I think SS is hurting my baby

Why isn't it his home? Surely the home of his father is his home too?

I’d get a camera in a teddy bear or something. You’re 95% sure. That 5% could throw an absolute grenade in your relationship with your partner and his son.

Ban him from your house, your baby is more vulnerable and consequences may be catastrophic in the future.

Your SS can see his dad away from the house.

You need to take prompt action and quickly because it is not a risk worth taking due to the SS jealousy.

Given he was caught doing exactly the same thing before, and he is doing it to other children I think he needs an assessment and a counsellor/family therapy. This kind of behaviour needs to be addressed.

In your place his father would be taking him out for the whole weekend pretty much. Your dh needs yo completely take over his son’s care when he visits preferably mostly outside the house so you can relax. His mother needs to be informed, and the school and potentially SS as you don’t need an investigation being triggered because of this.

The fact is this is quite rare amongst full siblings whom usually take the lead looking after the baby at this age, and enjoy being ‘in charge’ but even if they were living together full time I would be devising a timetable and strapping the baby to me. You have to protect the baby, that is your first duty.

It is ultimately up to dh and his mother how they handle this, but I wouldn’t be allowing this to take place in my house, no.
Buy a membership for a farm play place or a gym with lots of children’s facilities and dh will have to take him there on his weekends. At night I would be keeping the baby with me.

You can't ban him from your house anymore than the mother can ban him from hers he's as much a child of the family as the baby is.

Exactly, he was clearly a baby himself when his dad got with someone else and had a new baby. Does his dad spend time 1 on 1 with him? kids need that attention, especially from their biological dads. It is so hard on step children and I feel so sorry for them having to navigate these decisions their families make, with their undeveloped brains. Especially when their dad has wasted no time moving on after breaking up from his mum. Sorry, but I actually feel sorry for the poor little mite. Oh, and I think if you are telling him off and sending him to his room - as you say - you should definitely be telling his mum. If a step dad was telling a 6 year old girl off and sending her to her room etc, I would think he was not handling a sensitive 6 year old well, just because you are a women, the people on mumsnet let it all slide. The boy may or may not be hurting his sibling, but maybe you need to calm down and handle things differently. Maybe his dad can make a real fuss of him alone, take him out, spoil him. In my experience dads who move on rarely spend 121 time with their kids, they leave it all to the woman, and - let's be honest - you don't love him, because he isn't yours. You are 'so,so angry' at him. That is not the feeling you should have about a step child. Maybe you should have a bit more empathy about everything the poor little sod's been through in his 6 years, and don't see him for a while, not if you are so angry at him. Also, you should tell his mum, because I think - sorry but I mean this - that you shouldn't see him for a while with your anger and I suspect that's the real reason you aren't telling her, because you know she's have a go at you. You aren't his parent. You've clearly made your mind up he's to blame anyway.

Some of these responses though 'don't let him in the house', 'call SS'. Ridiculous. But predictable.

This! And previous posters are suggesting banning the poor kid from the house, that's really going to help him adjust to having two new younger siblings in a short space of time! 🙄

I'm a huge advocate for protecting children from sibling on sibling violence but this is one proven incident, there is obviously going to be some feeling of resentment from the poor kid and now people want him to feel further excluded.

Those wanting him banned from the house, would you say that if the 6 year old was OPs kid too? Nope. Should his mum ban him from her house too? Ridiculous suggestion at this stage.

OP you and his dad need to sit him down and speak to him. He is old enough to have a conversation with about this as long as you use child friendly language (I.e. simple and straight forward)
You said he will absolutely deny it. Try and teach him that it’s better to be honest about his behaviour so that you can correct it.
You don’t know for definite it was him, although I agree it seems likely. You both need to sit him down and try and get to the bottom of it. Something along the lines of “we won’t be cross because it’s important that you are honest with us”
then if he admits it, ask him calmly why he does it. He may not know or give an answer but try and ask him a series of questions that aren’t too leading to get to the bottom of it.

NOT the same thing at all but when my DS was that age, he tried to escape from school and got a telling off for it (he didn’t get far!) they told us so we decided to ask him, calmly, about what he did and why he did it. He explained the whole thing to us (we praised him for being honest) and then asked him why. He explained that he didn’t like school any more because it was too hard. What he meant by that was, he wasn’t used to not getting everything perfect first time. I spoke to him about trying his best and that school should be hard sometimes otherwise he wouldn’t ever learn (more detail than that but you catch my drift) and we never had another incident like it.

If he is hurting the baby, it’s not like he is a psychopath or anything - he is 6! He is likely frustrated or upset about something and doesn’t want to talk about it in case he gets told off. Give him a chance to explain how he feels

Similar happened to my friend. She had 2 boys, older was diagnosed SEN. Older boy bit younger badly on arm. Teeth marks, bruises. Mum reported it to nursery on drop off. Nursery reported - IIRC the nursery contacted family GP who confirmed situation and asked for a visit s younger child.

A few weeks later, older child bit younger on the face, I saw it, it was awful. Mum held younger out of nursery til it healed. To avoid humiliation of child with bite on face.

She hired an after school helper to look after younger while she looked after older. She also used to take younger into bathroom with her when she showered/ used toilet if her DP wasn’t home (they had a system w iPad and headphones). Also younger could lock self room but mum could open.

OP - you need to think of defense strategies to prevent ever being alone together. Take the bouncy seat everywhere

There were awful injuries and some epic danger situations. Social care aware but offered no help.

You don’t know for sure so pls be careful accusing him. Might be something else causing it.

It is not his home though, its his Dad's home that he visits

I’m surprised he’s squeezing her hard enough to leave bruises and she’s not crying? Might be worth getting her checked over/bloods done just incase there is an issue.
Like others have said you can’t leave them alone together even if you’re in the room if you believe he is blocking your line of sight in order to do it, and still ensuring he is getting ample 1:1 time to ease any jealousy if that is the issue.
Now that you’re aware this seems to be an ongoing pattern of behaviour, any further incidents may be chalked up as inadequate supervision because you’re on notice that your little one is possibly being hurt by her sibling.

The child’s hand sized bruise marks and previously been witnessed doing this are reasonable evidence. As is the fact he continues to hit older siblings and get in trouble at school for violent acts, despite various telling offs. Repeating again, baby wouldn’t necessarily cry from squeezing - as she did not cry when this was witnessed the first time either.

I think confronting him without saying you didn’t see it could be an option. It has happened before, and you know it has happened again. But this time baby has bruises. Does he want to admit anything? Does he feel an apology is necessary? See where it goes from there.

What would you do if it was your own 6 year old? Do that. People saying ban him from the house are ridiculous. He's six. This is his home.

Another thing I used to do was have play pens in every room so bouncer could go in playpen. Baby can see and dss can talk to her but not physically interact.

Would your partner consider talking to barnardoes. They do some excellent support programmes. Dss is obviously struggling so much and feeling totally lost. I found play therapy useful for dc to express their feelings.

I think as there is a possibility, even a tiny one, that he hasn't done anything, you need to tread very carefully.
No one saw him, he wasn't ever alone with her, when he was playing with her she didn't cry. There's no actual evidence, except from the fact that he's done it before, that it was him.

Assuming it is the 6 yr old he is obviously very jealous and insecure.

Not the same but I have sen kids. I had to watch them like a hawk when they were younger and they could not be left in arm reaching distance of each other without me directly supervising and being able to physical intervene.

We had stair gates on all rooms. Youngest I had to take to the toilet or place in cot in my room with door shut.

If your cooking i would have baby in high chair and dss in the kitchen helping you cook.

Would he help with the baby? Feeding her or helping get nappies for a change?

This isn't that unusual. My own husband tried to put his baby sibling in the bin back in the day.

What is dad doing about this?

Do you know whether he does similar to younger sibling at mum's?

As other's have said he has gained 2 younger siblings, split across houses, it is a lot for a child to cope with.

He regular hurts his other siblings too? That sounds horrible. He’s old enough to know better. Has he been asked why he’s doing it? What happens when the older siblings tell you or your partner that he’s hurt them?

I think you need to be stricter and make it very clear that he’s not to hurt others. Frankly, I wouldn’t have him round and I’d make it clear that that would be the consequence if he ever hurt the baby or his other siblings again. This needs nipping in the bud now.

You mention him getting lots of adult 1 to 1 attention. Perhaps that’s part of the problem? Sometimes that can feed a child’s developing ego and confirm to them that they’re ‘the most important’. It can make them feel superior and thus behave nastily to their siblings.

Just to add in, bruising formed from squeezing may not make the baby cry. It’s not a shock pain like a sudden hit. It may not even have been terribly painful. Some people do bruise easily and restricting the flow with squeezing can and will bruise. The baby wouldn’t necessarily cry, especially if they are quite tolerant of momentary discomfort.

ah sorry - missed that, thank you