Teenaged DD not letting go of childhood.

Maybe you could ask for a referral to a child psychologist
has there been a dramatic change in family relationship dynamics
this can often result in a refusal to ‘ grow up’ the child is clinging to the past where they identify emotional security

I still talk to my teddies and enjoy colouring. If she's happy I'd leave her be and not worry.

My sweet summer son who's nearly 18 said for his birthday might he be able to have a bottle of cider. He's similarly child like (also autistic). I restrained myself from saying I'd fully expected him to ask that a few years ago but not going to complain!

@Ponoka7 your post has given me so much hope, our daughters sound similar, but mine is 16 and still a long way off your 26 year old. I try not to worry about the future too much, but I have my moments. Thank you so much for sharing.

have a look at Potential Plus. They are the national org for HLP and organise loads of stuff for it. They have Facebook pages for specifically the parenting part from where you could probably be added onto an « area » WhatsApp group if one exists already and if you feel like it.

Good luck👌🏼

Sounds like she needs to find ‘her people’. I always felt a bit on the edges of any friends group when I was growing up (and even when grown up!) I’ve now found my fit - with other ND people who love playing board games and TTRPG. In fact I’d say finding a game cafe near you and trying to get her to join in some games would be a great way to let her enjoy her imagination and storytelling abilities with other people who love to do that too. Most of my gaming friends seem to be on one spectrum or another…but it doesn’t matter, we all seem to rub along well with each other and just accept each other’s quirks

Just to add to the positive stories. My DD was very similar (keep the hello kitty , they increase in value ten years later!). She found that she liked cooking. Went from school into a scheme at college for teens with SEN/struggls, to help then navigate the change on leaving school and to give them two more years to grow up a bit. She didn't have friends at this point. My DD then did catering/cookery at college. She had to do a placement and did it at a pizza place. Her ability to focus, be thorough, not get into drama/gossip (because she doesn't really care what others are doing) etc impressed everyone. She slowly started to interact more. It's taken her until 26 to be practically independent and have two, good friends. She's taught herself to eat a wider range of foods because she wanted to eat out with friends/work. She now works in the NHS. I still oversee things/shop/research and support her. But she is getting there and everything being online helps. Some of the suggestions are horrendous. Let her be and develop in her own time. With my DD having pets and horse riding helped. I'd only intervene in a lack of confidence/anxiety. I pushed her into hobbies around 13 and luckily she had the confidence to tell me that I was making her miserable. She now goes camping by choice. I never thought that she'd be capable of the job she is now doing, especially the interaction/communication side (she has S&L issues because of autism). I can say the same of over half her class from her SEN school. The others are still doing ok and have built a life that suits them.

I just wanted to say I really appreciate your comment about hlp.

That's my son although he's younger than OPs daughter (11 in April).
We're waiting on the draft report from camhs for his diagnosis so nearly there and he has basic boy autism traits for which we're going to have a 90 minute assessment with the CDC when the date confirmation comes through.
He is very clever, no learning difficulties and is in the top 4 of his class but his emotional outbursts and behaviour (in general, not just bad behaviour) shows that he isn't neuro normal.

I'm going to look into hlp groups near me. Thank you

"quite the rage....." 🙄

It's people like you who make people like us feel unseen and invalid.

"Quite the rage"..... Educate yourself before you speak.

We didn't have female ADHD when I was a child because it was a naughty boy thing. It simply wasn't a girl behaviour thing because we had hormones and they were the forerunner to our emotions and behaviours.

I got my diagnosis last year at 46 years old and all of a sudden my whole life made sense to me when I had no idea previously why I felt so deeply, why I felt so needy, why I came across as confrontational when I was just asking questions and many more traits.

"Quite the rage", "I think everyone is a little ADHD", "I don't understand why people feel the need to be labelled".

BECAUSE IT MEANS WE UNDERSTAND WHY WE ARE THE WAY WE ARE WHEN MOST OF US HAVE GROWN UP NOT HAVING A FUCKING CLUE AND FELT LIKE A SPARE PART AND LIKE A WEIRDO.

RTFT

OP (and other parents of ND teens). I am 40. I have ADHD and ASD and dyslexia.

I was very childish and did not want to grow up as a teen/ tween. I loved reading books, a mixture of high brow classics and stuff aimed at kids. I like cartoon/ Disney movies and collected Winnie the Pooh beanie babies. I also liked watching art house theatre and international films.

I loved (and still do) any excuse for dress up. I still have my favourite childhood teddy bear and doll. As an adult, I have a Jellycat bunny (that the kids nick regularly).

But I also have a successful career. A loving husband, two kids, a house (and mortgage) etc.

My teen and early 20s were tough - but I got through, and whilst I may still be a little childish and still hold on to some childhood things - I am a functioning adult (mostly).

A lot of this is because of a few good, close friends, my loving family (especially my mum and sister). It may not always be an easy ride, but with support, love, and occasional kicks up the backside (figuratively speaking) quirky neurodiverse teens can have happy, fulfilling, and at least outwardly normal lives.

Has she been tested for autism? Based on your information, she seems to fit the bill with no friends, not wanting to go outside and being emotionally younger for her chronological age. Autists are anywhere 4-7 years emotionally younger than their age. So if she is indeed autistic, this is normal however would need a therapist trained in CBT to help her build interpersonal and social skills.

It's hard to say for sure without knowing the full picture, but I would say it's about trying to find the balance between letting your DD be herself (watching toddler TV etc.) and seeing how you can help her to develop the life skills you know she will need. There's a difference also between going full on to get a diagnosis and simply respecting/supporting her difference, which may be enough. Allowing her to feel safe and then drawing her out of her comfort zone in small ways to get her more used to interacting with people and being more self-reliant can be an approach. Regarding her not wanting to talk about adult topics: what will she talk about with you? Find out what is an apt topic for her and let her do most of the talking while you listen? Is she learning about how the house runs and able to lend a hand? It could be good to develop essential life skills, age-appropriate, without having to go out and interact with others particularly. It may just be at the case that she will develop when she needs to, in her own way and will find her own path in life.

I was a bit like this as a teenager (also autistic). I think there was an aspect of delayed emotional development. Now a happily married adult! She may just need more time.

It's not your daughter I'm worried about, it's you. You need to do some course on Autism, and you need to see her behaviours for what they are. You will cause trauma to your child by continuing to not accept her. You disnt even put her SEN diognosis on the original post, reading it, I could have diagnosed your child from the description alone. Do you ACCEPT she's autistic? Because she probably will need support in her adult life. Her friends will be mainly online, she won't do nerotypical things, because she is not neuro typical. You admit your Nanny spends more time with her than you. It's you I'd be focusing on not your daughter. She is thriving at School under the circumstances by the sounds of it.

You described Autism- she's autistic. Love her as she is.

Some children are having a last go at innocent play. I don't think it's pathological.
Let her mature OP at her own pace.

As an aside, it's interesting to see comments from people who don't have ND kids. They just don't get it (and why would they, lucky them really).

Equally interesting to see comments from similar posters saying 'ask the school' and 'why are you asking in Mumsnet'.

Well, that will be because schools are generally clueless and parents (mothers generally) are infinitely better informed and clued up. Yes, really.

Also, reading all the OP's posts is always a good idea before commenting.

Or His.

That’s ok , my ND learning disabled daughter loves Hello Kitty.
She also loves anime and manga .
There tend to be small like minded communities of young people ( teens and up ) who love this culture and can be very accepting of each other and their differences

“Concerning behaviour “ is professional, teacher-speak for “ big problems “. You need to speak to the school and ask for examples, not wrapped n kid gloves. The last 15 year old like this that I encountered asked for a doll and pram for Christmas, was obsessed with Toy Story characters and, the most worrying, said she wanted her own baby soon. Extremely vulnerable. I hope you get her some help 🌺

I'm 77. I was like that. And still sleep with my Teddy. I had a professional career in health, have a small close friends group and a wonderful son. Never married. Travelled loads by myself and am thoroughly content.
Don't despair. We are all different.
I suspect that she is a very intelligent girl.

I would suspect ND possibly asd.

prediagnosis I persuaded my teen to give up her collection of furries as I also felt she needed to grow. On dx felt like the shi*tuest mother ever,

what she does at home is her business and if she is happy calmed or soothed live with it. You might want to have a conversation to say it’s ok at home but to avoid bullying she doesn’t disclose at school. She shouldn’t feel ashamed but just don’t invite possible teasing.

Just seen she is audhd. Fairly typical of that neurodivergence. You sound really supportive and patient, she'll find her way eventually OP 💐

my sister was (and still is a bit) like this. She was diagnosed with autism on her late 20s. Has she been assessed specifically for autism? Xx

A very general point but when l found out about ADHD ( 13 yr old stepson ) one of the first things l was told was to deduct a third from his age. It’s helped us immensely to understand that he may be running on an 8/9 year old ability, understanding and choices even though he’s 6ft with a deep voice !

She's never thrown away any of her baby stuff/baby books/toddler stuff either.

With respect OP, surely that was your job? My DD is 8, and she doesn’t have any baby stuff in her room still because I explained that we need to say goodbye to these things and we can’t keep everything. Appreciate she’s got SEN, but your job is to help her process some of this.