Being too “nice” IS a bad thing!

Yep this 100%!

I hate knowing I’m letting work down if I say no to extra shifts in busy periods and I feel like it’s my fault if they get stressed.

Unless you a mananger/owner- who gets to say how many staff are employed and when - that that's not on you. Would it be easier to say no if you did have a concete plan?

I know my parents were doormats with DGP and got very resentful - but as they got very old and ill demands got to much DMum had to insist her and Dad went out few times a week all day so litterally couldn't go over - as only way Dad didn't get talked into things.

Broken record if people get pushy - don't attempt to explain or justify just I'm sorry I just can't this time and repeat.

Totally get it @Animalmama

There is a lot of advice on instagram, Spotify podcasts and YouTube. Your people pleasing nature will come from somewhere.

My therapy is £50 per hour but even after two sessions I had much better self awareness and learnt so much. Definitely speak to someone if you can. 💐

I do believe that a some people take advantage of others' weaknesses (niceness) and I wholly believe that no good turn goes unpunished.

You aren't too nice you are a people pleaser/fawner, you (and I) do it as it's a learned behaviour and we get something out of it, which may be avoiding a bad feeling in our stomach at the thought of confrontation or a punishment that we would have got as a child but would not happen now but we can't see that. It's not altruistic.

Loads of books/podcasts and resources out there which would be helpful in identifying why you do it and how to stop - a lot of which is getting out of the habit.

I think you need to look at assertive technquies.

Not caring helps - but there often ways of saying no without saying no:

https://www.betterup.com/blog/how-to-say-no

Pick some and practise them - and then try them out.

I am having therapy for this at the moment. I have had 3 decades of terrible boundaries, I say yes to most things and I end up suffering from stress / burnout because I’m too afraid to say “no”.

I ruminate until I feel sick if I think I’ve let someone down or hurt them in anyway.

I WAS naive, gullible and put myself in dangerous situations just to ensure the other person is ok.

Of course, my job as a child was to keep both parents happy, stay quiet, people please and ensure nobody got angry. I am still terrified of being “in trouble” or people being “cross” at me.

Therapy is definitely helping and I’m beginning to find my voice. And my boundaries at work are really good now!! I have come a long long way.

Before therapy I always thought I was a nice human who got carried away / in too deep. Little did I realise that my mindset was actually quite toxic & damaging. It lead to some shite mistakes. I said to my therapist I’d sooner break my own leg than say “no” to someone and she looked absolutely shocked. 😳

Onwards & upwards

OP,it’s very easy to be put on the spot especially if you’re not used to it and say „yes” even if it’s detrimental to you.

Look up some assertiveness courses (I bet you find something on YT) and practise saying „no”

The phrase that is very useful before you commit yourself to do anything for anybody is „let me check (diary,calendar,whatever)and get back to you”.

This way you’re not saying „yes” straight away and it gets the request off your back for a while.It also gives you a chance to think it over and reply in writing- email/message thus avoiding face to face confrontation and uncomfortable feeling.

You might encounter some people that are very persistent in pursuing your time/energy as they are not used to you saying „no” to them. Rinse and repeat „let me check…and get back to you” with „I said let me check and get back to you”.

Last repeat might seem to be a bit harsh and rude but this is the requester’s rudeness redirected at them.

As for family and friends you might be met with sulking,arguing and verbal agression. Turn around and walk away (or hang up if you’re on the phone) after saying „don’t speak to me like that” then DO NOT contact them first as it will be seen as your capitulation.

Never,ever say “sorry” with your refusal as it indicates you feeling guilty so they will try again.Don’t offer alternatives either if the request is detrimental to you.

The world is not going to end,the sky won’t fall on your head if you say “no”

As with everything else it takes time and practice. It gets easier with time 🙂

Then it’s straight to “No,it doesn't work for me” “No,I can’t do it” and “No,I don’t want to do it”

Good luck. Stand up for yourself as nobody else will 💐

“Too nice” is a polite way of saying weak willed and lacking in boundaries.

It isn’t a good thing I agree with you there.

I used to be a people pleaser but then a few people took the piss and I'd had enough. Now I'm very good at saying no.

PPs make fair points OP. Are you really nice? As in you genuinely want to support and help others,
and do it cheerfully? Or are you a little weak and conflict avoidant, a people pleaser, and so do these things, resent them and would rather not? As you're asking for ways to say no, I'd suggest it's the second. So you don't need to become less nice, just more genuine and assertive. The first step is to give up on your self image of being 'nice' and visialise yourself as strong and boundaried instead.

You think you're putting people first but actually you're doing it as you care so much about your own image as a "nice person". (You may not be conscious of this). It's not an attractive trait and can come across as quite underhand - particularly if you are martyring yourself in the process.

You sound a bit passive. They reach out to you when they need you. Do you reach out to them when you need them or do you expect them to just know when you need them?

Please dont beat yourself up over it.
There is a reason you do it, but you can also unpack it.

Setting boundaries is so scary, but when you start doing it, and nothing bad happens. You can start to see that the world wont fall apart if you say no or whatever. You just need some practice, I still need lots off it 😅

I suspect you are a people pleaser rather than "too nice".

It's good that you have realised this about yourself. I'd suggest reflecting on why you think it might be the case - did you learn to "conform" as a child because your parents/other adults/siblings would get angry if you didn't? Are you seeking other people's approval because you don't feel you fit in? It's easier to put up boundaries once you realise some of the "why".

I'm the same and I'm trying to work through it. It's hard and for me it stems from an abusive childhood so it's hard to unpack but its possible.

What helped me was when I learnt that being a people pleaser is actually a form of manipulation, we're trying to manipulate people into likeing us. For me I feel safe when everyone around me is happy, if someone isnt happy with me my nervous system freaks out and I feel like I'm in danger but obviously I'm not.

Its important to me to be a good, decent person. And a good decent person does not manipulate the people around them. The kindest and most honest thing would be to say no, or explain to people how you feel etc. Kind you YOU and the other person.

Also, I find most people can smell a people pleaser from a mile off and it actually makes people feel uncomfortable or least they can sense you're being insincere. So then you're either not taking seriously, taken advantage of or really, just secretly disliked. 😬

I was a doormat with certain family members through marriage for 27 years. I finally snapped after my husband died and I realised that I was being disrespected yet again.

I'm quite certain that they now regard my niceness as fake - and maybe they have a point. I spent years not rocking the boat for my husband's sake. I now wish that I'd had more respect for myself.

So you're a wet wipe as my dd would say. Try saying no to something minor, where you're less likely to upset anyone and work up from there perhaps?