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AIBU?

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Original poster

Why is he calling me this?

38 replies

deirdrechilly · 04/03/2025 12:47

Husband keeps calling me Big Hard Deirdre Chilly in a negative and antagonising way. Says I'm heartless and uses this as an insult but I'm totally confused by it.

I'm not violent, I'm not big, I'm smaller than him, I don't box or fight. I'm a mum who works from home and hates confrontation.

He had a go at me this morning, big busy up as I asked when he would be cleaning his mess in the kitchen. Turned into an emotional outburst on his part, shouting and screaming at me that I gaslight him (we had this conversation last week as he has had a habit of gaslighting me for years) but wouldn't give any detail when asked - I asked for detail when he wasn't busy as he's working from home. He jumped off the chair with his laptop in the air as if to lunge at me, I was very close to him as it was he made it clear he was angry and was coming for me but I didn't move as I'm not intimidated by him.

Does this make me big hard deirdrechilly??

I was in an abusive relationship before I met him and I refused to be scared or intimidated by that boyfriend. I would never dream of crying or jumping back in fear but what my husband just done would send most of my friends running crying, is that what I was supposed to do?

Have I brought this on because im not doing as he demands?

OP posts:
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Zucker · 04/03/2025 21:02

He hasn't hit you yet. It'll be easier for him to do it next time now he's lunged at you and, as a previous poster said upthread, carried out the flinch test.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/03/2025 20:30

Is the only reason his inability to support himself? In which case, it's someone's circus and monkeys, but not yours.

Original poster
deirdrechilly · 04/03/2025 19:43

Thanks everyone. Lots to think about.

I suppose I don't consider him abusive as he's never hit me. I think we have a toxic relationship and have no ability to communicate to each other.

I feel pretty lost like there's no way out. He says he can't leave as he can't afford to, no family support on either side etc but I do think it's an excuse. He doesn't seem interested in sorting our relationship or his attitude towards me though and I'm at the stage where I just really don't care anymore so today instead of showing him any respect for what he was saying I just treated him with the same behaviours he treats me with and didn't consider his emotions or stress levels.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 04/03/2025 15:08

If DH lunged aggressively at me, I'd know he was abusive. Do you know yours is?

theboffinsarecoming · 04/03/2025 15:02

Why on Earth are you still in a relationship with such an aggressive, gaslighting, violent, abusive bastard?

Verv · 04/03/2025 14:47

Maitri108 · 04/03/2025 14:02

Sounds like he needs a muzzle. There's something wrong with him and you should run for the hills.

@deirdrechilly You should give very serious thought to leaving this man before he escalates further, and he will.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 04/03/2025 14:43

”he made it clear he was angry and was coming for me”

and then the aggressive mocking and name-calling? Using a term like ‘gaslighting’ because he doesn’t want to tidy up?

Yeah, sorry OP, but all the posters pointing out that you’re in another abusive relationship are not wrong. He sounds like a really shitty person.

Maitri108 · 04/03/2025 14:02

Sounds like he needs a muzzle. There's something wrong with him and you should run for the hills.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 04/03/2025 13:59

Sounds like he's trying to get a rise out of you again.

Tbh he's an emotional bully, he's trying to intimidate you and tbh you've stepped one abuser for another. I'd think seriously about the example you're setting for your dc around what relationships look like. I'd also have a good hard think about my future being with this man. It's not a healthy relationship and not a good example to your dc

Cattery · 04/03/2025 13:48

He’s calling you big and hard because you don’t back down. It’s because he thinks you shouldn’t be sticking up for yourself. You should just give in. It’s a way of belittling you. Bastard

BruhWhy · 04/03/2025 13:45

Also, OP, please be careful. He's clearly got his widdle feelings bruised and might be on an ego spiral. Men with wounded pride often try to make themselves feel better by hitting women, and he's already shown he's not above making you feel like he will.

Make sure you tell someone he's behaved like this and make a plan to leave immediately.

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 04/03/2025 13:43

Chuchoter · 04/03/2025 13:04

%3D

linky no worky

BruhWhy · 04/03/2025 13:42

So he 'flinch tested' you, and you didn't flinch, so now he's mocking you by calling you big and hard when actually, all it makes him is a tiny little man who tries to physically intimidate his fucking wife.

You need to leave this arsehole.

Zanina · 04/03/2025 13:36

He's pegging you down to the shit on his shoe. Can't stand that you earn more and are a better person than him. If anyone makes you feel confused, it's a red flag

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 04/03/2025 13:35

JUST GET RID OF HIM!

Stop wasting your life on abusive men!

Left · 04/03/2025 13:33

I think you’re asking the wrong question. Who knows why he’s an arsehole and calls you names.

The question you need to ask is, how you would be happier and how to get to that point? (eg single, and divorce)

TwentyKittens · 04/03/2025 13:33

You're in an abusive relationship OP and this is a way to abuse you.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/03/2025 13:30

You are in another abusive relationship but this time you feel braver and able to stand your ground.

That isn't any reason to stay in this relationship though. I think you will be happier without him.

Original poster
deirdrechilly · 04/03/2025 13:24

takealettermsjones · 04/03/2025 13:09

I'm confused about the context in which he says it to you - are you saying that he makes some kind of "scary" gesture and because you don't flinch, he essentially says "ooh you're hard"? So he's trying to scare you and he's pissed off that it's not working?

Either way... if my husband were calling me something I didn't like I would say "please don't call me that, I don't like it" and he would stop. If you don't feel you can do that or you have and he won't stop, then the relationship is a bad one anyway.

No it was different parts of today's argument...

So in the middle of a back and forth he said big hard... we kept going back and forth, I wanted him to clarify an accusation he made and he was getting more and more wound up - I probs my should have walked away then but he has an emotional outburst every time we 'talk' or have a minor disagreement so I'm fed up with accusations being made of me and not having them discussed and resolved. Anyway after he was wound up he kept shouting and that's when he stood up as he was absolutely fuming with me. It wasn't to test out the big hard theory.

He says that when he's losing a verbal argument as I've had enough of it and will argue my point as I believe he is ridiculous half the time. He used to accuse me of being angry when I was clearly frustrated and unable to communicate with him and he used to call me angry deirdrechilly to get a rise

OP posts:
catsnore · 04/03/2025 13:19

This does sound awful. It sounds like he is saying that phrase to taunt you (when he in fact thinks the opposite) and also to try and stop what he probably sees as 'nagging' - Eg if he reacts badly to requests to clean up, you will be put off asking him again.

Lairymary · 04/03/2025 13:19

Yeah, he's mocking you while trying to intimidate you. He obviously has a chip on his shoulder, probably born from you having a higher status as him at work and it crushes him that you have to ask him/ remind him to do basic stuff at home cos he's a lazy manchild with an attitude. Consider ditching him, it's not going to get better.

anothermnuser123 · 04/03/2025 13:16

I believe he is saying you are trying to act tough, that's the only context ive heard that said before. Someone who isn't tough trying to act tough.

You sound like you are in another abusive relationship, normal relationships dont involve screaming and lunging at their partners to try and intimidate them.

AlertCat · 04/03/2025 13:15

BeachRide · 04/03/2025 13:07

You're in another abusive relationship. Use your strength to break free from it, rather than tolerate it.

This.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 04/03/2025 13:12

No one here can tell you why he called you that. Why do you want to stay with someone who shouts and screams at you anyway?

Devilsmommy · 04/03/2025 13:12

He sounds like a complete prick. Trying to intimidate you as well. I'd be chucking him out and focusing on myself and the kids if it was me. What a wanker