I think SS is hurting my baby

Then make sure he doesn't know where the camera is. I think the pp idea of ring camera, stand outside the door and rush in if it looks like anything untoward is going on.

But he could be her child and most decent step parents try and treat SC as their own. So I ask again, if it was your 6 year old hurting your baby, what would you do?

What is the point of this whataboutery?

The op wants a solution to a real life situation, not made up nonsense.

Why is a 6 year old left unsupervised with a baby. Sorry but this is on the adults in charge.

I would put the baby in a play pen so if he wanted to hurt her he would have to physically go in to pull her out.

I would also tell him you have cameras in the house as the baby keeps hurting herself and you are trying to work out why and does he know anything about it. You will know by looking at face whether he is lying or not.

But he could be her child and most decent step parents try and treat SC as their own. So I ask again, if it was your 6 year old hurting your baby, what would you do?

There’s nothing wrong with hidden cameras. You need to know whether he is trying to hurt her or not. He might not have hurt her.

Supervising him doesn’t address the underlying issues.

This.

you also need a “no touching” rule for him and a consequence every time he breaks that rule irrespective of whether it’s a gentle touch or not. he needs no learn no contact for now.

You need 2 parents in the room in general.
if one of you needs to leave baby goes with them (eg to toilet). If you for SOME reason are left alone with all of them you need to be physically holding the baby.

At not-yet-3 my dd knows pushing and hitting baby is wrong / naughty. At 6 he knows full well this is wrong.

i feel for you as this must be really upsetting but you need to get some very firm, very clear and very consistent rules and boundaries in place now.

i really recommend the “pilot system” essentialLay you or your husband is in charge of the baby at any one time. When you are in charge you literally say “I’m handing the baby over to you now. You are in charge of the baby okay?” And he says “yes” he then is in charge until he or you verbally confirm you are watching the baby again. This stops the we were both in the room but our attention was elsewhere.
if you are with the baby and water gets spilled. He is clearing it up .”- you are with the baby.
if you are solo the bigger kids clear it themselves or you do it in your own time while still focusing on the baby.

the lying don’t waste your time getting into it.
just say these are the new house rules and you can have different rules for each of the kids and even “rules with consequences” for the parents so it seems fair.

eg no shouting for dad. If he shouts he has to play kids game of choice for 15 mins etc

@Epilepsystruggle

Aha. An exorcism. Right you are. Good luck with getting one of those on the NHS.

It must be very difficult, OP. I do understand that you want to protect your baby but that said, your step-son is also yours and you need to look out for him too.

Can I ask you this? If your step-son were your biological child and everything else was the same. How would you handle this? What would you do as his mother? I think that is what you need to do - with his Dad's agreement - both of your as parents of this little boy because that is what you also are.

You say that his Mum is permissive and that your relationship isn't the best but your husband will have to do what's needed to help his young son come to safe terms with new, younger siblings and do that soon.

====

From Hankunamatata, this did make me smile... My own husband tried to put his baby sibling in the bin back in the day.

Sibling rivalry is like nothing else.

I’m so, so angry with him

you don’t know it’s him.

he is 6.

Does he do the harm whilst she is fast asleep? Is he able to access a play therapist? Somethings going on here

Buts it's not her child is it? So my advice is tailored to her situation. Not a hypothetical situation that isn't hers.

Does he give very tight hugs? Does he grab other children in play in ways that are too hard? Does he take play fighting too far?
There is such a thing as having a sensory need which involves not feeling physical pressure in the same way as other children. It would go along with a diagnosis of something like autism. It could be that he is experimenting with this (I know it sounds bad) because he genuinely can’t put himself in another kid’s shoes, much less the baby’s. He’s seen adults squeeze a chubby leg or a cheek and is doing the same but much harder because his sense of touch when it comes to pressure isn’t the same.

Its just a thought.

A few other suggestions:

• talk to his dad about reaching out to his school and start a conversation about his behaviour and needs.
• provide heavy activities like lifting, trampolining, physical play, stress balls when he is at your house.
• look at getting a sling/wrap for the baby for short periods so she is off the floor when he is on the floor.
• look at local charities that offer family support, especially to blended families.
• involve him in an activity like making footprint paintings with the baby. They can paint each others feet and make a picture together (closely supervised).

Separate them by making sure your baby is always with you. You can't just banish the stepson. Some of the responses on here are downright cruel. Yes of course you can't have your baby being hurt, so you take care of your baby more closely. Baby-wear them if you're busy. You can't put all the responsibility for this on the child, poor lad.

It wouldn't be my problem if my husband or stepchild or whoever else took issue.

Either my baby gets abused and emotionally damaged by my stepchild or my stepchild gets emotionally damaged by not being in my house as a result of his own actions.

Id choose my baby every time. Don't even have to think about it. Stepchilds mum's motherly instincts can protect her own child with therapy or a exorcism or whatever the child needs. Dad is free to agree or leave or see him outside the home

Like I said, my motherly instincts override that of any other child or adult.

I don't care if the person is 6, 16 or 36. You will not harm my child.

I think you need to tske that baby to the doctor to msjr sure there is no medical condition. As the baby showed no signs of discomfort. I think you need to be open to the idea that it is something or someone else.

Oh for God's sake. What if the 6 year old was also yours, where would you send him, for adoption?

Even if he denies it by speaking to him he knows you know.

For the pp saying why didn't the baby cry, have you never noticed a massive bruise on yourself and have no idea how it could happen, no recollection of hurting yourself?

Bruises don't always mean pain.

He could have done it whilst making her laugh or playing with her so she's distracted and doesn't notice the pressure eon her legs.

Op what is happening about him hurting his older siblings?

I don't understand how you know it was "SS?

How do you know he was applying too much pressure when you stopped him holding the baby's leg, presumably there were no bruises at that time

Realistically, it is not going to be possible to watch him 100% of the time. Life just doesnt work that way. You and his dad and hopefully his mum need to talk to him in an age appropriate way and tell him this is not ok. I would put up cameras in the house, and monitor. If there is any repeat, he will not be able to be at the house in the same way he is at the moment. You may also want to give him positive attention for helping his sister and making her happy.

Agreed.

I am so sorry you are going through this, it is tough for everyone. Not quite the same but when my kids were little, my nephew would always pinch and bite my son (same age). He'd leave marks. I would comment to the parents, and it would be brushed away by the MIL and SIL, until I had to monitor like a hawk at family events. Winding forward the boy had lots of issues undiagnosed at school; he was very dyslexic and had other learning problems, which was causing him huge frustration at school, and out of it. He's grown up into a really lovely young man, with a lot of patience and love. What I do remember is that while my lioness was blazing I was furious with him, and compassion did not come easily, but looking back on it he was just a frustrated, angry little boy, whose parents had no idea what was going on for him at school. Might be an idea for the dad to get him checked out with the school or GP, and see if there is anything going on outside of both your homes that is making him so frustrated.