I think SS is hurting my baby

Bravo x 1000

This. Also the incident in question sounded ambiguous, and OP has said that his interactions with the baby that she has observed have been positive since

Take him to the baby with your DH there, ask him to open his hand up and put it on the bruises. If it fits its hi.. he will know you know he did it. You ask him outright and now you punish him. You cannot talk to a little kid they dont have the emotional maturity to understand that's why this is a repeated behaviour. Yes you can tell him its horrible hurting the baby, his sister. You can ask him how he'd feel if he was the baby and his big brother did that to him. But you must punish him.

I dont know if he is jealous or if he has a more complex issue, but you cannot leave the baby anywhere near him without direct supervision no matter how busy you get. In fact, delegate work to him e.g. get him to set the table etc so you can supervise the kids.

Good luck I hope he grows out of it but honestly that nastiness needs redirecting strongly.

At 6 He knows he will hurt her, and my guess he is doing it for attention when you're busy
It's not always possible to watch him like a hawk, but I would send him to another room if you're busy or try DD in a sling for a while
Nursery will report any marks on baby as a safeguarding risk
I know my own DS2 was reported as he had scratches on his face inflicted by DS1 more than once... eventual SS involvement years later meant DS1 was removed for the safety of his brothers

I wouldn't have her around my child tbh

Whilst we dont know for sure it is him that has done this. I'm a psychologist- He's experiencing big feelings, likely feeling unloved -given what the poor little boy has been through- mum running off with someone and having a baby, moving house, dad leaving and having a baby with someone else. It must be incredibly confusing for a little boy aged 6. He struggling to feel emotinally secure and loved. I know a friend who at the age of 6 also hurt baby relatives when their baby sibling was born as they felt huge jealousy - they are now a doctor and a well adjusted member of society. It is quite common for children of this age to react to jealousy in this way. I agree you need to monitor them both together until he feels more secure about his place in his family. The little boy also needs lots of love shown and discussions about feeling jealous and extra attention and love from his parents as well as the extra attnetiob you are giving. He is likely to be feeling pushed out. The throwing thungs occasiobally at ikder siblings sounds quite different and likely a reaction to all the instibility and confused feelings making it harder for him to tolerate frustration. He may benefit from play therapy to help him adjust to all the instability/changes in his home life. He needs lots of care and time talking about his big feelings whilst warmly and firmly explaining it is not ok to hurt the baby.i hope it all works out well.

That. Absolutely that. Do NOT leave him alone with baby. Baby needs to be attached to you when SC are around.

Also, you need to tell him firmly but not accusingly that the nursery wrote an incident report on the fact there were finger marks and that they will start asking question if baby gets hurt again. That you hope it never happens again so that no one gets in trouble.
You also need to explain that for these marks to be there, it must have been hard and hurtful for baby and that that makes you really sad and angry because you love your baby like you love them and you don’t want anything like that to happen again.

Gosh, I understand your anger.

Good luck 🌺

I have a similar issue with my nieces, the middle one hurts my son. She is 7 and my son 3 and she has been doing this since he was about 9 months.
she is always sly about it, looks out the corner of her eye to see if we are looking before hurting him.

the first time I caught her squeezing his leg when I was taking a photo for them all together, you could see her knuckles white and fingers bent where she was digging them into his leg.

My partner doesn’t take his eyes off of her when they come round and then when she says the dog pushed him or he tripped we call her out and say we were watching and we saw you do xyz…. This seems to have stopped the behaviour most of the time. Now my son can talk he shouts XX do not touch me, pinch me, push me…. Etc as we have taught him to speak up and say it very loudly if some thing happens he doesn’t like which again has helped as now he calls her out she is thinking of other ways I’m sure of how to hurt him. But I still try my hardest not to let them be alone… very hard to do.

our son didn’t cry when she used to her him either so it’s hard and like you said it’s hard to always have your eye on them.

I call her out on her behaviour, talk about it and then exclude her if she is to continue. I also now have a set of rules they have to follow or they are no longer allowed to come round for dinner etc. Abit harder for you as it’s a step child.

You could try setting up a system of rewards? If no-one hurts their baby sister, there'll be a treat (whatever works: ice-cream, pizza, trip to swings, special video to watch?) but ONLY if no-one hurts the baby. (Hard look at culprit: Is that clear, [name]? ) remind him two or three times a day, when he's with you. Hopefully, he will understand that squeezing the baby has unacceptable consequences...

Could the problem be, he’s not seeing you and dad enough? It’s likely he is jealous your new baby is seeing you both regularly and he only gets to come sometimes.

When I was a child (even old that 6), I would pinch my cousin whenever I would see her. I was 100% jealous of her because she lived with my grandma and saw her every day and I didn’t. My grandma was my favourite person so it was really difficult to navigate my feelings and be able to express them so I resorted to hurting the person I was jealous of.

The silver lining is, my cousin and I are the best of friends now!

I hope you manage to find a solution that works for all of you!

I’ve not read the full thread but I’m quite shocked at the accusations to ss with no evidence except an incident that happened when he was 3 months old so 9 months ago. A lot changes in nine months as older children grow to accept and bond with their younger siblings.

In my view it is monumentally selfish to leave a relationship where there are children and subject them to the pain and insecurity of a broken home

I don’t think it’s automatically selfish to leave a relationship that isn’t working. A lot of children are actually happier after their parents split- it’s incredibly difficult to live in an unhappy household. And I don’t think it’s fair at all to call all separated families “insecure” and “broken homes”. Some blended families are beautiful and happy places for children to grow up and some nuclear families are toxic- it all depends on the people involved- all of them. I agree it’s totally selfish of a parent to re-partner and have more children with a person who is always going to treat their child like an inconvenience/ second class member of the household; but I don’t think that absolves the step parent/ partner for their own choices and actions. Both adults are responsible for each of their parts.

Is nursery not involving safeguarding? I'm astonished if they are not. Child turns up with bruises which, at best, are caused by a jealous half siblings, at worst, by someone else (because they only have your word for it).

The boy needs help - CAMHS referral - and ASAP. And your daughter needs protection from him.

No of course they aren’t legally bound. Biological parent, step parent, or not, You can be a total arsehole to anyone , including any child, as long as you don’t break the law.
i was expressing an opinion about what people are bound to do by principles of common decency. It’s not about being a woman, it’s about being an adult, And a decent human being. when setting and enforcing boundaries, step parents are bound by obligation to consider how these actions affect the wellbeing of all the members of the family/ children in the household, and not just themselves/ their own children. Regardless of your own personal feelings, you should understand that the wellbeing of all the children in the family is of equal importance and worth. It’s monumentally selfish and irresponsible to behave otherwise. And it causes very real and lasting harm to a lot of children.

Sorry @Katbum I meant to quote @Tandora

It's no different. Step-parents like all parents should have boundaries for what they accept about the upbringing of the child. They often have no such power to set such boundaries around the live of their stepchildren. I care about my stepchild and if I could ensure their wellbeing I would love to. But I'm not their mum or dad so that's not within my gift.

I think most of the time, a stepparent having boundaries won't really even need to come up unless someone tries to push them.

If a boundary a step-parent needs to enforce in order to keep her children safe and well is incompatible with the best interests of her stepchild and there's no way the adults can work it out, that's when she and her partner should probably split up.

They’re not bound by anything though. That’s the point. There’s no legal responsibility towards a stepchild other than there is towards any other child in your vicinity. There are societal expectations that ultimately fall disproportionately on women.

You’ve got no idea what happens in my home. As I’ve said of course you consider all children - but you can ultimately only really do anything substantive in regards to your own. In my view it is monumentally selfish to leave a relationship where there are children and subject them to the pain and insecurity of a broken home (I know it’s not always a choice made by both parties!) - but a lot of parents (and children) want to blame the stepparents for the inevitability that children from
broken homes will grow up with huge emotional damage. This is not the stepparents fault, although obviously they shouldn’t add to it.

I never said that step parents shouldn’t have boundaries, I said that when setting and enforcing boundaries, step parents are bound by obligation to consider how these actions affect the wellbeing of all the members of the family/ children in the household, and not just themselves/ their own children. It’s monumentally selfish and irresponsible to behave otherwise. And it causes very real and lasting harm to a lot of children.

I think frankly you are being ridiculous

Being ridiculous for saying that when you “enforce boundaries” in your home you ought to consider the wellbeing of all the children who are impacted by them? And you ought to understand that , regardless of your personal feelings, the wellbeing of all of the children is of equal importance and worth?

You are responsible for your own actions. Not your partner. If you wanted a life free from any obligation to consider how your actions impact the wellbeing of a step child, you shouldn’t have joined that child’s family. You chose that: they didn’t- they had absolutely no say. The only people expected to “put up and shut up” are the kids.

Its very complicated and sensitive - there is not point in reporting to social services as where we are, in a very poor part of London, she won’t meet the threshold for intervention. I know this because I work in an adjacent job. If I intervene at the school it will cause further massive rift between her mother and I. And honestly the school is culpable in the neglect because despite massive red flags they each time fall for the mother’s charm and explanations (she is very warm and charismatic). Yes stepdaughter can spend as much time with us as she likes but she hates to be away from her mum even for one night as she is traumatised from previous periods of abandonment. It is horrendous, and tbh I wish my DH would push for custody, but he thinks she will just take SD out of the country again and police/social services did nothing last time that happened. We don’t have finances for the kinds of lawyers who can enforce father’s rights. This is what I mean by stepparents can’t really do anything. There’s all sorts people think they’d do in my situation, I thought it myself in the past, but actually as a stepparent you have zero power or rights to enforce anything. All you can do is try to provide a safe consistent environment in your own home.

Yes!

I think frankly you are being ridiculous. The responsibility for a child is the parents. If you marry someone who doesn’t put your child first - leave them. It’s not stepmothers only who ‘put up or shut up’. And in many circumstances it’s the parents who make it difficult for stepparents to act in a more parent-like way…of course anyone who is cruel to a child in their home is beyond the pale, but expecting equality between a stepchild child and a bio child is unrealistic. Of course you love your own children more. Even things like physical affection. I wouldn’t sleep nude with my stepchild or lay around all day hugging her. I don’t kiss her or hold her when she’s upset - we don’t have that intimacy as we are not related. She doesn’t want that from me and I can’t give it. Of course she needs that and gets it from her parents as my child gets it from me.

@Tandoraevery parent should have a sense of boundaries and what their red lines are for what happens in the home where they raise their children. That is not unique to step-parents. For example, a boundary of mine is that I don't allow drugs into my home. Now this has never come up, but if it did, as a parent I would enforce that boundary.

Step-mothers unfortunately may have to enforce boundaries as we are often pretty used to our boundaries being pushed. For example, by DH ex mother making decisions which negatively impact my children. Or unreasonable expectations of others about what we should/shouldn't do as a parent or step parent.

Don't leave your baby with him. Get cameras in the house. If the SS is harming the baby, it will be caught on camera at some stage. He's massively jealous.