I think SS is hurting my baby

Oh nonsense. The sanity and well-being of the stepchildren is every bit as important in the grand scheme of life, sure. But in a stepfamily ensuring the sanity and wellbeing of each child is fundamentally the responsibility of the actual parents of each child (i.e. the people with parental rights and responsibilities). The step-parents should be decent human beings and you'd hope have their step-child's interests at heart, but parental responsibility stays with the actual parents.

I don’t think anyone is saying it’s an injustice. It’s difficult.

Agree absolutely it’s difficult.

And ultimately it is the parents who decided to end their relationship, knowing it would damage their child(ren) to some degree, and their responsibility to make sure that the effects of a separation and subsequent remarriage/more kids are positive for their children.

I totally disagree regarding the subsequent remarriage part. If you marry a man with children, you have to take responsibility for accepting that child into your life, and treating them as any and every child deserves to be treated within their family. That can be harder when you are not related and don’t love them, but that is the burden you take on.

Yet somehow they end up shouldering the blame for the fact a child is from a broken home.

I don’t see that . I only see step mothers being blamed for their own actions and attitudes.

If you break up with your coparent it is your job to ameliorate the effects of that on your children.

yes.

And hopefully choose a spouse who is kind to them.

No. The spouse is also an agent, an adult, and the spouse is responsible for their own behaviour.

while also enforcing the boundaries you need to maintain your own home, sanity and the wellbeing of your own children.

Nope, this is a really objectionable attitude . The sanity and wellbeing of your step children is every bit as important as yours and your own children. it is their home too.

@ThisFluentBiscuit with respect that's the most incredibly inflammatory statement referring to a child as a potential baby killer from someone who hasn't been near a child since they were one, and seems to feel they're similar to dogs.

I don’t think anyone is saying it’s an injustice. It’s difficult. And ultimately it is the parents who decided to end their relationship, knowing it would damage their child(ren) to some degree, and their responsibility to make sure that the effects of a separation and subsequent remarriage/more kids are positive for their children. Stepmothers who have no legal rights or responsibilities to the child, can only support their spouse and do the best for their own children. Yet somehow they end up shouldering the blame for the fact a child is from a broken home. If you break up with your coparent it is your job to ameliorate the effects of that on your children. And hopefully choose a spouse who is kind to them. But that’s the extent of what you can do as a stepparent, be as kind as possible while also enforcing the boundaries you need to maintain your own home, sanity and they wellbeing of your own children. Of course if you can’t live with it you leave, that’s the same in any relationship. But you are also allowed to have a view and discuss approaches with other parents.

Even at 9 years old my own stepchild comes to our home covered in flea bites and with visible signs of neglect (and believe me we are trying to resolve this, but separation from her mother causes extreme distress and anxiety due to attachment issues rooted in the neglect) and any implied criticism of her mother, however couched, is deflected - because understandbly the painful truth that she is not and has never been her mother’s first priority is too painful to bear. Of course I will be to blame in years to come.

And people who are awful about step children and children from the first family scream "I wasn't a stepchild" and this isn't coming from a "first wife" but a person who feels bad for children put in bad situations through no fault of their own.

And people who are awful about step children and children from the first family scream "I wasn't a stepchild" and this isn't coming from a "first wife" but a person who feels bad for children put in bad situations through no fault of their own.

In my experience as a stepmother who has been pilloried on this forum (and in the Daily Mail!!!! After a post went viral) ‘both sides’ of this scream ‘people who have never been stepparents/had to deal with complex family dynamics’. For example the suggestion that they involve the boy’s mother at this stage just screams ‘people who don’t understand the delicate balance of maintaining cordial relations after a lot of acrimony.’ In my experience, it’s best to have rules and boundaries that you maintain and enforce in your own home, and not to get to get het up about or over-involved with the rules and boundaries in the other parent’s house - over which you have, rightly, no control.

When I became a stepparent I chose to be a responsible and caring adult in the life of my stepchild and to support my partner to parent them. That does not mean I have to accept any harm to my children as a result of my DH or his ex's inadequate parenting of my stepchild. The parents should be making sure their child is parented. Actually it is more outrageous that parents would not parent their own children. There is a difference between being 'annoying' as any child might be and sneaking around to hurt a baby. I know if I thought my daughter was behaving in such a way I would be very active in parenting her, getting to the bottom of it and making sure all children were safe. I would expect no less from other parents and if they failed there and it impacted my child, yes I would be annoyed.

If a child who isn’t your child hurts your child, you are going to be more annoyed about that than if it’s your own child. Especially in a step parenting relationship where you have to have the child in your home but are not the parent

but this is exactly it / this issue isn’t it. This is a you/ step parent problem, and it’s what you choose to accept when you partner with a person who already has children. You have to deal with their children in your home. I understand you might not have realised this in advance, but you can’t undo what is done and you have to live with it or leave. Children are inevitably annoying. They are even more annoying when they aren’t your own. Don’t like it, don’t want to deal with them, then don’t create a family with them. That’s not to say you can’t acknowledge the challenges, but to act like it’s an injustice imposed on you that you have to tolerate your step children when they are challenging is quite frankly outrageous.

If a child who isn’t your child hurts your child, you are going to be more annoyed about that than if it’s your own child. Especially in a step parenting relationship where you have to have the child in your home but are not the parent

but this is exactly it / this issue isn’t it. This is a you/ step parent problem, and it’s what you choose to accept when you partner with a person who already has children. You have to deal with their children in your home. I understand you might not have realised this in advance, but you can’t undo what is done and you have to live with it or leave. Children are inevitably annoying. They are even more annoying when they aren’t your own. Don’t like it, don’t want to deal with them, then don’t create a family with them. That’s not to say you can’t acknowledge the challenges, but to act like it’s an injustice imposed on you that you have to tolerate your step children when they are challenging is quite frankly outrageous.

He's hurting all the children in the house? Has he been assessed for SEN? It's not safe to have him in the house.

The facts speak for themselves about the 6 year old . I wonder why you are trying to gaslight me and the OP. First wife ?

I am not bashing step parents. You , however, are bashing a 6 year old step child, based on very few facts and very limited context .
I wonder why?

Absolutely not. You do not choose this as a step parent . You are just trying to bash step parents. It’s the 6 years olds parents responsibility to sort this issue out.

Being challenging is different from abusing a baby, ffs.

If people truly knew the horrors of step parenting they wouldn’t do it. It’s hardly taught at school.

If a child who isn’t your child hurts your child, you are going to be more annoyed about that than if it’s your own child. Especially in a step parenting relationship where you have to have the child in your home but are not the parent

but this is exactly it / this issue isn’t it. This is a you/ step parent problem, and it’s what you choose to accept when you partner with a person who already has children. You have to deal with their children in your home. I understand you might not have realised this in advance, but you can’t undo what is done and you have to live with it or leave. Children are inevitably annoying. They are even more annoying when they aren’t your own. Don’t like it, don’t want to deal with them, then don’t create a family with them. That’s not to say you can’t acknowledge the challenges, but to act like it’s an injustice imposed on you that you have to tolerate your step children when they are challenging is quite frankly outrageous.

If a child who isn’t your child hurts your child, you are going to be more annoyed about that than if it’s your own child. Especially in a step parenting relationship where you have to have the child in your home but are not the parent. It’s a very difficult dynamic. In an ideal world the stepparent wouldn’t need to do anything because the parents would be making an extra effort to parent their child who has had an adverse childhood experience …. But instead what usually happens is the stepmother gets blamed for the parenting inadequacies.

what children of second families should have to live with. I would argue that violence is not one of those things

It’s an interesting perspective .
When you have a second or third child , you place your children (all of them) in a situation where they have to live with the consequences of having a sibling. And in most cases that does include a fair amount of violence ; less face it- all siblings thump / push/ shove etc each other at times. Obviously an older child deliberately hurting a baby is another matter entirely, but no one actually knows what has happened here.

Incidentally my aunt was in a situation where her elder child was very violent ( and dangerously so ) with her younger child (both her biological children). She actually walked in on her eldest trying to smother her baby at one time. She was never , ever able to leave them alone together after that until he was much older . It was very hard.

All this is to say- these challenges , and much worse, happen in nuclear families too and I really can’t see that children in second families, and step mothers/ parents are asked to put up with anything other than what any and every family with multiple children has to put up with : the reality of other children in the family, whoever they are . But so often on mumsnet I hear women who have partnered and had more children with men who already have kids, being rageful and put out that they (and their children) should be expected to put up with their partner’s children, especially if those children display negative or challenging behaviour. I find it pretty outrageous I have to say.

I’ve mostly seen the children of second families being treated like they are worthless -and the children of first families revered and can do no wrong . This is just the typical step mums knew what they were getting into . No , I doubt they did . The horror of being involved in a blended family that doesn’t work is beyond your worst nightmares .

Yes I can totally see that, and understandably it would cause resentment. I think there are a lot of men out there who can’t actually be bothered to parent their own children, and displace a lot of responsibility onto their new partners. But I find it disturbing to see how often the children - often very young children - become the scapegoat / primary object of resentment / disgust of so many adult women. (The ex-
partner/ mother, of course, being the other key object of scorn/ disdain- as per this thread). I also think that step mothers do hold some significant responsibility for the blended family they have voluntarily co-created and therefore are bound by some significant obligations to their step children . I don’t think that’s a popular view amongst step mothers on mumsnet.