Aibu for feeling like this? DH/other woman

Oh come on heroinechic - OP even describes him as previously being "obsessed " with this woman.
He used her name as a password. That is not normal behaviour for someone who is not in a relationship with the person
It's creepy and weird.

My jaw is on the floor with some of these comments. The fact that some of you have deemed this man the local creep, a predator etc off the back of the info we have is frankly bizarre.

He fancied a woman before he was married with kids and pursued her. This was clearly two way contact as OP says that she wouldn't turn up whenever they'd arrange to meet, and later says the emails were too flirty on his part considering he was now in a relationship with OP (indicating that she was responding so hadn't blocked his man as you'd expect if she didn't want contact). Sounds to me like the woman liked the attention from him but didn't want to engage physically.

That said, they haven't had any contact for years. A family member buys him a gym membership to quite literally their closest gym and all of a sudden this was manufactured by him to get close to this woman again so he can leer at her in Lycra and make this woman uncomfortable?!

I'm not saying it's not possible, we all know creepy men, but to jump to this being the most likely option on the info we have is a leap! It seems to me like the OP is more aware of this woman and her movements than her DH is!

I would be worried for you if you ever split. It sounds like he doesn't take no for an answer. He could start stalking you too. He sounds like a predator.

Most (all) gyms have that one creepy guy lurking around. For this particular gym your husband is that guy. I'm actually concerned for the woman in question.

I guarantee you that if he has it in him to be unfaithful to you, cancelling the gym membership will make not one bit of difference. He would find another way.

Reading this has left me feeling uneasy and concerned for this lady at the gym.

Like PP, I have no idea why you dated and then married a grown adult who you knew had been creepy towards another woman.

You say this continued well into his 30s so it wasn't just a teenage crush. As an adult, he had her name as his password, was sending flirty emails to her, and even now he still remembers her gym routine. That is not ok!

No one buys someone a gym membership without some kind of conversation about whether they want it and which gym they want it for. It's quite a personal gift to get someone so the family member is unlikely to have just bought it on a whim. You say this lady is on the promotional material. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened here.

Your husband is a creepy stalker and if I knew this lady in real life, I'd be giving her the heads up. At least then she can speak to the manager or cancel her membership. Not that she should have to do any of that but we all know how this works. Fucking creepy men rule the world.

She's clearly found somewhere that she's happy with if she's on the promotional material. She's going to feel so uncomfortable when your pervy Pete shows up staring at her in her lycra. He's fucking disgusting.

Can you use the membership instead?

I would be concerned as well, if he had a crush on her from teens to thirties. That doesn’t just go away, sorry to say.

Your feelings seem entirely reasonable to me, OP. He should see if he can have a transfer to another gym.

TBH though, if she's always at the gym, she can't be that interesting if that's all she does.

It doesn't sound like this poor woman is the least bit interested in your "d"h. The problem will probably solve itself when she takes out a restraining order against him.

Indeed. A quick acknowledgement, put headphones on and get on with your workout.

Frankly if he can't do that then he will be doing her a favour by fucking off out of the gym. Who would want some obsessed buffoon gorping at you while you are trying to work out?

Frankly your H sounds like a creep

Yes, it’s completely mad! And weirdly claustrophobic, if he’s been obsessed since his schooldays, and you’re all still living in the same town, going to the same gyms, knowing about one another’s movements, recognising one another’s cars!

Why on earth would you have hooked up with this man in the first place having had front row seats to his obsession with this woman, stayed WITH him while it continued, and then married and had children with him?

He’s really playing with fire if he’s going to a gym he knows she frequents, where you won’t be, given how strongly he felt for her and the likelihood that feeling / attraction won’t have fully gone away. He really should be questioning his judgement here. Really hope he didn’t ask for the gym membership with her in mind. I’d be worried enough to lightly say to the relative that it was a really thoughtful gift and how did they think of it, purely to see for certain if he’d suggested it or not.

Could you go to the gym with him OP? Make it something fun that you do together, and then see how the land lays.

I must admit I wouldn't be at all happy about this, but in all honesty, I wouldn't have married him unless I was 100% sure his feelings for her had gone. I'm SO sorry that this is making you feel like you're second best.

I think you need to sit down and have a really good think about what would put your mind at rest, be HONEST with yourself, don't try and kid yourself that you're fine with it, if you're not, as it's only going to haunt you every time he picks up his gym bag. Then, if, as I suspect, you realise that you would be on edge every time he went, then I think you have to tell him that you don't want him to use the gym membership. If he argues that it would be 'such a waste of money', and promises that 'he'll have nothing to do with her, if only you'll let him prove he's not interested', then I'd be seriously considering whether the relationship is over. On the other hand, if he says 'darling, I totally understand, and the last thing I want to do is upset you, so I'm not going to use the membership', then I think you can feel safe, and that his feelings for her ARE over. Oh, and just a thought, could you make use of the membership, and buy him one for a different gym?

OP did he show signs of stalking her before?
She obviously wasn't interested, he knows the gym she goes to, he's hinted gym membership to be gifted access to the gym.
Is he stalking her now?

Does the gym have another branch that the membership could be transferred to?

Were they ever together OP or was it always him obsessing over her and her not being interested?

I think you need an honest conversation with him about this and find out how the membership came about and what he’s hoping might happen if/when he sees her.

It isn’t practical or sensible that he just leaves the gym when she’s there. And how would you ever police that.

That poor woman. She is probably really comfortable at the gym and maybe has a set routine and possible friends there and now a creepy, obsessed bloke from her past is now rocking up at her gym.

I hope she reports him to the manager if he starts making her feel uncomfortable.

I would leave not because of jealousy it just all sounds seedy

Very easy solution. He doesn't use that gym. If the money is lost then so be it. Tell him to do that or you'll divorce him. His obsession is weird, unhealthy and disrespectful to you.

Why did you stay with him when he was being flirty with her earlier in your relationship? That was a sign that he still liked her.

I'm confident in myself, and am old enough that I should be able to rise above this, but in reality couldn't handle this. She'll be there in her tight gym gear and of course he'll look. I don't know what to suggest, sorry OP.

He was obviously still interested in her when he was with you initially. Whether he is still interested, is something only he knows.

It's years later now, but him looking her up abs being flirty were signs that I wouldn't have ignored.

It's a long time to be so into someone, from school to his 30s. Does he have an obsessive personality on other areas of life? Getting fixated on things?

If she's at the gym every time you drive past then surely he's not at the gym when she is. Sounds like you are both obsessed with this woman.

Assuming he parents his children and has a job, he should have a time he goes to the gym when you're not driving past. Go with him a couple of times a week.

Are you so paranoid that you are ignoring the obvious that he might have been saying that he needs to get fit again but can't warrant the cost (like so many people do) and a family member bought him a gym membership?

You either trust him or you don't. Leave if you don't trust him. He stopped talking to her when you asked again. Now you want him to avoid seeing her in public. If she wanted him she would have been with him years ago.