I think SS is hurting my baby

I agree that the opportunity to get an admission out of him is over, unfortunately.

What you do still have is an opportunity to sit the kids down and explain in very serious terms how awful it is to harm a baby and that if it happens again there will be huge consequences, especially as outsiders are questioning who in the family is bruising the baby and that it could lead to Police involvement.

Time to monitor the kids more AND get some cameras put in.

Amazon have chargeable cams for £16 that record hours of footage.

also I think you should put this back onto your DH. He now has to monitor his son every moment while he is in your home. Otherwise visits have to move outside the home including overnights, ie your DH will have to book a hotel or rent somewhere. You have to take this very seriously but at the same time it is your DH responsibility not yours.

I’d get a secret nanny cam. Obviously still try and stop him doing it but at least you could check it, if it did happen again. How would he know where it was unless you tell him??

Haha it’s the baby’s of first families that don’t count as humans . Hence people on this thread ready to demonise a 6 year old, diagnose him with all sorts , and throw him out the home, when there’s absolutely nothing to say where these bruises actually came from/ why or proof that the kid had anything to do with it.
oh and also he throws stuff and trips his siblings sometimes; like all 6 yr olds I’ve ever known.

@ZiggyXena how awful. I don't know how you can deal with that :(

Yes very good point. I used to panic with my first child whenever he had normal bruises from playing then I did a safeguarding module on a course i was doing and it said what you've just stated. Certain areas far more likely to be intentional.

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower hahaha only on Mumsnet would anyone suggest having a child who hurt your baby in your home more regularly - and only when they are a stepchild. Babies of second families don't count as human beings I guess!

NC to reply to this.

So many of the replies here are not considering stepfamilies and misunderstanding why OP has control over/ is responsible for in this situation.

"What would you do if it was your kid" - if SS was OP's child all options would be open to her including getting SS assessed for SEN or behavioural or psychological therapies - whatever she thought best. But OP is NOT his mum and doesn't have parental responsibility or rights. All she can really do is look after her own children and protect them from whatever challenges SS's parents leave unaddressed.

"I feel sorry for SS because you're angry at him" - well perhaps this is misdirected. OP is within her rights to be angry, this must be a very frustrating situation and one she has little recourse to address. Why not feel sorry for OP or be angry with his parents who have allowed his behaviour to go unaddressed and hurt OP's baby? OP has little influence here. Again, she's not his mum or dad. They should be insuring his wellbeing and supporting him as needed.

"You have no evidence" - he's done this before, he's got issues with lying and being sneaky and is now being sneaky in order to hurt a baby. It's bad enough that nursery have recorded it. You don't need evidence for this to be enough to want to be very, very careful.

OP - I really think all you can do here is ensure your child's safety. His parents should be doing more to find out what is behind the behaviour, yes, but that's not something you can control. If I were you I would be telling DH in no uncertain terms that he is responsible for looking after his son and ensuring he doesn't hurt others. He is to be present at all times when SS is there and to make absolutely sure he doesn't get to touch the baby. Then you focus on looking after your DC and keep them safe.

I have a SDC who displayed sneaky, dishonest, cruel and stealing behaviour from very young. No parenting strategies at this household made a difference. Any consequences only made SDC sneakier, and they would escape consequences by going to their other home. I had no luck at all suggesting psychological support or SEN assessment. They are now a tween and we keep all money and jewellery locked up. Can't go into a shop with SDC as they will try and encourage younger DC to steal. Can't enjoy birthday parties because they will steal from guests or use the opportunity to slip away and steal from someone else in the house. I suppose what I'm saying as these problems don't address themselves, they need proper parental intervention. In the absence of that OP, all you can do is be very strict on boundaries to protect your own children.

I'm sorry but are you seriously saying you know your 6 year old step son has bruised your baby and you haven't even told him off? Fucking hell, how's he supposed to know how serious it is and to never do it again if he isn't even reprimanded for it?🤨

@Wavescrashingonthebeach injuries on normal sites in a mobile baby are treated very differently to injuries on fleshy areas in a baby that isn't moving. The likelihood of these being cause accidentally is very low and so likely to be a sign of abuse.

Please prioritise the baby.
I had a violent and jealous older sibling and I was not prioritised or protected.
I can tell you that the problem does not just go away and as adults there will not be a good relationship between them.
Stop making excuses for him and take action.

This is quite serious in that if nursery are reporting bruising to a non mobile baby that look like finger bruises this could trigger a child protection investigation. This could result in a child protection medical and decisions around safeguarding your baby from further physical harm.

have you told him that the nursery have said there are bruises on her legs and that they are reporting it? Ask him to help you make sure that everyone is being super gentle with the baby.

i think that sometimes little kids do stupid stuff like this because they are trying to make the baby make a noise etc. Also kids do stupid stuff because theyre kids.
It doesnt sound like he doesnt like the baby. He wants to be the best big brother, but you say he is high energy and high needs, so hes probably impulsive and a bit heavy handed too?
Id keep a super close eye on him and make sure that they arent unsupervised, but I dont think its worth losing sleep over

Are you sure it's from the step son? Surely baby would have screamed if being tormented? My 1 year old has bruises all up his legs (granted, on his shins and bony parts not his thighs) just from general crawling around! My 3 year old has them too.

I'd have to stop him coming around and tell him and his mother why. He's old enough to know what he's doing 😔

Agree with this. When one child is acting out for attention, who already gets an extra dose of special 1:1 attention, I think it’s high time to put the foot down.

No SS, while we are not being nice to all our siblings we will only be spending time all together/making sure everyone gets equal 1:1 time. It’s not fair that you get this special time and older siblings do not. Everyone must have their turn to feel special and everyone deserves attention/must learn to share time fairly without getting angry.

My violent brother definitely became worse because he was enabled. His diagnosis explained why he struggled, but rather than give him better tools and help shape him it was then accepted that his violent outbursts were something we all had to live with. Even as a man he didn’t have to challenge his own behaviour or try to do better. It’s incredibly difficult to be on the receiving end of this.

I'd have a camera on as well, to check later if necessary.

I’d put up cameras. Not secret cameras. I’d put up “right children, listen up, there’s a camera, here’s a camera, there’s also one up there” kind of cameras. Way out of reach.
I’d say something along the lines of “DD had bruises on her legs and her nursery wants to know how they’re getting there so we’ve got to show them the cameras every week”. Or make something up completely.
But I’d be letting all children know there are now cameras in the communal areas and show them proof of them working on your phone.
I’d then never leave DD on the floor or alone in a room without a camera when SS is there.

This is really difficult, and you are very understanding of the pressures your SS is under, but your baby has to be your priority.

My brother was an awful bully, and excuesed as he was jealous, couldn't cope without having all my mums attention. So he got more attention, but was still mean to me. We have no relationship at all now, as he grew up to be a nasty entitled man.

Your SS could end up the same way - he needs boundaries, and even if it's only 2 days a fortnight in your house, you need to apply them. No hitting, no bullying, and not demanding to be the centre of attention all the time. He needs new consequences as sending him to his room isn't working.

While he may not be able to do much damage to his older siblings, they need to feel safe and comfortable too, and it does sound as if everyone is expected to pandeto the 6 year old.

I totally with everything you say about him needing boundeting, suggesting Cubscetc - you can still sign him up to clubs, he'll go every second week, which can't be that unusual. It will give him some structure, and give his older siblings a break from him.

I know you don't want to put a camera in, but I think it's a good idea. You could get a nanny cam in a teddy which can just sit on the floor by the baby. You might be very happy to evidence that it's your SS harming your baby, not you, not your husband and not the other SCs. Also if you have evidence he can't deny, so you can have a proper chat about why he's doing it, why it's so unkind etc.

I haven't seen my brother in about 10 years, but I do wonder if we'd have had an adult sibling link if he had been disciplined as a child, and if his bullying was treated seriously and stopped.

He's a 6yo.
"Intentionally and slyly", as per PP, hurting a baby?
The child would have to be on a good way to become a sociopath, the least.
It's hard to read.

Regardless of what the child has been or should be assessed for or diagnosed with, it doesn’t change the fact of his behaviour. You can understand it but the child needs to learn, over and over, that their want for attention does not trump his siblings need for safety. If this means he gets much less (ie, none) 1:1 time with OP then it’s just going to be part of a very steep learning curve.

You think having separated parents and new siblings is such a chaotic environment that reasons should be found for why a 6 year old!! is hurting a baby.. because he isn’t get enough attention? We are not talking about a 2/3 year old who may feel jealousy and can’t articulate their feelings ffs. And yes I would come down on mine like a ton of bricks, they would not hurt a baby again.

What does his father have to say about his behaviour? He's barely been mentioned in this thread. Ultimately he has more responsibility for dealing with this that you do OP. I wouldn't have your SS in your house , it's not worth the risk to your baby. Your S isn't your problem to deal with, but your baby is your responsibility to protect

if you and your husband believe the children are being shunted from pillar to post and while their mother “does her best” but it’s no good for the youngest as he is shunted around multiple homes with different expectations.
and you believe he needs a stable environment maybe your husband should review his custody agreement and look after his children more than 2 days in 14…

7 days in 14 you could comfortably implement what you’ve outlined above.

I did actually think the "baby smushing" could be a thing too but I think if it was genuinely unintentional, he would not hide it from the adults. He would do it in front of them. So I would guess that it might stem partially from this (babies DO look fun to squish, of course we don't do it as we know it would hurt them!) and partially from a sense of "This makes me feel powerful".

Remember he's only six so it's probably not that deep. But since it is likely impossible to separate them 100% of the time it needs addressing and IME, it is most effective if you start by seeing the point of view of the aggressor. I understand that does not seem particularly just, but this is not about justice, it is about achieving a result which is harmonious long term for everyone, especially the victim.