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AIBU?

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Original poster

I think SS is hurting my baby

315 replies

GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 14:05

I have an SS, 6, two older SC and a baby who is nearly 1. When my baby was about three months old I saw SS squeezing her legs too hard. She was in a bouncy chair in the kitchen whilst I cooked and he was crouched in front of her and didn’t know I was watching. He did it twice, it was hard enough to leave bruises and he admitted it when I stopped him. Obviously I was very angry and upset but didn’t get cross with him, talked it through and watched him like a hawk for months afterwards. His dad was furious too.

Last weekend SC were here and the baby now has bruises all over her legs which look a lot like finger marks. Nursery have written up an incident report. I am as sure as it’s possible to be that it wouldn’t be the older SC, and I don’t see how the marks could have been made other than by squeezing.

I’ve known SS since he was a toddler and he’s very attached to me so it makes sense that he would be jealous because the baby takes up my time, but I cannot have this happen again. He is a high needs, high energy child who gets more 1:1 attention than anyone else when he’s in our house, but can never get enough attention.

Please talk me through an appropriate approach because I am beyond furious right now.

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 04/03/2025 16:20

Tandora · 04/03/2025 15:37

I’m so, so angry with him

you don’t know it’s him.

he is 6.

Who else would it be with small bruising hand prints that are the same size as his hands?
Six year olds can be strong for size.

Verv · 04/03/2025 16:18

GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 16:03

What I’d do if he was my own child, who lived with me full-time, is being consistent on rules and expectations, reward charts, exercise, good diet and sleep, structured days…

But I can’t put that in place on the twelve days a fortnight he’s not in my house. And clearly doing it for the two days we do have him, is making little difference.

Can you remove yourself and the baby from the house when he's there?
That way he maintains his relationship with his father, but has no opportunity to harm.

Springsunflower · 04/03/2025 16:17

He was the middle one of 3 under 3 so all really close in age ..but usually went for the one younger than him ,and later when I had another baby ,( stupidly thinking things were better ) he went for that child as well.
No amount of star charts or stickers made any difference.
There was no CAMHs in those days ,so he saw a child phycologist,we read the explosive child book ,that was recommended to us ..
It's difficult because you can't get him seen by CAMHS ,..but maybe his dad could ..
I think if it continues to be a problem,you could ask the school for a TAC meeting or TAF as they were when we had them ..and get everyone on the same page ..mum would need to be involved and co operating ..from there a CAMHS appointment.
You have a 6 year gap there ,..he could definitely inflict some damage on a baby if he was so inclined.
Good luck

Moonnstars · 04/03/2025 16:14

GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 16:00

I just don’t know if it’ll work or if he’ll resent the baby and want to hurt her more. I’ve always been more inclined to give SS the benefit of the doubt, and empathy, because I know he struggles. He’s regularly sent to his room for hurting his bigger siblings and it seems to make little lasting difference (I suspect because lashing out is his usual pattern of behaviour at his mum’s).

I’m absolutely heartbroken that he’s behaving like this.

Show quote history

Sending to his room is clearly not working. He needs support and people communicating with him. Why does he want to hurt his siblings? I am guessing he has a lot of blood/step siblings so that can be difficult.
This is why I think you should ask the school for support. Mention what has happened, nursery have noticed marks on little ones legs, you cannot be sure but think it is SS. Can they provide any therapy to help him? Social and emotional TA support?

Vworried1 · 04/03/2025 16:14

I would leave and take the baby . Is this worth it , really ? Protect your child , they are your priority- not some child that isn’t your flesh and blood . Stuff that . I expect these issues will get worse and you’ve got a chance to her out . Could you do that ? This kid could end up doing SERIOUS harm .

GoldDuster · 04/03/2025 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Again, this is great for Take A Break article headline, but not really much use when the child is part of the family.

FenywHysbys · 04/03/2025 16:13

Concentrate on keeping your baby out of reach when SS visits. That is all you can practically do - no amount of talking, explaining, praising, rewards etc is going to change a very determined young mindset. I’m not sure why you are resistant to using indoor cameras, he does not need to know they are there and if he spots them, you don’t have to say anything other than ‘because I like them’.

lnks · 04/03/2025 16:11

You really need to get to the bottom of this. If he keeps turning up to nursery with bruises that look like they are from fingers they will make a referral to social services.

Newfoundzestforlife · 04/03/2025 16:08

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Original poster
GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 16:06

Springsunflower · 04/03/2025 16:03

I had three under 3
Since about Age 2 the middle one would hurt the other two .
By age ten ,he had trapped one of their hands in a fire door , splitting the thumb in half ,..put a pillow over one of their heads and sat on their face , repeatedly smacked their head in to a radiator by holding their hair .
These and more, were despite us doing our up most to never leave him alone with either child ..
When we were both home it was manageable,but when my husband was at work it was really really hard keeping the other two safe .
I totally understand how you must feel.
Despite what my middle child was doing,I still loved him.
I just came on to say I do understand and it is a really difficult situation,and all you can do is watch your little one like a hawk,never leave him alone with her .
I used to have to hide my youngest child in different places to nap so he couldn't find him.
Hopefully this will all blow over for you really soon .
My son got diagnosed with autism and learning difficulties,and I still can't leave him alone with my youngest ..

I’m sorry you’ve been through that. SS has never seriously hurt his older siblings, and they do wind him up sometimes too, but it seems I do need to take it more seriously.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 16:03

What I’d do if he was my own child, who lived with me full-time, is being consistent on rules and expectations, reward charts, exercise, good diet and sleep, structured days…

But I can’t put that in place on the twelve days a fortnight he’s not in my house. And clearly doing it for the two days we do have him, is making little difference.

OP posts:
Springsunflower · 04/03/2025 16:03

I had three under 3
Since about Age 2 the middle one would hurt the other two .
By age ten ,he had trapped one of their hands in a fire door , splitting the thumb in half ,..put a pillow over one of their heads and sat on their face , repeatedly smacked their head in to a radiator by holding their hair .
These and more, were despite us doing our up most to never leave him alone with either child ..
When we were both home it was manageable,but when my husband was at work it was really really hard keeping the other two safe .
I totally understand how you must feel.
Despite what my middle child was doing,I still loved him.
I just came on to say I do understand and it is a really difficult situation,and all you can do is watch your little one like a hawk,never leave him alone with her .
I used to have to hide my youngest child in different places to nap so he couldn't find him.
Hopefully this will all blow over for you really soon .
My son got diagnosed with autism and learning difficulties,and I still can't leave him alone with my youngest ..

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 04/03/2025 16:02

Whoarethoseguys · 04/03/2025 14:26

Wouldn't she cry though if he hurt her and surely you would have heard it.

Show quote history

Pressure can cause bruises without necessarily having that sharp ouch feeling at the time it happens.

Original poster
GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 16:00

MissDoubleU · 04/03/2025 15:46

As someone who had a violent older brother and who was not prioritised or protected my feelings will be slanted. However, there is only so much you can prioritise SS when he is attacking all his siblings. The other children need to know they are safe in their own home. No diagnosis or telling them to just be understanding of Ss’s feelings makes up for their feeling terrorised.

You have gone the gentle softly softly approach, praising him for being so good with her. Making sure he doesn’t lose attention because upsetting him more might make him more violent. He needs to understand that while there is a risk he might act out in this way, with baby or older siblings, there will be severe precautions taken that he might not like. He needs to understand the safety of all the children in the home is more important than any one child.

I just don’t know if it’ll work or if he’ll resent the baby and want to hurt her more. I’ve always been more inclined to give SS the benefit of the doubt, and empathy, because I know he struggles. He’s regularly sent to his room for hurting his bigger siblings and it seems to make little lasting difference (I suspect because lashing out is his usual pattern of behaviour at his mum’s).

I’m absolutely heartbroken that he’s behaving like this.

OP posts:
Tandora · 04/03/2025 15:57

WhatAliceSaid · 04/03/2025 15:53

It's not whataboutery, it's a crucial question as what you would do with dc is what you should do with sdc.

You know the role of step mum is different to mum. Op is limited because he doesn’t live there full time and besides, his mother supports him. So yes, it is whataboutery.

It’s not whataboutary. What matters is what is the appropriate course of action for a child who is suspected - but cannot be known - to have done that to a sibling.

Hwi · 04/03/2025 15:56

Well done for spotting it and acting on it and thank goodness this is only bruises - children can act in an evil way out of jealousy. I never bought that what happened to Jeremy Hunt's little sister was an 'accident'.

nutbrownhare15 · 04/03/2025 15:55

You don't actually know for sure. You strongly suspect but that's a different thing. He is your husband's child and I think you need to try to treat this as if he is your child. I find it triggering when my kids hurt each other but I can also have empathy with them (I'm not saying you don't I'm just saying this may be harder as a step parent when it's your own child being hurt by your step child). Watch very very carefully from now on. And if caught in the act then you can use something like this article to support the response https://www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/read/child-hits-baby

When Your Older Child Hits the Little One

Did your toddler or preschooler just hit their little sibling? Of course you see red! Here's your script to intervene -- and prevent a recurrence!

https://www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/read/child-hits-baby

Original poster
GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 15:54

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 04/03/2025 15:50

That sounds incredibly tough for a little boy to deal with. Are those changes 'set'? What I mean is, is there some sort of timetable for when he is to be with these different family members?

I think some children cope better than others. For some it's an adventure, for others it's akin to feeling like a parcel that doesn't belong anywhere. I think that you're doing your best, OP, but your focus is very much on your own baby, which is totally understandable. Who has their focus on this little boy?

Show quote history

No it’s not set, and I have huge sympathy for him because it is really hard for him. His mum isn’t terrible, she is doing the best she can and loves them, but their house is, from what we know, a bit chaotic. But things are very acrimonious between her and my partner, she will never permit us to have more custody, and nothing she does is so bad that SC would be taken from her.

OP posts:
WhatAliceSaid · 04/03/2025 15:53

It's not whataboutery, it's a crucial question as what you would do with dc is what you should do with sdc.

You know the role of step mum is different to mum. Op is limited because he doesn’t live there full time and besides, his mother supports him. So yes, it is whataboutery.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 04/03/2025 15:50

GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 15:45

Honestly I don’t think that advice applies because I think a lot of his troubles stem from the fact that he has had to context switch frequently from a very young age. He has our house, his mum’s house, his maternal grandparents’, his mum’s boyfriend’s parents, frequent babysitters and all have different expectations and standards.

He has a lot of ADHD traits and I am worried for his future. He’s a very clever boy but finds it incredibly hard to listen to directions or to focus. I do think having a set routine would benefit him considerably to settle down but it’s just not going to happen.

Show quote history

That sounds incredibly tough for a little boy to deal with. Are those changes 'set'? What I mean is, is there some sort of timetable for when he is to be with these different family members?

I think some children cope better than others. For some it's an adventure, for others it's akin to feeling like a parcel that doesn't belong anywhere. I think that you're doing your best, OP, but your focus is very much on your own baby, which is totally understandable. Who has their focus on this little boy?

Zippidydoodah · 04/03/2025 15:49

Bruises under the age of one might trigger a safeguarding concern and children’s services might get involved. Just saying.

i agree with keeping an eye on him and dealing with the behaviour through discussion/talking/spending time with him etc. teach him how to be loving towards her and praise him for that.

saveforthat · 04/03/2025 15:48

WhatAliceSaid · 04/03/2025 15:45

But he could be her child and most decent step parents try and treat SC as their own. So I ask again, if it was your 6 year old hurting your baby, what would you do?

What is the point of this whataboutery?

The op wants a solution to a real life situation, not made up nonsense.

It's not whataboutery, it's a crucial question as what you would do with dc is what you should do with sdc.

MissDoubleU · 04/03/2025 15:46

As someone who had a violent older brother and who was not prioritised or protected my feelings will be slanted. However, there is only so much you can prioritise SS when he is attacking all his siblings. The other children need to know they are safe in their own home. No diagnosis or telling them to just be understanding of Ss’s feelings makes up for their feeling terrorised.

You have gone the gentle softly softly approach, praising him for being so good with her. Making sure he doesn’t lose attention because upsetting him more might make him more violent. He needs to understand that while there is a risk he might act out in this way, with baby or older siblings, there will be severe precautions taken that he might not like. He needs to understand the safety of all the children in the home is more important than any one child.

Tandora · 04/03/2025 15:46

GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 15:37

This is what we have done. For months he’s been playing nicely with her under close supervision and being praised for it. He’s been referring to himself as “the best big brother” and cooing over her outfits and reading to her and trying to teach her tricks and looking to me for affirmation as he does it. Which is why it makes me feel so sick that he’s done it again.

I’m aware I can’t keep eyes on her constantly and I can’t stop him hurting her if he wants to. He will be able to evade cameras if he knows about them. And putting up secret cameras and waiting for him to hurt her is just a horrible thought.

Show quote history

Which is why it makes me feel so sick that he’s done it again.

you don’t know he’s done it again.
he is 6.

Original poster
GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 15:46

Maximusdecimus · 04/03/2025 15:42

I would put the baby in a play pen so if he wanted to hurt her he would have to physically go in to pull her out.

I would also tell him you have cameras in the house as the baby keeps hurting herself and you are trying to work out why and does he know anything about it. You will know by looking at face whether he is lying or not.

It’s happened twice in eight months and it’ll have been two weeks by the next time we see him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s completely forgotten it happened by then.

OP posts: