I’m absolutely heartbroken. Lots and lots of heart ache.
I just need to vent.
I’m mid 40’s and boyfriend is 50. We met at Christmas on bumble. Got on so well and saw each other lots. Lots of dates. We video called each other most nights. Every morning ‘good morning’ and a ‘night night’ at the end. He wanted me to meet his parents and so I did. They are going elderly but so lovely. He wanted me to meet his children aged 16 and 18 and I did. My children stay with me every alternate week. His children stays with him 100-% of the time.
We were smitten. I stayed over at his home twice on a weekend and he stayed over at my home once in the last two months.
The catch is that we live a 100 miles apart- opposite sides of London! I work in London and he occasionally works in London.
I nearly didn’t go on the first date because of that. I also screenshotted a google map with the two towns in the very first chats . At the first date we had a great time and a lot of chemistry. But I said to him that I thought the elephant in the room was the distance. He reassured me that we will find a routine, that it will work out, that he can work from anywhere and that from Sept he probably won’t have any children in the house. One is off to uni and the other going to college away from home. The younger one since decided to do A levels at their current school.
We also kissed a lot and couldn’t really keep our hands off. Sex was amazing. This past weekend he came to my home the first time. And I guess, it’s not until you get in the car and drive that distance that you realise how far it is.
Friday was great but Saturday when we woke up something was off. I couldn’t put me finger on it. He was more distanced and didn’t cuddle me like he always did. He said he didn’t sleep well and so I thought it was that. We got up and went to the gym- he loves the gym. Then went out and had breakfast in the high street. Back home and took a quick shower. Then went to the cinema and saw the new B J film. He didn’t touch me at all. I thought it was odd. Very unlike him.
We then went back home. He had a conversation with me in the kitchen. Out of the blue. But at soon as he started it made complete sense why was so withdrawn. He said that another 10 days or so will go by and we won’t see each other. Various work commitments, two funerals, him going on a trip, his child having a sports tournament, my children being with me. And that we were both so busy and that he didn’t have time.
And he then told me that I should have a think how all of this can work because he can’t see how it can work. He said it was so difficult to see each other in person. But the way he said it to me, it clearly sounded like he already had a think. I felt upset and pushed away.
He then left and said he would let me know when he got home, like he always did. But he never did. Usually I would get messages mid drive too. But none.
Later he sent me a short message that he was home, took his dogs for a walk and took his mum to the pub. Just a cold message. Gone were the kisses at the end.
I didn’t sleep at all. I felt so sad. It all happened so quickly. Gone was the good night xxx message from him. And the next morning.
I’m devastated. It went completely cold so quickly. It’s unbelievable.
I’m really not happy with oxytocin. Women’s bodies are designed differently. Whether I want it or not, my brain is absolutely flooded with oxytocin after sex and especially after orgasm. That’s the attachment hormone, the bonding hormone, emotional connection, trust, sense of security, love and cuddle hormone. It’s the same hormone that is released right after a woman gives birth.
When someone hasn’t actually earned a space in your heart just yet, oxytocin makes it feel that way. *
Whereas a man’s body is flooded with dopamine, which is the same hormone rush after using a drug. Simpler pleasure. It can go a much longer time without any real connection. Men can sometimes can be driven a lot more by lust and attraction, rather than bonding. Liking and wanting. All thanks to dopamine. My hormones are different.
I feel a little bit used. His sex drive is really high.
i’m just upset and feel a mess, had a proper sob the last couple of days.
I had such an amazing two months with him. I just cannot believe it’s over.
I sent him another message today. “I’m thinking of you loads. Been rather painful but I’m ok. Are you ok?”
He responded “Glad you are ok. I am doing ok, thanks for asking. I know it’s painful.”
I feel like I’m being pushed through a laminator and that all the butterflies and kisses and daily video calls, and good night/ good morning messages, the time spent together, the dog walks the cuddles and intimacy. All of it is being squeezed out of me and I don’t like it one bit.
And I just miss him.
Even though I feel so sad and heartbroken, I should leave him I peace?
Because Sunday I thought about him all day and knew he was at a sports tournament with his 16 year old all afternoon, and by the end of all that I sent him a quick message asking if he was back home.
Hr just briefly replied.
“Yes just sorting washing.”
So cold and distanced. No more kisses.
Today at work I sent him a message, saying “I’m thinking of you loads. Been rather painful but I’m ok. Are you ok?”
I replied, “Glad you are ok. I am doing ok, thanks for asking. I know its painful.”
I miss him so much but he is pulling away more and more? What do do with myself?
I know it was just a short relationship. You can hardly call it a relationship. Two months. I wish we had a selfie but we don’t. An intense fling? But I’m so sad.