Teenaged DD not letting go of childhood.

Hi op,

reading this, I am wondering if your child is HLP? High Learning Potential? She defo met the criterias as per your say and could really really benefit from meeting her peers by joining a group of HLPs children? Basically they are really smart but emotionally immature and the imposter syndrome a second nature. It is rough if all her atypical friends don’t get it…might be worth a try? What you describe would be VERY NORMAL to HLP community so probably would help her find her people.

good luck✌️

My DD is 16 and a half and also likes young TV still. She watches Boss Baby, Teen Titans, Bluey and Baby TV sometimes, but she also watches Gogglebox with me and some other more grown up programmes. She is autistic and immature but she’s getting there. I am not unduly worried. She rarely goes out on her own but we have cracked the school commute and recently she went to a birthday meal of someone from school without me. That was a MASSIVE win, she couldn’t have considered that at 15. My view is that she will reach milestones late but hoping she will reach them all in the end as she is bright but extremely shy and unconfident and has mental health issues. I would keep trying to introduce her to slightly older things, they don’t have to be typical ones, but you might be surprised. I sometimes worry about the future but I tend to take each day as it comes. It helps.

How old? Only asking as 13 compared to 18 is very different. Possible neurodivergent

OP, your daughter sounds very similar to my teen including LGBTQ+ and special interests. We are currently growing a specialist plant collection at great speed!

My teen is 17 now and although there is still some emotional immaturity there is some progress in other areas including the desire to be independent and allowing me to gently persuad them to try certain things with support. At 14 though we were far more concerned than today.

If you don’t have a ND child you really have no idea of the experience in living with and caring for someone on the autistic spectrum, the profile of a typical 14yr old is so different to a ND 14yr old with lots of challenges.

OP, It’s ok to allow your daughter to grow at her own pace. Don’t feel pressure to ensure she meets typical milestones, it just won’t happen for her and will cause you great anxiety and stress but she will get there!

Consider identifying local ASD groups for girls, I know we have one or two in Surrey which are really popular.

Feel free to message me if I can help further.

My son was the same and still is. He is now 19, loves Japanese anime, still watches in the night garden, humf Ben 10.....He has been diagnosed with Aspergers at 16 but there was no support from school. He hated school so did his A Levels online, got great grades but refuses to go to university. He loves being at home and only goes out in the garden. He is very intelligent and has learnt Japanese all by himself. He xsn read write and speak it but has no interest in doing a degree in it as he said it would stop being fun if he did.
He wants to live with us for the rest of his life and said he's still a child until he's 25 so why does he have to get a job. 😂 He frustrates us but really makes us smile.
I get so worried sometimes and do have sleepless nights thinking what will become of him. He has applied for a job and done an online interview recently, fingers crossed he gets through. If he gets the job, it'll be me taking him on the bus until he gets used to it.
Has your daughter been diagnosed with autism?

Even before you stated she was Audhd it was clear from your description that she would be ND.

This sounds like my autistic teen in some aspects. No desire to have friends outside of school. Does have one or two at school in random different year groups connected to school activities. But no desire to see them out of school. Still sleeps with her baby comforter. Collects Pooh bear themed things and happily goes out wearing such items of clothes. No interest in makeup. No interest in the fashion that her age group seems to wear. I have seen her watching Bluey once or twice as well. Not massively keen on age some age appropriate tv but does like others. Likes series like Malory towers And lots of cbbc things rather than the streamed series most 15 year olds are watching.

I didn’t think independence would happen but she does talk about moving out now. At 14 though she was saying she would live with me forever. She can get to and from school when I’m at work but would prefer a loft when I’m not at work and it becomes a battle. Does plan to go to college but not sure how that’ll turn out as it’s quite a journey there. When I mentioned making friends she she said she’s there to get qualifications not friends. But, I can see lots of positives. She comes everywhere with me but as I volunteer at youth groups with younger girls she comes as a helper now and actually does really well.

I would suggest maybe seeking counselling but you’d need someone who is able to counsel Audhd teens as it’s a slightly different approach. A friend’s daughter sees a counsellor who works with ND teens and it’s really helped. She might just be a late bloomer. Having additional needs would potentially put her socially behind anyway compared to peers so she might catch up herself.

One of my Gdaughters was very similar.
She grew up very slowly but now at 22 she is living in Japan and speaks English/French/ German and speaks and writes Japanese
All it took was for her to find her passion and as soon as she got fired up she flew.
They all grow up at different rates rates
Hang on in there

Has she been officially diagnosed with an SEN condition because if so I am confused as to why you find her behaviour unusual or not as expected within the protocols of her condition?
Do you have any input from Social Services or whomever it is these days who oversees SEND?
When you mention the school's input are you talking about the designated SEND member or members of staff or just the regular teachers/tutors?
I find your post more than a little vague about something that sounds quite definitey concerning and odd behaviour for someone of your daughter's age if she hasn't been officially diagnosed, and if she has then she should surely be being monitored and you shouldn't be needing to come to Mumsnet for advice?! 🙄

My 17yr old collects all of this, too.

You said your daughter is SEN, so unfortunately you cannot expect her to behave with the same mental capacity of children similar in age without SEN.

If what she does is making her happy, then let her do it. Just because you dislike it, it doesn't make it wrong.

However, she does need to be encouraged to socialise more and have a bit of independence; this can be done by reaching out to local SEN groups and other parents going through this.

This is so odd.

Why not post on the SEN board?

Did they not tell you anything about AuDHD esp in Girls when DD was diagnosed?

You need to read some books.

She's presenting in a way consistent with her diagnosis.

She may never mature beyond the state she's at now.

Has she been assessed sounds like autism to me as mother of a 4 year old boy in the process of being assessed they can be very babyish for their age I'm told.
My LB has to repeat preschool for another year due to possibly learning difficulties how is she at school have the teachers had any concerns in primary or secondary school?
I would seek a opinion from a professional.

And you know, my DM who is in her 70s still talks about her teddies and where they'll go when she dies - she's lived a normal adult life, it wasn't until my own dc were diagnosed I realised that my mum has retained some things from childhood her whole life. Luckily for her, my dd will doubtless adopt her collection.

Lots of kids are driven to and from school… the OP’s child could be one of them.

Thank you so much for your detailed post. It really was what I needed to hear.

What is clear
Is that the OP is as clear as mud when it comes to her daughter

I’m in my 40’s and that’s exactly what we done at 12/13, that’s completely normal and typical at that age to be discussing those subjects. In all honesty, in a lot of cases it’s the parents who baby their kids too long and seem to think other teens are “too grown up” because they’re chatting about normal teenage things!! ND kids will in most cases be, expectedly, more immature, but in a NT child, it’s either the parents causing it or some physiological issue going on!

Are you worried that she’s saying negative things about herself and you and unhappy or that she’s behaving in a socially unusual way? If she is this way but happy that’s fine, come to terms with it being who she is. The things she isn’t happy about is what needs addressing.

You say she was assaulted - had she had therapy and is she still? Gone to any support groups?

She says she’s lonely - can you take her to groups which centre around her special interests so she can meet people who like the same things as her?

It’s so tough to know what to do when someone is so capable in someways then so not in others. And accepting the way our kids are is so hard when they have so much potential but happiness is the focus so take it one step at a time and it’ll work out

Absolutely.

Well, she is different. She might experience some ostracism, but that doesn’t mean she won’t eventually mature and have a good life and friends who accept her. If she is intellectually gifted and finds her niche, she in fact can have an extraordinary life. If you accept her completely as she is, whilst gently encouraging some independence, she’ll more be able to accept and love herself.

I hated bras that age, and because I’m small chested, I never wore them…camisole is enough for me. I took time to grow up, but ended up having a thriving career as an academic doing things that interested me, published books, and made enough money to retire early. I have good friends, and a lovely partner. Good outcomes are possible.

Honestly, my 18 year old autistic daughter is Disney obsessed, currently in year one at a top uni doing business and marketing to eventually work for Disney hopefully. I’d take this really slow, she has lots of more adult interests, lots of kids ones, it’ll level out. I would be careful with screen time though, I and both of my kids am autistic (son AuDHD and 14, bisexual). I limit it within reason, purely because their behaviour gets worse and so much online is inappropriate. My main boundary with tech is NEVER upstairs, in the main sitting room only. I also reserve the right to check phones while I pay the bill - yes even with my 18 year old, she’s vulnerable. I make clear I’ll do this only when concerned, I don’t care what they say or language used to friends etc. but any concerns and I will look. This has never been a problem for us.

OP, are there any meet-ups for ND teens near you that she could go to (with you)? https://www.meetup.com

There are several neurodiverse groups in my city.

The National Autistic Society may be able to offer some advice too - https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/support-in-the-community/social-groups

My son is 16 ASD and gay. He watches cbeebies every morning and loves a new program called Mojo he also watches Bob the Builder DVD;s most nights. He reads the Telegraph every day and is very interested in the Russia/Ukraine war and can have a very in depth conversation about it. He has fantastic general knowledge and loves all the quiz shows. He has friends but mainly women in their late 20's to early 40's. His best friend is our next door neighbour who is a 23, he is often out at weekends with her and her friends shopping or at local cafes. He is also interested in fashion and is very fashionable. He spends alot on high end designer clothes. He only ever eats "childrens food" and has never tried any new foods since he was tiny. We live in a small town and he is desperate to go to uni in London in a few years time - I worry he will be eaten alive but he is also very headstrong and confident in who he is.

A couple of years ago I was really worried about him as it was like he was 7 yrs old in a 14 yr olds body. He is very bright and got 8's and 9's in his GCSE's,The turning point for us was that his secondary school didn't have a sixth form so he had to go elsewhere - I was really scared for him and I knew that college would not have suited him so we chose a very academic sixth form the other side of town. He has to go on the bus (prior to this he had never been on a bus on his own before!). There are lots of quirky children there who he is comfortable being around but who he doesn't really call his friends - he gets called a geek because he is studies very hard but by choosing an academic 6th form he is around other studious quirky kids. The teachers love him but he doesn't understand why he can't be their friends and hang out with them at lunch time!!! However he has settled in brilliantly and is thriving

He has never owned a video game console either and doesn't do social media.

Yes. Some of us are speaking from experience and have become more clued-in to this stuff because a beloved teen fell down the rabbit hole of toxic online culture. We've seen the damage that can be done to these quiet nerdy kids who don't fit in elsewhere and just want to geek out with friends on the internet. They're vulnerable.

It's like saying some teens are doing drugs. It doesn't mean your teen is - but wouldn't you want to know the signs? Or would you prefer to live in ignorance and tell yourself your child is special and it could never happen to them? Not my Lucy, she's my little girl, I always know when she lies?

Hi op. I'm an academic at a well known institution. Your dd might be gifted. Please check this. And be proud of her. Different doesn't mean bad.