Aibu for feeling like this? DH/other woman

If she didn’t like him years ago, would she not just think he was that creepy obsessive weirdo from school if he’s still creeping around after her?

Is she likely to suddenly swoon about your husband?

Could this be more about your own health situation/insecurities?

He must have asked for it as a gift. It's a very random gift otherwise. He knew she would be there and that's why he wanted it.

You are suspicious because you're picking up on something.

It's quite unusual for someone to be completely obsessed for years and that sort of thing runs deep. Maybe he did 'get over' it for a while... but it's back.
I don't know if you should do anything about it. Maybe just let it run its course. It sounds like she was never interested in him anyway.

So you feel he's hung up on her and is using you as a placeholder until he can get her?

Men will do that. They'll do it for fucking years. I've seen it happen. They will marry women they're not really into and continue chasing - either other random women they actually are interested in, or the one that got away.

Whilst it does happen, it doesn't mean it's happening here. But unfortunately none of us can read your partners mind. If you feel you have reason to be unsure and insecure, it's him you need to talk to.

Yes I do think you are drip feeding.
From making it look as though you were being a bit paranoid about this woman you are now giving out information that shows you have actually got grounds for suspicion he has engineered this situation.

Honestly the relationship with you both should never have got off the ground .
You’re right he could be . Maybe he isn’t though .
If it was your dh would he be happy you going in these circumstances?

I am struggling to see what you found attractive in a man who was clearly and unashamedly obsessed with someone else.

That’s interesting you say that because who buys someone gym membership not knowing if they actually want it or not?

I definitely would not. Going to the gym is a personal choice and not everyone is into it.

A gym membership is a huge gift unless you are absolutely sure someone wants it and would use it. I would be absolutely astounded @Wildginger if the conversation with the family member didn't go like this...

Family member (FM) what would you like for your birthday?

DH a gym membership would be awesome. That gym down the road looks great and is handy being local.

FM OK I'll get that.

Or

FM I've been thinking about getting you a gym membership, what do u think?

DH yeh that would be great, that gym down the road would be the most convenient for me.

FM no problem.

I would wager my life savings that the family member didn't just get the membership with absolutely no conversation with your DH previously.

Could you approach the family member and just say
"Gosh that was a great gift you got for DH, he is really pleased with it, what made u think of that as a gift?" And see what they say maybe 🤷

It sounds like you don't trust him, then that needs to be discussed between you both.

Doesn't sound like she's interested in him though?

Im fairly relaxed and very much don’t think about my DHs past, but this is different, you were friends with him while he was obsessing over this woman, I’d struggle too.

But, she is ABSOLUTELY NOT BETTER THAN YOU! Please don’t think of yourself that way. I know it’s easier said than done, but you are his wife and the mother of his children, you deserve to feel you are the best!

The only thing I can think of doing in your position is sitting DH down and telling him how you feel, you know how this woman effected him, you saw it, you know he loves you but you can’t help worry he never got over her and your not sure how that makes you feel. You trust him, but you can’t trust he won’t get feelings for her again. Any decisions on the membership have to come from him, you can’t make that call, he needs to make it.

These other things you won’t go into, I suspect are relevant.

Your husband’s obsession with her is making me uncomfortable, I can’t imagine how she feels to see him creeping around after her at the gym. Ugh.

If he values you at all, I think he needs to leave the gym.

And he goes at the same time as her ? Os is staying away at those times?
I think he needs to find another gym as I wouldn’t want my dh lusting over someone also men tend not to give up with someone they had their eye on for years. This is too much temptation .

Does she actually still own the car? It could be someone else?

Deary me, let him go and stop overthinking it.

She wasn't interested in him before so it's highly unlikely she will be interested in him now he is married with a couple of kids.

If anything does actually materialise then you kick him out and divorce him. Pining after her like a desperate puppy is very unattractive. What made you stick with him?

This. Why can't he just say hello and carry on?
I live in a small community where no-one would be able to do anything or do anywhere if we were avoiding ex's/previous crushes etc.
He's an adult, married with a family. He can just say hi?! Don't get this at all!

Don’t be doing a “drip feed” of a mysterious “things I can’t tell you”. People can’t give you decent advice if you that. Plus it can make it seem like you are creating a narrative to fit.

Hmmm I wonder if he was gifted this gym membership after hints / direct request from him. If you recognised her car and know she's a regular he would know that too. All sounds rather convenient.

You need to work on yourself, instead of worrying about this. He could see her anywhere, at any time.

i’ve been obsessed with certain men over my life, and if I see them now, might be a quick smile .. followed by me wondering what I saw in them in the first place.

It sounds as though you live in a small community: you have mutual friends with this woman, you know her well enough to know her car, she is at the gym " all the time" so presumably the gym is near where she lives as well as you.
Surely then your DH must have been running into this woman at points over the years?
If that's the case then going to the gym when she's there should be no big deal. Unless you feel his interest in going to this gym does stem from your DH having a convenient reason to spend time with her.

Do you trust him or not?

It's a bit odd that he feels he has to walk out if he sees her, I think you're actually going to end up fuelling his obsession by kind of deifying her, making her more important than she needs to be. Just brush it off. He fancied her, then he got together with you. She's just part of the past. If you act like he only has to be in her vicinity to fall madly in love then you're valuing yourself below her - if you believe that then he's more likely to feel that.