Teenaged DD not letting go of childhood.

Does she go online at all, OP?

My 16 yr old DS has been known to watch Bluey! And still likes cuddly toys!

Lots of adults like Sanrio, collecting toys etc. It’s fine.

I think the issue here isn’t the tv and toys but the lack of being able to cope independently and lack of self confidence.
I think you could very gently and slowly start to encourage her to do small independent tasks. This would develop her self-confidence. This is what the SENCO recommended for my son who is ASD and young for his age.

Are there any local youth groups aimed at SEN children? Or any groups at school or the local library? A specific activity could be good e.g. sewing, board games, crafts, as this is often an easier social situation for SEN kids to navigate.

Does DD have a diagnosis? Are there resources you can consult?
Any way you can get her motivated to move on in small ways? Like - let’s make room for your Hello Kitty collection … we can get a shelf but we need to pack this other stuff away.
Re-decorate room?
Find more teen focused animated series?

Perhaps comment on other girls style of dress you see at school and say - that would suit you … should we shop ?
Maybe get her nails done at adult salon with maybe cute artwork.

The bra - Google comfort ones for asd. Talk to her about keeping her body healthy and private.

Gently suggest and reward small changes.

Ultimately though -
Is it about your worries, or about her comfort in herself?

She ticking a lot of boxes for autism OP, does she have a diagnosis? That would be the first thing I'd look into. She may well be 3 years behind with her emotional maturity.

I would let her watch and play what she wants at home as her safe space but I would slowly be working towards making her more independent. Getting her to make her own breakfast - lots of help and support with each step of it at first, getting her to buy something in a shop with you there for support, that sort of thing, breaking everything down into small steps and being there to help her if there is any problem. Talking through with her what she needs to do.

Don't force her to grow up out of things that bring her comfort but start encouraging her to make small steps towards independence in other ways.

Thinking about it, I think I was the same myself as a teen. I remember listening constantly to a Wombles LP when I must have been about 15-16, and not being able to engage with school friends who were listening to "proper" pop music that I didn't know so we couldn't have a conversation about lyrics, etc., as I'd feel embarrassed to admit what I listened to when anyone asked me who my favourite pop star was!

But I soon "grew up" when I had to, which for me was leaving school and starting work. My God, I "grew up" pretty damn fast when instead of being surrounded by school age teens or family, I was suddenly surrounded in the workplace by middle aged men and women!

A teen or adult has to be accompanying a young child to be allowed in.

Most I know set their criteria of what children are allowed by age but one I know sets to by height.

My ASD DD is a strange mix. She dresses like a 70s punk/goth but loves her stuffed animals, Animal Crossing, lots of kiddy stuff. This weekend we went to an aquarium with an Animal Crossing display and we went in quiet hour with one of her friends from on-line school. The place was full of autistic kids and adults collecting Animal Crossing stamps and being excited over meet and greets. She looked "normal" in this audience.

You cannot expect your ASD daughter to age in line with NT kids. Some of us never grow up. My DP loves his lego!

Hopefully your DD can find her tribe. Any ASD clubs or activities around would help her meet likeminded individuals.

It could be that your DD has anxiety around change and she's trying to 'hold on' to her younger childhood as a coping strategy. None of us here can diagnose but it does sound like she might benefit from some assessments.
It is quite common for children who are autistic to develop socially/emotionally/intellectually at a much slower pace. For girls who are autistic, puberty can be particularly/challenging scary as they start their periods/see their bodies changing. There is also the change they see in their peers as they start navigating sexual relationships and friendship group dynamics etc.

It is also quite common for girls on the spectrum to present in different ways from boys and consequently manage to 'fly under the radar' for longer.

My DS is 15 and has autism. He still plays with toys, writes to Father Christmas, says he's never going to leave home etc. He is also in the top sets for most of his subjects at school. Again, it's very common to have a 'spikey profile' when you have autism.

If the school has also raised concerns, I would speak to the Senco. Take a list of the things you're worried about. It may be worth applying for an EHCP for her.

An EHCP can also include working on independence targets, not just academic targets. It can include things like travel training. As part of the needs assessment, she will be seen by several professionals including an educational psychologist who could provide some useful insights.

There's some good info here:
https://www.ipsea.org.uk/Pages/Category/get-support

My ASD teenager doesn’t follow the same patterns of a stereotypical teen. She is still growing and thriving.

is your daughter engaging with school? Does she think about her future? If so, I wouldn’t really worry.

I was like this, very fixated still on TV like CBeebies and still very into soft toys and cartoon characters etc in my teens. I did also have some age appropriate interests but always alongside things aimed at toddlers. I have autism and ADHD (although undiagnosed then) and I think it was partly a comfort thing and partly that my social development was not developing at the same rate as my academic ability. I did mostly grow out of those things eventually but much much later than my peers and I also still like things like Sanrio, Pokemon, Studio Ghibli etc which I guess are just forms of cartoon character that is acceptable as an adult! Lots of adults like Disney films and Studio Ghibli films, I wonder if you could focus on her moving away from Bluey/ITNG and more towards things like these which at least other teens her age might also be into? That said watching toddler TV now and again exactly doing anyone any harm if it brings her comfort.

This.
Bless - it's definitely unusual, but if allowed, many of my generation would have happily chosen this route to escape the trap of growing up.

Family therapy could be a good way to go, OP. For some reason it seems DD is not willing or able to grow up and start finding her own way in the world, she wants safety and comfort like a much younger child. Therapy could help you both understand what's going on here.

Ok, I am no expert but here's my take on this.

She sounds like she has very particular (I'm not saying "special" because that has medical/developmental connotations) needs and fears. She also has her individual likes and preferences and also dislikes - we're all like that.

The problem with mainstream secondary schools and adolescence is that they're scary places with huge pressure to conform and meet certain standards and ideals and lots of kids simply can't.

With young children who are learning to walk, climb and explore, what do we do? We "scaffold" them. We say, climb that climbing-net and I'll stand underneath you and be ready to catch you if you fall. We go in the soft play and hold their hands until they are ready to be brave and go solo. And that will be at different rates for different children.

You say you don't have any close family. Do you have any close friends that you both trust. Of course it will have affected her ability to strike out on her own if she hasn't really had the experience of having anyone apart from you to rely on. You are her constant.

You need to help make being independent more attractive to her, while simultaneously making it less scary. Would she like to go shopping by herself and you'll meet her in a cafe afterwards? Things like that. Little challenges to build her independence.

If she’s SEN does she have any assistance from anywhere ? To help her with coping strategies or anything ?

I would start there. Give her tasks - start very small - that can earn her virtual money to collect/buy these things. Don't phrase it in terms of growing up, but in terms of everyone does a share. Even a three-year old can be made to do their share (my toddler picks up stuff of the floor and helps set the table and runs around bringing their sibling their clothes to put back in their wardrobes) so it's not necessarily an age-thing.

Work on her skills that way.

My stepdaughter went through a little bit of this when she hit her tween years (went from wanting gaming laptops for Christmas to Sylvanian Families like she did when she was little), kind of baby talking again etc. - she’d been through trauma with her mum being unwell so not sure if it was related to that. I just joined her in playing with those toys, and she eventually ‘grew out’ of it a second time.

I also have personal experience of this, I was a couple of years younger than your daughter is now but when I was 12ish I had a birthday party at soft play. The staff must have thought it so weird but it’s what I asked for and my mom happily obliged. I also watched In The Night Garden, Storymakers and all the old kids telly stuff (my mom just sat there like ??? while I avidly watched Camberwick Green every night before bed). For what it’s worth, I have ADHD (and those around me suspect autism) but did grow out of that phase eventually.

Your post does make me suspect neurodivergence, just wanted to put my personal experience there in case it helps you feel less alone.

This might be a case of 'be careful what you wish for'. My autistic teenager is hanging on to a lot of comfort activities (games and shows) from childhood; I think it makes him feel safe, like he knows what's going on. The times he's stepped out and befriended children who are more into 'teenage stuff', it often quickly went into inappropriate (and to be honest, quite scary) territory. He doesn't have the impuls control and insight to be able to handle himself well when people try and get him to join in with stuff that's on the edge, and I think they find it funny to see how he reacts. He got dragged into friendships and relationships that were too much for him to handle and now he doesn't go to school at all. The same was the case for autistic girls in his year, with some stuff that was even scarier, because of how vulnerable teenage girls are who want to fit.

You need to let her be. She has a lot of years to grow up.

My daughter is 19, autistic in a full time job. She still plays Pokémon, collects hello kitty and anime toys etc.

However is still very reliant on me for a lot of things. My 18 year old daughter watches curious George and Charlie and Lola - she isn’t ND it’s a comfort.

Thank you. This does explain it. I agree with talking to her school / counsellors about the best ways to support her developing independence.

It's not going to look like all the other kids branching out ... and that's okay! Just help her to ease gently and safely into the wider world

Mine is too, she was only recently diagnosed with ASD as she can mask strongly outside of home. We have both only been diagnosed within the last 6 months

She's had adaptions made in school/home and life has been made easier for her, but there isn't much support in regards to helping her make friends or understanding social rules ect. Sorry that's what I meant

Nothing wrong with watching Bluey or playing with dolls etc - I noticed when my children were younger that their older cousins seemed to enjoy watching CBeebies and playing with their toys with their younger cousins providing the ‘excuse’. I can understand the comfort / respite of a simpler time when life is getting complicated as a teenager.

BUT I can understand why you’re worried by the overall developmental picture. I would suggest you ask for an appointment with the school SENCO. Your daughter might not meet the threshold for them to refer to an educational psychologist but if you can afford a private referral they might suggest if they think this would be helpful and what to ask.

Good luck xx

Kids mature at different ages. Yes, she sounds unusual, but unless there are any underlying disabilities (mental or physical), just leave her be what she wants to be.

Our son stayed immature throughout his teen years. Didn't do anything with school friends outside school, throughout secondary, not even in the sixth form. Never went out with friends at the weekend. Basically his whole life was based on what we were doing. No girlfriends either. He'd never even gone to a pub or club by the time he left school. And certainly went nowhere unless we were with him.

He went to uni, but it was 2020 so it was all restricted due to covid, no face to face lectures, seminars, etc., so he basically never left his flat as all teaching and "socials" were online. He didn't really get friendly with his flat mates in the first year either, not helped by everyone being forced to study from home between Jan and April 2021! He opted out when they started talking about sharing a flat for year 2! He stayed on campus for year 2 in a new flat with new people and still didn't seem to be making friends, having a social life, etc.

We started to get more and more worried about him being reclusive and a "loner" as we'd hoped he'd come out of his shell at Uni. But he started getting friendly with his old year 1 flatmates mid way during year 2. Started going to their flat in town for the odd meal/drinks night. Still made no friends with anyone else. But then one of the flat mates announced they were leaving at end of year 2 and the others invited our son to take their place for the third year. It was an absolute revelation. He changed enormously in year 3. Massive growth in confidence. He started going out with them, making new friends (i.e. making friends with their wider friendship group, etc). By the end of year 3, he was a different person completely.

He went straight into a graduate scheme job the month after graduation. Huge firm, had to move to a different city. Again, we were worried about his maturity, making friends, settling into his first "proper" job, without us around (we were over 100 miles away). But he absolutely nailed it all. He was going out for after work drinks with work mates within the first week. Then he started wanting to follow his "home" football team at their away matches and just took it upon himself to get trains to matches all over the country (never been on a train before on his own!). Then decided he wanted a weekend in London to see a particular exhibition - organised it all himself, went on his own. Then he organised his own trip to the Silverstone Formula 1!

He "grew up" within less than a year, after being really immature for best part of 21 years and not really being a teenager at all.

So, OP, really don't worry. They mature at their own pace, as and when they want to. In our son's case, it was being away from home that gave him the nudge he needed to act like an adult as he knew it was all down to him as to whether he wanted to make friends, socialise, do things, or not, and he decided he wanted to and found it within himself to put himself out there!