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AIBU?

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Teenaged DD not letting go of childhood.

256 replies

orangeandyellowandbr0wn · 03/03/2025 12:26

My teenaged dd doesn't seem to be growing up. She isn't letting go of her childhood.
She still plays with toys and wants to be played with, has no independence and won't even leave the house alone, has very few friends who she never goes out with as well and doesn't engage properly in school/advanced topics of discussion. She also still watches babytv/in the night garden/bluey etc. She doesn't wear bras (which might cause embarrassment for her) and has temper tantrums quickly and easily. Additionally, she likes soft play, imagination play and talking to herself and I still feel like I have a toddler and she hates the idea of being a teenager and engages in no 'teenage' behaviour either. She's never thrown away any of her baby stuff/baby books/toddler stuff either.
I don't want her to be the stereotypical eye rolling moody teenager but I'm so, so fed up. AIBU for being fed up about this and also how do I explain to her to grow out of this?!!!!!!!?? How can I help her???

OP posts:
CoffeeAndEnnui · 03/03/2025 21:02

We caught up with old friends from my DD's early childhood last summer when they crossed paths at a hobby club. The girl's mum told me how very young her DD was for her age, how she played with toys, watched cartoons, had no interest in make-up, boys, doing anything social on her phone etc. Was just interested in her activity and being a homebody.

DD had her here with some other friends from the club for a local activity. She messaged incessantly afterwards about a boy from the gathering, created group chats to try to learn everything she could about him, wrote reams of fan-fiction-style stories about their imagined dating life and eventually moved on to sending him the stories and pressuring him to respond. My DD helped the (rather alarmed) boy shut things down but it was a LOT for him.

The girl, allowed relatively unlimited screen time to regulate her mood, had been in online forums for some of her 'babyish' interests and got into fandoms from there. Her mum was oblivious to her complicated and unregulated online world and how it had shaped her thoughts and behaviour. You seem to be unwilling to accept you might not know everything about your child.

SnoopyPajamas · 03/03/2025 20:58

MissDoubleU · 03/03/2025 18:53

I wouldn’t shut it out either though. Being LGBTQ+ and her having the trauma you spoke of actually lean me in the direction that she is, even in some small way, correct. Your DD is clearly intelligent, you say academically she does well and is extremely well read. She clearly isn’t afraid of adult discussions with the books you say she’s reading. It’s not that she isn’t capable, but that she feels more comfortable at least some of the time being/playing “younger”

Age regression doesn’t have to be kink related at all, it’s often a trauma response and is more common in ND people. It isn’t necessarily something to be afraid of in itself. But yes, it can also go in hand with kink. I believe it would be helpful for you to calmly research and consider these things carefully.

Thank you. It's a relief that at least one person understands what I'm trying to say.

Somerandomgirl · 03/03/2025 20:54

Hello, mom op. I will be the different comment here.😘 I know many people like your daughter. Well we're adults now but we were once kids. The nerds 😃the hermits we describe ourselves . Just like you describe her. And maybe me/we still are somewhat like that😉Let her be as she is. Does she love to draw aswell? I think yes! So that brings the love for all these cartoon characters and animes and collecting toys and figures etc. Its helps us imagine or daydream if you want to call it. It's bit infantile yes. I bet she loves to collect other cute stuff aswell. Just let her be. There is other people like her and quiet A LOT even! Take her to Comic Cons . Make her costumes of her fav characters. You will see at comic con theres thousands of this kind of people. Google it even what I'm talking about. Theres nothing wrong with her, the adhd is just another matter. Check if there is some nerdy gamer groups around you, or art classes.
But please dont worry yourself and dont get frustrated and dont be with the attitude of the first post. Sounded to me like u really hate this. About the going out...well not everyone likes going out or meeting people... she's totally an introverted person by everything u have said.
Youve watched the big bang theory..its this kinda people

SnoopyPajamas · 03/03/2025 20:51

orangeandyellowandbr0wn · 03/03/2025 18:37

@SnoopyPajamas Seriously what the fuck?? Why do all your answers have to be related to her discovering kink or acting upon it? Seriously weird if you ask me. I check EVERYTHING as well as read everything. I know when she lies. You’re the one actively seeking out a way for her to be in the worst possible hypothetical situation here.

This is like telling someone "Look, pornography is everywhere these days. You should get out ahead of it and have a talk with your son" and having them scream "Don't sexualise my teenage son, you sick freak!" back at you.

You've missed the point and lashed out at someone who was only trying to help you. I've said multiple times this may not be what's happening with your daughter, and that I hope it isn't. That I think it's most likely she stumbled on something a bit above her maturity level, and is struggling to process it.

Tell you what, OP. Go to Archive of Our Own. Have a good hard look at what's on there for My Little Pony and Interview With The Vampire. Look at what teens like your daughter are actually writing and reading. Read the tags. Then come back and tell me I'm a nutter and I shouldn't have warned you

Yoonimum · 03/03/2025 20:45

Parallellives · 03/03/2025 20:27

Yes the drip-feeding on this thread has been a bit painful OP!
Given everything you have since posted, I think you would be better off getting a professional opinion from an educational psychologist. You can ask the school SENCO for a referral. It may be that your DD would benefit from some sessions with a counsellor too, to help ease her transition through her teens.

I don’t think those of us who posted have had the full picture.

This ⬆️

Yellowbananasarebetterthangreen · 03/03/2025 20:40

Im not suggesting your daughter IS into all that stuff btw @orangeandyellowandbr0wn. Im just saying that I think its worth being aware its a possibility and making sure.
Sometimes even the most switched on parents can discover awful stuff their kid has been keeping secret for years and they the parent not even having the vaguest hint (which happened to a friend of mine)

orangeandyellowandbr0wn · 03/03/2025 20:37

@SnoopyPajamas I know teens can stumble upon this type of content. i just thought it was odd of you to point it out in the way that you did.

OP posts:
Yellowbananasarebetterthangreen · 03/03/2025 20:36

Re what @SnoopyPajamas has said - some teens and young adults are definitely into all of that sort of thing. And plenty arent. I think its helpful of Snoopy to try and raise awareness of what for many is definitely a scary rabbit trail.

SnoopyPajamas · 03/03/2025 20:35

orangeandyellowandbr0wn · 03/03/2025 18:35

@SnoopyPajamas Wtf?! Not me nor ANYBODY else I know or their teens have any idea about this show? I think you don’t understand ND children and are trying too hard to look for a way for her to be sexualised on the internet here….

Why are you being so hysterical? It's perfectly normal for teenagers to be curious about an edgy tv show. Especially when they've already read the book it's based on. I didn't think you would have heard of it, which is why I told you where to find it, if you wanted to check it out and judge for yourself.

I'm not "trying too hard to find a way for her to be sexualised on the internet". Just because what I've said is shocking and unknown to you, doesn't mean it's not out there. I've explained how easy it is for a teen who is just trying to connect with other fans of their special interest, to find themselves in an environment that is highly sexualised, in ways they haven't yet learned how to navigate.

You've already admitted your daughter spends a lot of time online. Despite the autism and the babyish interests, she is still a teenager. It's natural for teens to be curious about sex and relationships. Your daughter obviously has some more grown up interests, in terms of literature and feminism, and you say she's very smart. It's not so wild to think she might have stumbled on a bit of sexually explicit fanfiction.

But I'm sure you know best and that's impossible

Misaster · 03/03/2025 20:32

The OP’s style on this thread makes me wonder about about she fares in life too

CoffeeAndEnnui · 03/03/2025 20:32

The drip feed makes this pretty pointless. Spend more time with your daughter, learn more about what she's actually doing online, get her some proper support and work on having a more open mind yourself. All will be well

Parallellives · 03/03/2025 20:27

Yes the drip-feeding on this thread has been a bit painful OP!
Given everything you have since posted, I think you would be better off getting a professional opinion from an educational psychologist. You can ask the school SENCO for a referral. It may be that your DD would benefit from some sessions with a counsellor too, to help ease her transition through her teens.

I don’t think those of us who posted have had the full picture.

Hankunamatata · 03/03/2025 20:27

Teen girls autism group. Sounds like she needs to find her tribe

Yellowbananasarebetterthangreen · 03/03/2025 20:23

orangeandyellowandbr0wn · 03/03/2025 13:59

@Catsandcannedbeans But why? I'm scared it might upset her and she'll resent me for suggesting she should leave her special interests alone.

So you want advice but you dont want advice?
Helping her to gradually move away from some of her childhood passions (not necessarily all) and towards maybe some more grown up interests seems like the best solution to me.

My own dd was still keen on her teddies and Sylvanian families until she was 13ish. She still has them but stopped playing with them of her own choice years ago (shes 20 now).

Frenchbluesea · 03/03/2025 20:17

As a mother of autistic pre teen, I would say that you don’t need to be concerned. She sounds brilliant with a wide range of interests and hobbies. She doesn’t need to ditch anything she doesn’t want to just because they don’t fit with neurotypical views of what is age appropriate. Pushing her towards independence too soon is likely to backfire and make her anxious and afraid especially as she has past trauma. She will develop in her own time and at her own pace- again neurotypical expectations of development are not relevant or useful. Friendships are obviously very tricky- perhaps there are autism friendly youth clubs near you?

Misaster · 03/03/2025 20:14

WonderingAboutThus · 03/03/2025 20:12

Christ, all the drip-feeding makes any meaningful comment impossible.
So she's not behaving young for her age, she is behaving unevenly in terms of age.
She has a history of sexual abuse.
She is neurodiverse.
She reads unsuitable stuff.
You seem to have no suitable comprehensive understanding of her circumstances nor a plan to address it.

Not much useful advice we can give them, except read and figure out what professional help she can get.

this

WonderingAboutThus · 03/03/2025 20:12

Christ, all the drip-feeding makes any meaningful comment impossible.
So she's not behaving young for her age, she is behaving unevenly in terms of age.
She has a history of sexual abuse.
She is neurodiverse.
She reads unsuitable stuff.
You seem to have no suitable comprehensive understanding of her circumstances nor a plan to address it.

Not much useful advice we can give them, except read and figure out what professional help she can get.

SnoopyPajamas · 03/03/2025 20:10

CosyLemur · 03/03/2025 18:20

What a load of rubbish! You have absolutely no idea about AuDHD do you!
My 16 year old son's current obsessions are Cbeebies bedtime stories, Coronation Street, EastEnders, Dr Who and reading Shakespeare!
He also has a full collection of and plays with actual toys.
He doesn't access the internet so isn't in any BDSM forums - he's just AuDHD!

We're not talking about your son. Wind your neck in.

I bet you didn't have a clue about any of the things I brought up, though. And would be completely taken aback if your son's interests did lead him to fall into one of these unhealthy online peer groups.

I was a nerdy online teenager, and was friends with a lot of autistic and ADHD peers. Years before the term audhd was even in use. I know how wonderful and varied a group they are. But I also know I saw sides to them that their parents, who thought butter wouldn't melt, were absolutely not seeing.

Stick your head in the sand if you want. But plenty of parents will tell you their kids fell down a similar rabbit hole, and they had no idea until it was too late. I'm not the only poster to have noticed the potential red flags either, which ought to tell you something

EatingTillIDie · 03/03/2025 20:02

She sounds like me at that age (40 odd now). I am autistic. Difference for me was i hated my home and my parents so much (no particular reason) and couldn't wait to get away, so I did at 18 and never returned (except for visits). I wouldn't say I'm estranged but we aren't close.

Honestly, I would cherish how safe she feels at home with you and hold on tight. Why does she need to be independent at 14? She will probably grow out of it.

Catsandcannedbeans · 03/03/2025 19:56

orangeandyellowandbr0wn · 03/03/2025 13:59

@Catsandcannedbeans But why? I'm scared it might upset her and she'll resent me for suggesting she should leave her special interests alone.

That’s why I said introduce new things and don’t focus on getting rid of the old hobbies and interests. Maybe like arts and crafts, because (for me at least, and a lot of other people) it is soothing. Also it’s something you can get her out the house to do, there’s loads of classes if you can afford that, but if not going out looking for art supplies in charity shops ect and repurposing things could be fun. My nephew is a very young 11 year old, acts more like his younger brother who is 7. Because he’s going to secondary school, we’ve been trying to get him into more age appropriate things, and this is the method that’s worked best. If you focus too much on trying to change the “babyish” habits they get anxious, but focusing on the new hobbies while allowing them to continue with the old ones has so far been the best approach. Also, she is ND so will probably always have some younger interests.

orangeandyellowandbr0wn · 03/03/2025 19:51

@SleepingStandingUp She also does cosplay. So she dresses up as characters.
She’s very experimental with makeup, loves doing weird looks, has a very unique style too… so it’s not the typical ‘teenager’ makeup per se. But still, while her hobbies are grown up, it’s the bigger picture that compelled me to make this post.

OP posts:
Misaster · 03/03/2025 19:51

SleepingStandingUp · 03/03/2025 19:47

Writing, make up, physics, photography, gaming etc all seem like perfectly grown up enough activities for a 14 yo.

As for still enjoying some younger pursuits and comforts, why is her Nanny more of a constant in her life than you? I can't imagine that and your seeming dislike of her personality helps

Agreed

Very odd for OP to think otherwise.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/03/2025 19:47

orangeandyellowandbr0wn · 03/03/2025 19:38

@Misaster Teacher said she’s kind of bossy to others but creates okay work when it’s done. Tbf she’s in the wrong age group, so I need to move her up to the 12-14 group (shes in the 10-13 group I don’t know why.) She can’t make any connections there.

Solo hobbies: writing, drawing, photography, gaming, reading, makeup, physics (she really REALLY likes physics specifically quantum/theoretical), collecting figures, writing essays etc

Writing, make up, physics, photography, gaming etc all seem like perfectly grown up enough activities for a 14 yo.

As for still enjoying some younger pursuits and comforts, why is her Nanny more of a constant in her life than you? I can't imagine that and your seeming dislike of her personality helps

Blueink · 03/03/2025 19:46

She has 2 diagnoses, which to some extent work in opposite directions, have you been given any professional advice about her future/independence and how best to support this?

It's known that development in some areas may be different, I wouldn't be too worried, we can only parent the DC we have, just try to continue to support her and gently encourage out of her comfort zone as you are.

Watching my little pony etc is probably relaxing and good for switching off her brain/self regulating. I wouldn't stop her, nor her comfort items that she enjoys, also she has several years left of being a teenager, it's not like she is about to turn 18. Even she was, she will likely continue to seem younger and different to NT peers.

How much support has she had regarding the negative experiences with men? It is not surprising she is fearful, even grown women have the same response. Is this why you are taking her to school, or is she able to start perhaps start meeting you at a halfway point (cafe?), going one way by herself? The routine of that could be helpful.

oakkiln · 03/03/2025 19:45

My 18 year old (ASD) is going to university to study politics in September. Every morning they eat breakfast out of a plastic Peppa Pig bowl while watching Bluey.

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