him, because he kept telling you how much he loved you, but in actual fact, he was controlling you, people like this are extremely clever, so please don't feel that you should have seen it.

Sadly, my DD is with a man like this, who has alienated her from all of her friends, and as much of the family as he could manage. We see him for what he is, and I even liked him initially, as he seemed so respectful and caring towards me, and my daughter, but then when challenged about anything, the facade drops and you see the real him! They have been together for about 10 years now, and she still doesn't see it. The fact that you've been with your abuser for more than 20 years, and are finally seeing his behaviour for what it is, gives me hope that one day she will free herself from him, so thank you for sharing your situation.

Please follow all the advice given and get yourself away from him as soon as you possibly can, although as another poster said, it is likely to take time, as you've become so used to doing as he wishes, that it's hard to break the habit. I wish you all the best, and do please keep coming back to tell us how things are going.

Maitri108 · 04/03/2025 16:13

OP he's very controlling, please don't doubt yourself.

Stop challenging him as there's no point and it only winds him up. You're wasting energy trying to change him or get him to understand you; he doesn't care and he won't change.

He may escalate if you tell him you want to leave so keep any plans to yourself. You need advice on how to leave safely.

Endofyear · 04/03/2025 16:01

It's controlling and emotional abuse. You should be able to feel safe and comfortable in your own home, have privacy in the bathroom and agency over what you choose to buy and wear. Men who want to choose their wives clothing and tag along when they're shopping give me the creeps. I suspect the behaviour you've described is the tip of the iceberg.

The fact that he tries to make it difficult for you to see your family is disturbing. He is trying to isolate you so that he has more control over you.

You do need to leave. Women's Aid will be able to advise you how to do this safely. Once you've made the break, you need to see a solicitor. Get your essential documents and valuables together (passport, certificates, insurance etc) and take them somewhere safe, out of the house (leave them with a friend or your daughter)

Good luck OP, you really do need to get away from this man 💐

Original poster

Coffeecupsmiles · 04/03/2025 15:42

wheretoyougonow · 04/03/2025 15:36

You are going to work with Woman's Aid, you've been open with your daughters and you are going to counselling.

You are doing brilliantly and I think really you already know this is an abusive and unhappy relationship. Stay strong - you're doing the right things to get to a happier and abusive free life.

Thank you 😊 🙏

OP posts:

Original poster

Coffeecupsmiles · 04/03/2025 15:41

PocketSand · 04/03/2025 15:29

It makes perfect sense that you would go from a physically abusive relationship to an emotionally abusive one - and think it was love rather than abuse.

You can leave any time you need to and your daughters may make this possible.

But you can also emotionally disentangle even if you can't physically leave for now. So that you can leave. It has been a long relationship. It will take time. The freedom programme can help you. Nothing dramatic but slow and steady. Til you're ready.

Thank you 😊 🙏

OP posts:

PocketSand · 04/03/2025 15:41

I went to women's aid long ago and they were fantastic. I had a young child and they offered a place in a refuge.

I stupidly stayed.

Refuge places are not offered forever and as places are limited they are rightly given to women with young DC.

The freedom programme might be your best bet and far more useful than therapy when it comes to escaping abuse.

Original poster

Coffeecupsmiles · 04/03/2025 15:40

GildedRage · 04/03/2025 15:29

Whether the voyerism was abusive or the dress suggestions crossing the line, including the flipping anger doesn’t matter as much as the fact you now feel anxious and are walking on egg shells.
How you go forward depends on your strength and support.
The freedom program seems like a good start.
I’d begin setting my boundaries; “I’ll undress for you when we’re making love, but I will shower in peace” etc.
Do you want to continue living together?

Yes it's constant eggshells. He's very helpful around the house (which feels confusing) but it's done in an aggressive way that feels intimidating and creates a power dynamic that is making new feel worse by the day. I need to leave.

OP posts:

wheretoyougonow · 04/03/2025 15:36

You are going to work with Woman's Aid, you've been open with your daughters and you are going to counselling.

You are doing brilliantly and I think really you already know this is an abusive and unhappy relationship. Stay strong - you're doing the right things to get to a happier and abusive free life.

PocketSand · 04/03/2025 15:29

It makes perfect sense that you would go from a physically abusive relationship to an emotionally abusive one - and think it was love rather than abuse.

You can leave any time you need to and your daughters may make this possible.

But you can also emotionally disentangle even if you can't physically leave for now. So that you can leave. It has been a long relationship. It will take time. The freedom programme can help you. Nothing dramatic but slow and steady. Til you're ready.

GildedRage · 04/03/2025 15:29

Whether the voyerism was abusive or the dress suggestions crossing the line, including the flipping anger doesn’t matter as much as the fact you now feel anxious and are walking on egg shells.
How you go forward depends on your strength and support.
The freedom program seems like a good start.
I’d begin setting my boundaries; “I’ll undress for you when we’re making love, but I will shower in peace” etc.
Do you want to continue living together?