To think that being told to make my work emails more “flowery” is ridiculous?

I would ask for a specific example of an email that I had sent that was insufficiently floral, along with a draft of how this manager thinks it should have been worded.

I too have been asked to proof read emails written by men (and women) to check tone

It’s really not.

im a senior (female) manager and have had to pull two relatively senior male direct reports up on their blunt (aka rude) style following complaints from senior (male) colleagues about them.

A few years ago I worked with a senior male manager who made a point of reviewing all his own emails for tone before he sent them and modelled this to his entire team. It’s a thing!

However I have a colleague who always starts with ' I hope you are well' or by asking about my weekend. I don't like that either, mainly because I have cancer, she knows I have cancer, I don't lie if I can help it so I either have to ignore her pleasantries or tell her the truth. 'Hi colleague, no I'm not well, I had a terrible weekend on the toilet mainly and am still in a lot of pain. I hope your weekend was better than mine'. It doesn't go down well!

I think bringing up someone's weekend / health / downtime is downright rude, whether or not you know they have cancer. Just stick to work issues, and use polite, businesslike language. I've had really shit weekends, got myself together and shown up for work. My life outside work is none of my colleagues' business, and them bleating about it is completely meaningless. If I want their support or fellow-feeling, I will share selectively. Flowery can be really irritating, even upsetting.

I don't react well to email that are very brusque or just a list of instructions.

However I have a colleague who always starts with ' I hope you are well' or by asking about my weekend. I don't like that either, mainly because I have cancer, she knows I have cancer, I don't lie if I can help it so I either have to ignore her pleasantries or tell her the truth. 'Hi colleague, no I'm not well, I had a terrible weekend on the toilet mainly and am still in a lot of pain. I hope your weekend was better than mine'. It doesn't go down well!

I think (hope) 'flowery' was just a bad turn of phrase. I don't think it's necessary for you to be other than professional in your interactions, so no need for personal questions (hope you had a nice weekend etc.) , but you might consider looking at your emails before you send them out to try to see how the recipient might read them.

'Could you do:
A....
B....
C....
before Friday please. Tell me if you're not going to get them done in time.'
Is quite terse, although to the point.

'There are a number of things, listed below, which need to be done before Friday please:
A...
B...
C...
If you need any clarification or don't think you're going to be able to get them done by the deadline please let me know as soon as possible and I will get back to you' is a bit longer but, in my opinion, a bit softer. It's about as soft as I go. Mind you, I have also been told I can be a bit brusque.

And yet, even though conversations about tone are among the most difficult, someone has seen it as a necessary conversation to have with you. Which very clearly means you have stepped from polite/professional into scary/bully.

Your reaction has been to dismiss it and blame them.

People can validly infer a lot from that.

I did a training course years ago on communication styles. Some people like brisk and to the point, some people like all the personal connection stuff. The trick is to know who likes what and tailor accordingly. My guess is your boss likes all the fluffy crap, so send it to them. Some people though it just pisses them off so I wouldn't bother.

I can't be arsed wading through a load of pleasantries and questions about my weekend when you just want to let me know a quick change.

I will say warmth in tone and phrasing is everything especially if your main communication methods are online and not in person. It's hard to say without seeing an example e-mail and I just wanted to say it's worth trying to look back and being honest with yourself as tone can really effect people.

My work is project based with many rounds of feedback and I work often with someone who communication style is terrible. Her blunt phrasing honestly effects my stress levels everyday and really grinds me down.

She will have dictated the entire project down to the final detail but if she wants a change (to something she previously asked for, directly) she will phrase it like this

'This is wrong, should be like this'
'This is weird, you've made it look weird'
'This is in the wrong order'

All of the above will have been completely executed exactly in line with her last request.

She cannot seem to distinguish every time difference between asking pleasantly for a change to something that she previously asked for (we only have to reference the last e-mail she sent) and phrasing it like we've just totally fucked up and not understood anything.

She is one who believes she is 'direct' and a 'straight shooter' but she just comes off as really bad at her job and she can't seem to communicate anything appropriately.

That 'direct' tone - it really gets to you down day in and day out with someone speaking to you rudely and bluntly. It doesn't take that much extra effort to phrase things a little more warmly.

This is the difference.....

'Hmmm that's not quite what I envisioned - here are a few suggested amends of things we can try out so see if that makes it feel better'

'I'm not sure that design is really working for me - can I make some changes to the brief?'

'I've changed my mind about the order - can we swap a few things around and try them in different places?'

Is it possible that they have all been given the same advice?

I am with you OP. And have never had a problem and think this is the current way of thinking.
However, I would adapt to the organisation. If everyone is emailing in the same way, I would adapt to that.
If they are emails to a client, I would add some niceties too, client relationships do need nurturing.
If it is directly targeted at you, because you are a woman and some man has an issue with you specifically. Then I would be really pissed off and start to document any other sexist crap he comes out with too.

Oh and my male manager was also told be be 'nicer' in his e mails as he used to forward a request he had received and used to just add "do this". I think a few people complained as now we get:

"Hi Bloom

I trust this email find you well. Please see email chain below, I would be grateful if you could pick this up.

Kind regards

Boss Man"

Have this to and always goes to the bottom of my to do list!

I’m laughing at how much discussion this has generated!

if it was up to me, I wouldn’t even put “Dear/Hi xxx” or anything with my name at the bottom because in an email, it’s bloody obvious who it’s to and from … that’s what the To and Cc/Bcc fields are for! Writing it in the body is just a hangover from written letters.
But of course I don’t because I recognise others wouldn’t like it. But I still see it as a total waste of time and effort and it costs me a lot of emotional energy to have to add in even that kind of thing. So we are all different and it’s worth remembering that there are quite a few of us like me. We matter just as much as the overly flowery and polite tribe. I’m at work to work not to waste time chatting - not to mention that I have a very heavy workload and an expensive and scarce skill set.

Any chance you could be autistic, OP? (I am) Do people sometimes tell you that you are blunt or very good at finding the nub of the argument?

In work emails, neurotypical people will add lots of filler words and phrases such as "it's just my opinion, but.." an autistic person is more likely to go straight to the point

Your example email sounded polite and concise.

I personally would take this as a sign you are not in keeping with the company management style and your email tone needs to be improved!

It is perfectly possibly to give clear instructions and deadlines but sound polite and considerate.

In my workplace there has been a huge shift to improve this aspect as it was continually coming up in staff surveys as a reason for dissatisfaction and people leaving.

I always try to add a human element and do not see this as flowery. I see communication as a key talent - people work for people. If you continually get people’s backs up because you feel you can’t be bothered to be flowery you really will win no friends above or below you.

It is really not a case that only women get asked to soften things down. We had a male colleague who constantly was abrupt in emails and caused unnecessary upset. He was an abrupt person and really couldn’t see it. He was constantly asked to improve. We also have women like this. They are asked to improve. It isn’t a gender issue - it’s a communication issue.

We agreed the notes would be completed by x date but if that becomes difficult please do say, as soon as you can

This would irritate me so much. I've agreed to a deadline and will meet it. Ugh.

Also - I once had a colleague (not British, from a more direct culture as already mentioned) who didn’t pass her probation in part due to her abrupt email manner. Her line manager was shocked when I told her of an incident early one day in the office when few were in where this employee had responded very thoughtfully and kindly to a stressful situation someone was in. Too late by then.

No, I’m not and I did say your first was a little abrupt.
I wouldn’t work better or worse for either of those styles, but I would prefer direct and clear over waffle any day of the week. Too much waffle and it goes to the bottom of my to-do list (but will always be done when needed).

Anyway, the poll results clearly show a preference so maybe line managers should take note.

Because it’s respectful, boundaried, and reflects the reality of human life rather than pressing a button on a robot. And people I work with work better when they have a sense of ownership.

Are you my team member?

Hi OP, personally I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the examples you gave. It may be a personality thing or the general office culture? Perhaps you come off a bit abrupt in person and the emails are seen as an extension of this. Not saying you aren’t lovely irl(!) but body language and in person or digital interactions effect how we are seen by others.

I had a colleague once who was great and got on well, but she was a very rushed person, always dashing about and got through her paperwork very quickly. Her comms came across in the same way! Some broke off mid sentence which was quite funny (I do miss ya Em 😊). Sometimes I think the way we write is like a little slice of who we are.

Maybe it would help to copy paste some commonly used stock pleasantries into a doc, so you don’t have to waste time and write them from scratch each time. Just pop one in at the beginning and sign off.

Sounds like a pain tb picked up on this though, if that’s all they have to complain about you must be doing a great job.

I have had all the extremes over the years. I had a team leader who used to literally email "huh" sometimes. Not even "can you give a bit more info".

I work with someone now who is so flowery I would swear their emails were AI.