Being too “nice” IS a bad thing!

What, said “no” and left it at that? Millions of times. I’ve never said “no is a complete sentence” as a reply to being asked something, I’m not a muppet. I have said it to my mum (also a martyr) when trying to coach her to stop being a doormat for the rest of the family. But luckily she’s got a brain cell and knows not to parrot “no is a complete sentence” like a robot clone of her daughter. 🙄

Hi I’m going to massively paraphrase because I have no idea where I read it, I just tried googling it but that came back with nothing! If anyone knows please tell me.

If you ask a little girl what pizza she’d like she’ll directly say what she wants - Ham & Pineapple.

When she gets older she will say I don’t mind what do you think?

Older still she’ll say ‘You choose I’ll only have a bit/I’m not bothered’

The point is - women are conditioned to make ourselves smaller, saying we don’t mind, we can fit in. The thing is, bending over backwards to not make a fuss or to be seen as easy going can actually do more harm than good. I think about this pizza thing often and remind myself to make choices and to not make myself smaller.

I was fortunate that my employer in my 20s sent all female staff on assertiveness courses and I still use techniques we were taught. As I have got older my boundaries have got even stronger.

I have no trouble saying no, no trouble standing up for things and have a reputation for being fair but taking no bullshit.

It does take a bit of practice but the benefits are huge.

I feel the same @Animalmama I find it near impossible to say no . I also find it impossible to ask for help. I think things like i don't want them to feel upset or disappointed so I will do xyz for them. Then even when people are unkind to me I'm still kind to them because I don't want them to feel how they made me feel.

The worst thing I experienced with a 'too nice' person I loved and trusted, was when I was having a really bad time and had a decision to make. I asked for advice and she agreed with me. Said I was definitely doing the right thing etc etc. I did the thing, it was definitely not the right thing and my 'too nice' friend said sheepishly 'yeah I didn't think it was the right thing' - was 'too nice' to disagree with me or give me an honest opinion.
Obviously don't blame her for my poor decision making, but I've never looked at her the same.

@RiRaAgusRuailleBuaille

No is a complete sentence”, for example.

please say you havent actually said that in RL??

By contrast, OP, I got told I wasn’t sweet enough in an annual appraisal about 20 years ago. I laughed. But she was serious (this from the woman who screamed “shut up you f@&*ing c£%t” at her sales director).

I have verrrrrry firm boundaries, many of which I learned to uphold on here. “No is a complete sentence”, for example.

Out of the four of us who do my current job, one does not know how to say no and IMO is a doormat/martyr/suck up, the other two are easy going but tend to say yes for an easy life (and because they are indoctrinated into saying yes even when they want to say no by the bully who used to manage our team) and then there is me who draws all the fire and fights all the battles. I recently got us all out of a huge time suck of a request from a colleague by just repeating “no, don’t have time” and “which bit of the job my client pays me to do would you like me not to do in order to work for you and how will you break that news to them (you cheeky fu&£er)?”. The other three were convinced I would get the sack for holding the line - and i mean absolutely shitting themselves at what I was doing. Turns out the cheeky fu€%er moved on to his next soft touch and we have been left alone.

Less fear of what people will think, be sure that your reasoning for saying no is bulletproof and start small.

Say no to easy things first. Don’t feel you have to give an immediate answer, gather your armoury of why you can’t do whatever it is and stick to your guns.

The people saying you are “too nice” will be saying it out of frustration because yet again you are complaining to them about doing something for someone

People who are 'too nice' shouldn't feel bad. It's the ones taking advantage knowingly of your kindness that should be feeling bad.

Don't be afraid to say no. You don't even need to give a reason why not to be honest.

Friends and family who are telling you that you are 'too nice' are trying to be kind to you OP. What they mean is that you are being taken advantage of because you have no boundaries.

This is a very unattractive trait and the vast majority of people dislike this kind of personality. It's irritating.

I get it OP. I easily get "swallowed" by people because I genuinely do care but even when the caring puts me in a burnout situation I won't be able to step back to protect myself. I feel responsible for others happiness in a way that's not sane which is probably childhood related (growing up too fast, mothering my father after the divorce because he was broken etc).

It got better when I became a mother because my children would obviously come first so it became easier to say no. Age also helped. At 45 I don't care if people don't like me because I'm not a mug. I will help out if I can and if it doesn't cost me too much in emotional capacity.

Actually I'd flip it around and say it's not you, it's other people. There's always so much victim blaming going on when this topic comes up, "doormat", "wet wipe", "people pleaser" etc. That's like saying if your DH is abusing you it's your fault because you're being a doormat or whatever.
Really people shouldn't be taking advantage of others, or being pushy or treating them badly. If they do, then that's them being an asshole, not the nice person being a doormat.
That said, for your own wellbeing it would be good to not allow people to treat you badly.
This is why I'm now quite brutal about dropping people if I get so much as a whiff of them trying to take advantage of me or mistreat me in some way. I only allow people in my life who don't make me feel like I'm on edge and like I need to guard my boundaries, or who make me feel taken for granted.
So don't feel bad about yourself, just drop the user friends and change your workplace if you feel like it's toxic, surround yourself with other nice people who make you feel good and don't take the p*ss.

Too nice, people pleaser and doormat are too often used as insults on mn when people have to go above and beyond for someone else. The word boundaries is overused, generally telling people to only think of themselves full stop. I don’t think it’s too nice, it’s on the other people who take advantage of nice people- that’s where boundaries come in and are needed!

I personally don’t think you can be too nice and see amazing examples daily of people who stand out because they help people out, make sure they’re ok, let things go (in retail and it’s great not to have someone jump on you when something happens!) treat people a certain way etc. don’t become cynical op, there’s a lot of goodies out there!

As others have said, OP, you're a doormat and need to stand up for yourself (not east I know). It's not the same as being nice.
I had a colleague who described herself as "nice". She was a light-the-touchpaper-and-stand-back type.
Very different.

Well done OP, realising there needs to be a change is the first step!

You can be nice to people without letting them take advantage of you. Practice saying no in a nice way - "Oh I'm sorry, I'm a bit busy next week, I'm not going to be able to do that".

It sounds like you worry that other people will get upset/get the hump with you. Remember that you are not in control of their response and let go of the responsibility for it. You can only control what you do, not what others do. You need to get comfortable with the fact that you cannot please everybody all the time. Maybe some counselling will help you pinpoint where the need to please is coming from and how to work at being more assertive.

No idea

I’m the same I just want to help everybody and be nice all the time

@Animalmama I unfortunately have this problem, and interesting to read replies on here. I have been told I am a 'punch bag' a 'doormat' and people pleaser. I grew up experiencing quite a lot of arguments (between family members) watching fallouts and what not, I believe that has left me with this urge to avoid conflict at all costs and make sure everyone is happy. The unfortunate thing about being a people pleaser is at the end of the day you probably haven't pleased anyone.
I'm still trying very hard to work on me, with the help of my DM.
I do genuinely want to help people too, but I seem to forget that I can't be there for everyone.
I've taken time to observe others in IL family and it has really opened my eyes as to how much of pushover I've always been.
However, I think I always had an issue with this sort of thing, because every year my school report had something along the lines of 'she seems afraid to ask for help' which I didn't know I was doing at the time.

This behaviour is often rooted in childhood - I found therapy v helpful as therapists are good at coaching you through building up your skills in setting boundaries for yourself.

Yes I agree. It is usually learnt behaviour deriving from childhood.