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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that women are still doing the brunt of childcare even on holiday?

243 replies

Binman · 03/03/2025 09:35

I've just returned from a half term holiday with grandchildren and I am genuinely sad at how much of the childcare still falls to the women. I can honestly say that my observations around the pool and the restaurants it is the mother who is changing, feeding, applying sun cream etc. The father may get in the pool for a while but is mainly chilling while the mother does the main care.

I know there are hands on dads out there but the more I noticed the more I observed and so many of the fathers only did the fun bits in the pool or the quiet time, which was mostly the child on a phone or iPad.

It was the mothers sitting with the child on the plane or carrying three hand luggage's while the father carried the child. While waiting for our flight a woman I was talking to said she was dreading the flight as she was exhausted, when I asked her why she didn't sit in the 4th seat and leave the 2 children to her DH on one row, she said he won't do that.

I suppose my AIBU is that should the fathers not be stepping up, where both parents need a relax and respite from their usual daily grind?

OP posts:
everychildmatters · 04/03/2025 20:55

@JoyDreamer86 Clearly you are completely unaware of the many side effects of taking the pill and of the other hormonal contraceptives you mention, especially long-term.
Alternatively your husband can opt for a simple procedure.

JoyDreamer86 · 04/03/2025 20:45

everychildmatters · 04/03/2025 20:22

@JoyDreamer86 Condoms and, when family complete, vasectomy.
There is also withdrawal or abstinence.

Edited

Well if taking a small pill, getting an implant or occasional injection is too much stress or hardwork then yes you can spend those 30+ years you talked about faffing about with condoms or like you say spend 30+ years abstaining from sex 🙄

everychildmatters · 04/03/2025 20:22

@JoyDreamer86 Condoms and, when family complete, vasectomy.
There is also withdrawal or abstinence.

Daffiesmeanspring · 04/03/2025 20:03

Parker231 · 04/03/2025 13:21

And too many women are doormats.

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Imagine writing that about any protected characteristic other than sex.

JoyDreamer86 · 04/03/2025 20:00

everychildmatters · 04/03/2025 19:40

@JoyDreamer86 Contraception. Again, should be the responsibility of both partners and not just the woman.

So if its 50/50 responsibility on contraception what does that actually involve?

everychildmatters · 04/03/2025 19:40

@JoyDreamer86 Contraception. Again, should be the responsibility of both partners and not just the woman.

Solypim · 04/03/2025 19:01

My children are early mid teens and I most certainly do not hope ed. Perish the thought! 😂

Solypim · 04/03/2025 19:00

Parker231 · 04/03/2025 18:58

Do you work together and home educate your DC’s?

Most people aren’t together during the working/school day.

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He WFH
i work part time
lunch together everyday (out in the garden at the moment… bliss)
Evening dog walk together everyday day

that’s just for starters

Parker231 · 04/03/2025 18:58

Solypim · 04/03/2025 18:54

life at home is busy and separate

That is a shame though. Ours certainly isn’t.

Do you work together and home educate your DC’s?

Most people aren’t together during the working/school day.

Solypim · 04/03/2025 18:54

life at home is busy and separate

That is a shame though. Ours certainly isn’t.

Solypim · 04/03/2025 18:53

Parker231 · 04/03/2025 18:52

Can’t imagine DH or I going out with friends on holiday as opposed to spending the time together. Holidays are together time - life at home is busy and separate so holidays are an opportunity to be as a family.

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I’m happy for you
Clearly that is important to you 😂

Parker231 · 04/03/2025 18:52

Solypim · 04/03/2025 18:37

If just us…. Then yes
if with friends…. Then last time a mix went leaving some women and some men. I always went because I loved that hour of sitting outside on my own reading. With a fruit tea! 😂

Edited
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Can’t imagine DH or I going out with friends on holiday as opposed to spending the time together. Holidays are together time - life at home is busy and separate so holidays are an opportunity to be as a family.

Carinattheliqorstore1 · 04/03/2025 18:48

Binman · 03/03/2025 12:05

@TheSandgroper I haven't read that article but yes as a grandmother I know its not new, however this was the first family orientated holiday I have been on for a while and I was saddened to see that it still remains the norm.

@MidnightPatrol excellent point about maternity leave. I recall a male colleague taking shared parental leave with his wife and it being a total exception to the norm and he also had to guide his manager through the procedure.

@NoraLuka yes, that's right and so many other praises for the father being a good dad or telling the mother she is lucky, even I used the term, step up.

My husband and I shared parental leave in 2016. We were the first at both of our companies to do this.
Although I missed a few months at home with DS, I’m so glad we shared leave. My husband is an equal parent: in no way would I say that he leaves the parenting to me.

stayathomer · 04/03/2025 18:42

Retail here and dh wfh three days a week so we share the running about. If we were both wfh I don’t know what way it would be but yes possibly/ probably more me.

Solypim · 04/03/2025 18:37

Parker231 · 04/03/2025 18:35

Would your DH not be with you helping to put the DC’s to bed and then sitting on the balcony together?

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If just us…. Then yes
if with friends…. Then last time a mix went leaving some women and some men. I always went because I loved that hour of sitting outside on my own reading. With a fruit tea! 😂

Parker231 · 04/03/2025 18:35

Solypim · 04/03/2025 18:22

Maybe I’m odd
but I loved having the excuse to head off early, put the children to bed, and then sit out on the balcony with my book and nothing but the sounds of the waves to distract me.

Our routine was me definitely doing more of the heavy lifting… but I’m a control freak and absolutely suited me.

Whereas DH was the one playing with the children and genuinely enjoying it, which is not my thing at all

in a good marriage, you play to your strengths and whilst that might not be very politically correct - if it works and everyone is happy, then it works

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Would your DH not be with you helping to put the DC’s to bed and then sitting on the balcony together?

Solypim · 04/03/2025 18:22

Binman · 04/03/2025 12:34

You know on an evening we sat with some of these families and it wasn't as if all of the men came across as arseholes and apart from the woman in the airport I didn't hear the mothers complain much.

What made me sad was that it was the default, even on an evening it was the mothers who took the children back early and the men who stayed up later.

Maybe I’m odd
but I loved having the excuse to head off early, put the children to bed, and then sit out on the balcony with my book and nothing but the sounds of the waves to distract me.

Our routine was me definitely doing more of the heavy lifting… but I’m a control freak and absolutely suited me.

Whereas DH was the one playing with the children and genuinely enjoying it, which is not my thing at all

in a good marriage, you play to your strengths and whilst that might not be very politically correct - if it works and everyone is happy, then it works

Flustration · 04/03/2025 14:21

This is where I am so thankful for my lovely Dad who parented equally with my Mum and set that expectation for me.

My DH's parents are the complete opposite. Fortunately DH took my Dad as his parenting role model and has done his best to break the pattern.

I do still have to sometimes remind him that I am not the default parent, so things are not perfect. However he grew up in a family where 'women's work' was invisible, so he has come a long way.

I will say that I have never had to remind him to parent his own children on a plane or by a pool.

Sdpbody · 04/03/2025 13:56

I refuse to go on self catering holidays. It's all inclusive only or I make my DH pay for every meal we go out for.

TeenLifeMum · 04/03/2025 13:53

We have 3 dc and generally on planes I’d sit with 2 and dh with one (dc choice) but we would switch around. On holiday though, dh has always taken dc off to play table tennis etc while I read a book. We used to tag team. Always fairly. My parents are more traditional in that dm worked pt but my dad always took db and I off to give mum a break. This has always been my normal but I do agree that’s not what we see from others. Lazy lazy men. It’s very unattractive.

JoyDreamer86 · 04/03/2025 13:47

everychildmatters · 04/03/2025 07:42

@JoyDreamer86 It's yet aother thing so many men refuse to take any responsibility for!

Not sure what you mean?

Parker231 · 04/03/2025 13:21

CrispieCake · 04/03/2025 13:05

Many men are just completely oblivious to their privilege.

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And too many women are doormats.

dizzydizzydizzy · 04/03/2025 13:15

Yup!

ExDP used to refuse to take our baby DDs for a nappy change on days out (whether at home or abroad) because "girls are not allowed in the gents". He did his best to get out of the job at home too but obviously had to use a range of different and equally ridiculous excuses.

user3827 · 04/03/2025 13:15

I think a lot is down to anti-kid culture in the west. It's not "cool" to care for kids, or others really compared to other cultures where men are in general more caring and have caring responsibilities. I see childcare as a privilege, rather than a burden (I suppose really it's both).

Ultimately, though I think it's who gets the more down-time? It doesn't matter what role each are doing, as long as they get equal down-time.

CrispieCake · 04/03/2025 13:05

Binman · 04/03/2025 12:34

You know on an evening we sat with some of these families and it wasn't as if all of the men came across as arseholes and apart from the woman in the airport I didn't hear the mothers complain much.

What made me sad was that it was the default, even on an evening it was the mothers who took the children back early and the men who stayed up later.

Many men are just completely oblivious to their privilege.