I’m heartbroken. I really hate oxytocin.

I’m absolutely heartbroken. Lots and lots of heart ache.

I just need to vent.

I’m mid 40’s and boyfriend is 50. We met at Christmas on bumble. Got on so well and saw each other lots. Lots of dates. We video called each other most nights. Every morning ‘good morning’ and a ‘night night’ at the end. He wanted me to meet his parents and so I did. They are going elderly but so lovely. He wanted me to meet his children aged 16 and 18 and I did. My children stay with me every alternate week. His children stays with him 100-% of the time.
We were smitten. I stayed over at his home twice on a weekend and he stayed over at my home once in the last two months.
The catch is that we live a 100 miles apart- opposite sides of London! I work in London and he occasionally works in London.

I nearly didn’t go on the first date because of that. I also screenshotted a google map with the two towns in the very first chats . At the first date we had a great time and a lot of chemistry. But I said to him that I thought the elephant in the room was the distance. He reassured me that we will find a routine, that it will work out, that he can work from anywhere and that from Sept he probably won’t have any children in the house. One is off to uni and the other going to college away from home. The younger one since decided to do A levels at their current school.

We also kissed a lot and couldn’t really keep our hands off. Sex was amazing. This past weekend he came to my home the first time. And I guess, it’s not until you get in the car and drive that distance that you realise how far it is.

Friday was great but Saturday when we woke up something was off. I couldn’t put me finger on it. He was more distanced and didn’t cuddle me like he always did. He said he didn’t sleep well and so I thought it was that. We got up and went to the gym- he loves the gym. Then went out and had breakfast in the high street. Back home and took a quick shower. Then went to the cinema and saw the new B J film. He didn’t touch me at all. I thought it was odd. Very unlike him.

We then went back home. He had a conversation with me in the kitchen. Out of the blue. But at soon as he started it made complete sense why was so withdrawn. He said that another 10 days or so will go by and we won’t see each other. Various work commitments, two funerals, him going on a trip, his child having a sports tournament, my children being with me. And that we were both so busy and that he didn’t have time.

And he then told me that I should have a think how all of this can work because he can’t see how it can work. He said it was so difficult to see each other in person. But the way he said it to me, it clearly sounded like he already had a think. I felt upset and pushed away.

He then left and said he would let me know when he got home, like he always did. But he never did. Usually I would get messages mid drive too. But none.

Later he sent me a short message that he was home, took his dogs for a walk and took his mum to the pub. Just a cold message. Gone were the kisses at the end.

I didn’t sleep at all. I felt so sad. It all happened so quickly. Gone was the good night xxx message from him. And the next morning.
I’m devastated. It went completely cold so quickly. It’s unbelievable.

I’m really not happy with oxytocin. Women’s bodies are designed differently. Whether I want it or not, my brain is absolutely flooded with oxytocin after sex and especially after orgasm. That’s the attachment hormone, the bonding hormone, emotional connection, trust, sense of security, love and cuddle hormone. It’s the same hormone that is released right after a woman gives birth.

When someone hasn’t actually earned a space in your heart just yet, oxytocin makes it feel that way. *

Whereas a man’s body is flooded with dopamine, which is the same hormone rush after using a drug. Simpler pleasure. It can go a much longer time without any real connection. Men can sometimes can be driven a lot more by lust and attraction, rather than bonding. Liking and wanting. All thanks to dopamine. My hormones are different.

I feel a little bit used. His sex drive is really high.

i’m just upset and feel a mess, had a proper sob the last couple of days.

I had such an amazing two months with him. I just cannot believe it’s over.

I sent him another message today. “I’m thinking of you loads. Been rather painful but I’m ok. Are you ok?”

He responded “Glad you are ok. I am doing ok, thanks for asking. I know it’s painful.”

I feel like I’m being pushed through a laminator and that all the butterflies and kisses and daily video calls, and good night/ good morning messages, the time spent together, the dog walks the cuddles and intimacy. All of it is being squeezed out of me and I don’t like it one bit.
And I just miss him.

Even though I feel so sad and heartbroken, I should leave him I peace?
Because Sunday I thought about him all day and knew he was at a sports tournament with his 16 year old all afternoon, and by the end of all that I sent him a quick message asking if he was back home.

Hr just briefly replied.
“Yes just sorting washing.”

So cold and distanced. No more kisses.
Today at work I sent him a message, saying “I’m thinking of you loads. Been rather painful but I’m ok. Are you ok?”

I replied, “Glad you are ok. I am doing ok, thanks for asking. I know its painful.”

I miss him so much but he is pulling away more and more? What do do with myself?

I know it was just a short relationship. You can hardly call it a relationship. Two months. I wish we had a selfie but we don’t. An intense fling? But I’m so sad.

It's reasonable for the op to think he was serious if he introduced his children to her.

Let's not be blaming people for taking someone on face value.

@Hortus do you speak to people like this in real life? What a sanctimonious, empathy-lacking response.

You can make the points you made without being mean.

@ClearFruit
I don't think OP wants to listen to those saying she is being way OTT and dramatic, she wants her outrage validated over this very short fling with a random man, you'd think she's coming out of a 25 yr marriage the way she's carrying on.

Would it not be really unhealthy for you to keep sharing your locations? I do feel for you and I'm guessing the fact you were following each other maybe meant that you still felt close to each other or that you hadn't fallen out permanently but in reality there is no need for this. It's a bit of an overstep tbh.

He's actually done the decent thing here and isn't stalking you.

Writing things down is processing for me. Yes, I am an over-thinker like someone said on here.
And apologies if you are bored with my stories. Please scroll on if that’s the case.

And someone else made a comment about AI. There really is no AI. It’s me, journaling, blogging (private) and writing down thoughts.

In the early hours of this morning I made a long list of pointers from this thread. Really useful for me. Helped loads to change my mindset.

• Don’t be someone’s option when you are not their priority.
• He's already checked out.
• It’s not normal for someone to be that intense so very early on. You don’t know each other. True love develops over time when you both know each other. Someone who love bombs either has ulterior motives and will end up controlling, or they are avoidant and are love bombing in the hope to get you attached to them to stroke their own ego. Then they get bored when all the excitement wears off and move on.
• It’s never about you, it’s about them and meeting their needs. They can’t love a healthy way. And you pining after him just lets him know that you care about him and he has you exactly where he wants you should he decide he wants to continue messing with your head. Block him.
• There is something wrong with him, not you because he has treated you really cruelly.
• You swerved a bullet
• You only waisted 2 months
• Don’t give him any more chances to hurt you
• You deserve better
• Long distance doesn’t work with kids unless one uproots
• You are just massaging his ego by letting him know you are still there and available. Stop all contact.
• He hadn’t even made the trip once until last weekend yet was taking you to meet his parents and kids and acting like you had a strong future together. That’s just batshit behaviour.
• When you rush into a relationship it's like a flash fire! A big flash of excitement and then it goes out like a light.
• True love is decades down the line, all flaws exposed, crisis tested, shared history and still wanting to spend time together.
• you'll get the "hey you..." text from him in a few months when he's feeling horny and wants to get a quick leg over. You're worth waaaaaaay more than that.
• ultimately he didn't have the feelings to make it work on his part
• Some guys do this for a living….just no depth. It’s a conquest thing.
• If a man is into you he will do anything to see you. He’s just a dick.
• He needs to go and fuck himself.
• Don’t buy his bullshit
• He Switched off his feelings pretty fast.
• he is a dick. And you need to go watch he’s just not that into you with some ice cream then be done with him.
• Go completely no contact for about 2 months. Like block on everything. If he manages to contact you , even if he’s suddenly being really nice, do not engage. Not at all. There's stuff you can read about it - google ‘no contact rule’. It’s hands down the best way to heal and might also have the fringe benefit of pissing him off / leaving him heartbroken , long after you’ve moved on to better things. Result!
• Delete his number. He's a well practiced player.
• Take it far more slowly next time..
• he may have been future faking until he managed to bed you then lost interest.
• He’s clearly finished with you. Sounds like he wasn’t being authentic and honest if he could end it that abruptly the morning after having sex, after persuading you the distance could work.
• learn how to have strong boundaries
• All people are flawed, all partners are flawed. There’s no magical prince coming to sweep you off your feet and solve all your problems, and there’s no “soulmate” who will match and “get you” ideally.
• The important bit, the bit that makes a difference in whether relationships succeed or fail, comes when you do start to see that your expectations don’t meet reality, your wonderful partner is less than perfect in quite a few ways, and you have differences, sometimes quite tough ones to reconcile. The ability of both people to navigate and reconcile (or accept) differences is what counts.
• he absolutely love bombed you for the validation and is now bored of it.
• If he wanted it to work, it would have.
• He honestly sounds like a massive shit.
• But going in strong then sulking is poor behaviour.
• The good news is you're open to a relationship and love so you'll find a great guy and settle down when you're ready while this guy will still be off doing his lovebombing in 3 month stints until he runs out of options eventually.
• definitely block because he will fizzle out contact and then pop back up in 6-12 months again when he's bored. They always do.
• you want someone who makes an effort for you, not the other way around!
• You are craving the tiny boosts of dopamine you when he replies - its scraps though, and its prolonging the agony.
• it’s not him ending it but the way he did that’s so hurtful. Walk away with your head held high
• He can only mess with your mind if you let him.
• He should have been more level-headed and protective of his children's stability, not involving them in his dating life.
• your boyfriend is and always was a twat. Lots of red flags such as introducing his kids when you’d been together a matter of weeks. Insisting it would work out long distance and then changing his mind when it got a tiny bit difficult. He sounds like a total knob, he probably didn’t come off the dating site when you were seeing each other and chances are he’s found someone more convenient now so he is binning you off.
• Not a nice thing to happen, but you were right about geography being a problem when both have DC under 18 at home - it’s probable he just said otherwise to increase his chances of sex and a short term relationship.
• You won’t be the only woman he’s done this to. He will be hugely experienced at playing the field.
• Don't introduce anyone to your kids so quick, don't invest so much of yourself into anyone so quick.
• He has love bombed you. 8 weeks in you should just be getting to know each other properly, this is too intense and that in itself is a massive red flag.
• It’s not you, it’s him. Don’t tolerate this behaviour, don’t sit waiting for him to text.
• Telling him you miss him is only going to feed his ego. He doesn't miss you at all.
• You need to move forward and the way to do that is to never have any from of contact again. Block him on every form of communication and delete his number.
• If someone wants you 100 miles won’t stop them
• he will contact you again when he’s feeling bored, lonely, needy or horny, and you will have begun to heal from this by then
• stop reaching out to him and I’d be playing hard to get / aloof.
• You are stoking his ego by texting him. He isn't interested. Find your anger, delete his details so that you can't embarrass yourself.
• You can/will do much better.
• Harshly, you’re not heartbroken over him. You’re heartbroken over the thought of him.
• You don’t know this man. You’ve only known him a number of weeks. You don’t truly know his personality.
• Men, usually, think with their knobs. Their affection, kisses, cuddles etc. don’t mean jack shit in the early days before they truly get to know a woman.
• He sounds like a typical love bomber and only wanting the convenience of sex and affection of when it suits him. He may be older than you, but he’s not ready for a relationship or anything serious right now.
• Any sensible person knows you can’t get to know someone well within a few weeks and would be cautious about bringing a new person into their children’s lives because you simply cannot know if things will last based on that short of an acquaintance.
• He is a waste of time with his silly love bombing and then growing cold. It's not very mature behaviour.
• Definitely block him for your own well being. Retaining your dignity is going to be important for you and you'll look back feeling proud that you did. And he's likely to crawl back for attention or casual sex which you just cannot allow.
• You are hoping he's going to tell you it's all a mistake and he was wrong . He won't.
• Go absolutely stone cold on him - not a single message further. He sounds like a player
• The bottom line is that if he really wanted to make this work, he would. Many long distance relationships have survived all sorts of obstacles
• good luck, a shame but definitely the right decision for both of us. Really though the key thing is just cut contact.
• You were love bombed and used. He is done with you. It was a TWO MONTH relationship
• He had absolutely no feelings for you whatsoever. He never did. He wanted the convenience of sex and affection from you when it suited him. To stroke his ego. He introduced you to his kids because he evidently has no emotional maturity or concerns for his own kids security.
• To him, introducing his kids to you was a non-event. Once he caught wind of you falling for him he thought “nah, fuck this” and dropped her like a sack of spuds. Because he isn’t ready for a serious relationship.
• Life's too short to have your heart played with like this, you're not a teenager anymore but he's acting like one. His loss
• there wasn't ever a reason for you to ever go to his house, he did it for convenience...
• It all moved quite quickly, didn’t it? You only met at Christmas and it sounded very intense. That’s a massive red flag. Sounds like he absolutely love bombed you for the validation and is now bored of it. I know it hurts. Best not to rush into things like that. You barely know each other.
• He sounds horrible to do that to you. Clearly wasn't in it for the long run if he can go cold like that.

Please don't let's bring attachment styles into it, we're already dealing with love hormones! There's enough pop psychology muddying the waters! 😊