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Original poster

WWYD about unwanted person at funeral?

39 replies

WorriedAndFree · 03/03/2025 19:08

This isn't just an unwanted person but someone who is also a risk to more than 1 family member of the deceased person. Unwanted person is not a family member.

For context, This person is my ex. I have had nothing (comsentually) to do with him in over 2 years. We have no familial ties like DC and i also have a non mol against him which is due to expire on 12th March. I posted last week about an incident in which he approached and became aggressive with another few of my family members, which resulted in my 10yo DB getting really scared and upset. My DGM died late last week. DGD has been in the pub all day dealing with his grief but has come in quite upset that ex has badgered him for most of that, begging him to be allowed to attend the funeral/wake. My DGD said no and asked him to leave him alone. He persisted until my grandad left. Annoyingly he/we isn't even allowed to grieve his own wife's death without ex making people uncomfortable and it all about him.

We are now worried that ex will just turn up and impose himself on us at an extremely raw time for my family. The location is being kept to family only and the places who need to cater to us but clearly nothing says secret in this town. I'm also now considering not attending because i cant really deal with this, grief and also have DC in tow.

WWYD. How can we make sure he doesn't ruin this without having to not have a wake/funeral all together?

OP posts:
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Original poster
WorriedAndFree · 03/03/2025 22:32

crockofshite · 03/03/2025 21:58

Did you say he's an alcoholic?

Can you bung some cash to a trustworthy acquaintance to take him out somewhere on the other side of town for the day

Ex is an alcoholic yes so usually hanging around or has ears and eyes in most of the pubs.

DGD and DGM only usually went to one venue together that is still open so it's unlikely I could persuade him to host the wake elsewhere as its quite a special place for their memories.

OP posts:
crockofshite · 03/03/2025 21:58

Did you say he's an alcoholic?

Can you bung some cash to a trustworthy acquaintance to take him out somewhere on the other side of town for the day

ReadingSoManyThreads · 03/03/2025 21:07

If he approaches and pesters your DGD again, can he tell him if he comes anywhere near the funeral, he'll be calling the police on him?

Not sure if that'll make him back off or make him worse though. Hard to tell with these types.

muggart · 03/03/2025 21:03

Can you arrange for CCTV?

BlueMum16 · 03/03/2025 20:54

WorriedAndFree · 03/03/2025 19:50

Professional security is probably something we wont we able to fund, although i can look into it just as a possibility. We are just about managing to scrape together for the unexpected funeral costs on top of normal living expenses.

Part of the venue will be privately hired for the wake but the rest remains open to the public.

Show quote history

I would speak to the venue and explain your section is private hire and their customers are not invited. They should be able to close doors or section off in some way.

If he turns up tell them and they will speak to him and ask him to leave.

I didn't mean for you to buy private security.

ALovelyShadeofMauve · 03/03/2025 20:44

I feel more guilty now than I ever have for bringing this awful being into their lives😢 our family can't even grieve in peace, it's honestly exhausting!

Please try not to feel like this. You are NOT responsible for his behaviour. I’m sure your family don’t blame you.

I think, as others have said, the best thing you can do is prepare yourself - and those involved with organising the funeral - for the fact that he may try to push his way in. Confide in anyone you feel comfortable telling that this could happen, and ask them not to share details of the funeral with anyone. Ensure the staff at the wake venue know what the issue is, what he looks like etc., and insist that no one is allowed into the private area without your expressed permission. Given that you say he’s an alcoholic and known in the area, is there a chance he’s already known by this venue? If he’s someone they’d recognise as a troublemaker, that could stand in your favour.

I hope it goes as well as it can.

LimesOfBronze · 03/03/2025 20:36

You need to talk to your funeral director. They’ll have encountered this thousands of times before.

JohnofWessex · 03/03/2025 20:34

I would suggest getting in touch with a Womens Aid organisation for advise and support in going to The Police for a further non-mol.

HelenWheels · 03/03/2025 20:31

i would bet he wont come and he definitely cannot come to the wake

DrummingMousWife · 03/03/2025 20:20

It’s any excuse to be involved with you and your family, why would any want to attend a funeral for someone they had no relationship with ? He is clearly unhinged .

Original poster
WorriedAndFree · 03/03/2025 20:14

@RampantIvy As far as I'm aware he doesn't actually know the specific details yet, he is currently just begging and pushing for "permission" to attend and gain that information.

My DGD says he was relentless for about 2 hours, following him around, buying him drinks, offering to pay for the funeral. The more my grandad said no, the more he found another thing to offer as a persuasion until my grandad gave up and had to leave. Its this attitude that is making me worry. Why is he forcefully so desperate to attend when there is no actual reason to? He isn't family, he has no ties that may make his attendance reasonable, my DGM didn't even like him in the little interactions that they had together.

OP posts:
IDontHateRainbows · 03/03/2025 20:12

I'd hire a professional security man, may cost a few hundred but worth it?

Original poster
WorriedAndFree · 03/03/2025 20:04

Just for reference his specific conditions are...

To not use or threaten any violence
To not threaten, harrass, intimidate or pester
To enter my street or an address where I live or am staying
To not communicate directly to me in any way
Not to make posts about me on social media
Not instruct/encourage a person to do anything stated in the order, especially on his behalf

Apparently it's impossible to have a clause for him to not be in the same place as me because it would prevent him from living his daily life as I did raise this when the order was made. So it makes his actions quite tricky to class as a breech.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 03/03/2025 20:00

How does he know the date of the funeral? Why did anyone think it a good idea to tell him?

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Delphiniumandlupins · 03/03/2025 19:57

This is so hard for you because he's already causing upset and will do so on the funeral day, whether or not he shows up. Obviously this is his intention. Have you spoken to the funeral director? I'm sure you will not be the first family to have faced this situation.

Original poster
WorriedAndFree · 03/03/2025 19:56

I'm going to speak to my DGD tomorrow when he sober's up and try and come up with a plan to cover all possibilities.

I feel more guilty now than I ever have for bringing this awful being into their lives😢 our family can't even grieve in peace, it's honestly exhausting!

OP posts:
Cucy · 03/03/2025 19:54

I would ring the local police station and ask for their advice.

As PPs have said, I’d also speak to the funeral place.

Find out if you can ban him completely and if not what behaviour would be enough to have the police remove him.

I don’t know enough about non-mol orders but I thought this meant he can’t come and bother you.

Original poster
WorriedAndFree · 03/03/2025 19:50

BlueMum16 · 03/03/2025 19:46

Are you private hiring a venue for the wake? I would speak to them about how they will limit uninvited guests

Professional security is probably something we wont we able to fund, although i can look into it just as a possibility. We are just about managing to scrape together for the unexpected funeral costs on top of normal living expenses.

Part of the venue will be privately hired for the wake but the rest remains open to the public.

OP posts:
BlueMum16 · 03/03/2025 19:46

Are you private hiring a venue for the wake? I would speak to them about how they will limit uninvited guests

Rocknrollstar · 03/03/2025 19:45

Could you employ a security guard for the day? I was worried about someone turning up to a funeral but I told my DH to call the security guard who works at the cemetery if they turned up.

Itisbetter · 03/03/2025 19:42

Report to the police. Alert venue and funeral directors. Carry on as normal and focus on your DGM. Don’t let him into your head.

Nellsbell · 03/03/2025 19:40

I would contact the police maybe you need to get another order in place as it sounds like he hasn’t learnt from his actions op.

Original poster
WorriedAndFree · 03/03/2025 19:34

Cucy · 03/03/2025 19:26

What will happen if he turns up?

You say he’s a risk - that’s a police issue.

If he’ll just be there (but by his presence cause distress), then it’s trickier.

I would speak to all of the family members and anyone involved in the funeral and ask them not to tell anyone any details.

Have a plan all together to be polite but don’t try and appease him.
If he turns up just ignore him and ask him nicely to leave you alone as it’s not the time or the place.
Have everyone else do the same.

If he becomes difficult then threaten to call the police.
If he carries on, then call them.

You can’t not go because it sounds like he’ll try and go whether you’re there or not, so it wouldn’t be fair to your family.
You all need to stick together.

He is unpredictable so its not 100% clear what could or would happen if he turned up but best case scenario he would just sit there imposing on everyone (particularly DGD) and making everyone fearful and uncomfortable. Worst case scenario he would target myself or my mum in a verbal or physical attack.

The grounds I had for a non mol wasn't just abuse, it was a year and a half of stalking, harrassment, having my house broken in to, myself and friends assaulted if they were seen with me, him sleeping in my garden. I haven't had friends for 3 years, I can't date, I can't go in pubs, I been seen passing a greeting in public to a man etc because everyone around me and their safety is at risk.

OP posts:
Jeeekers · 03/03/2025 19:30

Bouncer and list.
there's only one name on the list.

Bouncer double checks vs ID, no id. Ask to see mobile phone name etc on settings screen

Cucy · 03/03/2025 19:26

What will happen if he turns up?

You say he’s a risk - that’s a police issue.

If he’ll just be there (but by his presence cause distress), then it’s trickier.

I would speak to all of the family members and anyone involved in the funeral and ask them not to tell anyone any details.

Have a plan all together to be polite but don’t try and appease him.
If he turns up just ignore him and ask him nicely to leave you alone as it’s not the time or the place.
Have everyone else do the same.

If he becomes difficult then threaten to call the police.
If he carries on, then call them.

You can’t not go because it sounds like he’ll try and go whether you’re there or not, so it wouldn’t be fair to your family.
You all need to stick together.

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