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Original poster

Being too “nice” IS a bad thing!

90 replies

Animalmama · 04/03/2025 11:29

Last night I had a moment of reflection - I’m too nice and it’s not a good thing.

I hate confrontation, I let my boundaries slip for family / friends. I let myself get taken advantage of. I realised I have a couple of friends who I care about so much I have noticed they will reach out to rant about their life or need me when it suits them. They know I’ll always be there as I’m “so nice” so will ignore me or not priorities me until then suddenly need me.

I’ve had 4 jobs now and at all 4 I’ve been piled on majority the work, I don’t say no, I’m too nice.

For anyone that’s too nice. How do you start saying NO.

OP posts:
Original poster
Animalmama · 04/03/2025 11:46

charmanderflame · 04/03/2025 11:43

Letting others walk all over you is fake though. You are not stating how you genuinely feel/ what you actually want and need.

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I understand what you are saying.

OP posts:
Beamur · 04/03/2025 11:46

Value yourself and your time.
Give yourself time to think before you agree to something.
People won't hate you for saying no, but if they're used to you always saying yes, you will have to practice holding your line.

MissDoubleU · 04/03/2025 11:43

Animalmama · 04/03/2025 11:40

It can be. I get told I’m too nice often. Too nice because I put others before myself. Too nice for taking on them extra shifts despite not wanting too.

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Then don’t do it. What are you hoping to achieve by pleasing these people? Is it their approval?

charmanderflame · 04/03/2025 11:43

Animalmama · 04/03/2025 11:35

Not in a fake way. In a, I let others walk all over me way.

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Letting others walk all over you is fake though. You are not stating how you genuinely feel/ what you actually want and need.

MissDoubleU · 04/03/2025 11:42

Animalmama · 04/03/2025 11:35

Not in a fake way. In a, I let others walk all over me way.

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This is the problem, you believe letting people walk all over you is “‘being nice” - these two things are not the same. People who martyr themselves in this way are actually quite tiresome to be around. You aren’t being yourself when you are agreeing to whatever other people want/need. Hence, disingenuous.

CrazythenewNorm · 04/03/2025 11:41

I understand what you mean op. Rather than, "too nice", maybe you're meaning "people pleasing?"
It can be difficult to change, when you're wired this way. I am finding as I get older I'm pleasing myself more, and not just doing what other people want all of the time. I've been an agony aunt to selfish friends as well, and dropped one who was never there for me back. I have also gone NC with a PITA relative. Try putting yourself first a bit more, it'll feel good!

Original poster
Animalmama · 04/03/2025 11:40

Misaster · 04/03/2025 11:39

That isn’t “too nice”

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It can be. I get told I’m too nice often. Too nice because I put others before myself. Too nice for taking on them extra shifts despite not wanting too.

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 04/03/2025 11:40

During a training course, several years ago; we did various videod role play, and written tests.
The facilitator told me I was the patsy! He explained that all the time I didn't say no, I would get more and more work piled on me. He also said, that I should exert my boundaries, but to expect some push back initially, because people are not used to me saying 'No'.
He was 100% right, but now I have no problem saying no, and people respect that.

Original poster
Animalmama · 04/03/2025 11:39

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 04/03/2025 11:38

That's not nice so much as being a doormat.
Which is actually quite off-putting in a person.

You start by not saying yes as an automatic response.
You say I'm not sure, let me think about it and I'll get back to you.
That gives you time to think about whether you actually WANT to do whatever it is and if you don't you go back and you say no.

Edited

I agree with the doormat comment

thank you for the tips!

OP posts:
Misaster · 04/03/2025 11:39

Animalmama · 04/03/2025 11:35

Not in a fake way. In a, I let others walk all over me way.

Show quote history

That isn’t “too nice”

Misaster · 04/03/2025 11:38

MissDoubleU · 04/03/2025 11:34

Because “nice” is all too often synonymous with “not genuine”

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Yup

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 04/03/2025 11:38

That's not nice so much as being a doormat.
Which is actually quite off-putting in a person.

You start by not saying yes as an automatic response.
You say I'm not sure, let me think about it and I'll get back to you.
That gives you time to think about whether you actually WANT to do whatever it is and if you don't you go back and you say no.

Original poster
Animalmama · 04/03/2025 11:35

Misaster · 04/03/2025 11:32

I am immediately 🤔of anyone who describes themselves as being “too nice”

Not in a fake way. In a, I let others walk all over me way.

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 04/03/2025 11:34

Misaster · 04/03/2025 11:32

I am immediately 🤔of anyone who describes themselves as being “too nice”

Because “nice” is all too often synonymous with “not genuine”

Misaster · 04/03/2025 11:32

I am immediately 🤔of anyone who describes themselves as being “too nice”