There is something wrong with me but I don’t know what

I think that's a good idea OP. I've suffered with depression on and off for years, and I'd far rather pop one tablet a day, and stay on an even keel, than come off them, and go on a downhill spiral. I really hope they help you, but if not, please make sure you go back to your GP, as it's clear you need support at this moment in time.

Gardengloves2, I hope you find help. One tiny thing I can recommend, is doing Ally Boothroyd's Yoga Nidra on YouTube. Her voice, the pace of her words, help you relax. I like the ones with ocean sounds. it's a very tiny thing though.

Oh that's good OP, I was on Citalopram for 15 years and it helped keep me on an even keel for all that time. Give it a couple of weeks to kick in, and I think you'll feel much better. Do come back and tell us if things are improving for you. Take care of yourself.

I'm very similar at times, although I haven't experienced half the struggle you have. My heart goes out to you, you are strong.
It sounds like you are almost shutting down from all the stress. I think our bodies do this sometimes when things get too much and we stop having reactions to things and feeling numb.
Think about what you can control right now. Take things one at a time. The biggest worry is work right now, yes? Whilst you can't control whether you get made redundant or not, you can control the level of anxiety you're having, how long the anxiety goes on for and your ability to be prepared for a big change.
Can you get ahead of this and ask your manager what the plans are, explain that you're concerned you're going to be made redundant and it's having a negative effect on you.
If they say they're not going to make you redundant, get it in writing. Whenever you're concerned, refer back to that email/letter.
If they choose not to share or say you will be, get ahead of the curve and start applying for jobs NOW. What do you do? I wouldn't want to be working somewhere that couldn't tell me if my job was safe.

I often find myself worrying about things that haven't happened yet or I have no control over and I have to stop myself. Take a step back and go 'right what's actually happening right now'

Sometimes I'm lying in bed panicking and I almost have to step out of my body and go 'im ok, there's food in the fridge and a roof over my head, I will deal with things as they come'

Again I haven't been through half what you have so I'm sorry if any of that sounds patronising.

Sending love to you, you are doing a lot and you are brilliant. Well done for getting out of bed and going to work, that's the hardest part for me sometimes. Xx

I'm SO pleased to hear that you've seen someone now, and that you have a referral for therapy, can I ask if the doctor give you anti-depressants to lift your mood in the interim, as it does sound like you need something?

Checked in to see how you were doing OP and I’m very glad to read that you’ve seen the doctor - really well done. A lovely nurse once took me aside and gave me a stern talking to about the importance of making a little bit of time each day to do something entirely focused on taking care of myself (things like sitting in the sun with a cup of tea, having a nice bath, going for a walk and noticing what’s around you). I’ve tried to do this each day- not always easy as a SEND mum, but definitely worth doing as it normalises self-care and self-respect, which easily fall by the wayside when you’re struggling. Keep going, you can do this x

OP, have you seen the doctor or got an appointment yet?

OP, I think you're being incredibly strong pushing through it, but you need some time off work to get yourself rested and to get the medical help you need.

It is not a weakness or a failure to look after yourself. It's not an indulgence or selfish either. You are a remarkable woman dealing with more than most people ever have to. Your body is telling you to take a break.

No worries! I'm going to keep on checking in on you until I know you've seen the doctor, so at least I know you're going to be OK. If you need to talk, you can always DM me. Keep your chin up, you're not alone.

Hi OP, been thinking about you all day, did you get to the doctor? If so, how did it go, if not, are you OK?

You may be suffering from ptsd as well. Are you able to take time off work? Give yourself some breathing space?

If you can't call samaritans there's a text service I've used in the past called SHOUT. The number to text is 85258. I've used them before when Ive been in crisis, just when i needed another human to speak to but couldn't talk out loud.

Don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed to admit to the GP you’ve had suicidal thoughts, it’s important for them to know how ill you’ve become. Good luck.

The first time you have proper mental illness due to stress it’s pretty scary and destabilising. Please know everyone has their limits and many many people have been through very stressful periods where their mental health changed and suffered. Reach out to friends and family for support, don’t feel ashamed or that you can’t ask for help.

Why don't you write a letter to your GP, mark it urgent and either hand it in or post it tomorrow. They may medicare you, refer you to counselling, point you in the direction of support services. Well done on recognising the situation is becoming problematic and I wish you the best in improving things. You come across as very honest, which is great. Don't sugarcoat it, please ensure people are aware you are struggling at this moment in time.

Thanks @GardenGloves2 , I am doing much better now, and so will you — keep going, there really is light at the end of the tunnel even if it doesn’t feel like that now. I’m really sorry you’ve had to watch your DD suffer with burnout too - that alone is enough to floor any of us. You sound like a great mum 💐
As for the ADHD, it’s really common for midlife women to discover their neurodivergence when their kids are diagnosed (that’s what happened to me!) FWIW I found things easier to deal with once I read up on it all and understood how my brain works, what overwhelms me, etc. But in the short term, please take all the support you can lay your hands on; you’re not wasting anyone’s time and you deserve to get the help you need.

I'm so sorry that you've been through so much @GardenGloves2 . It's definitely a good idea to have a chat with your GP and maybe ask for a therapy referral if that's something that you've considered (you may even be able to self-refer through IAPT for this).

I really relate to so much of what you describe, despite completely different life circumstances. I really hope things start to improve for you soon!