I think SS is hurting my baby

He isn’t the op’s husbands step child though, he is his son. As his father, he must step up and tackle this behaviour, involving the mum too.

Would I, hand on heart, want this boy in my home after he had deliberately hurt my baby repeatedly? No.

But it isn’t as straightforward as just saying he isn’t welcome and to be fair, op appears to be very well aware of that based on her posts. She’s trying very hard to be balanced, from what I am reading.

It is worth losing sleep over, this is a baby, and it would be terrible if something very serious happened.

You can't be too careful.. Child sounds like he needs some help.

If he was mine, I’d have him in sports and Cubs to make friends and encourage play dates, but he’s not here enough.

Sorry, but you’re minimising his behaviour, OP. He needs more help than sports and cubs! There’s a reason he has no friends at school and you’ve admitted yourself that he struggles socially. There’s something going on with your SS, whether that be additional needs or something else. Early intervention could help him enormously. Your DH needs to liaise with his ex to sort this.

For now, you need to protect your baby. If nursery are reporting the bruises then you could have Social Services looking into this. You’ll have to demonstrate what you’re doing to protect your baby. If that means not having SS round until he’s been assessed by outside agencies, then so be it. Present it to him as his general behaviour not him hurting your baby so he doesn’t resent your baby more.

If that was my baby, he would no longer be a part of the family! How long before he's holding a pillow over her face? He's a step child and he sounds dangerous...

Absolutely. Protect your child. You don't need this worry.
He's got problems. Might be worse next time.
So what of his mum supports him.
She's doing herself no favours if she dosent get help for him anyway.

Your baby is your priority.

I don't think OP has dehumanised or been cruel about SS at all. I've been active on MN and the Step-parenting board for many years and it's phenomenal what some mumsnetters think stepmothers should be responsible for, and what children of second families should have to live with. I would argue that violence is not one of those things, and his parents are responsible for ensuring this does not happen again. OP's responsibility extends to ensuring the safety of her child.

I will say though, ‘get a nanny cam’ is this thread’s version of cancel the cheque

I don’t know the answer or have any advice to give, but you sound like a really nice person and stepmum, OP, and some of the comments on here are ridiculous. He’s obviously a troubled little soul, but you need to keep your baby close until this is resolved.

I actually think this is a really good idea for an immediate solution while you figure out something more long term

I suppose you could also try to catch him out and do a good cop/bad cop routine with DH.

”Do you want to tell me anything about how baby got those marks on her legs? I need you to think about it and try to remember…”

”Are you sure you don’t need to tell me anything? Because if you tell me the truth we can try and make this right.”

It’s sad the type of language people are using here to talk about a 6 year old boy. I’m obviously not condoning him hurting a baby, his other siblings or anyone else for that matter. But people have referred to him as a devil child, a brat, said he needs an exorcism etc etc
Its really uncalled for

i agree moving him in is a silly suggestion. But on the other hand you have replies like this! And they are much more prevalent on this thread:
”I really, really think that the 6-year-old stepson should be sent to live with his mother full-time.
If he squeezed the baby's legs hard enough to leave bruises, that's sickening and despicable. OP, you're going to have to have your baby pretty much attached to you at all times if this disgusting child isn't removed from her home. I would have her sleep next to you too, if he doesn't go.”

When it comes to dehumanising children in the family it’s always the step children.

While the language is extreme it is not dehumanising. Dehumanising is when a person is likened to an animal or thing.

You definitely need to talk to him proactively. Either way, it sounds like your SS might benefit from 1-1 therapy.

Trust your instincts. I think unfortunately when you’re cooking or something and stepson is visiting, your options are:

• baby in a carrier
• baby in a bouncer, on playmat, in play pen etc and call step son to you to help you with the cooking
• tell him he can’t play with baby at the moment because she has some strange bruisers on her legs, because someone has hurt her so she is especially fragile at the moment and watch his reaction.
• cameras in her bedroom etc.

Don’t have all the kids on your own at once if possible.

Are these marks the same size as SS fingers? Seeing as your dc is 1, I would presume she would be somewhat mobile or maybe commando crawling if not fully crawling. If so, it’s common for them to get bruising on their shins and knees, even from crawling over toys.
Does your dc kick their legs up while in their high chair? That can also cause bruising. I had to stick foam lining on mine as ds2 kicks his legs up against the table part.
I would presume if he’d grabbed her legs enough to cause bruising, she would have cried.

When it comes to dehumanising children in the family it’s always the step children.

I'm sorry about your sibling.
My husband, who is 75, had such an older sister.
She's in her eighties and this definitely affects whole life.
❤️

@ZiggyXena i agree moving him in is a silly suggestion. But on the other hand you have replies like this! And they are much more prevalent on this thread:

”I really, really think that the 6-year-old stepson should be sent to live with his mother full-time.
If he squeezed the baby's legs hard enough to leave bruises, that's sickening and despicable. OP, you're going to have to have your baby pretty much attached to you at all times if this disgusting child isn't removed from her home. I would have her sleep next to you too, if he doesn't go.”

Sounds like some /family/ therapy is needed.

Have you read him the riot act? Have you absolutely clearly and firmly communicated that a line has been crossed and can never ever be crossed again? I would be going absolutely nuclear. There would be zero confusion about where I stood. I would not be having softly softly conversations.

I say this because I remember seeing appalling behaviour of children towards parents and siblings when DC started pre-school and school - a kid punching a parent in the stomach for example - and a wishy washy response from the parent and the children not taking in a word that was said. It was clearly not the first time, but a messed up rinse and repeat series of events. Hit. Lame response. Ignore. etc.

Your SS has crossed some major boundaries but there has been (seemingly) no comeback. No has said loundly and clearly "you do not hurt your sister!" Essentially, that will seem like a pass to him to continue and escalate.

Yes, and does OP risk social services taking the baby away if the threat to her safety isn't removed? Not sure how these things work.

I really, really think that the 6-year-old stepson should be sent to live with his mother full-time, with only daytime supervised visits to OP's home.

If he squeezed the baby's legs hard enough to leave bruises, that's sickening and despicable. OP, you're going to have to have your baby pretty much attached to you at all times if this disgusting child isn't removed from her home. I would have her sleep next to you too, if he doesn't go.

Agree with keeping them apart unless closely supervised. Is SS generally ok? This seems extreme for a 6 year old with no SEN even if he is jealous!

Did you miss the bit where the child has been caught squeezing the baby's legs before and they left bruises?

You don't think that makes it likely to be him, no?

@Tandora I've never said kick him out. On a thread about SS potentially hurting a baby it's totally ridiculous that some have suggested the answer is to move him in! Quite the leap.

Eldest child here who has two step-parents and half siblings.

I don’t think the OP is unreasonable to take the nursery report very seriously. It’s not demonising to protect a small baby from potential harm (and to protect the older child from causing the harm). Imagine if it escalated and he seriously injured her? It would have devastating consequences for them all. His behaviour towards his other siblings is relatively normal but still needs nipping in the bud.