Teenaged DD not letting go of childhood.

That's great, if true. Maybe she's just an Anne Rice purist and has no interest. They do exist, just usually not in her demographic.

When you say she spends a lot of time online, what is doing, exactly?

If the "Russian literature" she's been reading included Lolita, by the way, that's also a red flag for exposure to kink. The ddlg crowd are obsessed with it

Hi, OP. The recent resurgence of popularity for Interview With A Vampire is because of a tv adaptation. It's on iPlayer if you want to have a look. The unique selling point of this adaptation is that it takes the homoerotic undertones of the book and makes them more upfront. It's Louis and Lestat in a gay relationship, basically, complete with sex scenes.

I mention this because it seems unlikely your teenage daughter, who spends a lot of time online, didn't get into the book through the show. It's a pretty explicit show. Think Game of Thrones or True Blood. I doubt it's the kind of thing you'd allow your fourteen year old to watch normally, so if she is watching it, she's streaming it behind your back. That's one point to consider.

Another point is that the way you describe her . . . if she is a big fan of this show, there's no way she's not involved in online fandom for it. She will hide this and delete any history if she knows you're looking, but she will be spending a lot of time on Tiktok, Tumblr, and the fanfiction writing site Archive of our Own (AO3 for short.)

Let me be very clear. You might think this is cute and harmless - just teenage girls writing stories about the male characters they have a crush on. But the vast, vast, vast majority of what she's reading will be explicit gay sex. Far more in-depth stuff than she's seeing on the TV show. Less than one percent of fanfiction is what you might call "gen fic" (stories about the characters). The rest is romance stories with a lot of explicit sex scenes, or just straight up porn. Anal sex, anal fingering, rimming, and things like that, will be standard fare in almost every story she's reading. Given that it's a vampire fandom, I can tell you without even bothering to look that there will also be a heavy presence of kink. Blood-drinking, choking, and BDSM are a guarantee.

This is your daughter's first exposure to sex. Everything I described will be completely normalised within the fandom. Young women like your daughter - every one of whom will describe herself as having ADHD, autism and anxiety - will be the ones writing these stories. She'll think she's found her people.

In this community, "kink-shaming" is considered a form of bigotry akin to homophobia, so no-one will be reining anyone else in when they go too far. No-one will want to be mean and tell them the kink stuff is ridiculous. Or admit it makes them uncomfortable. As you can imagine, this leads to the autistic, inexperienced young authors diving deeper and deeper into kink to gain clout with their peers. It makes them look more mature and gets them respect if their fics are more sexually explicit. Everyone's chasing novelty. It's not uncommon for girls like this to freely admit to watching gay porn to get "inspiration".

The boundary is getting pushed further and further out, and the younger people coming into these fan spaces have no reference point for what's normal. So they decide it all is. They form the opinion that extreme kink is just sex, and think it's what is going to be expected of them in adulthood. You can imagine the issues these girls are developing as a result.

If your daughter is clinging to toddler things the way you describe, two things could be happening. One is that she's regressing out of fear. Adulthood is sex and sex is scary and degrading, so she wants to go back to being a little kid. The other, more disturbing option is that she has encountered a kink popular in these spaces, known as "ddlg" or "daddy dom little girl". Basically one person infantilises themselves by behaving like an actual child, and then another comes along and "doms" them (in the BDSM sense) by being their sexual "daddy".

I'm sorry. It's as vomit-inducing as it sounds. But you will see young girls caught up in this on these social media sites. Live streaming with strange men from their bedrooms. I don't mean to scare you, and I hope this isn't what's going on with your daughter, OP. I don't think it's likely.
But I do think she has probably been exposed to sexual content she wasn't mature enough to cope with, and she's struggling to process it. I think there's a side to her you're not seeing, and it would be a good idea to check her devices.

Plenty of autistic teenagers have a plushie collection, but for a fourteen year old to be watching In The Night Garden at the same time as reading Russian literature, is unusual.

She sounds autistic. Is she autistic?

This is a very complex thread to enter into. And I haven't read every detail of it. But it seems that this a 14-year-old, not a toddler. So "she spends most of her time in her nurse" seems inappropriate, whether or not that was a typo for "nursery" which I hope it was.
This child probably needs a diagnosis. But also needs grown-up parents.

I'm autistic and was still watching some older kid programs even during my college years. Heck even as an adult, I still watch the old favourite disney films. To me they're ageless classics and can be enjoyed at any age.

I hate to say this, but I would try to stop her reading feminist literature. It sounds like she is doing deep dives into the worst of male behaviour and this is colouring her entire perspective. I am a feminist and I have to limit my exposure to male sexual violence content to be able to cope with it and I am an adult. Its very, very distressing. When I do engage with this stuff I have to remind myself of all the decent normal men I interact with in my life. It sounds like your daughter has nothing to ground her, and what she is reading is making the world and men too terrifying to engage with.
She clearly does not have the ability to cope with this stuff and her exposure to it needs to be limited/ removed.

Family therapy/ therapy with her may help. Or therapy just for her. Or both.

Also, you need to be more of a constant than her nanny. Sorry, but a nanny is an employee and will leave her life. She will know this.

Massive, MASSIVE drip feed about her being AuDHD.
You sound as though you're embarrassed by your daughter.
Poor girl.

It sounds like age regression from trauma tbh

'AIBU for being fed up about this and also how do I explain to her to grow out of this?!!!!!!!?? How can I help her???'

Op, kindly, you do know that people do not grow out of disabilities and SEN?

I think the way to help her is to educate yourself a bit.

Perhaps speak with hcps, Google for coping strategies, see if there are any support groups for parents you can attend? Stop being frustrated with her and just support and encourage her.

I wonder if you (or possibly your nanny if they are effectively raising her) have done much to gently guide her towards more autonomy and independence? She needs pointing in the right direction and gently pushing to expand her comfort zone. Have you got her to walk down to the nearest corner shop with you walking 20 steps behind watching from a distance, and buy herself a packet of sweets? (break that down into smaller chunks if even that is too hard for her). Teach her simple meals and get her to cook for herself once a week. Small steps that don't overwhelm her and go slow and small enough that she is making progress but at a pace that doesn't overwhelm her.

OP from your replies it sounds like it's just her interests that are "younger" but academically she's on track? She's sounds very much like my autistic niece. Her parents have to be vigilant of her social media use. She's smart as hell but very vulnerable to exploitation and depression. I wouldn't worry about her interests being younger if that's what brings her comfort and you mentioned she does have friends so she's not completely socially isolated. Have school said what their concerns are about what she's said?

I don't have children 🙄I thought soft play was babies in ball pits not teenagers.🙄

You seem to be forgetting the 4 to 12 year olds. YES of course people other than babies and toddlers enjoy and are allowed at soft play 🙄

Sounds a lot like my DD, she is getting more independent since making friends with other ND teens at school. My DD still watches bluey (so do a few of her friends)and has toys, she can be very anxious going out alone but the going out alone is getting easier and she is socialising more and getting more independence. She wont wear bras but will wear crop tops/camis with support under her shirt. Would your DD be interested in making friends? It may be something school could help with by linking her up with others at school or there may be some out of school clubs where she could meet others. There is a youth club in my area for SEN children, if you look online for your council local offer there may be things there.

Im AuDhD. I was before retiring an Autism Specialist.
Your dd is going through a phase very common to girls with this dx. She’s frightened. If she doesn’t grow up she doesn’t have to see you age, she doesn’t have to leave home, go to uni etc. She’s terrified. You need to talk these things through with her. Reassure her that growing up doesn’t mean she has to lose things, or lose you.
Let her keep her cuddlies, 30 year old still has his, he’s a uni counsellor for students with Autism. Dd 28 still has hers and gets new ones regularly. She has a biology degree,but can’t yet live alone, but that’s okay, she has a flatmate/carer.
Just talk and take it slowly.

ps, Dd never wears a bra, start with cami tops or sports bras, let her choose.

That explains it.
In that case, just let her be. Her mental and emotional age is evidently behind other teenagers, so while she might be growing up physically, mentally she still is a small child. Dont pressure to rush her into liking 'adolescent' things when shes not mentally ready, she'll develop in her own time

I had a student at university where I did 1:1 support. She lived at home in what I would describe as an insular family. She was very bright. When she arrived for her first session she had one of the toddler beakers with her and drank from that and several little soft toys fixed to her rucksack. She did get her degree but it took an extra year. My own feeling was that it would have been better if her family had encouraged gentle independence and also to make her aware of boundaries or normalcy. We don’t have to be too rigid but we all want to belong to one tribe or another. There wasn’t a group where university students drank from toddler beakers.

As someone who has ASD, who until the age of 19 loved My Little Pony, and now still loves Sanrio, Anime and other cartoons, i would honestly only be concerned about her if she was becoming depressed. These things bring her comfort, and this is common in Autism specifically to have hyper fixations on these things.
I had almost no friends as a teen, and spent most of my time online in communities with like minded teenagers who also loved the things I did!
I am now a mum, with a AuDHD partner, and I’m coping just fine! I did have some therapy just to help build some confidence in myself as I had horrible anxiety, and it helped a lot, so I highly recommend therapy with a therapist who is good with those with AuDHD.
It can be hard to watch as your child grows up knowing they are different…but just in case no one has told you lately, you are doing great ❤️

I used to go to student nights with my friend at the soft play right up to my late 20s. It sounds like she needs some specialist support, though.

I’m 38 and I’m still into anime, Pokemon etc, have many many soft toys, figures and just today I bought a hello Kitty T-shirt. My mother always used to laugh at me and the things I liked and I hated her for it. As an adult I have a husband, a house and a well paying job so I didn’t do too badly in life. I will say I don’t have many friends as I never really met anyone with similar interests except my husband. The ones I do have I’m probably a bit pretend with as in I act like how they do so I don’t come across weird. But I know I’m not a child and I don’t act like a child, I just like things that are perceived as childish.

So she has special education needs and you're wondering why her development isn't the same as her peers?

She sounds similar to how my daughter was at 14. Honestly it was driving me to distraction. I loved her strength of character to like what she liked and not care that it wasn’t the cool or in thing - but at the same time she was desperately lonely and it wasn’t making her any friends.

She’s nearly 17 now and I look back and am gobsmacked at how far she’s come. She still loves Bluey but she’s somehow turned that into a cool character quirk 😂. She has a good core group of equally neurodivergent kids who have gradually drawn her towards independence who all kind of fell into her life by accident and stayed. Shes now looking at university and possibly even living away from home for it. She has career aspirations, wants to learn to drive in a few months, is deeply into musical theatre and manages to get herself to auditions, rehearsals etc. Last night I saw her sing on stage and I wondered where this human had come from.

There is so much difference between 14 and 17. Like your daughter mine is also insanely intelligent (book smart, very much not life smart 😂) and I sometimes wonder if perhaps that’s part of a reason why she’s hung on to her childish loves, as a kind of balance to that. Give her time, it’s sounds like she’s an incredible young woman who is facing some challenges right now but has incredible potential with the right support ❤️